#269| Why Being A "Nice Girl" Is Actually Just People Pleasing & The Simple Strategy To Help You STOP Without Seeming Like A Jerk

Have you ever said "yes" just because you didn't want someone to be disappointed—even when you desperately wanted to say "no"?

Many working women believe being "nice" means putting everyone else's needs ahead of their own. But what if that habit isn't kindness at all? In this episode, Michelle unpacks the surprising connection between people-pleasing and control, explains why honesty is actually the kinder choice, and shares a simple mindset shift that helps you set boundaries without guilt.

By listening to this episode, you'll discover:

•  Why being "nice" and being kind are not the same thing—and how people-pleasing keeps you stuck. 
•  How to recognize everyday moments where you're sacrificing your own needs just to avoid disappointing others. 
•  A simple mantra you can use to tell the truth with confidence while staying compassionate and authentic. 

Press play to learn how honest kindness can help you break free from people-pleasing, create healthier boundaries, and feel calmer without sacrificing who you are.

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Transcript

Nice Girl Vs People-Pleasing

Michelle Gauthier 0:00

In this episode, you'll learn why being a nice girl is actually just people-pleasing.

Michelle Gauthier 0:09

You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences. And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life. And we were sitting in this adorable coffee shop near my house that is also a plant store. It's a dream. We were each talking about how we had created success in our business and just sharing that with each other. One of the things that I said is that I had learned to just not think about what other people were thinking about me. And my friend said, I believe that's true, but I don't understand how that's possible because you're such a nice person. Hearing her say that just made me realize and solidify in my mind, oh my gosh, this is what we have been taught. We have been taught that if you are a nice person, you essentially have to people please and always try to make everybody else happy and worry about what other people are thinking about you. So when you listen to this episode today, you're gonna learn why we've been taught that nice and people-pleasing are the same thing and why they're not. What separates the nice girl habit from real kindness and a simple mantra to use the next time you feel the pull to say yes when you mean no? That comes straight from my dad. I've given you guys some of my dad's advice before, and it's always excellent and directly to the point.

Why People-Pleasing Is Controlling

Michelle Gauthier 1:54

Okay, so let's first talk about being nice versus people pleasing. When my clients find me, they're usually people pleasers. In fact, I think most women I've ever met, unless they have specifically worked on it, are people pleasers. I think we're just grown this way. This is the way that we're socialized, at least here in the US where I grew up. Let's talk about what it generally means to be nice. Being nice is usually considered being agreeable and saying yes and keeping the peace, even if it's to the detriment of yourself. So if you're not doing that, then you just must not be nice anymore. And a lot of times when I work with my clients to stop people pleasing, what they'll say is, but I'm a nice person. And I just want to remind you that people pleasing isn't actually nice. What you're doing when you're people pleasing is you are trying to control how someone feels about you. And what I mean by that is you're trying to control their emotions, how they feel about you, manage their reaction, make sure they're not mad at you, write the narrative in your favor so that they think of you in a certain way, as helpful, as easygoing, as the one who always shows up. And that really isn't nice. In fact, I think that's more controlling. And when I realized that as a former people pleaser myself, I was like, oh my gosh, all this time I've been telling myself that I'm a nice person. And really what I'm doing is just trying to control the situation. But real kindness just lets go of that control. It doesn't need the other person to react in a certain way because you can still say no and care about someone, and you can disappoint someone and still be a kind person because true kindness is not about managing the other person's emotions. It's about being honest and being generous from a place that's actually true for you, not from a place of trying to engineer, control, manage how you're perceived. That's why it's possible to stop worrying about what people think about you, stop the reflective yes to everything, and still

A Simple Party Example

Michelle Gauthier 3:57

be kind. Let's look at a really simple example. Let's imagine that you have decided that you're going to drink less and you go to a party and the host is, oh, here our signature drink is the margarita. Do you want one? And there's a little voice going on in your head that says, Don't be difficult, just say yes. It's easier to be nice, and that's the moment to be nice, air quotes. That pull to people please just to keep things easy. But if you can catch yourself in the moment and just notice, oh, that's my old wiring, my old programming. The question really isn't how do I say yes so that I stay nice? It's actually what does being honest look like here? Because honest is what is actually kind. So in this example, maybe you realize I really don't want to have that drink right now. And you could just say that honestly, instead of telling them what you think they want to hear and taking something that you don't want to drink and feeling like that you then need to drink it just to protect their feelings or make them feel a certain way. Kindness says just tell them the truth respectfully, even if it's uncomfortable for a second, because the truth is true kindness. Oh no, thanks. I'm actually not drinking this summer, but I'll grab myself a water or whatever it is. And I know that is a small example, but that is an exact situation where sometimes it feels easier just to go along with what you think the other person wants you to do. By the way, we never know what anybody else is actually thinking. So this is all perception in your mind. So maybe it's the margarita, maybe it's maybe it's somebody asking you last minute if you can cover them for something. There are a million opportunities where you will have the chance to either try to be perceived as agreeable and easy and nice, or start thinking about what you actually want and saying that thing.

Tell The Truth Kindly

Michelle Gauthier 5:52

The easiest way to get started on this is to remember this mantra created by none other than Jock Gothier, my dad. He always has said to me, tell the truth, but tell it kindly. When I work with my clients on this, I will ask them as we're working through a situation, tell me the truth. Tell me what you actually really want to say, and have them practice just saying it to me. And this is a great practice because you don't have to choose between being honest and being kind. Honest said with care is the kind version, not the people-pleasing nice version where you're figuring out what you think the other person wants you to say. You're just telling your own truth and saying it directly and kindly.

Wrap-Up And Free Quiz

Michelle Gauthier 6:31

In summary, you don't have to choose between being nice and being honest. You can do those at the same time. The next time you feel that pull towards being nice, fake nice, where you're trying to figure out what the other person wants you to do. Go the route of being honest and kind. Tell the truth, but tell it kindly. If you're not sure where people pleasing is showing up in your own life, take my free overwhelm quiz. The link is in the show notes. It will show you what your number one overwhelm driver is and give you a next step to start feeling better right away. Have a great week. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com. See you next week.