Motherhood & The Brain
Are you tired of feeling like you’re always at your wit's end, especially when it comes to yelling at your kids?
You’re not alone.
Motherhood can be overwhelming, especially when your preteen seems to push every button and you just can’t seem to get through to them without losing your temper.
This podcast is for moms who are juggling work, family, and everything in between, and are ready to stop yelling and start connecting with their kids in a more peaceful way.
We’ll take you on a journey through the ups and downs of raising a preteen, offering brain-based strategies and practical tips on how to handle everything from discipline to managing your own emotions.
We’ll dive into topics like how to better understand your child’s behavior, how to stop yelling and start listening, and how to build a stronger, more trusting relationship with your preteen.
You’ll learn about positive parenting, emotional control, and simple, science-backed methods for managing mom anger and helping your preteen thrive.
If you’re looking for real, actionable advice on how to deal with the challenges of raising a preteen, this is the place for you.
Let’s make this motherhood journey a little smoother, together.
Motherhood & The Brain
This Invisible Habit That’s Making You Yell More Than You Realize
You promised yourself today would be different. You’d stay calm. You’d be patient. And then… the arguing started. The eye rolls. The power struggles over screen time or homework. And before you knew it, you snapped, again.
If you're stuck in the cycle of yelling, guilt, and shame, you're not alone. So many loving, intentional moms are carrying this same quiet heartbreak: Why do I keep reacting like this, even when I want so badly to stop?
This episode isn’t about blame or trying harder to be “good.” It’s about uncovering what’s really going on beneath the surface when your buttons get pushed, and why the most powerful change doesn’t come from controlling your reactions, but from something much deeper.
If you're ready to break free from reactive parenting patterns, stay calm in the chaos, and feel proud of how you show up, even on the hard days—this conversation will speak directly to your heart.
👉 The 60-second Yell Less Reset quiz is your first step toward change.
“I never wanted to be the mom who yells…”
But here you are, raising your voice, snapping over small things, saying things you wish you could take back.
You love your kids more than anything.
And you know they don’t deserve a mom who yells.
You just don’t know how to stop; especially when they won’t listen, talk back, or push every single boundary.
👉 The 60-second Yell Less Reset quiz is your first step toward change.
Already taken by many moms who wanted to break the yelling cycle.
Based on the science of how your brain responds to stress, this quiz goes beyond surface-level tips.
It helps you pause, uncover what’s really fueling those outbursts, and start shifting the pattern before it spirals again.
You’ll discover:
✅ Your personal Reset; so you can get your kids to listen without needing to yell, threaten, or give in
✅ It’s not just their behavior; it’s the moment you feel like nothing you say matters
✅A clear next step to help you stay calm and in charge; even when your kids are testing every boundary
Now they look in their eyes when they look at you and they're wondering what's going on. Sometimes they want to tear up because the yelling scares them, and I know I understand very well that you are not doing this on purpose. You want to stop, but you don't know how to stop. That is where I was. That is why I have an understanding of people like that. So let's get started to today's episode. I just want to get to say this out of the gate You're not yelling because of your kid's behavior, even though it looks like that on the surface, but trust me, it is not.
Speaker 1:Looks like that on the surface, but trust me, it is not. You're yelling because of what your kid's behavior means to you, because of what you are making their behavior mean, and usually about you. You are interpreting their behavior or lack of behavior in a a way. You have this measuring stick and you are measuring your kid's behavior using that measuring stick and when they come up short, you think something, and when you think something, you feel a certain way. Like I said, our thinking leads to how we feel, and how we feel dictates the actions we do or not do, and yelling is an action that we do because of how we feel, and we feel a certain way because of what we are thinking. Now, this is a mouthful for anybody who is new to this podcast, for anybody who's new to this podcast.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.
Speaker 1:Before we begin, I want to share a brief disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or any other licensed mental health professional. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I share what has personally helped me improve my mental and emotional well-being. My hope is that by sharing my experiences I might help even one mother out there who is struggling. Hello there, welcome to another episode of the Motherhood on the Brain podcast. This is episode number 61. My name is Esther Mbabazi. How are you doing, mom? How are you feeling, mom?
Speaker 1:Yesterday I was talking to a client and she came up with something called an emotional weather chart. She's a teacher so she has they're used to using charts. So in my program we use the emotion wheel. We have like a tool, like a wheel, where we look at the wheel to find out how we're feeling, and she came up with a concept that I liked the emotional weather chart. You know how teachers have these charts in class every morning, like the kids look out and they see what the weather is and then they go and they rotate the wheel to what the weather is. So she came up with her own concept, the Emotional Weather Chart, to use to try and find out how she is doing. So maybe you can do that. Maybe you can make up your own emotion with a chat to get in touch with your own body and see what's going on.
Speaker 1:What are you feeling? Because many times we don't know what we are feeling. We just say I'm fine or I'm feeling fat. That's not a feeling, that's a thought. So how are you really feeling today? What's going on with you?
Speaker 1:Tap in and try to locate in your body what you're feeling. Do you have like a knot in your stomach? Is your chest tight? Is your face flushed, like if you're light-skinned? Is your face flushed? Is it red? Is your forehead tight? Like your head is spinning? Is your throat closing up? Like all these things? They are sensations in our bodies that tell us how we are feeling. You're not in the stomach. It can be anxiety, it can be nervousness, it can be anger. Feeling A knot in the stomach can be anxiety, can be nervousness, can be anger. A wave that starts in the stomach and rises up can be anger. For me it is usually anger. A knot, a tightness in my chest can be frustration, maybe overwhelm, like my throat drying up, feeling like my throat is dry and needles and things. It can be fear, it can be shame. I want to hide. Something has happened. Maybe that I want to hide.
Speaker 1:It is good to really learn these things, like we call it, body scanning. It is good to use the body scan to see what's going on with yourself. What is going on? Because how we think leads us to feel things. Our feelings come from our thoughts, so sometimes it is not easy to come to the thought. It takes a little time to get to the thought, but the sensation in the body is always there. The sensation will always tell you something. It might take a minute, maybe a day. I have gone days, maybe two days, without knowing what is it that I'm thinking that is leading me to feel like this, to have this sensation. I've gone two days a day, two days sometimes, and all of a sudden the sentence will come up. Sorry for the rambling, but I think it is important to start to know how we are feeling, because our feelings are our fuel for everything that we do or don't do. Even if we don't know this, even if it seems like it is not important, it is very important to know how you feel, because how you feel dictates the actions, or lack of actions, that you take in your life. Thank you for the rumble.
Speaker 1:Now back to today's episode. If you're like many of us who do not want to yell at our kids and yet it keeps happening you find yourself snapping at your kids over shoes on the floor, spilled milk, homework battles don't even get me started on screen time and then the guilt follows. After you have a snapping incident, the guilt follows. You tell yourself next time I will stay calm, but that next time never comes. I remember I used to lie in bed and think tomorrow I'm going to be better, tomorrow I'm going to do something better. But before I knew what was happening, my body was already reacting before even my brain could catch up. So here is the secret I want to share today, and it might feel uncomfortable at first, but it's freeing once you see it. So let's get started and I want to say something. The reason that I focus so much on the yelling part is because I work with moms overworked, stressed out moms who want to stop yelling at their kids.
Speaker 1:Those are the moms that I work with, so that is why I talk a lot about the yelling and the yelling and the reason I do that is because I grew up in a home. I'm not judging mother. She did the best she knew how with the resources she had, but I grew up in a environment where there was a lot of yelling and I remember having to gauge to see whether my mom was approachable if I wanted to say something, you know, and it was awful. It was awful being yelled at. So when I became a mom, I made the promise to myself way back when I was maybe 10 or 9, that I would not do that to my own children and fast forward. I had two beautiful kids and everything seemed to go smoothly. I enjoyed the times they were babies, even though they had a colleague, we shared duties with my husband and everything. But as they began growing I started to see patterns. I started to see myself doing the things that I said I wouldn't do, like I was just snapping, like I felt like I had no control over myself.
Speaker 1:And I read a lot of books. I like to read. So I read a lot of books and the books helped me understand that there was like his behavior wasn't making me yell. Was my kids' behavior wasn't making me yell. My children were yelling, were doing the things that they were doing. Yes, but my children did not have the power to reach in my brain and do things in there that made me yell. They had no power to reach in my brain and manipulate my thinking process and, you know, think stuff. I understood that from reading books and that is where it stopped. I did a few therapy sessions, maybe four or five, and I could see they taught me how our brain picks up patterns, how we were brought up. Da, da, da, da, da. I understood all that, but there was no framework, there was no formula for me to tap into. If things got boiling, if things got out of hand at home, if things became chaotic, what could I do to center myself? I did not get that anywhere until I quote, accidentally, unquote landed on coaching. Coaching helped me kick that habit to the curb and I became certified myself to help other moms. I went to school to become a cancer nurse or college nurse. I went to school to become a cancer nurse or college nurse, but I decided that I wanted to do this work more than the other one. So that is why we are here.
Speaker 1:So I know this work. I know the pain, I know the shame, I know the guilt that comes with hearing that your kids are standing there and thinking what's going on. With hearing that your kids aren't standing there and thinking what's going on, I know the look in their eyes when they look at you and they're wondering what's going on. Sometimes they want to tear up because the hearing scares them. And I know I understand very well that you are not doing this on purpose. You want to stop, but you don't know how to stop. That is where I was. That is why I have an understanding of people like that.
Speaker 1:So let's get started with today's episode. I just want to get to say this out of the gate You're not yelling because of your kid's behavior, even though it looks like that on the surface, but trust me, it is not. You're yelling because of what your kid's behavior means to you, because of what you are making their behavior mean, and usually about you. You are interpreting their behavior or lack of behavior. In a way. You have this like measuring stick and you are measuring your kid's behavior using that measuring stick and when they come up short, you think something. And when you think something you feel a certain way. Like I said, our thinking leads to how we feel, and how we feel dictates the actions we do or not do. And yelling is an action that we do because of how we feel, and we feel a certain way because of what we are thinking.
Speaker 1:Now, this is a mouthful for anybody who is new to this podcast. Let me repeat you are yelling, even though it looks like that on the surface. It is not your kid's behavior or lack of behavior that is leading you to yell. I'm willing to die on this hill. You are yelling because of what you are making your children's behavior mean and usually about you.
Speaker 1:Imagine your 11-year-old rolls their eyes at you. One mom must just laugh it off. The other mom may not even acknowledge it, they might not even see it and you might feel completely disrespected and you explode. Same behavior, different interpretations and actions. And why is that? Because what causes your reaction is not the behavior. It's the story that your brain attaches to the behavior. For example, you made the eye roll mean they don't respect me. Maybe you made it mean I'm losing control. Maybe you make it mean I'm raising a brat and it's my fault. What will people think? She will fail in the world. How will she fit in this world when she does not? What behave unquote? And when you think those sentences, your body is flooded with stress hormones. Those stress hormones are not coming from the eye roll, but they are coming from the meaning that you are giving the eye roll.
Speaker 1:When you believe that your children's actions are responsible for your emotions, you hand over your power. But when you realize that your interpretation is what creates the reaction in you, then this is very good news, because you can intervene. And the way we intervene is not by counting from 10 backwards. The way we intervene is not by stuffing it down, but we do something more powerful, and in my program we call this separating the facts from the story. When you learn to separate the facts from the story, this is where your transformation begins, and the good thing is, you can do this in under three minutes.
Speaker 1:Like this is the formula I was talking about. Like I lacked formula when I read the books. There was no formula in the books. When I to therapy, they did not give me a formula. They showed me patterns, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. Yes, now, this is the formula that I am talking about. Part of it. For purposes of time, I'm not going to do all of it in one episode, but I'm just going to show you three steps in this one. So this is what I call the inner pause. The inner pause helps you interrupt the yelling cycle in the real time.
Speaker 1:So when something happens, you just have to ask yourself three questions in the moment what just happened? Fact only, no story. And when we are giving facts, we do not attach emotions to facts, we do not describe things, we just state what happened. So an example my child rolled their eyes when I asked them to set the table. That is something that happened. And then the next step is what am I making it mean? It could be they don't respect me, they don't care, I'm failing, I have no control over them. Like this is what you are making your child rolling their eyes mean.
Speaker 1:And the third step is what else could be true here? Maybe your child is just tired, maybe she didn't want to drop whatever she was doing to come and sit at the table. Maybe this isn't about me at all. Next example Screen time. You ask your child to switch over the phone or hand over the phone or the iPad or the TV, whatever it is that they are watching, and your son yells back no with a loud voice. And then you ask yourself what am I making this mean? Okay, I'm making this mean. He's addicted to screens. He's defying me. I have lost control as a parent. What kind of parent am I who can't get their child to switch off the phone or the tv or the ipad, like these are all the things that you make this situation mean. The third step is what else could be true right now? Maybe your child is very into what he's watching and he's struggling with switching off the iPad or the phone. Maybe my child doesn't know how to manage frustration yet. That is why he just yelled back with a loud no. Maybe my child is hoping for five to ten minutes more, but he doesn't know how to ask, so he just said no. You see all these things.
Speaker 1:There are different ways to interpret a situation. The situation is just there, neutral. They can call it a fact. It's just there, neutral. There are different ways to interpret it, but the way that many of us have been brought up is to take the first, the automatic interpretation, something that pops up in our heads. We just take that and run with it.
Speaker 1:Another example homework resistance. What just happened you reminded your son about homework. Another example homework resistance. What just happened? You reminded your son about homework. That is a fact. You reminded your son about homework and maybe he rolled his eyes at you and said homework is stupid. What are you making it mean? For example, he doesn't value education, he's going to fail in life, he's going to struggle in life. You know all the things.
Speaker 1:And then the third step is what else could be true? Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed by homework. Maybe he doesn't understand this subject or the topic that they covered at school. Maybe he's comparing himself to others and he's feeling not enough because he's struggling. Maybe he just wants a break from a long day. And he did have the words to say it. That tiny pause is where the shift happens, because without the story, there is nothing to react to. Let me repeat that tiny pause that you take between the situation, the fact and your interpretation is where the shift happens, because without the story, there is nothing to react to.
Speaker 1:Now here's the thing the only way to get to a new normal is by refusing to tolerate the old way, and I understand that can feel scary, because yelling and snapping and gritting your teeth through situations has been your go-to for so long. But the version of normal, the guilt, the disconnection, being constantly overstimulated is costing you, and this is what I call the point of no return. It's the moment when you say I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going this way. Something has to change. I am not tolerating this type of mom anymore and my job is to work with you through that. Imagine yourself standing on the bank of a river and you want to cross the river to the other side and my job is to hold your hand as you cross, because you know where you're going. And if you are telling moms that, I think everyone knows the kind of mother they want to be. You know, they know it, but we need to pull shit up for it to come out of you. So my job is to help you do that. So the inner pause is your first bold step in the new future. So the inner pause is your first bold step in the new future. Taking a small step to see what else is true, instead of just reacting automatically. That is your first step. And I just want to be honest Pausing, taking the inner pause, doing the inner pause, doesn't always feel right, especially in the beginning, when you're already overwhelmed and your child is pushing back, pausing instead of yelling, can feel like you're going against every fiber of your being, because yelling brings a temporary release of pressure.
Speaker 1:But that is where the damage creeps in. And the damage can be tension in your home, emotional distance from your children lying awake at night, the stories you tell yourself when you lie awake I have messed up, I'm messing up. Am I messing them? I don't want to be like this. Why am I like this? All those stories. They come from the temporary raise of pressure which is the yelling.
Speaker 1:But choosing the inner pose gives you a different trade-off. First is the discomfort because, like I said, it is very uncomfortable when you're starting. It is uncomfortable to sit with the tension instead of reacting to it the way you used to. But as you do that, your brain and your body adapt to it. And when your body and brain get used to it, to sitting with the tension, the byproduct of that is you create a calmer home and a child who trusts your leadership, and you show your children. Most of all, you show them how to manage their own reactions and frustrations. So what is really at stake here? If you don't do anything about. It is really at stake here if you don't do anything about it? Or what is at stake here if you do something about it? You stop living in reaction, you stop feeling hijacked by your children's behavior. You begin to feel like yourself again, but stronger, studier and more clear. Your children learn to trust your calm. They feel safer, not because you're perfect, but because you're present. They stop bracing for the next explosion and start opening up instead. And this is how emotional safety gets built. That is how cycles get broken.
Speaker 1:Think about this, your future self. Let us say a year from now, six months from now, that future version of you will thank you. That future version of you three months from now, six months from now, a year from now, that future version of you still has rough days of you still has rough days. That future version of you still messes up sometimes, but she shows up for love and not survivor mode. That future version of you is grounded, she's clear, she breathes before she speaks and her kids look at her with trust and not fear. And that future version of you got there because you decided today that you are no longer going to tolerate the old way. That future version of you is looking back at you right now, the tired, overwhelmed but determined version of you saying thank you, thank you for being brave enough to pause, thank you for choosing this comfort such that we could live in peace. It's like when a butterfly is coming out of the cocoon it must be painful. I have seen butterflies come out. It must be painful, but it's freeing when they finally come out. It's freeing. So finally come out, it's freeing.
Speaker 1:So maybe yelling is what you're used to. That is how you go to, that is your go-to reaction, but you don't like it. You need to take the next uncomfortable step in order for you to be the man you want really to be. And the way that you do that is by using this simple formula that I stated here today. You separate fact from the story and then you ask yourself what am I making this mean? Instead of saying my child is very disrespectful, I asked them to set the table and they refused, no, you just state I asked them to set the table and they made a sound or they rolled their eyes. That is a fact. And then you have to look at what you're making it mean and then you ask yourself what else could be true. You practice that? Do that. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much for tuning in today. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.
Speaker 2:Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.
