29. Happy Holidays?

Navigating the emotional undercurrent of the holiday season can feel like an overwhelming task, especially when you're dealing with the heartache of losing a loved one. Drawing from my own voyage through grief, I open up about how my holiday traditions have transformed since I lost my mother. From setting an extra place at our festive table to honoring her memory with Starbucks coffee, I'll share candidly about the range of emotions I grapple with during this time of year - and the unique ways I've found to keep her spirit alive.

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Transcript

Coping With Grief During the Holidays

Speaker 1 0:00

Happy holidays . Happy holidays , let your memory move , move , move , move . Welcome to Heal , grow with Nikki . I'm your host , nikki Kraminga Hill . Here we talk about everything grief , hope , illness , work , family , tragedy , possibilities , fun stuff and not so fun stuff . It's all on the table . Let's take a look at our lives and work to heal and grow together . I'm so glad you're here .

Speaker 1 0:46

Hey , everyone , if you are still looking for a gift for someone who is a groovy griever this holiday season , might I suggest a book ? Things I'm thinking about a daughter's thoughts on the loss of her mom , is a book by yours truly . It's really written for those who are struggling , who are at the beginning , middle of their grief process . Notice , I didn't say end , there's never an end to the grief process . But if you're looking for a gift for someone that you just you know they're struggling this holiday season because they've had some type of death recently , I recommend my book . You can get it on Amazon . I will link it in the show notes today and I'd really appreciate it if you made a purchase this holiday season .

Speaker 1 1:33

So a few weeks ago I told you a story about how my dad had said to one of his hospice nurses that he would like to come over to our home for Thanksgiving , and when we brought it up to him he said no , no , I can't , because my catheter , my overflow and there was just a lot of legitimate worry there . He said no and then he said yes . So I'm so happy to tell you that Philly , phil Kriminghe , came over for our Thanksgiving meal and it was so wonderful to have him in our home . He wasn't here all that long , just long enough to eat dinner , and then we took him right back to his long term care facility . But it was just such a joy to have him here for Thanksgiving and he's going to come back for the Christmas holiday or maybe for New Year's we don't know yet . But it was such a successful trip that he is coming back and it just made my little heart so , so happy , because I just really didn't think that he was ever going to come back to our house . I didn't think he would ever leave the long term care facility again . In fact , when he came over for Thanksgiving , that was the first time that he'd even gone outside since he was admitted in February , so it just was really wonderful to have him .

Speaker 1 3:09

Today I want to talk about the holidays and how the holidays are challenging , I think for most people . We just don't discuss it . We just don't want to talk about it because we don't want to ruin anyone else's experience and we feel like the holidays are supposed to be this festive , joyous time , and you know they really can be , but they can also really suck . Like there's room for both . The holidays can be wonderful and yucky at the same time .

Speaker 1 3:45

Growing up , for me , christmas was always the best , just the best . My mom made it so , so much fun for me as a kid and even as a young adult heck , even as a grown adult . A grown adult mom made Christmas just really , really fun . And so when she died there was obviously just a hole in my heart because she was gone , but just like an extra big hole during the holiday season and the first couple of years after she passed . This will now be , I think , the eighth Christmas that she's been gone .

Speaker 1 4:24

The first couple of years I just didn't . I didn't really want to do anything . It was actually a couple things . I didn't want to do anything and I overcompensated for the fact that my mom was gone and was like this is going to be the best holiday season ever , which of course it wasn't , because I was really really deep into grief those first couple of years that she was gone . It's a little bit better now because Paul and I have found our own things to do and we spend the Christmas holiday with his family , which is always just lovely , but it's still just a hard time because I'm thinking of the person and the people that are gone now that made the holiday so much fun .

Speaker 1 5:18

The other day I was at Target , one of the places where I love to be , since there are now , as you know , probably Starbucks in every Target or most Target , which also is just a brilliant idea Whoever figured that out , thank you and I went to Starbucks to grab a coffee , and getting coffee was something my mom and I always did together . So every once in a while , when I'm really feeling kind of icky , when I go to Starbucks and they ask me what name to put on the cup , I don't put my own name . I asked them to put Susan , which was my mom's name . I asked them to put Susan on my cup , and then I feel like I'm having coffee with my mom , which sounds a little silly , but I fully embrace it . They call her name Susan and I just go up and I pretend like I'm Susan and then I full on have coffee with my mom , meaning either I'm having a conversation with her in my brain or out loud just talking about the things that she and I would talk about if we were having coffee .

Speaker 1 6:29

Sometimes I get strange looks from people , which is fine . They're probably like why is that lady talking to herself ? I'm not talking to myself , I'm actually talking to my mom . So is that target ? I didn't really have anything I needed to buy , which , as you know , is the most dangerous time to go to Target . I'm just walking around pushing my cart , having coffee with my mom , and I decide , ooh , let's go , let's go look at all the Christmas stuff .

Speaker 1 6:57

I always like to see what the ornaments are for the year and I love to look at all the trees all lit up . And so I out loud said mom , let's go look at the Christmas stuff . So we go to Christmas and I'm showing her all the ornaments and I just I burst into tears . I burst into tears in the middle of Target . I wish I could say that was the first time that's happened , but I have cried many a time in Target and I just was missing her so much . I just thought , gosh , I'm happy that I'm here having coffee with her and talking with her , but , man , I would just give anything if she was actually here with me and I pulled myself together . It was a bittersweet moment to have sort of created this moment with her , even though she wasn't really there . I'm happy I did that , but then it just got really hard because I still miss her so much .

Speaker 1 8:03

And at this time of year I'm always thinking about the people who are feeling lost . Maybe they've lost a person or a pet . Maybe you're estranged from your family and the holidays are just something to get through , like let's just hurry up and get through this and get back to quote unquote normal living where I don't have to pretend to be merry and I could just do business as usual . It's also a hard time of year if you're expected to purchase gifts and give them away and if you don't have the funds to do that . That's really , really challenging . The holidays can be so joyous but so painful too . I have a list of things that I do now since mom died that I really rely on I really use to cope during the holiday season that I wanna share with you right now , in case you are someone who's looking , looking for ways to cope or looking for ways to honor the people the friends , the family members , the pets that have gone before us .

Speaker 1 9:34

One thing that I get to do that a lot of people don't get to do during the holiday season and I realize that is I sing in a holiday acapella group called Chick Cheer . We've been together for gosh I think this is our 14th season and it's just so , so fun for me to sing with my girlfriends , and because we've been singing for such a long time together , our gigs are fun and not stressful . I love singing . Singing is sort of a spiritual fellowship for me , and so to sing with this group of girls every holiday season is just such a treat and a joy , and it gives me something to look forward to during the holiday season .

Coping With Grief During the Holidays

Speaker 1 10:22

I always save a spot at the table for my mom during holiday meals . Right after she passed , I went to a sort of celebration of life for people that had donated tissues or organs , and at this particular celebration they gave all of us a heart-shaped rock , and every holiday season I put it out and I put it where mom would sit . I also have a candle that I light , and so I'm just honoring and saving space for her at the meal . I don't really address it , I don't say , oh , I've saved a spot for mom . It's just something that Paul knows that I do and dad knows that I do , and when dad passes I'll do the same thing , because it just it feels nice to still have them at the table for our meals .

Speaker 1 11:34

Paul and I have started to do minimal decorating during the holiday season . I still really like to decorate , but it was really overwhelming those first couple of years after mom had passed , because the majority of my Christmas ornaments are from her . I suppose now , eight years later , I could dig it back out again , but it was just really painful to decorate the tree that year or those couple of years with all of the ornaments that she had gifted us , and so I decided to just not do it , and it made the holiday season just better because I wasn't crying all of the time , and one of the things that Paul and I have started doing is we don't put up our large artificial tree any longer . To be completely transparent , that tree was a gift from my mom to me and an ex-boyfriend , so we actually got rid of our big tree and instead every year we buy a small tree . Really , what we buy is an outdoor potted decoration that people have on their front stoopes . We buy one of those , so it's real , and then we wrap like one string of lights around it . We put this star on our tree that my mom made a long time ago . It's actually made out of grocery bags . We put that on there . We stick one ornament on that reminds us of our dog trooper that we lost a few years ago , and then we put this other ornament on that is an egg , a piece of bacon and an egg , because that is a gift that we got for our wedding , and that's it . That's all we do for a tree , and it's so easy and it's so lovely . And then when the holidays are over , we just stick it outside and put it on the stoop and have some decoration there , and it saves us a ton of time , it saves us a big ol' headache and it saves a little bit of grief Not that you can save grief , but it's really nice and I'm really happy with that new tradition .

Speaker 1 13:51

I always go shopping with my mom , just like I told you about with Target the other day . But one of the things my mom and I used to do and it is a it's a tradition I really miss , so I try to incorporate it somehow every year is my mom and I used to dress up in our Santa hats . Now , this was a while ago now , you . You see people wearing holiday themed gear all the time , but 15 , 20 years ago no one was doing this . So the fact that she and I had Santa hats was kind of unusual . Not very many people did . We put on our Santa hats and we would go to the mall , either Southdale or the Mall of America or Somewhere around where we live . We go down Christmas Eve day Now by this time we had already done all of our shopping , so we would go and we would Grab a coffee and we would just sit on the bench and we would just talk and we would people watch and it was so fun for us . And Paul and I have done it once since mom passed , but I try to do it every year , not on Christmas Eve any longer , but Just maybe by myself . I put on my Santa hat , I grab a coffee , I sit on a bench and I talk to my mom and I you know we , we watch all the shoppers and we talk and it's just lovely .

Speaker 1 15:24

My in-laws have us over every Christmas day and it is so fun . And One of the reasons why it is so fun is because it is super , super-duper casual . It always has been . I've I always , I've always loved it . In fact , the first time I went there for Christmas I thought , oh gosh , I Could do Christmas like this for the rest of my life . This is before Paul and I were even engaged . So it's super casual . This year we're all gonna wear plaid , everyone's gonna wear a plaid shirt and and everyone brings an appetizer and we just graze and open up presents and throw all of the Christmas wrapping on the floor and then my mother-in-law makes soup and it's you know just a few hours and it's lovely . The whole family is there and I , I really , really appreciate it . There's no focus on us having a perfect Christmas . It's just us showing up and laughing and eating and opening gifts , and it's , it's just . It's just so , so wonderful to have it be so casual . And Then another .

Speaker 1 16:45

Another coping mechanism is that I allow the breakdown to happen . I Breakdown to a certain extent every year and I let it happen . I don't try to push it away , except maybe when I'm at Target and I'm in public . But I just allow it to happen Because , as happy as I am to sing with chick-to-hip and to spend time with Paul's family and to See friends and go to parties and eat delicious food and pick out presents , it's just a sad time too . It's both of those things it's wonderful and sad , and so I just allow myself to break down . I Allow myself to step away at Christmas just for a few minutes , in case I need it . I don't apologize for it , I don't tell people where I'm going . I just slip away and allow myself to feel how I'm gonna feel , instead of pretending that I feel great all the time , because I just don't .

Speaker 1 17:52

Now I realized that there are some people out there that just love , love , love everything about the holidays , and in fact , I would dare to say that I was one of those people before my mom passed . I had heard stories about how people didn't like the holidays and I just couldn't relate . And then , you know , when mom died , I was like , oh , I get it . And so let's say that you are one of those people that just loves it . Well , first go on loving it .

Speaker 1 18:28

Please , please , please , do not dull your sparkle , because some of us struggle , but there are some things that you can do for your friends and family members and loved ones who are having a hard time . You can validate their experience right . So if I come up to you and say , oh man , I'm just having a hard time right , this second , I'll be okay in a few minutes , but right now I'm having a hard time , something that you could say to me or someone like me is do you want to talk about that ? Or yeah , the holidays can be really difficult sometimes . Is there a way that I can help you ? Here's something I'd love for you to not do . Please don't say look on the bright side . Nope , nope , nope , nope , nope . Let's eliminate that altogether from our vocabularies . And please don't say something like well , at least you have another great family to celebrate with . Let's take at least out of our vernacular as well . Just allow the person to feel how they're going to feel , because if you don't allow that , they're going to become resentful and grumpy . But if you just allow them the time that they need , they're going to come out of it . I don't know exactly when , but they're going to come out of it and they're going to be able to say Merry Christmas , I love you , happy holidays , good to see you . But you have to allow people the space to feel their feelings .

Speaker 1 20:12

Another thing that you could do is don't regardless of someone's grieving or not don't make people do stuff they don't want to do . Do not make them go to church if they don't want to go to church this holiday season or ever . Really Don't make them go to that Christmas concert . Make them bring a dozen cookies to the church the cookie trade-off , what's that thing called ? What do they call any big cookies ? And then you trade them . It's not called the cookie trade-off . I know several of you are like it's called this , it's called this , but I don't remember , so I'm gonna keep going . But like , don't make them Bring the cheese ball if they don't want to bring the cheese ball . Like , just let people be , let people celebrate the way that they want to .

Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday Season

Speaker 1 20:59

And then , another thing that you can do within your family is Within your relationships . It's just schedule break time . You know , there's just so much happening this time of year . Schedule break time or say no , we're not going to that party because we just went to another party . You don't have to say yes to every invitation that you're given . Politely decline . Just schedule time for rest and relaxation . Relaxation not every single moment needs to be scheduled out ever , let alone during the holidays . And with all that being said , I truly hope that you're having an enjoyable holiday season .

Speaker 1 21:46

However , it is that you celebrate . If you want to stay in your pajamas for the next two weeks , hey , you've got permission from me , not that you need it . If you want to change the menu this year , go ahead and change it . Just because you always serve mashed potatoes doesn't mean that you have to this year . If you need to say , hey , we can't , we can't buy gifts for everyone this year , go ahead and do that . Paul and I are not buying each other gifts this year because we just spent a ton of money on a new bed , and I love giving gifts . I love receiving them too . But we just realized this is just not smart for us to go and buy each other Gifts this year when we just bought this , this bed . So we're not gonna do it . Our plan is to plan a date for one another . You know so we're not exchanging gifts and that's okay . You know you can celebrate however you want to and I hope , I hope , I hope , I hope to your friend , dear listener , that you are doing okay , that you are maybe even doing well , and please make time this year to grieve whatever it is that you need to grieve .

Speaker 1 23:08

If you are enjoying my work , you could buy me a coffee if you'd like to this holiday season I'll leave the link in the show notes . Or you could purchase my book for someone who you think could really Use it this holiday season . And , as always , thank you for healing and growing with me this week . This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal , health or professional advice . I am not responsible for any losses , damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast . This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice .