Your Future Self: Creating the Mother You Want to Be

Motherhood transforms not just our lives, but our entire sense of self. Yet many of us find ourselves caught in patterns we desperately want to break, the yelling, the frustration, the guilt cycle that leaves us feeling like we're failing our children and ourselves. 

What if the calm, intentional mother you aspire to be isn't someone you need to wait for, but someone you can begin embodying right now?

The journey toward becoming that future version of yourself isn't about fake smiles or gritted teeth while chaos swirls around you. 

That's just performance, and it's exhausting. True transformation happens when you recognize that your brain is running on programming from your childhood, societal expectations, and media portrayals of what "good mothers" do. 

This programming creates automatic thoughts like "I'm being disrespected" or "I'm failing them" when your child slams a door or ignores your question—thoughts that trigger emotions leading directly to reactions you later regret.

Your brain responds to repetition and evidence. Every time you react by yelling, you strengthen that neural pathway until you believe, "I'm just a yeller."

But when you pause, even briefly, and choose to respond as your future self would, your brain takes notice. Through the Inner Coaching Method, you learn to catch those automatic thoughts, ask what the mother you aspire to be would do, and respond from that place, not through willpower, but through practice and patience.

This shift doesn't happen when circumstances improve, it happens right in the midst of eye rolls, messy rooms, and forgotten chores. It begins when you reverse engineer who you want to become, walking backward from that vision to guide today's choices. 

The mother you dream of being already exists within you. You simply need to practice bringing her forward, one intentional moment at a time.

Ready to break free from reactivity and step into intentional motherhood? Join me as we explore how understanding your brain can transform your parenting journey from one of frustration to one of connection, calm, and confidence.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Motherhood and the Brain
• 3:23 What This Podcast Is Really About
• 5:44 Beyond Faking It: Creating Your Future Self
• 11:04 Your Brain Responds to Repetition
• 16:18 The Inner Coaching Method Explained
• 22:17 Reverse Engineering Your Future Self
• 28:34 Closing Thoughts: She's Already Within You

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, where overworked, stressed-out moms come to breathe, reset and remember they are not alone. My name is Esther Mbabazi. I am a mom and a certified coach, and I hope you understand what's really going on in your brain when the pressure builds and yelling feels like the only option. On this podcast, we talk about real-life motherhood moments, the kind that push your buttons, and how to meet them with calm, clarity and self-compassion, not because you're doing it wrong, but because no one ever taught us how to do it differently. This is your space to pause and make the shift from reaction to intention. Let's get started. Just a quick note this podcast is for informational purposes only and isn't a substitute for therapy, mental health treatment or medical advice. Please reach out to a licensed professional if you need personal support. Hello there, welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast. This is episode number 65.

Speaker 1: 1:17

Someone recently asked me what do I mean by? Why did I name this podcast Motherhood and the Brain? And I can see how that can be confusing because she thought it was like a science, like real hard, like science podcast that dissects the brain, like you know, and the reason why I called this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, is because everything that we do or don't do is influenced by our brain. Even though we don't know that, even though they don't teach that in school at least the school that I went to they do not teach that, the way that things are, everything that we do starts in the brain. So when we understand how our brain works, so when we understand how our brain works, motherhood becomes teeny tiny bit easier or navigable. That is why I called it Motherhood and the Brain podcast.

Speaker 1: 2:13

So how are you feeling? How are you doing? Today it's summer, summer is still going on. The weather is nice. Like I said in the earlier podcasts, I know the weather is a neutral circumstance. We get to choose what to think about it. Well, for me, somehow in my brain, I think the weather affects my mood. I'm happier in the sun. That is what I think, even though I know it is not true. I know intellectually it is not true. I get to choose what to think about the weather and I choose happy thoughts about the weather. That is why I feel happy. Anyway, how are you doing? How are the kids? They are out now, sleeping in. Probably, if they're like mine, they are sleeping in waking up later, which is a good thing for them, because their brains need the sleep, like during the school days, they are up very early and they go to bed late, so in a time like this they need to catch up. Their brains need that extra sleep. Anyway, enough with the rumbling Back to today's episode.

Speaker 1: 3:23

I just want to say something. My Instagram account is called the help moms here less coach, so dm me how you feel. I want to hear how you feel whether you have started this feeling work, whether you're starting to tap into your body. And this works for people who do not have major trauma, for people who have experienced major trauma. If you have experienced major trauma in your life and you are afraid of feeling, of going into your body, you need help. You need professional help.

Speaker 1: 4:04

The work that I do here is not for people who have experienced major trauma. The work I do here is just for educational purposes only. I'm just sharing what works with me, what has worked for me, what has made my motherhood journey a teeny tiny bit navigable or easier. That is is what I'm sharing. This is not meant for medical help. If you need medical help, psychological help, if you have experienced major trauma. You need professional help to navigate the feeding side of things, because this is what we do. This is what I used to do when I was new to this work. I used to like to intellectualize my I could see what was happening and state it and say, yeah, I think that is fear, like I didn't know how to go in my body and feel things and locate things and scan things. I didn't know how to do that, but in the beginning this work. But now I can't say that I know, like I'm a very pro at feeling, but at least I'm way better than I was in the past. So I want to say it again If you have experienced major trauma, you need help. This podcast is just for educational purposes only. Okay, let's begin today's episode.

Speaker 1: 5:28

Someone recently asked me what is the difference between faking it till you make it and behaving or becoming or being the person that you want to become? And let's talk about that becoming or being the person that you want to become. And let's talk about that, because there is a difference between faking it, like they call it, and behaving like the future version of yourself, of the person that you want to become, when you are trying to stop yelling or you want to stay calm with your children. Despite of what they are doing, nothing seems to work. And because nothing seems to work, it's easy to think that you need more self-control. It is easy to think that you need more patience, that maybe you need a new parenting script, and I'm here to tell you that's not it. What's really happening underneath is that your brain is running on programming from your childhood, programming from the society that you grew up in, programming from what your parents did, from advertising, from TV, of what a good mother is or does.

Speaker 1: 6:50

So when your child slams the door I use slamming the door a lot as an example, because I hear many moms their kids slam doors. Even mine do so when your child slams the door for the 10th time, your brain is going to bring you thoughts like I'm being disrespected, they are out of control, I'm failing them. I need to get a handle on this right now. Those thoughts create a surge of emotion in your body Frustration, panic, shame, guilt, whatever Different emotions. They come up after thinking thoughts like that and these emotions drive your reaction. It is not your child's behavior that drives your actions. It is your thinking about your child's behavior, actions. It is your thinking about your child's behavior that drives you to feel frustrated. And when you feel frustrated, maybe you raise your voice in order to attempt to show that you have a handle on whatever is going on. Your brain isn't trying to sabotage you. Your brain is trying to protect you, but it is doing it on autopilot. Your brain is using old data to make fast decisions, so when things get messy or chaotic, your brain reaches into its file cabinet and says here's how we have always handled this. When they do that, we yell to try to get the situation under control.

Speaker 1: 8:29

And the thing is, most of us were never taught that the version of the mom that we want to be, the future version of ourselves, is not something that we stumble into. The future version of the person that we want does not just appear one day because time has passed. No, she does not arrive because your kids have gotten older or things have gotten easier. The future version of the person that you want to become, you create her. She does not just appear magically. You set out to create that person, to live with the intention of creating that person or tapping into that person, and this is one of the most important truths you will ever hear. We have to reach out and create that person, because many of us are walking around wanting to change. We crave peace, we want more patience, we want less yelling, we want a deeper connection with our children, but we are waiting for that to happen to us. We were not taught how to do that, how to become that person.

Speaker 1: 9:51

We think that when, for example, I finally get a break, when my kids stop fighting, when I feel less overwhelmed, then I'll be more calm, more present and more joyful. Then I'll be more calm, more present and more joyful. But here's the thing you don't wait to become her. You build her now by behaving like her now, and this does not mean faking it. You are not just pretending to be calm while everything inside you is tense and tight, because your body knows that it does not feel real when you are just gritting your teeth and pretending to be something. It does not feel real. It feels very performative, it feels like you're acting and that is very exhausting. It doesn't last long. Like that is willpower, willpower is. It doesn't last long. Like that is willpower, willpower is. It doesn't last long. But the future version of you who already knows how to respond, despite your kids fighting. The one who sets firm boundaries from a place of love, the person who's deeply connected to her values and no longer runs on old programming. That person is created through practice. That person is created through awareness and with intention. You set out to create that. So why does the brain matter in this situation? So why does the brain matter in this situation? No-transcript. Let me say that again.

Speaker 1: 11:36

The human brain responds to repetition and evidence. When you keep reacting the same way, your brain takes note Ah, this must be who we are. This is how we react. When the kids don't listen, we raise our voice. You're strengthening that response. Every time you do that, you're strengthening that habit. You're strengthening that response. Every time you do that, you're strengthening that habit. You're strengthening that habit. So the brain wires that in as your default identity.

Speaker 1: 12:08

I think you have had people who say yeah, well, I'm a yeller. I came from a family of yellers. My family is like that. I was yelled at as a child. My destiny is already decided, there's nothing I can do Now. They have created this identity. This is how they see themselves. So every time you respond in a way like that, you are strengthening that habit. You are strengthening that habit and every time you choose to respond from the future version, from the person that you want to become, even in a small, barely noticeable way, your brain takes note, it pauses and it thinks this is not the usual script. Something is going on here. And when you repeat the poses, before you react, when you repeat the poses, the more you repeat those poses, the brain starts to trust this new script that you are feeding it, not because you muscled your way through it, but because you kept practicing and being patient and repeating.

Speaker 1: 13:24

I talked about evidence, how the brain likes to see evidence, because everything that we believe, the brain will go out and get evidence for us. If you believe that you are a yeller, that well, my destiny is already decided for me. This is how I am. If you believe that your brain is going to bring up all the situations that happened in the past where you yelled how your parents yelled at you, how your father yelled at you, how your mother yelled at you, maybe your sister yells. The brain is going out to bring all that evidence back to you to back up its belief. And if you believe that, okay, maybe I yell now. Okay, I came from a family of yellers. Yes, you are just stating the facts. Now, my mother yelled a lot, my father yelled a lot, my way, whatever but there are also people who don't yell, and then you name them. Maybe you know someone who doesn't yell, because in my case, I knew people who didn't yell but I used to yell. But when I learned this, I started to present more evidence to my brain that you see, this person doesn't yell, this person speaks calmly to their children, that person doesn't yell because I knew them. I knew those people Despite the fact that I was yelling, and I knew a lot of people who yelled. I also knew people who did not yell at their kids. So I kept presenting that to the brain. I kept presenting Every time my brain was like, yeah, why bother, you yell already, you came from a yelly family. La, la, la, la la. I would also, when I learned this work, I would also present my brain with evidence of people who do not yell at their kids, the people that I knew of. So I kept doing this.

Speaker 1: 15:20

One of my teachers, corinne Crabtree, calls this giving equal airtime, because our brain's default was be the negative. So we have to practice, we have to teach the brain to see the positive. This is where this evidence comes in. If you want to believe anything, you have to go and find evidence of what you want to believe in and present it to your brain. And in this case, if you think you can't stop yelling at your kids, instead of believing that, you go out there and find evidence for people who do not yell, that you know of and you tell your brain. You say I know this person. They don't yell, that person doesn't yell, this person doesn't yell, and you have to keep doing that. You have to keep doing that. You have to keep doing that. In the earlier episodes I'm not sure which number, I can't put it in the show notes I did an episode about journaling and everybody, many people, do journaling.

Speaker 1: 16:21

But the difference with the kind of journaling that I teach, that I practice myself, is we look at the thought. We don't just write down things, we look at what we are thinking. So if I think that, well, nothing will change with me. I have always been yelling. I grew up in a yelling family. If I continue writing that down, I'm just strengthening that path in my brain. But if I write that down and I go and find someone. I know, people I know who don't yell, and I present that as evidence. I keep writing about that. There are people who don't hear. These people. I know them.

Speaker 1: 17:00

I'm not just writing things down, I'm going to the root, which is our thinking, showing my brain like, yes, we believe this, but there's also that, yes, we believe this, but there's also that, yes, I grew up like this. But there is also that it is possible, giving equal amounts of airtime to the positive. This is what I mean by evidence, providing evidence to your brain that this is possible for you, because the brain will quickly shut you down. It doesn't want new things, it doesn't want to do any work, just want to keep going in the loop. And we know now that the loop of yelling, of snapping, yelling and regret is tiresome. We have been doing this for a while now. We want it to stop and do something new. So it is our job to gently guide our brain to where we want to go. And the brain will have tantrums, yes, but we keep going.

Speaker 1: 17:57

So in my program we use what I call. My program is called the Yell-less formula, but I have a tool that I use. It's called the Inner Coaching Method. So the Yell-less formula was built on the Inner coaching method. Inner coaching method is the tool that we use in the year, less formula to tap into our future version.

Speaker 1: 18:26

The inner coaching method shows us what we are thinking. It is just a tool that shows us what we are thinking and what results we are creating in our lives. Then from there we can decide how to proceed. The inner coaching method gives you a way to pause that automatic identity loop and say hold on, the mom I want to be would not handle the situation, this situation, whatever it is that you have this way. So what would that mother do? What would the mother that I want to become do in a situation like this? Now you are not reacting from the loop. Now you are starting to respond from what you want to become in the future. It takes time, like I said, repetition, it takes time, but if you give it time, if you practice it, your brain starts to believe it. You are now responding from your vision, from your values as a man, the values that you want. You're not just doing things on automatic. You are doing things from your own vision, from your own values With the inner coaching tool that we use inner coaching method.

Speaker 1: 19:54

It brings, it creates awareness of what is really going on here. We get curious. You learn how to coach yourself internally. You shift from the inside out. Let me give an example. You 11-year-old, just walked in from school. They drop their bag in the hallway and they ignore you completely. When you ask about how their day was, you ask again and they grant something and they disappear into their room. Your default response might be seriously, don't walk away from me, I'm just, I'm just trying to find out your day. Like you know how things are. This is like a default response. And before you know it, she's shouting behind the closed door and you are shouting behind from like on the other side of the door.

Speaker 1: 20:48

But with the inner coaching method you see what your future self, the mom that you want to be intentionally. What would she do in a situation like this? She still feels annoyed, but she takes a breath, she thinks this isn't personal. She's like my child is exhausted from six, seven hours at school. Maybe they came from a sport extracurricular activity, so maybe they are overwhelmed or overstimulated. And then you think to yourself this is not personal. She needs time to cool down, to decompress and the future version of you does not slam the door or chase your child down the hallway. The future version of you gives this child space and then checks in later from a calm place and not in a controlling place.

Speaker 1: 21:52

Another example your 13-year-old is begging again for TikTok to have TikTok on her phone and you have said no many times than you remember. You are exhausted of having this discussion. It's tempting to yell at her, but the future version of you, the mom that you want to become, already knows what to say. It can be. For example, I can be empathic and still hold a boundary. So the future version of you says to the child I understand that you want this app on your phone. I understand that you want this app on your phone, but my answer is still no, because there is nothing good for you on that app. You see you are coming from different angles Because you are tapping into who you want to become. You are choosing your responses with intention. You are not just reacting from the loop or you could just tell her we can talk more about this when you're ready to listen, without all the arguing. This is not faking it. This is not greeting your teeth and speaking through your teeth.

Speaker 1: 23:15

You are calm because you have practiced this version of yourself in advance and with the inner coaching method, you pause and catch thoughts that would drive you to yelling. In this case, a thought like that could be how many times do I have to say no to you? That can be a thought that can lead you to yelling, but you gently coach yourself. You understand this is hard, but I don't need to react from resentment. I can't handle this with clarity. These aren't big dramatic moments. They are everyday interactions, like you coach yourself through this. Through this, through this.

Speaker 1: 24:06

Coaching yourself or using the inner coaching method does not mean that you will not experience challenging times. No, it means you will experience challenging times, but you have a tool to help you navigate the challenging times. And because you do not become the future version of you by waiting for your kids to behave better, you become the future version of you by choosing your thoughts and behaviors and actions on purpose, right in the middle of the mess, of the eye rolls, of the messy rooms, the forgotten chores and all the things that the children do. This is where the work happens. The work does not happen in the ideal future. It happens right here, right now.

Speaker 1: 24:58

I think you have noticed that, if you have been, if there is something that you want, and because you are not aware that you have to intentionally become that time has passed and nothing has changed it is because you are not actively living from that person. I think this is what they call reverse engineering. You go to the result of what you want to become the mother that you want to become and then you walk your way backwards. What would that mother do? What would that mother think? What would that mother?

Speaker 1: 25:35

I've been using that in, like yeah, this is like a side note, but I have been using this to understand money management money management as a woman, because the way I was brought up yeah, that is a whole nother topic for another time but I've been using this future version of me in money management how to create wealth for yourself, how to create financial independence, independence as a woman. Like there's a version of me that I see in the future and I'm walking backwards In my head. I already live there, but I'm walking backwards. What would, in order for me to be financially independent, what would I need to do to become that? So I already have that person in mind, I can see her, so I'm doing the things that will take me. Have that person in mind. I can see her, so I'm doing the things that will take me to that person. I hope it makes sense. English is not my first language, but I hope I made sense.

Speaker 1: 26:39

So if you want to become a mom that is calm, that has a good connection, a good, deep or deeper, meaningful relationships with her children, you have to go there and see what that is. Who are you then? What do you do? What decisions do you take? How do you talk to your children? How do you talk to yourself when things are hard? This is very important. When you're facing difficulties, how are you speaking to yourself? How does this mother handle challenges, the mother that you want to become? Then walk your way backwards.

Speaker 1: 27:13

If something happens at home with your kids, how would the version of the mother that you want to become handle that situation? We know those things. This is the most interesting thing. We know those things, but because we are not taught to actively work on that, many of us don't do it. We think it will just happen, but it doesn't. So think about it. How do you want to be Like? Who do you want to be. You know who you want to be and then work your way backwards. Imagine you're already there, but work your way backwards, reverse engineering it. You know that. We all know that. We know what we want to be, we know the kind of mom that we want to be.

Speaker 1: 27:59

Then we have to walk our way back. What would that person do? What would she think when something happens at home? How does that version of me react in the future? How does that version of me respond when things are not going my way? How am I showing up when things are not happening my way? Am I just bullying my kids into doing things because things are not going well? We have to do all this, have to sit down and journal all this Every time something happens. Go to that person, the future version of you. Thank you so much for listening today. Talk to you again next week. I just want to tell you the mom that you want to be, the mother that you want to be, is already within you. It is already within you. You just have to come back, work your way backwards. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.