Heal & Grow with Nickie
Join your host, Nickie Kromminga Hill, and her guests on a journey of personal stories and insights into healing and growth from past and current trauma. The focus is on fostering true connections through conversations centered around vulnerability and authenticity. The goal is to collectively heal and find opportunities for growth, promoting a sense of togetherness.
Heal & Grow with Nickie
56. You Get What You Need
Nickie shares three significant personal updates while reflecting on the painful impact of the recent Minneapolis school shooting and the challenge of maintaining hope during difficult times.
• Discovering her father has no recollection of checking and signing her homework daily – a practice she's held onto for 40 years
• Learning to let go of narratives we create and grudges we hold that no longer serve us
• Not being selected for the Minnesota Timberwolves senior dance team despite a positive audition experience
• Finding out her disability application from November was never filed due to administrative error
• The financial impact of limiting income while waiting for disability determination that never happened
• Seeking flexible, part-time work while continuing creative pursuits in choreography, podcasting, and painting
• Finding ways to maintain hope and connection even when taking life one moment at a time
If you're hurting, please reach out to someone. We don't have to be alone in this scariness, but we have to be brave enough to speak up and say we need help.
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Hey everybody, before I start today's episode, I just I feel like I need to acknowledge the school shooting in Minneapolis this week. I don't really know what to say about it other than it's awful. It's awful and if you live in the Twin Cities area, like I do, you know how awful it is and how awful it's been this week. It's just been really hard. It's been really hard. I actually felt completely paralyzed. The shooting happened on Wednesday and the rest of that day and all of Thursday I just I couldn't do anything. I literally was just like. I felt like I was just pinned down and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move and I couldn't do anything. It's all just really, really bad and it's just a challenging time to be hopeful about anything right now. So if you're feeling awful about the shootings or anything, anything at all, if you feel awful about anything at all, just know, I feel that, I feel that and I hear you and I see you and I love you.
Speaker 1:Hello and welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga-Hill. Here we explore anything and everything that might support us on the journey to mental wellness, from hope to grief, possibilities to challenges, joy to heartache. Nothing is off limits. Let's reflect on our lives and discover ways to heal and grow together. I'm so glad you're here with me. Hey, friends, if you like my work and you'd like to support me, feel free to buy me a coffee. The link is in the show notes. Today Just a place. You can go and toss me a few bucks. I would love it, I'd appreciate it. Or you can buy my book. Or you can go and toss me a few bucks. I would love it, I'd appreciate it. Or you can buy my book, or you can share your favorite episode with a friend, or you can buy one of my paintings. There's so many ways to support me and I really appreciate you even considering it. And a huge shout out to Tina Mulder for buying me a coffee last week. Thank you, tina, I really appreciate you. Okay, today's episode is actually just a few follow-ups to previous episodes, and if you haven't listened to these previous episodes, that's okay, no problem, I'll get you on track. But I actually have enough follow-ups that I just decided to make a whole podcast episode about it. So the first thing I want to talk to you about today is a response, an update to episode number 53, which was called Breakthrough, and on that episode I talked a lot about my relationship with my dad, and one of the main things I talked about was how my dad sort of like demanded for lack of a better word required maybe that he sign off on all of my homework.
Speaker 1:When I was younger, when I was in grade school, he would go through my homework and he would make big old check marks if I got something wrong and he would make me fix it and then, once it was perfect, he would sign the bottom of it. And this was not at all required by my teachers ever, and because of that, I felt like I needed to be perfect all of the time and that I need to check in with people all the time. Be like are you okay? Is everything okay? Do you like me? I think it kind of messed me up, actually. So I asked my dad about it. I said hey, do you remember that you did this, that you signed my papers every night, or there? There was a? Um, there was a time in high school where I had to go to every one of my teachers every single day and see what my grade was.
Speaker 1:Uh, he doesn't remember any of this. He doesn't remember it at all. I said why? Why did you do? Why did you do this? He's like I have, I have no idea, I don't remember doing it. Um, the only the only insight he really had was that he was friends with many of my teachers because my dad was also a teacher for Minneapolis public schools, and so he said well, maybe I thought that I needed your stuff to be perfect because my friends were teaching you, or something like that. At any rate, it doesn't really matter, I guess, but this just like floored me, that he has no recollection of this, because it is obviously a core memory for me and I feel like it's kind of messed me up. And, yeah, he doesn't, he doesn't even he like had no idea what I was talking about. I've been holding onto this for 40 years and he doesn't remember. And and it's bizarre to me that he doesn't remember, but he doesn't, and that's okay and I don't I'm, you know, I'm not going to shame him for that Um, but it really made me think about how I let I I hold on to certain things, to certain experiences, to things that other people have said and done.
Speaker 1:I've been holding on to this for 40 years, like I said earlier, and what the hell, man, I got to let this go. I got to let it go Like, yeah, I need to work on that. I need to work on letting things go. I apparently am a person that holds grudges and I have allowed this situation to like fester in my body, mind and soul for 40 years. Yeah, I attached a narrative to it and it was false, and it makes me wonder how many other things I have that I'm still holding on to. There are some things I know that I have. I have a past relationship that I really need to work through because there are times where it still just like eats at my soul, and that relationship has been done for like 16 years, but I still hold on to some of that. So it's just a time of reflection of what else. What else is manifesting? What else is manifesting? What else is manifesting in my body and maybe not manifesting maybe that's not the right word but festering maybe Like what is bubbling there, what is bubbling there that needs to be released? Yeah, so that was just fascinating. So that is update number one. Here is update number two On my last episode episode number 54, I talked about auditioning for the Minnesota Timberwolves senior dance team, and what a just a great experience that that was for me, and I have the results.
Speaker 1:Drum roll, please. I didn't get it. I did not. I was not hired to be a part of the Minnesota Timberwolves senior dance team this year and that is a okay. They sent a very nice sort of like generic form letter, a thanks, but no thanks, which I appreciate. There's so many places that don't follow up with you if you, if you don't get the job. So I just really appreciated their very kind form letter that they sent to me and, um, yeah, depending on what my life is like a year from now, I would definitely audition again, even just for another great experience. Um, my friend who was on the team is is on the team again, and so that makes me super duper, duper happy because she's she's so amazing and she deserves it, and I was really hopeful, um that she would get back on the team and it turns out that they are actually making the team smaller this year, so I think it's going to be like 16 people. So they actually um recast, is that the right thing Rehired all but four people from the previous season, from this most recent season, and then they brought on just one new person. So, yeah, it's, it's tough to get on the Timberwolves senior dance team, but that is a-okay and I'm a little bit disappointed just because it just looks like such a fun thing. But I'm totally fine and it is what it is and I'll try again next time. Okay, here is my final update.
Speaker 1:Um, uh, if you go back to episode 49, I can't remember what it's called, I think it, but it was something about how I'd essentially been hiding it was called missing person. Episode 49 missing personing Person. It talked about a lot about my health issues. This is back in February and I also shared with you all that I filed for disability, which was a really, really difficult decision to make. Paul and I made it together and I don't know how much you know about filing for disability, but it's a thing. It's a big deal, it's a lot of paperwork, it's a lot of red tape. I knew that I would have to wait a really long time to find out anything and I also side note I have a disability lawyer, which is not actually required right now. You don't actually need a disability lawyer until your case goes to court. However, I knew someone who knew someone who knew a lawyer and they hooked me up and they just said that they could help me throughout the process of applying.
Speaker 1:So I apply in November and essentially don't hear anything at all ever from my lawyer or from the state or from the government. I don't really know who I'm supposed to hear from, but I don't hear from anyone and for a while it doesn't really bug me because I know that this process takes forever. But I was curious to see how far along in the process I was. I was thinking, oh, maybe I've been denied a few times already, which is good, because I know that I'm going to be denied a few times and I know that I'm going to eventually go to court. So I'm just waiting to figure out where I am in the timeline. So I email my lawyer in May. She doesn't get back to me.
Speaker 1:I email again the beginning of July and, uh, folks, folks, folks, folks, friends, my disability paperwork was never filed. My disability paperwork was never filed. It's a long story. I don't fully understand it myself, but I went through all of the communications that I had with this lawyer and I dated everything I said in this email. We said this in this email, you said this and you know what I mean. This email we said this and this email you said this and you know what I mean, essentially like stating my case, for lack of better words, and she just said something about. She blamed it on her assistant, who doesn't work there anymore, but there was a miscommunication with her assistant and me, except that I never talked to her assistant, so I don't really know what the miscommunication is, so, at any rate, it never was filed.
Speaker 1:I well, I have a lot of feelings about this. The first is that I was already starting to think that maybe I would withdraw my paperwork. Think that maybe I would withdraw my paperwork. I, like you, have been reading the news and see where all the social security is supposed to get cut and all that jazz. Snowball's here, everybody. Say hi to Snowball. Snowball say hi to everybody. Do you want to sniff them? Have a seat, beautiful girl, snowball is our dog and we adore her and I'll absolutely stop the episode just so that I can talk to her. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:So I was already sort of thinking about withdrawing my paperwork because I felt like this is going to take much longer than I'm even anticipating. I was expecting one to two years to wait and figure out. And then I just thought you know, this is getting sketchy. I don't even know there's going to be social security, maybe I should just withdraw. And I've been feeling better. I question mark that because when you've got chronic illnesses and when you've got disabilities, I don't know that you ever feel better, but you just learn to maintain. So maybe that's what I want to say. In my time since November since, um, what I thought it was when I thought I was submitting my paperwork I've been learning how to maintain and pace and it's been going well and I feel like I've sort of found my sweet spot. So maybe I don't need disability, was my thought process.
Speaker 1:So I got what I wanted, just not in the way that I wanted it, which is you know what's that saying Like, be careful what you wish for. Yeah, I also need to be more specific when I'm asking the universe for things. So so, yeah, I'm, I'm not. I'm not filed for disability. I will not be getting disability. However, even though it's kind of what I wanted, this whole thing has really really even though it's kind of what I wanted, this whole thing has really, really really pissed me off. I have not been in communication with my lawyer since. She said, since she blamed it on this other person and you know what's interesting, she hasn't been in touch with me either, which is really stupid. You know, you'd think she'd follow up or something, but no. So I will write something to her, you know it. It won't be very nice, but she'll get some feedback. Um, but just you guys, I mean, what a mess, what a mess.
Speaker 1:This whole time I've been purposely living under a certain amount of money. We have been this last year y'all, financially has been absolutely brutal for us. It's been brutal because I could only make a certain amount of money. So now I'm looking for work, if anybody knows of anything. I'm looking for very part-time, very flexible work because I'm still choreographing, I'm still podcasting, obviously, and I'm still painting and I don't want to stop those things, um, because I absolutely love them. So I'm looking for super flexible, part-time work, like I don't know, data, data entry, I have no idea, but I'm just throwing it out there that even if it's temporary work, I'll do it. I will be choreographing in Northern Iowa September through the middle of November, so I wouldn't be surprised if I get like some retail job just for the holidays to tide us over, because we are really hurting and we will be able to dig ourselves out of this hole for sure, like I absolutely trust us. It's happened once before, so we're going to be able to dig ourselves out of this hole, but right now it's really bad, and it's because of this whole disability thing. And now it turns out I didn't need to live under that income at all because my paperwork was never submitted.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that's sort of a weird episode, right, but I wanted to update you and tell you what's going on. Follow up on a couple of things. I guess I just want to finish this episode by just sending you love. I know that you know it's like oh, what's love going to do? I don't know, but I still believe in it, I still believe in hope and I still believe in love and I believe in you know good vibes, and so that's what I'm sending to you. I hope that you are okay.
Speaker 1:I'm not quite sure how anyone can be okay, right, this second, but if you are hurting, please make sure to reach out to someone. You can reach out to me, reach out to a friend, get to your therapist. We don't have to be alone in all of this scariness, and even when things are good. We don't have to be alone, but we have to be brave enough to speak up and say I need help. And I'm just speaking up and saying I need help, but I'm also here for you. If you need help, we can get through it.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I wonder why are we trying to get through it? That's not a way to live and it's not. But right now, that's where I'm at at is literally one moment at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time, and the sun is going to shine again and after that it's going to get dark again, because that's the circle of life. Is that the circle of life? I don't really know if it is. Anyway, just know that I care about you and I hope you're doing okay and I will see you soon. As always, thank you for healing and growing with me. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
