#268| The Real Reason Saying No Feels Dangerous — and Why "Just Set a Boundary" Advice Hasn't Worked

Have you ever agreed to something before you even had a chance to think about whether you actually wanted to say yes?

If setting boundaries still feels uncomfortable no matter how much advice you've heard, you're not alone. In this episode, Michelle explains why your nervous system can interpret a simple request as a threat, causing you to default to people-pleasing before your logical brain has a chance to respond. You'll learn how to interrupt that automatic pattern so you can make decisions that protect your time, energy, and peace.

In this episode, you will:

•  Discover why your body reacts with panic before you consciously decide whether to say yes or no. 
•  Learn a simple mindset shift that calms your nervous system in the moment. 
•  Master one powerful phrase that gives you the space to make intentional decisions instead of reacting automatically. 

Press play to learn how to stop saying yes out of panic and start responding with confidence, calm, and intention.

Featured on the podcast
Ep #3: Master ANY Overwhelming Situation Using the Love and Fit Test

Wondering why you're overwhelmed? Take my "why am I overwhelmed" quiz to find out the source of your overwhelm, and what to do about it. 

Send Me a Message - Have a question, comment, or just want to say hi?  Message me here, I'd love to chat!  

Work With Me - Interested in working with me 1-on-1, taking a class, or joining one of my coaching groups? Message me here to get the scoop.   

Want More? - If you love the content of this podcast, you'll love our Simple Sunday newsletter too. When you sign up, you’ll receive a simple dose of inspiration, practical tips, and a little fun—designed to help you start your week with simplicity and intention. Sign up here 

Life can be overwhelming, but on this podcast, you'll discover practical strategies to overcome overwhelm, imposter syndrome, and negative self-talk, manage time effectively, set boundaries, and stay productive in high-stress jobs—all while learning how to say no and prioritize self-care on the Overwhelmed Worki...

Transcript

Why No Feels So Hard

Michelle Gauthier 0:00

When you listen today, you'll learn why you spin out every time you have to say no.

Michelle Gauthier 0:09

You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's Working Woman experiences. And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life. Hi, friend, thanks for joining

When Boundaries Still Feel Wrong

Michelle Gauthier 0:38

today. You've probably heard someone say, just set a boundary a hundred times, and maybe you've even tried it. But if saying no still feels like you're doing something wrong and you feel yourself spin out when you're in that moment where you're deciding to say yes or no, and you end up just defaulting to yes, this episode is for you. When you listen today, you'll learn what's actually happening in your body in the split second before you say yes, how to catch yourself in that moment before the yes comes out of your mouth, and the exact phrase to use instead. Plus a simple suggestion on how to know what to say next. Stick around because by the end of this podcast episode, you will know how to catch yourself before you say yes on autopilot.

The Slow Motion Yes Moment

Michelle Gauthier 1:23

Okay, let's first talk about what happens. So you know when you're watching a movie and there's the sequence where everything is happening in slow motion, that's how I want to think about this moment between someone asks you to do something and you say yes. Picture this, someone asks you for something. Maybe it's like, hey, can you watch my dog this weekend? Can you be in charge of this bake sale for school? Can you cover me while I'm on vacation? Remember, we're in super slow-mo mode. So the words are coming out of their mouth. And before you've even thought a single word in your mind, your body will start reacting. So maybe first your heart starts pounding and you can feel it. Do you know when your heart beats really fast, you can hear it in your ears and things start to get quiet? And this happens before you've even had a conscious thought about the request. Your body starts to think, oh no, we're in a dangerous situation. Then your nervous system fires, and all of a sudden your body is reacting and treating this ordinary request like, hey, can you watch my dog this weekend like it's a threat? And here's the part I really want you to sit with, which is that your body in that moment thinks it's an actual danger. Not danger like, okay, someone might be annoyed with me if I say no to this, but actual physical danger, even though obviously consciously you know that it's not, but your body can react in a way where you just immediately go into this panicked fight or flight type

Why Your Brain Sounds The Alarm

Michelle Gauthier 2:46

stage. Why does that happen? I think it's two things stacked on top of each other. One, we're wired for it, like for most of human history, being cast out of your tribe could mean that you didn't survive. And rejection used to be life-threatening. So this wires us to be people pleasers. And then, this is a big one for women especially. We've been socialized our whole lives to believe that to be agreeable is to be safe. Good girls don't disappoint people. Nice women don't cause problems. You have to put everyone else before yourself. So when you stack my brain thinks rejection is dangerous, with I've been taught that my worth depends on people liking me. No wonder your heart is pounding before you've even opened your mouth when someone asks something of you. Your body is doing exactly what it thinks it's supposed to do, getting you to say yes to fast as possible so that alarm in your head will stop going off. And that's why that just set a boundary advice hasn't worked for you. It's not that you don't know how to say the words or understand the concept. It's just that this alarm is going off in your body underneath it before you can even have the conscious thought to react and say, What do I actually want to say here? Do I want to say yes or do I say no? Here's the good news though. Once you know that alarm exists, when you were just hearing me describe in slow motion what is happening and picturing yourself being in that situation where your heart starts beating fast and you start getting nervous and you just automatically say yes, once you know

Name The Emergency Feeling

Michelle Gauthier 4:14

that exists, you can start to catch it in real time before the yes even comes out of your mouth. Being able to catch it isn't super complicated, but it does take some practice to simply notice, oh, okay, I'm in that spin right now. I'm in that spiral where my body thinks I'm actually in danger. If you've noticed that your body is going into that fight or flight danger response, and here's something that you can say right in that moment. You can say to yourself, my brain thinks this is an emergency and I'm in danger. But what's actually happening is my friend asked me if I could watch her dog this weekend. Something that I used to have to say all the time is my body is reacting like this is an emergency and it's really just a text message. Like I would get a text message and feel so panicked and like I had to immediately respond and get it off me in order to be safe. But when you remind yourself, oh, it's just a text message, and I can use my thinking brain to decide what I want to do with this message, it can really help you calm

Use This One Pause Phrase

Michelle Gauthier 5:10

down. So let's imagine that you noticed your heart was pounding. You've reminded yourself that this isn't an emergency, and then all you need to do is remember the one line, which is let me get back to you. You don't have to evaluate it in that moment and say yes or no. You buy the pause so that you can think about it and you can get back to them. Right now, it feels like everything in life is an emergency because we can get a hold of everyone so quickly. But remember, you don't owe anyone an answer in the moment if your nervous system is firing.

Decide Later With Love And Fit

Michelle Gauthier 5:38

Then once you're out of the moment, run it through the love and fit test. The love and fit test is a tool that I created for you to figure out if you want to say yes or no in a certain situation and how to communicate the no if that ends up being your answer. If you go to episode number three, way back to episode number three, you can get the full scoop on that tool as a next step. Okay, so in summary, just remember that sometimes when someone asks us to do something, our brain reacts as if we're in danger. If you can catch your physical feelings, remind yourself that it's not an emergency, and get the words out of your mouth, let me get back to you. You can buy yourself the time that you need to make the decision that you

Coaching Help And Next Steps

Michelle Gauthier 6:17

want. If this episode speaks to you and you find yourself in this pattern of freaking out in your mind and saying yes and not even realizing that you have said yes until the whole thing is over, and you'd like to break that pattern, I can absolutely help you. I'd love to help you break that habit and all of the habits that are causing your overwhelm right now. The first step is to set up a consultation with me to talk about one-on-one coaching. In my coaching program, I have worked with hundreds of women since 2018. I have an exact formula dialed in to figure out what is causing your overwhelm and to help you move out of it step by step using my proven system. If you feel like you're ready to change your life and start feeling calm instead of overwhelmed, set up a time with me. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.com. See you next week.