The 90-Second Emotional Reset

Ever feel that fire bubbling up when your kid rolls their eyes, slams a door, or flat-out ignores you for the tenth time? That heat in your chest, the tight jaw, the sharp tone that slips out before you even know it; it's easy to think they caused it. But... what if that wasn’t the whole story?

Turns out, there’s something pretty surprising about how emotions actually work, and it might change the way you see those moments.

Most of us deal with hard feelings in the usual ways: we push through, blow up, or check out. Totally normal. But there’s another way that’s helped a lot of moms feel more steady, even in the messiest moments.

One mom recently told me her teen called her a "safe space," even though she still felt like she was fumbling her way through. That really stuck with me. It's a reminder that we don’t have to be perfect to make a difference.

If this kind of shift is something you're curious about, head over to Apple Podcasts and leave a review. It helps more moms find these tools for navigating the tough stuff with a little more calm; and a lot more grace.

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Chapters

• 0:01 Introduction to Emotional Wellness
• 3:01 Understanding Your Feelings' True Source
• 5:35 What You're Actually Craving
• 9:17 Three Ways We Handle Emotions
• 10:50 Sitting With Discomfort: The 90-Second Rule
• 15:04 Real Struggles and Real Growth
• 18:40 Closing Thoughts and Practices

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, where overworked, stressed-out moms come to breathe, reset and remember they are not alone. My name is Esther Mbabazi. I am a mom and a certified coach, and I hope you understand what's really going on in your brain when the pressure builds and yelling feels like the only option. On this podcast, we talk about real-life motherhood moments, the kind that push your buttons, and how to meet them with calm, clarity and self-compassion, not because you're doing it wrong, but because no one ever taught us how to do it differently. This is your space to pause and make the shift from reaction to intention. Let's get started. Just a quick note this podcast is for informational purposes only and isn't a substitute for therapy, mental health treatment or medical advice. Please reach out to a licensed professional if you need personal support. Welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast. This is episode number 64. My name is Esther Mbabazi. How are you feeling today? How are you doing today? Do a little body scan. What is going on in your body right now? Are you excited for summer? Because the kids don't have to wake up very early anymore, they can be out more now. They don't have a routine, which can be both a good and bad thing. So what are you doing? How are you looking forward to spend the next eight weeks that schools are closed? Let me know.

Speaker 1: 1:55

So in today's episode I am going to talk about something that is a mother. You are no stranger to emotional overload. Maybe your kid rolls their eyes for the 10th time today, refuses to unload the dishwasher or snaps at you again when you ask about homework. Before you realize it, you feel a surge of energy start in your stomach, work its way up. Your face is flushed and your voice raises. So many of us think my kid made me feel this way, but here is the truth. No one creates feelings in you. Your thoughts do. Let me repeat that no one creates feelings in you. No one has the ability to reach in your brain and manipulate things and make you feel certain way your thinking does. So what does that mean? Let me break it down for you. Sensations are the things your body feels on its own, for example, a racing heart, tight shoulders, a lump in your throat or a dry throat, a surge or a churn that you feel in the stomach.

Speaker 1: 3:33

Feelings or emotions. I use them interchangeably. Feelings or emotions start in your brain and they are caused by a thought, for example, they are being disrespectful, and they show up as a vibration or a sensation in the body. So when your child slams the door and you feel rage bubbling up, it's not the slammed door causing the rage. It's your thought about the slammed door which, in this case, might be. They don't respect me. I can't deal with this anymore.

Speaker 1: 4:18

That is not to say that your reactions don't make sense. Of course they do. You are a human being. That your reactions don't make sense? Of course they do. You are a human being. But understanding where your emotions or feelings really come from gives you power. You don't have to wait for your kids to behave before you can feel better. Let me repeat that Understanding where your emotions or feelings come from, which is your thoughts you don't have to wait for your kids to behave better so that you feel better. And why does this matter? When you are not aware of your emotions, you are more likely to snap. When you did not mean to, you are more likely to withdraw when you are overwhelmed. You are more likely to say fine when you're anything but fine.

Speaker 1: 5:18

But when you name what you're feeling, even just in your head, it gives you a teeny, tiny bit of space to choose what to do next. And here is a simple way to start Name your feeling in one word. Not a story, not a judgment, just one word. For example, frustrated, disappointed, anxious, resentful, sad, guilty, discouraged, happy, joyful, helpless. You name it and you can use a feeling list if that helps.

Speaker 1: 6:03

In my program we have like a feeling list, because sometimes it's not easy to pinpoint what you're feeling, but we have a tool that we use in my program. We call it a feelings list. So once you notice an uncomfortable emotion, because you're human, it's tempting to try to swap it out immediately. I shouldn't be this upset. Let me think something positive. I need a better thought so I can be a better mom. In my program we call that thought swapping and while it can be helpful later, in the beginning it usually skips the most important step Awareness. Just noticing I'm feeling resentful right now. You're not judging it, you're not reacting to it or trying to fix it. That is incredibly powerful. Let's say you just want some peace and quiet at home.

Speaker 1: 7:10

You want fewer arguments, a child who follows through without being asked 12 times. But if you dig a little deeper and ask yourself why do I want that? How would I feel if I had that? Maybe the answer is you want to feel calm, you want to feel appreciated, you want to feel connected or respected. Those feelings are what you're actually craving, not the chore chart that finally works. Let me repeat that If you dig a little deeper about why you want fewer arguments at home, why you want a child who follows through without being asked 10 times, if you dig deeper and ask yourself why do I want that, how would I feel if I had that, your answer may be you want to feel calm, you want to feel appreciated, you want to feel connected or respected. Those feelings are what you are actually craving. You are not craving a list or a reward chart or a chore chart that finally works. Works, and the amazing news is, those feelings do not have to wait until your child becomes compliant. Those feelings are available right now because they come from your thoughts.

Speaker 1: 8:54

No-transcript. So why is this so hard? Because most of us, we are never taught how to feel our emotions. We were taught how to fix how to hide them or ignore them. There are three things we usually do with quote uncomfortable, unquote feelings. We resist them, we shove them down and power through, we grit our teeth through, but that tight feeling does not go away, it builds. Another way we deal with our uncomfortable feelings is we react to them. You yell, you slam a door, you cry in the bathroom, you're doing something, but it's not actually feeling the feeling. And the third way that we usually address our uncomfortable feelings is we avoid them. For example, we grab a snack, we scroll our phone, pour ourselves a glass of wine, we get busy cleaning and nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with all those things, but anything to distract ourselves from feeling the feeling. But there is a different way. You can just feel the emotion, you can sit with it. In my program we call it sit with it. You can sit with it, you can name it, breathe into it, notice how it feels in your body and remind yourself that this is just a sensation. It is uncomfortable but it is not dangerous and it will pass. That is what we mean by emotional awareness inside of my program. It's not about pretending you love the mess, you love the eye rolls or the slammed doors. It is about becoming so grounded in yourself that those things do not get to decide how you feel or how you show up. Let me repeat that Emotional awareness is not about pretending that you love the mess the kids leave behind, that you are okay with their eye rolls or the slam doors. It is about becoming grounded in yourself that those things that the kids do do not decide how you feel. Those things the kids do that you don't like, that they do not decide how you show up as a mom.

Speaker 1: 11:34

So if we go back, just to recap, we sit with our discomfort, our rage, our anger. We name it. I think this is rage. We breathe into it, we create space for it, we notice how it feels in the body. I feel needles in my throat. That is one way of noticing what is going on in your body. I feel needles in my throat, my stomach is churning. This is rage. I feel rage and you remind yourself this is just a vibration, a sensation in my body. It feels uncomfortable but it is not dangerous and when you do that, you create space for the said emotion and it will pass.

Speaker 1: 12:31

Imagine you're standing at the beach and you see a wave on the water, on the ocean or on the sea. A wave is coming and it's powerful, somewhere in the middle of the ocean or the lake or the sea, but by the time it reaches the shore it is starting to lose its momentum, its energy. That is how emotions are. They feel very intense when we are in the middle of something, but when we create space for it, we sit with it, we breathe through it, we notice how it feels in our body and we remind ourselves that it is a sensation. It is the body's natural alarm that something is going on here. It is not dangerous. Even though it feels very uncomfortable, it is not dangerous. It will pass. And studies show that when we go through this process of creating space for the emotion, sitting with it, naming it, breathing into it, noticing how it feels in our bodies, and we remind ourselves that it is uncomfortable, yes, but it is not dangerous. It is just a sensation in our body.

Speaker 1: 13:47

When we do that without interrupting, it's a cycle. When we go through that cycle without interrupting it, with the drink, with the scrolling, with yelling, if we just let ourselves be in that, studies show that it takes around 60 to 90 seconds for that cycle to pass, and another will overcome, and another will overcome. We just have to create 60 to 90 seconds space for that cycle to pass. When you do that, you create not only do you create resilience, but you create emotional muscle, you become grounded, you create emotional safety for you such that when things around you are chaotic or they are shaky, you have the safety inside of you. You are not easily rattled by things that are outside of you, because you know that the emotion that you feel will pass. If you give it 60 to 90 seconds, it will pass, and another one will come, and another one will come. Because we are human beings. These things are bound to happen. And I just want to be honest if you're new to this kind of work, it is hard in the beginning. It is hard Even not only in the beginning.

Speaker 1: 15:12

Just the other day, I experienced something. I tried to feel the emotion, I tried to create space for it, but I felt like I wanted to jump outside of my body. I wanted to jump out of my body because it was too intense. I tried to breathe, I tried to sit with it and notice it and see what was going on. I was very frustrated with something and I sent my coach a text that I can't do this. There's no other way. This is too hard. I think this is where the inner coaching model doesn't work. I think the inner coaching model doesn't work in this situation. I sent her and she asked me. She still takes back and asked me how is thinking all these things helpful? And, to be honest, it wasn't. It wasn't helpful. I just needed to stay with it and be with it and before I knew it, the situation had passed and everything was back on, was back again to normal. But I felt frustrated and I was judging On top of that. I was judging it because in my brain I'm like oh, you're a coach, you've been doing this work for some time, this should be easy for you. So I was judging myself for being frustrated with something that I had no control over, with something that I had no control over. So this is hard, especially in the beginning, but this process works.

Speaker 1: 16:45

Not only does it work, but your children are seeing you, they are watching. A mom that I work with told me recently that her I think she's 14, her 14-year-old told her that she is a safe space for her, and the client did not even believe it because she does not see herself as a safe space. She thinks like she's lagging behind in this work. It is taking longer than she thought, but obviously something's changing. It is taking longer than she thought, but obviously something's changing. Something is working because her 14-year-old is noticing, is noticing something about her mom. She said mom, you are my safe space, I feel safe around you, which is huge. So keep practicing.

Speaker 1: 17:33

When you feel the rage, keep practicing when you feel the rage, when you feel the anger, the frustration. It is what you are thinking. It is not what they are doing, it is what you're thinking about, what they are doing that is leading you to feel like that. And then you go in your body and see where is it. Is it? Are you flushed in the face? Is your throat tightening up? Do you have a tight chest? Is something churning in your stomach? Do you feel like needles on your skin, under your skin, something?

Speaker 1: 18:14

For me, anxiety is usually like that when I'm very anxious about something, I feel like burning, like my skin is burning when I'm anxious about something, and I know it feels very uncomfortable, but at least I know it is not dangerous. And another thing that helps me is if my brain is like, oh, you need to do this. I tell the brain let us sleep on it, we'll see tomorrow, we'll decide tomorrow. Let us sleep on it, we'll see tomorrow, we'll decide tomorrow. Let us sleep on it, and then we'll decide tomorrow. That works like a speed bump, like it creates space between me and whatever it is that is happening. So go practice. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.

Speaker 2: 18:56

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.