#262| Why You're Afraid to Set Boundaries with Friends (and How Your Friendships Deepen When People Pleasing Stops)

Are you avoiding setting boundaries with friends because you're afraid you'll ruin the relationship?

If you're a people pleaser or an overwhelmed working woman, you've probably stayed quiet to avoid conflict—even when a friendship leaves you feeling uncomfortable or resentful. In this episode, Michelle shares why the conversations you fear most are often the ones that create healthier, more authentic relationships and greater peace of mind.

By listening, you will:

•  Learn the three-step process for defining, communicating, and maintaining boundaries that align with your values. 
•  Discover how to express a boundary in a calm, nonjudgmental way that reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation productive. 
•  Understand why following through consistently can strengthen friendships and eliminate the resentment that comes from people pleasing. 

Press play to discover how setting one simple boundary can help you protect your peace, stay true to yourself, and build stronger, more authentic friendships.

Wondering why you're overwhelmed? Take my "why am I overwhelmed" quiz to find out the source of your overwhelm, and what to do about it. 

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Life can be overwhelming, but on this podcast, you'll discover practical strategies to overcome overwhelm, imposter syndrome, and negative self-talk, manage time effectively, set boundaries, and stay productive in high-stress jobs—all while learning how to say no and prioritize self-care on the Overwhelmed Worki...

Transcript

Why Boundaries Feel So Scary

Michelle Gauthier 0:00

When you listen today, you'll learn why you might be afraid to set boundaries with your friends and how your friendships deepen when you do.

Michelle Gauthier 0:12

You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's Working Woman experiences. And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.

Michelle Gauthier 0:40

Hi, friend. Welcome to this quick Thursday episode where we're talking about setting boundaries with friends. Most of the time, when I work with my clients on things like this, they're afraid they're gonna permanently damage or blow up a relationship when they set a boundary. But what I most often see is that the opposite is actually true. When you listen today, you'll learn how to define a boundary that actually matters to you, how to script and deliver the boundary without sounding offensive, and then how to follow through when the pattern tries to repeat itself. And then at the end, I will give you the end of the story of how my client discovered the catastrophe that she feared never actually happened.

Step One Define The Real Boundary

Michelle Gauthier 1:17

Okay, so when you're going to set a boundary, there are essentially three steps to it. The first one is defining a boundary. I had a client who lived in a smallish town and she had a group of friends and everybody knew each other. And every time they got together, one of the friends would gossip. Not nice gossiping, and would share it mostly with my client. So she was kind of the recipient. She wasn't talking about her, but she was the one who was hearing her talk about everybody else. And my client would sometimes try to change the subject or give it a small laugh, but it was just against what she believed in. And over time she felt really inauthentic and resentful when she was hanging around with this person. Here's what stopped her from saying anything. She was terrified that her friend would think she was judging her, like, oh, you're better than me, or you're too good for me. And so the fear was huge. But one day we spent some time just getting clear on what she really didn't want. And what she didn't want was to be the second party where someone was talking bad about someone. And so once she got clear on that, she defined what her boundary actually was. And her boundary was I don't participate in conversations where someone's just talking badly about someone else. So there's the boundary. Define what it is. Notice she hasn't said anything to anyone about this. She just took the time with me to get clear on what her boundary

Step Two Script It Simply

Michelle Gauthier 2:30

is. Then the next thing you do is you plan the communication. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. For example, if someone calls you all the time and you don't want to talk to them all the time, you can just not answer your phone all the time. And you don't necessarily have to communicate that. But in this case, she knew she was not going to be able to just wing it. So she wrote out a script for herself and practiced it. And she came up with, I just don't feel comfortable talking about other people. So let's talk about something else. She's talking about herself. The boundary always needs to be about you. Let's just talk about something else. No judgment, no nothing, not defensive or angry. And when she delivered that to her friend the next time she said something behind someone's back, her friend said, Oh, I don't either. I don't either. I don't want to be like that. And my client said, Cool, just wanted to let you know and change the subject. So that's step two in action. You plan what you're going to say, you stay calm, and you deliver it without the drama. People are usually really scared to do this because you feel like that person's going to get mad at you. In this case, she didn't get mad. And then the third step in setting a boundary is the follow

Step Three Follow Through Calmly

Michelle Gauthier 3:30

through. So deciding what you want for a boundary, communicating that boundary, those are two big steps. But if you don't do the follow-through where you actually walk away from a conversation where someone's talking badly about someone else when that's your boundary, then you're really not holding to the boundary. So my client was able to hold her boundary. If the friend would start to talk about somebody else, she could either just walk away if they were in a big group or she could redirect the conversation. She could remind her, like, oh, I don't want to have these kind of conversations, remember? And what my client ended up experiencing is that she actually liked being with her friend more because she knew

When The Feared Blowup Never Comes

Michelle Gauthier 4:05

this issue wouldn't come up. There were a couple of times it came up, and then eventually she just got to know, okay, if I want to hang around with her, I can't be like that. So she felt better about herself for sticking with her own values and she enjoyed being with her friend more. The catastrophe that she was so worried about, it just never materialized. So I think it's a good takeaway to remember that boundaries actually don't destroy relationships. Sometimes they need to just stop a relationship and they can do that too. But a lot of times they protect them because the feared consequence is almost never as bad as you worry that it will be. And what I find is that clear communication always creates better relationships, even if it's a little bumpy at the beginning as

Take The Overwhelm Quiz Next

Michelle Gauthier 4:44

you're working out the boundaries. If you feel like people pleasing or setting boundaries is one of the main things causing your overwhelm, you can find out for sure by taking my free overwhelm quiz. If you go to my homepage, MichelleGauthier.com, you will see overwhelm quiz and you'll find out if people pleasing is what's causing your overwhelm. And you'll be able to grab a workbook to help you work through how to set a good boundary. Or maybe yours is being caused by time management or negative self-talk. It will tell you what the main cause of your overwhelm is and give you some options for next steps to take. Okay, friends, that's it for this quick Thursday. But just remember setting a boundary can do great things for a relationship. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com. See you next week.