60. Baby Steps Are Still Steps

Grief can make you do the strangest thing: stop doing what you love, not because you don’t care, but because caring makes you vulnerable. This episode explains how Nickie stopped doing things she loved, and how she is now trying to chip away at the grief surrounding her father's death. 

If this episode resonates with you, please subscribe or share it with someone who’s grieving, and leave a review so more people can find the support they need.

Personal Instagram https://www.instagram.com/nickiekrommingahill

Smorgasboard Arts Instagram https://www.instagram.com/smorgasbordarts

Join our mailing list http://eepurl.com/g5hikj

Substack https://smorgasbordarts.substack.com/publish/posts/published

Nickie's book https://www.amazon.com/Things-Im-Thinking-About-daughters/dp/165731958X

Buy me a coffee https://buymeacoffee.com/nickiekh

Mic Drop Club https://micdropworkshop.com/club  use code twincities25 for discount

Pretty Great Merch Co.  https://www.redbubble.com/people/PrettyGreatMerc/shop?asc=u&ref=account-nav-dropdown

Painting Supplies List  https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/JF7B5OWWZD0R?ref_=wl_share

Bookshop https://bookshop.org/shop/NKH

nickiekrommingahill@gmail.com

Transcript

Vulnerability And Avoiding Grief

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I recently discovered that I was not allowing myself to do the things that I love to do because doing those things would cause me to be vulnerable. And if I become vulnerable, I will start thinking about my dad's death. And I don't want to think about that, but I have to. Here we explore anything and everything that might support us on the journey to mental wellness. From hope to grief, possibilities to challenges, joy to heartache. Nothing is off the map. Let's reflect on our lives and discover ways to heal and grow together. I'm so glad you're here with me.

What I Stopped Doing

SPEAKER_00 1:05

It's been a minute. My last episode was January 6th, and then I just completely stopped podcasting again. Uh today when I was prepping for this episode, I realized that this is the 60th episode. I mean, sure, it's been a couple of years and it's been on and off, but 60 episodes, that's pretty good. So hooray! And thank you to those of you that keep listening after all this time. I really, really appreciate you. I went away, not literally. I've been here the whole time, but I just I just don't want to think about my dad's death. I do not want to process it. I don't want it to be real. I I don't know that I would say that I'm in denial, but I'm definitely avoiding it. I'm definitely avoiding it because I just don't want it to be real. So my dad's birthday was June 2nd. It would have been his 81st birthday. It was his first birthday since he's been gone. And I finally had a little come to Jesus with myself, I suppose you could call it. But I was just thinking about my dad, and I made a realization and I wanted to share it with you. Maybe it'll be helpful for you. I'm not sure, but it will definitely be helpful for me to share it with you and to get it out into the world and out of my body so that I can start to do something about it. Since my dad died on October 10th, I have not painted. I have not read a book. I have not done any journaling or writing. I have avoided going places by myself. I haven't planned a service of remembrance for my dad. I haven't been on Time Hop. For those of you that don't know what Time Hop is, it's an app and it will show you, you know, pictures that you posted a year ago or even 10 years ago. And so I haven't got on Time Hop because I don't want to see all the pictures of food that my dad gave me. Um, or just pictures of him and I at all. I haven't done any podcasting really except for a couple quick episodes. I haven't driven down Lindell Avenue in Minneapolis between like 50th and 58th because my dad lived in uh one of those buildings there. I just I haven't done things that I like to do because I have I have not wanted to be vulnerable. And anytime I thought of him would pop up in my brain, I would just shove it down. Good, bad, I just shove it down. And so basically I've been doing the opposite of what I preach and teach to others, which is that being open and being vulnerable is what brings us to our personal truth, and our personal truth frees us to live an a happy,

Numbing Out With Work And Fear

SPEAKER_00 5:00

a happier, joyful life. I also got a job this winter that I've poured myself into, going above and beyond, taking on extra work so that I just have something to focus on, and so I don't have to feel anything. The plus to that is I've been promoted a couple of times. So yay. But just like the opposite of how I want to be in the world, and the opposite of what I want to teach in the world, and the opposite of when my mom died. My mom died uh gosh over 10 years ago now, and I processed her death by writing a freaking book, which by the way, you can buy. The link is in the show notes. It's called Things I'm Thinking About. A daughter's thoughts on her mom's death. Is that what it's called? I don't even know you guys, but click the link, make a purchase, support your local artist. Anyway, yeah. I just don't want to think, and I do not want to acknowledge that both of my parents are gone. The majority of people my age still have their parents. Some of them are have lost one, but not both. Just a handful of people that I know have lost one, let alone two.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And I don't want both of my parents to be gone. Um it feels very lonely.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

I'm surrounded by incredible people and friends and a husband who's wonderful, but I feel very much lonely and alone.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Um, and I don't want to talk about it because I'm gonna fall apart. But the thing is, is I know myself.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

I know that I have to fall apart if I want to make any progress towards healing. I have a fear that I've never had before, and that that fear is who's next?

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Who's next? Will it be my husband? Will it be my mother-in-law? Will it be our dog? Will it be my friends? And I hate thinking this way, and I know that thinking like this doesn't benefit me at all.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

But that's what I think about. When I leave home, I've had a couple of jobs that have taken me out of town even for just one night, you know? But when I leave, I cry. I cry when I leave. And to be fair, I probably cried a little bit before too, because I'm just a crier, but this time it's it's about what if I never see this person again? Whereas before it was, I'm really gonna miss being around you. So I'm very much afraid of losing more, losing more people, losing more work, uh, losing more identity.

Therapy And Moving Forward

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Uh, believe it or not, I am going to therapy. I actually uh have two therapists right now. I have my regular therapist that I've been seeing for a few years. I see her once every other week. And I also have a bereavement therapist, which is someone that just specializes in grief and death. And my bereavement therapist is through Grace Hospice. Shout out to Grace Hospice, they were pretty wonderful with my dad. And a part of my dad being a client, for lack of a better word, in at Grace Hospice is that the bereaved get 18 months of free therapy. So I'm really lucky that I have another therapist. And I've had a lot of suggestions from them about ways to start healing, and I just have been sort of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Because I do know, I do know that I need to heal. And and I also want to be very clear and say when when something is gone, a person, a pat a job, I don't know that you ever fully hear heal, excuse me, from those things. But you do eventually move forward. You don't move on, but you do move forward. And I'm still within the first year of my dad's death. It's still quite fresh. With my mom, I remember the first two years were just excruciating. I don't know if it's gonna be that way with my dad, but I do know that I would like to start just chipping away at this grief, little by little, as I am able.

Baby Steps Back To Living

SPEAKER_00 10:22

There's a couple of things that I've started to do. I just got back from directing a show in northern Iowa in a town that I love. I've worked there for multiple years, but the last time I worked there, my dad died during that contract. And I actually left the contract. And I've been feeling a little nervous about being back in that space and in that area now that my dad has been gone. And I have to say that it was just really healing to be back there with those people, with that community. And so that's something that I have done. I finally organized my art studio so that I can start painting again. I've just been like letting things pile up to the point where I can't even work in there. And I think that whether I was aware of that or not, I think I did that on purpose so that I couldn't create because when I'm painting, I am vulnerable. And I again didn't want to feel that way. I have gone on a couple dad walks, I call them, where I just talk to my dad. I'm sure I look insane because I talk out loud to myself slash him, and I was even yelling at him at one point, and so yeah, if you see somebody like that walking down the street, it's probably me. Today I'm doing a podcast as a step toward healing. Tonight I am going to Hudson, Wisconsin with Paul because he is playing with the Minnesota Orchestra, a concert that I've been to multiple times, but I've always been with my dad and or my mom. And this is my first time going alone, and I'm a little nervous about it, but I also think it's something that I just I need to do. I need to do for myself so that I can feel better. I know myself really, really, really well. One of the things I'm proud of is my self-awareness. And I know that if I don't start addressing this, I'm going to become sick. I'm going to become depressed. I'm going to become bedbound. I'm not going to be able to work. My body is going to revolt. That's just what happens when I am not telling myself the truth about anything around me. And sidebar, I've talked extensively in this podcast about chronic illness and disability. And a little update is that I have been feeling much, much better the past like six months. Um, I am managing things quite well. I don't think that I would even be able to say that had I not had a year of basically not doing anything and resetting my whole body, my whole mind, my whole life. So that is a really, really great thing that's that's going on. But anyway, I am taking baby steps. The teeniest, tiniest little baby steps. But as the saying goes, baby steps are still steps.

Promise To Keep Going

SPEAKER_00 13:56

And my promise to you, dear listener, is to keep going. I am so grateful for you listening today. I hope to be back soon. And as always, thank you for healing and growing with me. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.