57. Grief, Grit, And Small Joys

Some stories feel too heavy to carry alone. This one begins with a father who fought through years of fragile health, rallied longer than anyone expected, and then left quickly—leaving behind gratitude for the extra time and a grief that still doesn’t fit inside a single day. I open up about how it actually feels when anticipatory grief doesn’t soften the blow, how the brain keeps expecting a casual dinner plan, and why saying “I’m fine” too soon only delays the real work.

From there, the year widens: my partner’s father dying without warning, both of our grandmothers passing within days, and three close friends losing their last living parent. On top of that, I faced a derailed disability application, quitting jobs to protect my health, and the sting of interviews that went nowhere. We talk plainly about administrative grief—forms, calls, logistics—and how it compounds emotional strain. We also explore anxiety after loss, the urge to control the uncontrollable, and what it takes to reestablish safety in an ordinary day.

Amid the wreckage, there are anchors: an excellent therapist, a hilarious dog who accidentally saves the mood, and the decision to stop people-pleasing and ask, “What do I need from me today?” We look at practical self-care that isn’t performative—sleep, walks, boundaries, creative outlets—and the messy truth about money and time when healing becomes the priority. Hope shows up in small, solid ways: a local art fair on the calendar, a quiet morning with coffee, the relief of telling the truth without polishing it first. If you’ve ever had a year that felt like too much, this conversation offers language, company, and a path that moves with grief rather than away from it.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Opening And Housekeeping
• 1:48 Dad’s Decline And Passing
• 4:15 Gratitude And Fresh Grief
• 5:22 A Brutal Year In Review
• 9:47 Disability Setback And Family Deaths
• 13:30 Work Losses And Searching For Meaning
• 16:20 Taking A Break To Survive

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Da da dun dun dun another one bites the dust da da dun dun dun another one bites the dust and another one gone and another one gone another one bites the dust Yeah Hey it's gonna get you too another one bites the dust I suppose that that song is completely inappropriate with what I'm about to talk about But man sometimes I just gotta laugh. Sometimes I just gotta laugh about it, otherwise it'd be a mess all the time. Hello and welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, Nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we explore anything and everything that might support us on the journey to mental wellness. From hope to grief, possibilities to challenges, joy to heartache, nothing is off limits. Let's reflect on our lives and discover ways to heal and grow together. I'm so glad you're here with me. Hello, hello, lovely humans. It's nice to be with you again. Before we get going on today's episode, I just want to give a shout out to Leslie for buying me a coffee and for Julianne for buying me some art supplies off of my Amazon wish list. Thank you so much, ladies. I really, really appreciate it. And if you, dear listener, would like to contribute, there's a whole bunch of links in the show notes. You can go down there, click around, and see where you might want to give. Thanks for considering. Okay, kids. Well, my dad died. My dad died a month ago today, actually. I'm recording this podcast on November 10th, and my dad passed on October 10th. And if you've been following this podcast at all or know me personally, you know that my dad has been in and out of poor health for two and a half years. He was on hospice for one year. He's been living in long-term care for two and a half years. So he has not been well. And we absolutely expected him to pass in February of 2023 when he was first admitted into long-term care. But he rallied and we got two and a half great years from him, and then he just quickly died. It was just so fast. He um well, he basically decided to stop eating. I'm not sure. I'm not sure why he made that decision, but um he did, and I couldn't get him to eat, and none of the staff could get him to eat, and Paul couldn't get him to eat. And that's when we knew things were really, really bad because my dad has always listened to me, and I'm very grateful for that. Ever since he was admitted into long-term care, he'll listen to me. He won't listen to a lot of other people, but he'll listen to me and he listened to Paul. So when we said we, you know, we need you to eat, dad, and he said no, we thought, okay, well, this is the end. And he just went really quickly, really quickly. And um many people have pointed out, and I agree with them, that um we were really lucky to have that extra time with him, and we know that, we know that, and we're incredibly grateful for it. And that time that we had, at least for at least for me, really healed a lot of issues with my dad. Issues my dad probably didn't know about, but having that extra time with him healed a lot of things in me, and so I'm so happy that we had that time. But right now, my heart is absolutely broken. And it really hasn't settled into my brain yet that he's gone. Before my dad was admitted to long-term care, he and I would go weeks or possibly even a month or two without talking. And so this just feels like, oh, you know, I'll just call him up tomorrow and see if he wants to go for dinner, or oh, I'll just I'll just stop by his place tomorrow on my way to go do so and so. And it's been it's just been really hard and and it ha it hasn't hit yet, both of those things at the same time. And it just sucks. It just sucks. Even though we had that time, it sucks. And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, but our whole year from like November of 2024 to November of 2025, our whole year's been really bad, really bad. And I don't like to sum up an entire year as bad, but this is a bad year. I think this is maybe the worst year that we've had together as a married couple, even worse than the year that my mom died, which is in 2016. And we have had some really incredible moments and and glimmers and love and fun, but overall it's just been a really shitty year. A year ago in November, the first thing that happened is I applied for disability, and that is a very difficult thing to do, to admit that that's something that you need, and then to fill out the paperwork, and it's just it's just difficult. And for me to get to a point that accepted that I needed the help was just really, really hard. And then as I mentioned a few episodes ago, that disability paperwork was never submitted, and that was a blow. That was a huge blow. And although I've ultimately decided that I'm not going to actually apply for disability, and I'm just gonna let it be what it is, it was a huge, huge blow. And there was a grieving process involved in that. Also, in November of 2024, Paul's dad, Archie, died unexpectedly. He just fell over and died. And that was on November 27th. And I still haven't really processed any of it because I have been I've been I've been concerned about Paul and not myself. Which is okay. That's what you do when you're a spouse. But because I've been so concerned about him, I haven't processed the death for myself. Paul and I also lost our dear grandmothers within one week of each other in June. Paul lost his grandma Helen, and I lost my grandma Claudie. I've already I've already spoken about that on my on an earlier episode. So then we lost our grandmas within ten like seven, ten days from each other. Um, three of my besties. When I say besties, I mean all all three of these people were in our wedding and stood up for us. Three of my besties lost their remaining parent. One in January, one in gosh, June, I think, and then my my very best friend Christine, who you have heard from previously, her dad died pretty unexpectedly and pretty quickly, one week after my dad died. And um man, it's just awful. It's just awful, and my heart hurts for all of those people. And especially Chris, because like me, she is an only child, and I know things that can get really messy during death and siblings. I know they can, and I'm really glad I don't have to deal with that. For sure I'm glad I don't have to deal with that. But it's really, really hard to do this as an only child, even though both Chris and I have incredible partners to help us out. It's it's incredibly difficult. I have had bad luck with with work, with employment this year. Um, there have been two jobs that I have quit. Um, and even though I feel guilt and shame around quitting those jobs, I 100% had to do that in the moment for my own health and sanity. So I feel awful about that, even though I had to take care of myself, and I still haven't figured out how to not feel awful about it. And I just had within the past month, three jobs in a row that I that I've applied for or auditioned for or interviewed for, three jobs in a row that I didn't get. And I'm I'm not someone who feels like the world is out to get me. Like I I feel like the universe has my back, says Gabby Bernstein. Um, so I'm not taking these losses personally, but I guess snowball is. Can you hear snowball screaming? Maybe I should pause recording for a second until she figures her shit out. Be right back. Hey everyone. If you enjoy my work and you would like to support me, there are so many ways in which to do so. You could purchase my book, Things I'm thinking about, a daughter's thoughts on the loss of her mom. It's on Amazon and also linked in the show notes here. You could buy me a coffee. Mmm, coffee, that's also linked in the show notes. Or spending money right now is not something that you're able to do. You could always share your favorite podcast. You could tag me in a post, you could follow me on Instagram or Facebook or LinkedIn, any of those things help me out quite a bit. Thank you so much for supporting me. Okay, I'm back. I think she got herself sorted out. You know, I will say our dog has been a saving grace this whole year. No, she's not the kind of dog that like senses your sadness and comes to snuggle with you because you're sad or anything like that. But she's just so freaking awesome and funny that she has she's saved us this year, I think. Anyway, I was just telling you that within the past month or six weeks, maybe, I've I haven't gotten three jobs that I've applied for. And I truly feel like, well, if I didn't get those jobs, then I'm not supposed to have those jobs. Um, and like I was saying before, I don't take it personally. So I don't know if it's like that saying. Um, I think it I think the saying is when God closes a door, he opens a window. I I'm begging for a window. I'm begging for a window right now because everything just feels impossible. It feels impossible. It's not impossible, but it feels like it. You know? All of the pain this year it just feels like too much, you know? It's just too much. And typically I would I would say something like, oh, but other people have too much too, so yeah, I'm just I'm I'm I'm gonna get away from that. I'm gonna get away from that comparative suffering. And although I know that it's true that other people have it worse than we do, it's it's too freaking much. And I need a break. And Paul needs a break. But you can't take a break and still make money at the same time. Except that I'm a hypocrite because I'm doing that right now. About 10 days after my dad died, I basically quit everything that I was doing. I was like, I'm not, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this job right now, I can't travel back and forth from here to there right now. I just have to take a break. And because we got some money from my dad, I am able to pay myself the remainder of the money that's owed to me from this gig that I quit. And I know that I'm super duper fortunate to be able to do that. And I need to find a job or real soon. I'm looking for a part-time job. So um, that's what's going on here. And I hope and pray that things lighten up soon. I know they will. I know they will. This isn't the first time that things have been really, really hard. It is the first time I've been in a situation where I feel like literally everyone I love is dead, which is obviously not true. But if my mom's dead and my dad's dead, I start to get very worried about Paul. You know, I have anxiety about him leaving the house. Um and I know that my thoughts there are irrational. And I know that the chances of something happening to him right now, him dying right now, are pretty slim. Knock on wood, where is wood? I need wood, that's fake, but whatever. I everything is so fresh in my brain right now that I think about it a lot. I think about it a lot. And I imagine that that's natural and that it's something that I just have to work through. Luckily, I have an excellent therapist who I've been seeing a lot more often than normal since dad died. But it's a really crappy headspace that I'm living in right now, and it is what it is, and I know better than to try to um switch it. Switch, switch my brain to, oh, everything's fine, because that's what I started to do as soon as when Archie died a year ago, and I haven't processed any of the bullshit that's happened this year, and I absolutely have to do that in order to move forward and to get unstuck and to do the things that I want to do. I have to process it. However, it needs to come out writing, painting, talking, singing. I when my mom died, I processed everything on Facebook and then I turned it into a book, and I just don't feel like doing that this time around. So right now I am taking the best care of myself that I can. Paul's doing a great job of taking care of me too. Um, and I've stopped trying to figure out what everybody else needs from me, and instead asked myself, well, what do I need from me? And what do I need from my surroundings? And so such a fun update, huh, everybody? Well, I just want to be real with you about what life is like, you know, if I'm gonna talk about healing and growing, then I have to talk about the miserable parts of it too, because I won't heal at all unless I talk about this stuff to you or to whomever. So this is me just sharing the poopy caca stuff, knowing that things will get better at some point, but right now they just aren't. Right now they're just yucky. Actually, here's a fun thing that's gonna be happening. I think it's gonna be fun. Um, Smorgus Park Arts has an art fair that they're participating in. It's gonna be on Saturday, December 20th, from 10 to 2 at Wagner's Greenhouse on Penn Avenue in South Minneapolis, and it's part of the Minneapolis Craft Makers, so there's gonna be a ton of vendors there. You could do your last-minute shopping with me or with some other people, and um yeah, I think that it should be fun. So that is a fun thing to be looking forward to. Okay, that's it for today, my friends. I hope you're doing okay, and as always, thanks for healing and going with me. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.