Navigating the emotional undercurrent of the holiday season can feel like an overwhelming task, especially when you're dealing with the heartache of losing a loved one. Drawing from my own voyage through grief, I open up about how my holiday traditions have transformed since I lost my mother. From setting an extra place at our festive table to honoring her memory with Starbucks coffee, I'll share candidly about the range of emotions I grapple with during this time of year - and the unique ways I've found to keep her spirit alive.
Navigating the emotional undercurrent of the holiday season can feel like an overwhelming task, especially when you're dealing with the heartache of losing a loved one. Drawing from my own voyage through grief, I open up about how my holiday traditions have transformed since I lost my mother. From setting an extra place at our festive table to honoring her memory with Starbucks coffee, I'll share candidly about the range of emotions I grapple with during this time of year - and the unique ways I've found to keep her spirit alive.
*For speaking inquiries or for questions or comments on the podcast, contact Nickie at healandgrowwithnickiepodcast@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
Speaker 1:
Happy holidays. Happy holidays, let your memory move, move, move, move. Welcome to Heal, grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we talk about everything grief, hope, illness, work, family, tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to heal and grow together. I'm so glad you're here.
Speaker 1:
Hey, everyone, if you are still looking for a gift for someone who is a groovy griever this holiday season, might I suggest a book? Things I'm thinking about a daughter's thoughts on the loss of her mom, is a book by yours truly. It's really written for those who are struggling, who are at the beginning, middle of their grief process. Notice, I didn't say end, there's never an end to the grief process. But if you're looking for a gift for someone that you just you know they're struggling this holiday season because they've had some type of death recently, I recommend my book. You can get it on Amazon. I will link it in the show notes today and I'd really appreciate it if you made a purchase this holiday season.
Speaker 1:
So a few weeks ago I told you a story about how my dad had said to one of his hospice nurses that he would like to come over to our home for Thanksgiving, and when we brought it up to him he said no, no, I can't, because my catheter, my overflow and there was just a lot of legitimate worry there. He said no and then he said yes. So I'm so happy to tell you that Philly, phil Kriminghe, came over for our Thanksgiving meal and it was so wonderful to have him in our home. He wasn't here all that long, just long enough to eat dinner, and then we took him right back to his long term care facility. But it was just such a joy to have him here for Thanksgiving and he's going to come back for the Christmas holiday or maybe for New Year's we don't know yet. But it was such a successful trip that he is coming back and it just made my little heart so, so happy, because I just really didn't think that he was ever going to come back to our house. I didn't think he would ever leave the long term care facility again. In fact, when he came over for Thanksgiving, that was the first time that he'd even gone outside since he was admitted in February, so it just was really wonderful to have him.
Speaker 1:
Today I want to talk about the holidays and how the holidays are challenging, I think for most people. We just don't discuss it. We just don't want to talk about it because we don't want to ruin anyone else's experience and we feel like the holidays are supposed to be this festive, joyous time, and you know they really can be, but they can also really suck. Like there's room for both. The holidays can be wonderful and yucky at the same time.
Speaker 1:
Growing up, for me, christmas was always the best, just the best. My mom made it so, so much fun for me as a kid and even as a young adult heck, even as a grown adult. A grown adult mom made Christmas just really, really fun. And so when she died there was obviously just a hole in my heart because she was gone, but just like an extra big hole during the holiday season and the first couple of years after she passed. This will now be, I think, the eighth Christmas that she's been gone.
Speaker 1:
The first couple of years I just didn't. I didn't really want to do anything. It was actually a couple things. I didn't want to do anything and I overcompensated for the fact that my mom was gone and was like this is going to be the best holiday season ever, which of course it wasn't, because I was really really deep into grief those first couple of years that she was gone. It's a little bit better now because Paul and I have found our own things to do and we spend the Christmas holiday with his family, which is always just lovely, but it's still just a hard time because I'm thinking of the person and the people that are gone now that made the holiday so much fun.
Speaker 1:
The other day I was at Target, one of the places where I love to be, since there are now, as you know, probably Starbucks in every Target or most Target, which also is just a brilliant idea Whoever figured that out, thank you and I went to Starbucks to grab a coffee, and getting coffee was something my mom and I always did together. So every once in a while, when I'm really feeling kind of icky, when I go to Starbucks and they ask me what name to put on the cup, I don't put my own name. I asked them to put Susan, which was my mom's name. I asked them to put Susan on my cup, and then I feel like I'm having coffee with my mom, which sounds a little silly, but I fully embrace it. They call her name Susan and I just go up and I pretend like I'm Susan and then I full on have coffee with my mom, meaning either I'm having a conversation with her in my brain or out loud just talking about the things that she and I would talk about if we were having coffee.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes I get strange looks from people, which is fine. They're probably like why is that lady talking to herself? I'm not talking to myself, I'm actually talking to my mom. So is that target? I didn't really have anything I needed to buy, which, as you know, is the most dangerous time to go to Target. I'm just walking around pushing my cart, having coffee with my mom, and I decide, ooh, let's go, let's go look at all the Christmas stuff.
Speaker 1:
I always like to see what the ornaments are for the year and I love to look at all the trees all lit up. And so I out loud said mom, let's go look at the Christmas stuff. So we go to Christmas and I'm showing her all the ornaments and I just I burst into tears. I burst into tears in the middle of Target. I wish I could say that was the first time that's happened, but I have cried many a time in Target and I just was missing her so much. I just thought, gosh, I'm happy that I'm here having coffee with her and talking with her, but, man, I would just give anything if she was actually here with me and I pulled myself together. It was a bittersweet moment to have sort of created this moment with her, even though she wasn't really there. I'm happy I did that, but then it just got really hard because I still miss her so much.
Speaker 1:
And at this time of year I'm always thinking about the people who are feeling lost. Maybe they've lost a person or a pet. Maybe you're estranged from your family and the holidays are just something to get through, like let's just hurry up and get through this and get back to quote unquote normal living where I don't have to pretend to be merry and I could just do business as usual. It's also a hard time of year if you're expected to purchase gifts and give them away and if you don't have the funds to do that. That's really, really challenging. The holidays can be so joyous but so painful too. I have a list of things that I do now since mom died that I really rely on I really use to cope during the holiday season that I wanna share with you right now, in case you are someone who's looking, looking for ways to cope or looking for ways to honor the people the friends, the family members, the pets that have gone before us.
Speaker 1:
One thing that I get to do that a lot of people don't get to do during the holiday season and I realize that is I sing in a holiday acapella group called Chick Cheer. We've been together for gosh I think this is our 14th season and it's just so, so fun for me to sing with my girlfriends, and because we've been singing for such a long time together, our gigs are fun and not stressful. I love singing. Singing is sort of a spiritual fellowship for me, and so to sing with this group of girls every holiday season is just such a treat and a joy, and it gives me something to look forward to during the holiday season.
Speaker 1:
I always save a spot at the table for my mom during holiday meals. Right after she passed, I went to a sort of celebration of life for people that had donated tissues or organs, and at this particular celebration they gave all of us a heart-shaped rock, and every holiday season I put it out and I put it where mom would sit. I also have a candle that I light, and so I'm just honoring and saving space for her at the meal. I don't really address it, I don't say, oh, I've saved a spot for mom. It's just something that Paul knows that I do and dad knows that I do, and when dad passes I'll do the same thing, because it just it feels nice to still have them at the table for our meals.
Speaker 1:
Paul and I have started to do minimal decorating during the holiday season. I still really like to decorate, but it was really overwhelming those first couple of years after mom had passed, because the majority of my Christmas ornaments are from her. I suppose now, eight years later, I could dig it back out again, but it was just really painful to decorate the tree that year or those couple of years with all of the ornaments that she had gifted us, and so I decided to just not do it, and it made the holiday season just better because I wasn't crying all of the time, and one of the things that Paul and I have started doing is we don't put up our large artificial tree any longer. To be completely transparent, that tree was a gift from my mom to me and an ex-boyfriend, so we actually got rid of our big tree and instead every year we buy a small tree. Really, what we buy is an outdoor potted decoration that people have on their front stoopes. We buy one of those, so it's real, and then we wrap like one string of lights around it. We put this star on our tree that my mom made a long time ago. It's actually made out of grocery bags. We put that on there. We stick one ornament on that reminds us of our dog trooper that we lost a few years ago, and then we put this other ornament on that is an egg, a piece of bacon and an egg, because that is a gift that we got for our wedding, and that's it. That's all we do for a tree, and it's so easy and it's so lovely. And then when the holidays are over, we just stick it outside and put it on the stoop and have some decoration there, and it saves us a ton of time, it saves us a big ol' headache and it saves a little bit of grief Not that you can save grief, but it's really nice and I'm really happy with that new tradition.
Speaker 1:
I always go shopping with my mom, just like I told you about with Target the other day. But one of the things my mom and I used to do and it is a it's a tradition I really miss, so I try to incorporate it somehow every year is my mom and I used to dress up in our Santa hats. Now, this was a while ago now, you. You see people wearing holiday themed gear all the time, but 15, 20 years ago no one was doing this. So the fact that she and I had Santa hats was kind of unusual. Not very many people did. We put on our Santa hats and we would go to the mall, either Southdale or the Mall of America or Somewhere around where we live. We go down Christmas Eve day Now by this time we had already done all of our shopping, so we would go and we would Grab a coffee and we would just sit on the bench and we would just talk and we would people watch and it was so fun for us. And Paul and I have done it once since mom passed, but I try to do it every year, not on Christmas Eve any longer, but Just maybe by myself. I put on my Santa hat, I grab a coffee, I sit on a bench and I talk to my mom and I you know we, we watch all the shoppers and we talk and it's just lovely.
Speaker 1:
My in-laws have us over every Christmas day and it is so fun. And One of the reasons why it is so fun is because it is super, super-duper casual. It always has been. I've I always, I've always loved it. In fact, the first time I went there for Christmas I thought, oh gosh, I Could do Christmas like this for the rest of my life. This is before Paul and I were even engaged. So it's super casual. This year we're all gonna wear plaid, everyone's gonna wear a plaid shirt and and everyone brings an appetizer and we just graze and open up presents and throw all of the Christmas wrapping on the floor and then my mother-in-law makes soup and it's you know just a few hours and it's lovely. The whole family is there and I, I really, really appreciate it. There's no focus on us having a perfect Christmas. It's just us showing up and laughing and eating and opening gifts, and it's, it's just. It's just so, so wonderful to have it be so casual. And Then another.
Speaker 1:
Another coping mechanism is that I allow the breakdown to happen. I Breakdown to a certain extent every year and I let it happen. I don't try to push it away, except maybe when I'm at Target and I'm in public. But I just allow it to happen Because, as happy as I am to sing with chick-to-hip and to spend time with Paul's family and to See friends and go to parties and eat delicious food and pick out presents, it's just a sad time too. It's both of those things it's wonderful and sad, and so I just allow myself to break down. I Allow myself to step away at Christmas just for a few minutes, in case I need it. I don't apologize for it, I don't tell people where I'm going. I just slip away and allow myself to feel how I'm gonna feel, instead of pretending that I feel great all the time, because I just don't.
Speaker 1:
Now I realized that there are some people out there that just love, love, love everything about the holidays, and in fact, I would dare to say that I was one of those people before my mom passed. I had heard stories about how people didn't like the holidays and I just couldn't relate. And then, you know, when mom died, I was like, oh, I get it. And so let's say that you are one of those people that just loves it. Well, first go on loving it.
Speaker 1:
Please, please, please, do not dull your sparkle, because some of us struggle, but there are some things that you can do for your friends and family members and loved ones who are having a hard time. You can validate their experience right. So if I come up to you and say, oh man, I'm just having a hard time right, this second, I'll be okay in a few minutes, but right now I'm having a hard time, something that you could say to me or someone like me is do you want to talk about that? Or yeah, the holidays can be really difficult sometimes. Is there a way that I can help you? Here's something I'd love for you to not do. Please don't say look on the bright side. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Let's eliminate that altogether from our vocabularies. And please don't say something like well, at least you have another great family to celebrate with. Let's take at least out of our vernacular as well. Just allow the person to feel how they're going to feel, because if you don't allow that, they're going to become resentful and grumpy. But if you just allow them the time that they need, they're going to come out of it. I don't know exactly when, but they're going to come out of it and they're going to be able to say Merry Christmas, I love you, happy holidays, good to see you. But you have to allow people the space to feel their feelings.
Speaker 1:
Another thing that you could do is don't regardless of someone's grieving or not don't make people do stuff they don't want to do. Do not make them go to church if they don't want to go to church this holiday season or ever. Really Don't make them go to that Christmas concert. Make them bring a dozen cookies to the church the cookie trade-off, what's that thing called? What do they call any big cookies? And then you trade them. It's not called the cookie trade-off. I know several of you are like it's called this, it's called this, but I don't remember, so I'm gonna keep going. But like, don't make them Bring the cheese ball if they don't want to bring the cheese ball. Like, just let people be, let people celebrate the way that they want to.
Speaker 1:
And then, another thing that you can do within your family is Within your relationships. It's just schedule break time. You know, there's just so much happening this time of year. Schedule break time or say no, we're not going to that party because we just went to another party. You don't have to say yes to every invitation that you're given. Politely decline. Just schedule time for rest and relaxation. Relaxation not every single moment needs to be scheduled out ever, let alone during the holidays. And with all that being said, I truly hope that you're having an enjoyable holiday season.
Speaker 1:
However, it is that you celebrate. If you want to stay in your pajamas for the next two weeks, hey, you've got permission from me, not that you need it. If you want to change the menu this year, go ahead and change it. Just because you always serve mashed potatoes doesn't mean that you have to this year. If you need to say, hey, we can't, we can't buy gifts for everyone this year, go ahead and do that. Paul and I are not buying each other gifts this year because we just spent a ton of money on a new bed, and I love giving gifts. I love receiving them too. But we just realized this is just not smart for us to go and buy each other Gifts this year when we just bought this, this bed. So we're not gonna do it. Our plan is to plan a date for one another. You know so we're not exchanging gifts and that's okay. You know you can celebrate however you want to and I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope to your friend, dear listener, that you are doing okay, that you are maybe even doing well, and please make time this year to grieve whatever it is that you need to grieve.
Speaker 1:
If you are enjoying my work, you could buy me a coffee if you'd like to this holiday season I'll leave the link in the show notes. Or you could purchase my book for someone who you think could really Use it this holiday season. And, as always, thank you for healing and growing with me this week. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.