#261| Here’s Why Fixing Everyone Else's Problems Is Making You Overwhelmed And Resentful (Tip: Stop Trying To Be So Helpful)

Are you constantly solving everyone else’s problems and wondering why you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and secretly resentful?

If you're the person everyone turns to for advice, support, and solutions, you may have fallen into the role of a "serial fixer." While helping others feels compassionate, constantly taking ownership of problems that aren't yours can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and a loss of connection with yourself. In this episode, therapist and author Leah Marone explains why empathetic, high-achieving women are especially vulnerable to this pattern—and how to finally break free.

In this episode, you will:

•  Learn how to recognize the difference between supporting someone and taking responsibility for solving their problems. 
•  Discover the simple Support, Don't Solve framework to create healthier boundaries while staying compassionate. 
•  Understand why letting others own their challenges builds stronger relationships, greater self-trust, and more peace for everyone involved. 

Press play to discover how releasing the need to fix everyone else can help you reclaim your energy, reduce overwhelm, and show up with genuine compassion instead of resentment.

Featured on the podcast
Check out Leah's book, Serial Fixer
Learn more about Leah's work

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Life can be overwhelming, but on this podcast, you'll discover practical strategies to overcome overwhelm, imposter syndrome, and negative self-talk, manage time effectively, set boundaries, and stay productive in high-stress jobs—all while learning how to say no and prioritize self-care on the Overwhelmed Worki...

Transcript

Stop Fixing Everyone Else

Michelle Gauthier 0:00

When you listen today, you'll learn why you should just stop trying to be so helpful and why trying to fix everyone else's problems is making you feel overwhelmed and resentful.

Michelle Gauthier 0:14

You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's Working Woman experiences. And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.

Michelle Gauthier 0:41

Hi, friend. I'm excited to introduce you to my guest today, Leah Marone. I had never heard the term serial fixer before. But when I heard about her book and figured out what serial fixing is, I knew immediately that I had to have her on the podcast because it's something that so many of us struggle with, which is the idea that we are in charge of solving all the problems in the world. So when you listen today, you're going to learn what serial fixing is and why empathetic, high-achieving women are especially vulnerable to it. The difference between supporting someone and solving their problems, because those are two different things, and why that difference really changes everything. And then you'll learn Leah's support don't solve method that you can use and have as a tool to remember the next time when you want to solve a problem that doesn't belong to you. Leah is a therapist and an organizational consultant who works with high achievers and leaders. So let's get into it and talk with Leah about serial fixing and how we can stop.

Defining Serial Fixing

Michelle Gauthier 1:37

Thank you, Leah, so much for joining us today. I'm so excited to talk to you. Oh, I am too. Thanks for having me. I have been really looking forward to talking to you. Give us a preview. Tell us what you mean when you say serial fixing.

Leah Marone 1:50

It's that you find yourself hearing something that's emotional. You hear a problem, a hurdle, something that somebody's going through, and you immediately jump into this fixer-solver problem. We quickly take ownership of things that might not be ours, and we're operating two to three steps ahead of everything at old times. And you can see where this is a recipe for not only overextension, psychical exhaustion, but it's also letting all these external things, which are the people that we love and that we support and that we lead, be the sole structure of how we generate connection. And we leave very little space for us and giving ourselves the same courtesy that we are bending over backwards to give everyone else, I think. Yes.

Michelle Gauthier 2:32

I just love the way that you've termed it being a serial fixer. I've just never heard it talked about that way. And I'm so intrigued to learn more. So that makes so much sense. Tell me how you got from wherever you were before to being the professional on helping people not be serial fixers. Like where did you start? Were you a serial fixer? How did you realize it? Tell us a little bit about your background.

Leah Marone 2:54

I definitely, I think, would like to categorize myself as a recovering serial fixer. Of course, I'm in the work, so you always have to be mindful of my habits too. And what I found, not only through my clinical work, but working with teams and organizations and focusing a lot on overextension and local burnout, is that we do a good job these days of regurgitating kind of the symptoms of burnout. But I really wanted to get to the psychology behind it, the root of it. And a lot of times it is these roles that we place ourselves in when we are constantly, rather than letting people keep ownership of what is theirs while we support with empathy and compassion. We just step in and we fix and solve. And I found that people with high levels of emotional intelligence and that do have high levels of compassion and empathy and are in roles that really that's a necessity. These are the very people that are constantly serial fixing to maintain the graces of everyone, to not be stamped or categorized as something negative, to be premature in taking care of something that may not even come to fruition. And we see this a lot with women because I think our emotional intelligence is. We can read a face quickly, we can read a room quickly, and we also have this drive to make everyone else around us okay so that then we can be okay. But sometimes it's control disguised as compassion.

Why It Leads To Burnout

Michelle Gauthier 4:17

Yes, to all of the things that you just said. Instead of letting another adult person manage their problems, we think I'll fix that for you. I probably, I'm speaking for myself here, I probably know how to fix that for you. And don't you worry about a thing, and we will just make that feel better. And what I see a lot in my clients when they come to me with that is actually being pissed off and resentful that they're always doing it, but also still doing it. It seems to be a cycle that we get into. So, how did you even get interested in this work? What is your history that even made you enjoy psychology? Or where were you being a fixer in your life?

Leah Marone 4:58

My mother's a psychotherapist, so I grew up watching her go through grad school, her internships, and really have just the clinical work and kind of vibe as I grew up. And I was just always fascinated, even from a child, just with people's stories. And I felt an immense amount of privilege when you know someone could access vulnerability in my presence. Like I just loved the energy exchange. I loved creating that space. I loved learning through people's stories and what they've gone through and what they've tried. And so I think that was just something that really drew me and was always fascinated with just what humans work.

Michelle Gauthier 5:31

So you liked growing up with a therapist as a mom. That was good for you. You always hear the hear the jokes of oh, my mom was a therapist, so you can imagine.

Leah Marone 5:40

And I think she was in grad school when I was young, and so I saw her morph into a therapist as I was growing up. So it wasn't like this was something she had done for him as born.

Michelle Gauthier 5:50

Yeah, my kids will say to me though, I'm not a therapist, I'm a coach, but they'll say, Can you just please not coach me right now? Don't step out of your professional role and just be my mom for a second. And you played division one sports, I saw somewhere, right? What did you play?

Leah Marone 6:05

I played basketball and I was an anxious mess. I was one of those players that was really good in practice because my critic would calm down. The pressure was a little lower, and then come game time could have been 24 hours later. I just had intense battles with negative self-talk and my inner critic. And that's not the type of recipe that you want when you're trying to form athletically or in any yes. So I really was told and coached then, like, just distract yourself, just just have fun, just don't worry about it, just play. And it really was the wrong message because when we try to suppress, when we don't try to understand and kind of align with certain parts of us or understand where they're coming from and what they're trying to protect, they get creative and they sabotage. And so I took that and have really tried to help high performers and people with spear center critics and people that are operating with a high level of urgency and being two steps ahead, soothe those inner parts and quit fixing ourselves in that realm and then therefore in turn fixing externally.

Michelle Gauthier 7:05

I love that because if just have fun or just calm down or just don't worry about it worked, neither one of us would have a job and life would be a whole lot easier, that's for sure. I was trying to get pregnant for seven years, and if I could count the number of times people were like, just stop worrying about it. If you could just relax, and then you feel like it's your fault too. Oh, this is something I'm doing that's preventing this. It's so frustrating. Okay, so you had this sort of high pressure D1 sports situation. You had a mom therapist, and you have this genuine interest in people, and so you put all these things together and you come up with your practice. And then as you were working in your practice, did the idea for your book, Serial Fixer, come up based on your experience there? Or how did you get to that point?

The Support Don’t Solve Framework

Leah Marone 7:52

I guess it was 2018-ish. I started doing more consulting work and was stepping into the corporate space and nonprofit space and working with educators and HR professionals and push them on boundaries in general. And especially people in highly empathetic fields, they weren't trained like coaches and therapists to how to do that and have the boundaries and not take false ownership of things. And we have to work hard at that too, even though we were educated on that realm. And so I came up with this whole support don't solve framework. And that's what I really started helping people, teams, organizations, leaders with, and that morphed into the book. This doesn't the whole problem with serial text and people showing up to relationships and exchanges in a way that's really the main ingredient in just burnout, exhaustion, disconnection, and trying to burn it at both ends and feeling resentful and feeling this lack of connection that is so confusing because you're working so hard.

Michelle Gauthier 8:43

And to your point earlier, when you tie your enoughness or your value to doing that, to being the fixer of everything, it never actually gets satisfied because there's always something else that you have to be doing. So, how can you be a person who is a compassionate friend in relationship with someone without fixing? How do you care without fixing someone's problems?

Validate First Then Get Curious

Leah Marone 9:09

Yeah. I think the very first thing that I tell people is first you have to collect your data, right? And so you just be aware of yourself and be mindful of when a friend does share something that they're going through or oh, it happened again, or I just can't believe I'm in this relationship or whatever. And your first inclination, and it might be a repeat of conversations you've had with this friend for weeks, your advice is spot on, but they're just not doing it. And so it's really being mindful of are you jumping in immediately to fix and solve, give advice, prematurely relate. Will you just hurry up and be okay? And so, right out of the gate, I always tell people just start with validation. So if a friend comes to you and says, Oh my gosh, we were at it again, this huge fight erupted, and I just had a crazy week and all the things. And our first thought is like, when do you get out of this relationship? I hate seeing you hurt. Come on, what can we do? Just end it. Rather than that, and repeating that is just saying something like, Oh, no. I mean, you really haven't through it. It's been such a challenging week for you to validate the message and the emotion that they are sharing with you, nonverbally and verbally. That's all validation is. You may not agree with it, but you're meeting that person where they're at.

Michelle Gauthier 10:14

You're the receiver of that validation. It feels so much better. Nothing is worse than someone giving you advice that you haven't asked for when you're already feeling crappy and they're like, You should have done this or you should do that. It's that's not what I need. I need you to be like, You're right, Michelle. That's awful. I'm sorry that happened. Yeah. Okay, so first thing is validate. Yeah.

Leah Marone 10:35

So we validate, which can come in so many different forms, right? So you're validating, you're interweaving that with your empathy. And then it's like that inquire. And that's where you're asking those things or saying, Tell me more, or what do you think is going on, or what would your next steps be? Or how can I support you? Or what are your next options? I have two teenagers and they would probably say, if you ask, what does your mother always say? What are your options? Because they say this a lot. And there are times I have to refrain from I'll just call the teacher, I'll just do this, let me just wrap this up so that we can move on with our lives. Exactly.

Michelle Gauthier 11:06

And sometimes it's easier to just call the teacher. It's harder to let the kids suffer, teach the lesson, make them send the email, whatever it is. So, yeah, not only do we have this like desire to fix things for our children, but also it can be easier. So it's like we're taking the hard route twice in order to teach ourselves a lesson and teach them a lesson too. Absolutely. Okay. So when we do that, when we help them think through what their options are and make sure that they're okay and validate their feelings. In the example we're talking about, like I'm picturing talking to a close friend in this situation.

Pausing Without Taking Ownership

Michelle Gauthier 11:45

I also think that there are serial fixer tendencies. I definitely used to have these myself. So how do we sometimes just not even engage? Is it ever okay to just walk away from a problem? Yeah. And I think that's the thing.

Leah Marone 12:00

It's finding that sweet spot, right? Where the goal is not to completely disengage and look at people and their problems and be like, that's yours. It's like we still want to lead with that empathy and compassion, but there is this fine balance of gaining comfort in the discomfort. And what I mean by that is like when someone is going through something, whether it's just any feeling that everyone under the sun does not like to feel, oftentimes just gaining that pause and that understanding and letting them own it as you're there as a sport. That can be so effective. Sometimes just saying, Are you okay here? What's going on? Like checking in and pausing. We don't do that enough. We jump to conclusions and we take the beat.

Michelle Gauthier 12:38

Yes. I have my he's my boyfriend, but I call him my handsome man friend because I feel too old to have a boyfriend, too mature to have a boyfriend. But every time he sits down in a chair or something, he always sighs. Oh, like it's just his natural reaction, like a relaxation thing. And I literally had to say to myself, for like years, he's not upset about anything. He doesn't have a problem. He just sighed. Because to your point, I would be so tuned into that. I'd be like, What's the matter? Do you need something? Did you have a hard day? Do you not want to watch TV? Jumping all into it, and not only to your point, it makes it all about me, but also it's coddling an adult man who, if he did have a problem, would be like, I just had a rough day. I do not have to solve that. And I do not have to solve the problem of someone at the grocery store who can't find something.

Leah Marone 13:24

Yeah.

Practice, Protective Parts, And Boundaries

Michelle Gauthier 13:25

Okay. Once we understand sort of the steps to take to break away from this serial fixing, in your experience, how long does it take to get into the habit of not being like that? Is it usually pretty quick? Does it take some practice? What do you recommend to people?

Leah Marone 13:42

Oh, it takes a lot of practice, just like anything else. It's kind of like when you get in shape, right? You got to get your reps in. But the big thing is that the alarm bells with your protective parts are going to be very noisy at first. The pleaser with within you, the critic within you, the rescuer within you, they're going to perk right up because you're not following protocol. You're not doing what you normally do. Yeah. And so you're going to hear that feedback internally. And that's when some of the self-talk will happen of if you don't take this off your coworkers plate, they're probably not going to think that you like them anymore or that you're as passionate or that you are a leader. And so you'll hear some of these things because these perceptive parts are like, well, what's happening? So that's where you have to start setting these internal boundaries and having this talk with yourself and all of your parts. I'm experimenting with something. We're not all or nothing. I'm not losing my compassion. I'm not losing my availability in this respect. But what I'm doing is I'm experimenting with something. I'm trying to work on not taking ownership right out of the gate. And let's just collect some data and see how this goes. And once those protective parts of you start to realize, wow, you didn't actually destroy all of your relationships. And you actually do have more space. And you actually are able to be a little more present and actually be more authentically empathetic because you're not on zero all the time.

Michelle Gauthier 14:54

Those protective parts start to calm down and trust you. I love how you said just think about it, not like all or nothing, but like I'm trying something out. Like I'm trying on a new coat. I'm gonna see how this fits. And then you start collecting evidence that, yeah, this does work. Yeah, I do feel better about this. I love that suggestion. Okay. What else would you recommend to people who are really feeling like they're picking up what you're putting down, so to speak? Is there anything else, any other steps you would recommend or things that you recommend that people do to try to unattach from this idea of being the fixer of everything?

Leah Marone 15:30

If you remember one thing, I think it's that support don't solve. Am I supporting or am I solving? And I think that's such a great way and kind of a reminder of what really is mine, what is my role here, and why am I jumping the gun or why am I trying to fix this immediately? Those are great questions and rounding questions and reflective questions to ask. And I love the analogy if you think about everyone having a tangled mess, tangled ball of yarn, and serial fixers have their arms wide open to catch everyone's tangled mess to try to unravel it for everyone, or they just grab it out of people's hands because this keeps them busy, keeps them structured, and they don't have to deal with their own tangled balls of yarn. Yeah. And so think about rather than like being that give me all your tangled mess, I'll fix it for you, I'll create all these microcodependencies in every walk of life. Everyone needs to keep ownership of their tangled balls of yarn. We all have them. Your job is to help people pull certain threads, but they keep the option, they keep the timeline. It probably won't be yours. They probably won't follow the exact steps that you think that they should. But that's where people gain their own self-trust. That's where people gain their own repetitions, and you're still there as that border.

Parenting Without Creating Dependence

Michelle Gauthier 16:38

I love that visual. That is so good. I feel like this is much more complex with kids than it is with other adults. I have an easier time being like that as a capable adult human who can take care of their own problems. And I feel like sometimes it's a fine line with kids. So it sounds like we both have two teenagers. What's your recommendation on what at what point is there a certain age? Is there certain situations where we should stop solving things for our kids? Like when a kid's three and they're like, I'm thirsty. Okay, here's your drink of water. Or maybe you give them the cup at that point. I don't know. But at what point or age would you recommend that we stop solving every problem for our kids?

Leah Marone 17:17

Oh gosh, I think as early as you can. Okay. Again, it's more of this discussion. It's this pause. It's sometimes instead of going into immediately, oh, let's problem solve this. It's sometimes asking, like, where is your water or what would you like to do about that? Or tell me more about you know what you're thinking. These pauses as a parent are golden at any age because what it does is it channels that back. The child has to teen child, whoever has to then think, I am feeling this. Okay, what would a next step be? Rather than again, just having this codependent kind of relationship where here I'm my tangled mess. Yeah. And then when we want to watch them, they're like, I really have no practice with this. And then as parents, we're like, oh God, what did it work?

Michelle Gauthier 17:59

Why can't we figure this out? Yes, as early as possible, just doing that validation and talking through some of the options with them. I love that thought. With my own kids, I feel like I had the opportunity to be a single mom and not be able actually to do everything and to not be there all the time. And sometimes I will see my kids solving their own problems and what I thought made me a bad mom. Now I'm like, okay, that is actually great. My daughter the other night was hungry and we had just gotten home from being somewhere. And I went to my room and I came out and she was making bacon and pancakes and all this stuff that she knows how to make because she's had the opportunity to do that for herself. And I was like, look at that. She didn't even present that problem with me. She just was hungry and she made herself something, and it felt so good.

Leah Marone 18:46

That's a wonderful example.

Michelle Gauthier 18:47

Especially of something that I thought was bad. If I would have stayed married, I think I would have tried to cater to my kids as much as possible. Like I wanted them for such a long time. It's so much better to just give them the tools. Okay. There are two questions that I ask every guest on the podcast. And the first one is what is a rule that you have for yourself that you made for yourself that you very rarely break?

Leah Marone 19:11

Rule that I have for myself that I very rarely break is to operate my day in bookends. And so my AM bookend is typically a workout, and my bookends are just something that I do for me. And so they could look different every day. But like that I have control of something that I do for me as my AM bookend, and then something at the end of the day. And these can be very small, like they don't have to be elaborate, like they could just be something where I'm not multitasking. But it's this confirmation of like, all right, I can control these two things. The middle might be a big old mess. But like I have these grounding things. And so I rarely stray from that.

Michelle Gauthier 19:45

I'm a morning worker outer too, but I don't do it every day of the week. And so sometimes in the mornings I feel a little, okay, now what do I do on the days that I don't work out? So I love the idea of having journaling be a bookend for me in the morning if it's not the workout. Okay. And then my second question is what is something that you love or are just into right now that has nothing to do with work or anything that we're talking about? Like, what's just lighting you on fire these days?

Leah Marone 20:10

I love houseplants and my children, my girls. Like it's so funny because I will I shop at Aldi sometimes and they'll have these great houseplants, and I'll come home and they'll be like, Oh my God, you bought another plant.

Michelle Gauthier 20:21

I'm gonna have to go to Aldi. For me, it's Trader Joe's. I always come home with Trader Joe's or flowers. It's just either one.

Leah Marone 20:28

It's amazing. And it's so funny because I always joke. I'm like, at least it's plants and it's not like some other thing that I'm collecting. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Michelle Gauthier 20:37

But it they make me so happy. Like the amount of happiness. Have you seen that meme that's once you get to a certain age, you have to decide if you're gonna be like a plant girl, a sourdough girl, or I forget what the third, oh, I think a weighted vest. I was like, that is so good. So I'm glad I went plants. I like my yes, and I'll talk to them and encourage them too when I'm watering them. I'm like, you're doing so good. I see you got a new little bud coming out, and my kids are like, oh my god, mom's lost her mind. Don't care though. That's the great thing. Don't care.

Where To Find Leah’s Book

Michelle Gauthier 21:12

So if people are interested in learning more about you and your work, obviously they can read your books.

Leah Marone 21:17

I love working with teams and corporations. So facilitating workshops or just keynotes on boundary setting of all kinds. And um, so yes, I'm very active in that space. And then yeah, my book, Serial Fixer, you can find it on my website, leahmarone.com. It's pretty much anywhere where you buy books online. You can find it. And yeah, if you do read it and it resonates, I'd love to hear from you. You're not alone. There's so many serial fixers running around, and I think it's just these little tweaks that we can do to feel like we're adding ourselves back into the equation.

Michelle Gauthier 21:46

Yes, and of course, we will add all of this to the show notes so people can get a link directly to your book and your website. But thank you so much for being with us today and teaching us such interesting and useful information.

Share The Episode And Wrap

Michelle Gauthier 22:00

Okay, friends, that's a wrap for today. If you know someone who is a serial fixer, forward them this episode. I think this was really enlightening and helpful and has some easy ways to make changes where you're not automatically taking on everyone else's problems. Have a great week. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com. See you next week.