When Our Kids Pull Away

Rejection hurts. When our teenagers pull away, spending hours alone in their rooms and responding with one-word answers or slammed doors, many mothers experience it as personal rejection. 

This pain isn't imaginary, neuroscience confirms that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain, a mechanism evolved from our ancestors' dependence on group acceptance for survival.

For mothers who experienced rejection in their own childhoods, their children's natural bid for independence can trigger deep-seated wounds.

Having learned to associate closeness with safety and distance with danger, these mothers may unconsciously interpret a teenager's closed door as evidence of their own failure or unlovability rather than recognizing it as healthy development.

Society compounds this struggle by consistently messaging that children's behavior reflects parenting quality. We're taught that polite, thriving children indicate successful mothering, while moody or distant ones suggest we've failed somewhere. 

This creates a dangerous pattern where mothers manipulate children's behavior not just for household harmony, but to regulate their own self-worth.

When children become responsible for their mother's emotional wellbeing, we unknowingly pass down the same harmful patterns that may have wounded us.

Breaking this cycle begins with awareness. That moment when your teen shuts the door in your face, pause before reacting. Notice what emotions surface, perhaps sadness, fear, or confusion. 

Name these feelings as old pain rather than accurate reflections of your current reality. Instead of trying to fix your child's behavior to soothe yourself, focus on self-regulation through journaling, calling a supportive friend, taking a walk, or practicing deep breathing.

This challenging season is temporary, though the feelings it triggers are real. You can honor your disappointment while still holding space for your child's necessary growth.

By grounding yourself in self-worth that doesn't depend on your child's behavior, you create the foundation for a more authentic relationship built on mutual respect rather than emotional dependence. 

The connection between you remains, even in the quiet, wa

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Rejection's Deep Impact
• 2:31 How Society Burdens Mothers
• 5:35 Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Need
• 9:04 Self-Soothing Techniques for Mothers
• 12:29 Finding Peace in This Challenging Season
• 18:24 Closing Thoughts and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

In many societies, mums, mothers, are constantly fed the message that how well our kids behave is a reflection of us. If they are polite, calm, affectionate, thriving, then we have done an amazing job. If they are moody, distant, disrespectful, then we must have failed them somewhere. So what do we do as mothers? We try to fix it. We want our children to act a certain way, not just so the house runs smoother, but because on some level, their behavior is tied to our sense of self-worth. We start needing and manipulating our kids to behave a certain way so we feel okay. But it is not our children's job to make us feel better. It is our job. Our children have their own emotional lives to take care of. We cannot be burdening them with our own. They are not even good at it. We are not good at making ourselves feel better, but somehow, in a twisted way, we expect our children to make us feel better even though we, the adults, cannot do that job. Welcome to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, where overworked, stressed out moms come to breathe, reset and remember they are not alone. My name is Esther Mbabazi. I am a mom and a certified coach, and I hope you understand what's really going on in your brain when the pressure builds and yelling feels like the only option. On this podcast, we talk about real-life motherhood moments the kind that push your buttons and how to meet them with calm, clarity and self-compassion, not because you're doing it wrong, but because no one ever taught us how to do it differently. This is your space to pause and make the shift from reaction to intention. Let's get started. Just a quick note this podcast is for informational purposes only and isn't a substitute for therapy, medical treatment or medical advice Please reach out to a licensed professional if you need personal support and isn't a substitute for therapy, mental health treatment or medical advice. Please reach out to a licensed professional if you need personal support. Welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast. This is episode number 68. My name is Esther Mbabazi.

Speaker 1: 2:45

How are you today, my friends? Yeah, I call you friends. How are you today, moms? How are you doing during this summertime? How are you dealing with the summer heat if it is hot where you live? Well, it is hot where I live, like I said last time, coupled with rain, which brings some relief, but again it becomes very humid and then we are sweating and you know stuff, but I don't want to complain. I'm glad it is warmer or hotter than it is cold. I'm glad it is warmer or hotter than it is cold. So how are you doing, my friend? How are you feeling? How is it having the kids at home during this summertime? Mine sleep until I don't know 2 pm and, to be honest, according to research, according to studies, their brains need that sleep. They wake up very early during the school days and they go to bed late and they have these activities and this and that and the other. So their brains need to catch up on some sleep, which is what they're doing in the summer months, when they have the chance to do that. So anyway, let's get started on today's episode.

Speaker 1: 4:11

I was coaching a mom she's new in this thought work, like we call it, and, in her own words, this mom experienced a lot of rejection growing up. She didn't go into details and, to be honest, I don't need a backstory, but she said she experienced a lot of rejection growing up as a child. So now she has two kids. Her kids are in the ages where they prefer to be alone. They spend most of their time in their rooms and when the mom tries to communicate or connect with them. Sometimes she gets a one-word answer, other times she gets those slammed in her face. One word answer, or the other times she gets those slammed in her face and this has left her feeling rejected all over again. This is bringing up old pain and what this does is she tries even harder to connect with them and they retreat further. So it has left her confused, wondering whether she's a bad mother, wondering whether she's doing anything bad. What has she done to deserve this kind of treatment? She has been showing up her words. She has been showing up trying to be the good mother, trying to do the good thing, but she feels like things are being thrown in her face, like all the work she has done prior to this time was for nothing. This is what she said. So I just wanted to do an episode about this. So let's get started, because I know many people are going through this. I went through this but, thank God, thankfully, I knew what was going on. I was prepared, I understood where this stage was coming from and, to be honest, not all kids go through this phase of being and wanting to be alone. Some do, some don't. I have a friend of mine. Her child is not like that. So let's get started.

Speaker 1: 6:30

Rejection hurts. It is not just in your head and it's not because you are too sensitive. From an evolutionary standpoint, being part of the group meant survival. If your tribe pushed you out, your life was literally at risk. So our brain evolved to treat rejection as a threat. It lights up the same areas of the brain that respond to physical pain. That is why when your child slams the door or pulls away, it can feel like you have been punched in the gut. Now layer on your personal story, like this mom, on top of all the brain learning that rejection is a threat to our physical survival. Layer on the personal story.

Speaker 1: 7:27

Maybe, just like this mom, you grew up in a home where you had to work for approval, where you had to work so hard to be approved of and where you had to shrink yourself to keep the peace and love by being quote good unquote. If boundaries and independence were not respected or nurtured where you grew up as a child, then your brain likely learned to associate closeness with safety and distance with danger. Over time, your brain and your nervous system began to link being connected with being okay and not being connected, or being distant with not being okay. So when someone pulls away, even for healthy reasons, it feels personal. It feels like rejection, like in the case of this mom, and you carry that wiring into adulthood, even if you are not aware of it. So now that your child wants to be alone, for example when they go to eat in their room or they ask you to knock before coming in, your body might interpret that as you are being pushed away, you are not wanted. You must have done something wrong. But that reaction is not really about your child. That reaction is about the story that your brain picked up years ago that distance means disconnection, and disconnection means that you are not safe or you're not lovable. This is how we internalize experiences, not just as memories but as patterns in the body, and until we become aware of them, we unknowingly pass them down to our kids by needing our kids to stay close so we feel secure or safe or loved. So it's not just the brain.

Speaker 1: 9:40

Society adds another layer. Many moms, in many societies moms, are constantly fed the message that how well our kids behave is a reflection of us. If they are polite, if they are calm, affectionate, thriving, then we have done a good job. If they are moody, if they are distant, disrespectful, then we must have failed them somewhere. So what do we do? We try to fix it. We want them to act a certain way, not just so the house runs smoother, but because deeper, on some level, their behavior is tied to our sense of worth. We start needing our kids to behave a certain way so we can feel okay, so we can feel like we are doing a good job. But it is not our children's job to make us feel better. That is our job. Let me repeat that In many societies, moms, mothers are constantly fed the message that how well our kids behave is a reflection of us. If they're polite, calm, affectionate, thriving, then we have done an amazing job. If they are moody, distant, disrespectful, then we must have failed them somewhere. So what do we do as mothers? We try to fix it. We want our children to act a certain way, not just so the house runs smoother, but because, on some level, their behavior is tied to our sense of self-worth. We start needing and manipulating our kids to behave a certain way so we feel okay. But it is not our children's job to make us feel better. It is our job. Our children have their own emotional lives to take care of. We cannot be burdening them with our own. They are not even good at it. We are not good at making ourselves feel better, but somehow, in a twisted way, we expect our children to make us feel better, even though we, the adults, cannot do that job. So here is where it gets powerful that moment when your teen shuts the door in your face or when they answer with whatever instead of going straight to. How do I get them to talk to me? Try pausing, notice what is coming up. Maybe it's sadness, fear or terror or confusion. This deep feeling of being pushed away might also come up. So, what you do, you name it. This is old pain showing up. By naming it, you stop that cycle. You are no longer letting your past run the show and instead of trying to fix your child's behavior, to soothe your own pain, you soothe yourself. Soothing yourself might look like journaling what's coming up for you, calling a friend taking a walk and I like this one wrapping yourself in a warm, cozy blanket and sitting in the discomfort while you breathe in and out. In an earlier episode I'll try to link. I'll try to find the episode number and link it in the show notes there's an episode where I talk about how we process an emotion, and breathing in and out is one of the techniques that we use in my program to process pain or an emotional, an emotional, a negative emotion. So when you do these things, when you call a friend, when you take a pen or pencil and write, when you take a walk, wrap yourself in a warm, cozy blanket if the weather permits it or just sitting in your own discomfort, you're telling your brain and your body that we are safe. Now, this is easy. Back then, there is no threat to our physical survival. We are doing okay as you breathe. I'll just say it very briefly here the way that I do it, the way that it works for me here, the way that I do it, the way that it works for me, is I breathe in and count to four, and breathe out and count to four again, then breathe in. I make sure when I'm breathing in I feel the breath in my belly button or navel, and I count to four, breathe in, count to four, breathe out, count to four, breathe in, count to four, breathe out, count to four, and by the time I'm doing it on the third round, I usually feel better. So by doing these things, you are taking care of yourself, and this is where the real shift happens. The real shift happens because you no longer need your child's closeness to prove that you are lovable, to prove that you are doing a good job. You stop chasing connection with your child from a place of fear and instead you offer it from a place of connection and a place of love. You still get to invite your child to sit with you, to do something with you, to maybe watch a program or just whatever things that children used to do with you that they are no longer doing. You still get to invite them to do those things, but now you are not attached to the outcome. You are not so much attached to whether they come to do it with you or not, because you are not coming from a place of desperation, but you are coming from a place of connection. So even if they don't say yes, you are not so shaken the same way you would be shaken if you are coming from a place of fear and desperation. You will be shaken if you are coming from a place of fear and desperation and, most of all, your children see it, even if they don't see it, they feel your presence is grounded. It's not coming from desperation. So if you are in that in-between space where your child is pulling away and it stings, I want you to know this. This season I like to see things in my life as seasons or phases, and this season is hard, it's challenging, but it's not permanent. Just like the days when our children had colic. I had very colicky children. They were crying and everything. We survived that and we moved on to the next stage and the next stage and the next stage. So, even though this season of them pulling away, being on their own, being in their rooms, is hard and challenging, it's not permanent. You are allowed to feel sad, you are allowed to feel disappointed. You're even allowed to feel rejected, even lonely sometimes, and you are also allowed to stay grounded in who you are. You are doing the brave work of holding space for your child's growth without letting it shrink you. You are doing the work of holding space for your child's growth all the while dealing with your own rejection, working through that, and that is a tremendous job and this work matters. You matter, and the love between you and your child is still there, even though in the quiet, and even though it's quiet and it seems distant. All right, moms, that's it for today. If this spoke to you, share it with another mom who might need to hear this too, and remember your child's journey does not have to mirror your old pain. You can break the pattern. One pause, one breath and one choice at a time. So if you would like to work with me, if you'd like to see what my program is about, what coaching is really about, go to wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom. Forward slash coaching. Thank you so much for listening today. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.