What if you could radically transform your life, just by changing your questions? Imagine the power of shifting your mindset, to move from judgement to learning, to enhance both your personal and professional relationships. Join us, Noel and Lena, as we delve into the influential concept of choice mapping and the transformative role it plays in our lives. Based on Marilee Adams' acclaimed book, "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life," we unravel the profound impact of inquiry-based coaching and the significance of asking the right questions.
Let’s take a deep dive into the world of mindset shifts. From exploring the landscape of the judge versus learner mindset to understanding the potential of cultivating the observer, we'll journey together through personal growth and development. We’ll share our experiences, discussing the power of a learner mindset in fostering a growth-centric approach towards difficulties and the positive changes it can facilitate in corporate cultures.
In our final act, we explore choice mapping, a powerful tool that shapes your narrative and reactions. We'll discuss how asking better questions can revolutionize your personal and professional relationships and drive positive communication.
What if you could radically transform your life, just by changing your questions? Imagine the power of shifting your mindset, to move from judgement to learning, to enhance both your personal and professional relationships. Join us, Noel and Lena, as we delve into the influential concept of choice mapping and the transformative role it plays in our lives. Based on Marilee Adams' acclaimed book, "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life," we unravel the profound impact of inquiry-based coaching and the significance of asking the right questions.
Let’s take a deep dive into the world of mindset shifts. From exploring the landscape of the judge versus learner mindset to understanding the potential of cultivating the observer, we'll journey together through personal growth and development. We’ll share our experiences, discussing the power of a learner mindset in fostering a growth-centric approach towards difficulties and the positive changes it can facilitate in corporate cultures.
In our final act, we explore choice mapping, a powerful tool that shapes your narrative and reactions. We'll discuss how asking better questions can revolutionize your personal and professional relationships and drive positive communication.
Hello and welcome to the let that shift go podcast. I'm Noel and I'm Lena and this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shifting between we just talk mad shift. Let's get into it. And on this week's episode we're going to talk about what the fuck is choice mapping. Actually, we're going to talk about a book by Merilee Adams, and we'll get into that a little bit later, but first let's jump into these skin deep cards. And you want to go first? Okay, mm, hmm.
Speaker 2:Oh, what would make you never speak to me again?
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, why do you have such shit questions?
Speaker 2:I feel like there should be only one answer to this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess when you die.
Speaker 2:Okay, that was the answer I was looking for.
Speaker 1:That was the test question. You win, did I?
Speaker 2:pass. You passed because I was like that better be the only answer that he gives I will say it didn't come right to mine.
Speaker 1:I was like what am I going to say here, you know? And then I was like, oh well, I guess you would have to die.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess you better still be speaking to me.
Speaker 1:You know, right, yeah, I guess I guess you know in spirit. I guess, right, yeah. Okay, my question is what talent or trait of mine do you appreciate most?
Speaker 2:You're like I can do anything attitude.
Speaker 1:I can do anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like you know what I can do, that it's like I'll figure it out. I love that Like there's never, you know, not seen where you just back down and you just go. Yeah, my guess I guess I don't have. I'm just going to go into a hole you know.
Speaker 1:You know, but some of that I'm trying to like, you know I could see that. Thank you for that, because I do. That is a trait that I like. I'll try to figure out anything like well, this is it. So I guess I got to figure it out Right. But I'm realizing, like even with work, sometimes I'll like somebody will like like a snake, right, if I was at home and there was a snake around, I'd be like, yeah, we got to call pest control or whatever. But at work, like I handle those things like okay, well, the customer's right there and I got to, you know, somehow wrangle a snake or get into a net or something.
Speaker 2:I'll figure it out.
Speaker 1:But there's always something that I'll do at work but I won't do it at home. But I don't really know why.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think that's why. Because if it was, if we're saying in my house, you'd be like all right, I got it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like to be able to say no to things you know, more and do less. Yeah, it's a good thing and not always have to figure it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Not all on your shoulders all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not always on my, so let's talk about this book.
Speaker 2:Change your questions, change your life. Barely Adams.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what? First of all, like how did this book come to you? Did somebody recommend it? Like, how did it cross your path?
Speaker 2:You know I think I heard about it I'm always looking for ways to improve communication. Yeah, and yeah, yeah, and like an increased awareness right. So this book came across my path and I read it and I was like this is awesome. And it was mostly focused on probably professional organizations. Yeah. But I think it applies in personal relationships or in everyday life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're seeing how it crosses over, yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's definitely like it's a quality, it's a practice that I use with my clients, with my one-on-one clients is, you know, incorporating this into a daily way of life of doing just about anything. And her background is she's a professional coach, facilitator and consultant and she is known mainly for inquiry-based coaching. So she's known to come into a company that is about to go down Like there's a lot of problems and they will consult her to come in and kind of revamp. Okay.
Speaker 2:And then you can come into the company or come into the culture of a place and kind of really really turn things around, and she's been known to be able to do that in places that you didn't think it was possible, and merely by just changing your questions.
Speaker 2:So, she holds a PhD in clinical psychology and she's the founder and CEO of the Inquiry Institute. So yeah, inquiry Institute, change your questions. So I found it really fascinating where it's just it's an impact on your mindset, you know, and how she observed different types of questions can lead to different outcomes in both personal and professional relationships. So it sounds really simple and it is really simple, but it's not a way that we normally communicate or how we normally like jump right to reaction, and so that's one of the reasons I loved it so much. So, yeah, and she has something called choice mapping that she incorporates.
Speaker 2:But, one of the main themes of it is looking at the type of questions you ask yourself, or thinking patterns and emotions that go on when something triggers you or something is like you're at an impasse with someone. Right? Because there's two types of mindset there's learner and there's judge. Okay, yeah. So first we'll talk about judge your mindset. And judge your mindset is you're judging the situation that's in front of you, Like if something's happening, you're like why is this always happening to me? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Does that question lead anywhere good? Normally no, it's probably. You can feel the contraction. Why are they doing this? To me, is that's the judge, your mindset. You're already judging the situation right and you're not opening up to any curiosity, yeah, about what's happening. Yep, so opposite of that is the learner mindset, which is vastly different. Learner mindset is curious. It's open-minded, it's focused on understanding and growth.
Speaker 1:So when it kind of crosses over into like a personal thing, it's kind of like like how would you? How does it cross over to the personal side?
Speaker 2:Well, if something were happening, let's say, in a relationship with your adult children, and there's what would be a good example. They don't wanna come over for Christmas. Okay, right, it's, we're right at a few days away from Christmas probably. And the judge, your mindset, was like they just they don't see my importance or my value, or they don't care about me enough, or why don't they just come over, whatever it is, but they're in that, there's no curiosity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so is it kind of like the treasure in the trigger?
Speaker 2:It. Everything is coming back to the treasure in the trigger.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's the kind of crossover I'm kind of when I'm hearing you talk about that. It kind of crosses over there. So this has given us tools and concepts to kind of switch from the judge to the learner.
Speaker 2:Yes. So if anything, if something's going on and you're faced with, you know, feeling reactive and immediately are probably our first instinct. Unless you've done some work on yourself or reflection, you, we usually go right into judge your mindset.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause what we're thinking about, those changes our emotions and how we act and feel and all those things yeah.
Speaker 2:And then there's just a whole cascade of things that start to happen and kind of spin out of control. And the thing with judge your mindset is you're only leading in one direction, which is this path of like the pit of despair you know, or negative thinking, negative thinking yeah. The judge your mindset. Questions really don't lead anywhere. Expansive. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right Cause there's no curiosity, because saying why does this always happen to me Is not necessarily curiosity, even though it's a question. It's just really, really leading down to a road that's not going to serve anyone. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So you know it's just switching into. The learner mindset would be what can I learn from this? Or what are they, what do they need from me? You know that would be a more open question and could lead to something where you could find something out. You could learn something from it. If you think about these two roads, if there was a map and you're at an impasse, you know right where that road is going to fork.
Speaker 1:Choice mapping.
Speaker 2:Choice, map it. So it's like okay, are you going to go the judge your mindset. Cause if you look at the end of the judge your mindset, there's a pit of despair. If you go to the learner mindset, it goes up, it opens up. Okay.
Speaker 2:There's more things to learn there, you know. So it's just really switching the dialogue, the inner dialogue, to something that's more collaborative, more problem solving, rather than shutting down. So those are that's kind of the big gist of it. Judge your mindset is closed, critical, focused on finding fault. Yeah, okay, so those are the main things of asking of, like, what mindset am I in? Do you feel closed, critical and you're focused on finding fault?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a big one, because most times we're trying to find the person who did the wrong and I don't know, for some inequity, like you, want them to be the one that fixes it or whatever, but it doesn't really get. It's not source.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:You know, it's not getting to the source.
Speaker 2:It leads to more negative thinking. Yeah, and then victim and blaming right and you want to find fault.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like whose fault is this? So in a corporate setting, same thing, right? If something's going wrong, who's blaming who? Whose fault is this? That problem's not going to get solved just by blaming someone. Yeah. So it's not opening anything up, it's just really closing it down. And a lot of that is self-protection, right, you don't want to be the one at fault. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's closing down as opposed to opening up. So again, if you're at that fork, it's recognizing. That's where you're at. What mindset are you in? Are you feeling like a judge, or are you feeling like a? Learner A learner, and both are available to you. In most situations, both are available to you.
Speaker 1:Why does, like I don't know, innately, like the judging seems like the higher way to go, just like a judge or a learner's, like a student?
Speaker 2:I don't know my brain. It's almost like the judge is the way to go, the powerful one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there you go. That's what I was looking at missing. The judge feels like I have power.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, it definitely does Even like the energy around. I'm judging it is like. I'm smarter than it. It's not my fault, it's someone else's, yeah, whereas a learner's like admitting that they don't know.
Speaker 1:Surrender yeah.
Speaker 2:To be a learner is to say I don't know, what don't I know? Yeah. So that may. You may interpret that as being a weakness, but is it so? It's really kind of just shifting that paradigm of is being judge or feel stronger to you than being a learner. Yeah. And which one is actually gonna serve you.
Speaker 1:The learner. Yeah for sure, yeah, yeah, just changing mindset. Becoming a scholar. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And always thinking, like you know, there's always something for me to learn. Yeah, in this, in every interaction, there's probably something for you to learn.
Speaker 1:That's a hard one because you know, walking in the blue, you know that what I like to say it's I really did have from the outside perspective. It was like, ah yeah, you guys just think everything is great and everything is supposed to happen the way it's supposed to happen and that's whatever. That's like the full of who. But in some ways, you know it's true, because things happen for a reason and you wouldn't be where you're at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, I mean, I have one of my favorite questions to ask when I can take a breath and be an observer is how can this be the best thing that's ever happened to me? Ooh. And that goes. I mean, of course there are gonna be things where you're like there's no way. But if you have enough years on and you look back over your life, you'll probably see that the worst things led you to the biggest breakthroughs. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So take advantage of knowing or distrusting, that whatever is coming up is probably happening for you. So in that way, if you can just stop and ask like, how can this be happening for me? What can I learn from this? If you can change your mindset in most instances to be able to take on that perspective, there's a lot of growth that's possible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hear you say sometimes like oh, today I get to. You know what I mean. Instead of saying I have to go to the DMV, it's like oh, today I get to go to the DMV. I mean even just changing that.
Speaker 2:But actually a little bit, just changing your mindset, yeah it gives you a little bit more positive.
Speaker 1:It's very powerful, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cause. A learner mindset helps you approach difficulties as learning opportunities. Right, it's like resilience, creative solutions. A judge or mindset is avoidance, blame, repeating unproductive patterns, which is one of the main themes, I think, of. Most of the things we talk about is breaking patterns, breaking old patterns that aren't working. And so what if this could be a tool for you to use just to start experimenting with that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause that's one of our main points. She argues that you know, just, it can dramatically change your perspective, just changing from the judge or to the learner.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, just asking yourself am I judging or am I learning? Yeah. So you know, try it in any situation that comes up that's like this is activating you know I feel like I'm going into reaction, or even professionally.
Speaker 2:Especially professionally is if you're at work and I know we've all seen it or something's going on and we all want to figure out who's to blame. No part of that actually leads to a big breakthrough, you know. Actually it leads to could be the downfall of the work environment, so changing the culture. Hey, what if there's no one to blame and we just need to figure out what can we learn from this? Or what do they need from me? Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and in relationship, same thing. If there's something going on, it's what do they need from me.
Speaker 1:I wonder about the chicken or the egg you know chicken before the egg like did she discover this and apply, like personal relationships, to the larger, like corporate setting, or did it come from the corporate setting? And like we're going, oh, you know what this kind of crosses down like, how was it born? In other words, I'm just trying to think of that because it does in so many ways these things that we do in our professional lives can help our personal lives. So I just kind of wonder how it came to her.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I think logically, like her background is in clinical psychology. Yeah, so yeah. So noticing patterns of behavior in people. Yeah, that's kind of the profession, right yeah working through that with people and then applying it into the workplace is probably how she became so powerful in becoming a coach and a facilitator in a corporate culture. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So in reading it, it was the theme of the book, or the book itself seemed like it was more geared towards corporations but, in reading it for me. I wasn't working for a corporation, but I was like this applies so again like working with clients in trying to shift their awareness. This is a tool that I absolutely ask them to implement.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So if I was a client, how do you use this? And like, you've taken this book that you've read and now you're implementing and using it kind of in your modality of helping others, like what is it just a tool that you would do, like breathing, or like, how would you use this?
Speaker 2:I think mainly when I'm working with someone and we're working on regulating their nervous system and really coming into awareness and really developing the observer in them in all the situations.
Speaker 1:Cultivating the observer. We talked about that.
Speaker 2:Yes, cultivating the observer, once you're able to really kind of hone in on what that is and not being so reactive. Now, this is an extra added tool. So if you're in a situation that is triggering, or at work or at home, is to immediately say am I judging this or am I learning from this, and recognize what path or what part of the map are you going down and then decide which one you actually wanna do. So it does take a little bit of being able to step out of reactivity, even if it's just a breath, and then asking am I a judge or am I a learner?
Speaker 1:Okay, so just putting that as a concept in there is helpful on itself, cause I like that because you know, sometimes, like we said, walking in the woo, like it feels like this is a way like a professional, way to explain it, as opposed to, like you know, another way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it's very linear, yeah, which I like for logical and pragmatic thinkers yeah it's like another technology. Yeah, of conversation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that calling it technology. Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like just bringing in this tool that you can use. That is not woo. Yeah, you know it's just. It's basic logic, because psychology. It's like it's yeah, it's psychology of the mind. So you know, in changing your emotional state, yeah. So that's kind of a big thing, and being able to not be so reactive is to change your or affect your own emotional state. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:And you literally can do that just by stopping and asking yourself those two questions Mm-hmm, am I judging, am I learning? And once you establish, okay, I'm, you know, this is how I'm feeling, and now I want to make a choice.
Speaker 1:Well, I think the magic is the fact that you stopped and asked a question automatically makes you the learner, because you're asking a question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're already on the learner path.
Speaker 1:I think that's the hardest part is actually recognizing that there's a choice map right here, like we're going to go down, you know path A or B or C, I mean there's could be plenty of paths that you can go down, but at least stopping and making a choice there and going, ooh, what is this? Yeah, what is the trigger in the treasure?
Speaker 2:Yeah, or the treasure in the trigger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I always say that backwards. Or, like you said, you know, am I the judge or the learner? So yeah, that I love how that you know gives you, would you say this is a good book to read, even if you're not thinking about it from a professional setting. Oh, absolutely Does it read that, read. Well, that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, both, it absolutely does. And it's a quick short read, like I listened to it on audible, like most things, mm-hmm, but it's definitely one of those ones I was like, ah, this is genius. Yeah. I mean, it's a tool. Yeah. And it's one that I try and use as often as I can.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's just to be like. What can I learn from this?
Speaker 1:It sounds like things we've heard in the past, but I like analogies for things and this and sometimes books become. They have the perfect analogy to you know, to make it, help me to visualize it. You know what I mean and articulate a point and I really I like that way of the judge or the learner. Yeah. Because asking the question is awareness, I think.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, and one of the examples that she gives, even in the corporate setting, is you know, she coaches a lot of people who are at the, you know, the top of the C suite you know, like the person who's in charge of everyone. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when that person can then come in and kind of exemplify and use themselves as an example to say ha, you know, and become the learner, humble themselves in that way, it's very powerful for the team and the people that are around you. I mean there's probably a lot more respect, rather than fearing you that you're going to judge them and blame them. It's where you know that could be like where am I not supporting you in what? In what our efforts are? Yeah. You know, what do I need to know?
Speaker 1:That's cool. Yeah, I like that because you know, I think in the health and wellness we're trying to do like a bottom up approach, which is like start from the source. You know what I mean. Yeah, but if you're, if she's meeting with the higher ups and working on those people and they can trickle down. You know, it's also kind of approaching on both sides. So the beauty in that she's teaching it from a higher levels and we're, you know, trying to be on the opposite side and teach it in families, oh, yeah, you know you catch people off guard too, like with this method.
Speaker 2:you know if you have, if you've always been the judge or, let's say, even in family situations, like oh, here it comes, he's going to blame, he's going to you know, even as a parent, and suddenly you switch. It's like whoa, wait, what I mean? There's room for me to kind of relax and be able to ask or answer the question of what do you need from me? And you know it can shift the entire way that that whole conversation is going or the way that the whole situation is being handled. Is no, we all, we all actually want to get to a solution. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Not just who did this and whose fault is it.
Speaker 1:I've even heard in in like a marriage counseling, like trying to frame your questions in a way that excuse me doesn't You're asking a question rather than just giving points across, so that it invites them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, to get curious and come back. You know what I mean? Yeah, and so I'm thinking, like you know, asking the questions and asking the questions, and so many times when, when I get into an argument myself, it's almost like I have a whole soliloquy. I'm gonna go down and it just. But there's no questions involved. I'm just letting you know everything, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah you know, just judge her which is judge her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think, if you can have conversations as the learner, yeah, maybe that's a helpful.
Speaker 2:That's what was coming across and you both become learners. Yeah, I guess yeah right, and then both, and then just think about that when you're both learners, things are expanding. Things are opening up, when you're being judged, or you are the judge, or things are closing down. Yeah now people are worried about their safety, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Their emotional safety, their physical safety, their professional safety a lot of assumptions going around to you, yeah yeah, everything kind of shuts down, whereas if there's questions being asked that open up and expand, then there's actually possibility and opportunity to learn and to grow right in the upward direction. Yeah as opposed to just going right back down into the pit. Mm-hmm of despair. So I love that she they actually give like a visual of a choice map okay and I put that in my coaching book is like here's your choice map. Like physically, visually, see what it would look like to walk down these two roads.
Speaker 1:So like if I had a journal and I was just gonna draw like bubbles, like like Figure at the at the bottom mm-hmm and he's walking along the path.
Speaker 2:And here's the trigger.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm and then it forks off so upside down family trees, what I'm thinking right?
Speaker 2:I mean like, yeah, you go left or right, yeah, up right upwards or lateral downwards, yeah, and really taking a moment to be like, alright, the judge or takes the right side over here, left, or whatever down into the Predictable past. Yeah, the learner is going to take another route which could open up to something they don't even know is possible.
Speaker 2:Right and it's really just fostering this curiosity inside of you and the way that, like when I am talking about it with people, is really well. How do I know what question it is, or how do I know what's the next question I even have for myself in this? Yeah is which one makes you feel like you Contracted mm-hmm, that's probably a judge or or like a it's a closing down Mm-hmm question or path, and which one makes you feel open yeah, and which one makes you feel like you're expanding or there's possibility for expansion mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Just, you know, being able to kind of figure out what are your questions, based on how you feel in the body, you know, and kind of following that path along, and sometimes it's, you know, if you're in a situation let's say that you know you're going to go into a room with people that you don't like mm-hmm you know, and it's like, okay, well, here's a choice.
Speaker 2:What am I going to do? I'm gonna am I gonna shut down and I'm gonna go over in the corner, or I'm gonna go get a glass of wine and just act like I'm on my phone. Okay, well, how does that feel? It feels like I'm going to shut down and I'm gonna be end it back in the time. Yeah right. So it's not even that anyone else outside of me is judging me or blaming me. I'm already judging and blaming in a situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, privately in order even happened before it's even happened mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:So even in that instance the choice mapping is well, I could do that, I could go shut down mm-hmm okay. Or what could I do that could make me feel even 25 10% better mm-hmm you know, I could walk in with a smile, I could find someone that I'm comfortable with and ask them a question. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I could you know whatever? So it, even in small ways like that, is also a way to use this tool. Mm-hmm to figure out. If you're in a situation that's uncomfortable, what choice can you make for yourself? Yeah because sometimes you're both the learner or the judge, or mm-hmm and you get to choose which one, which which road, do you want to head down? Mm-hmm. So it's not just in corporate, it's not just in a back-and-forth relationship with someone else. It could be just within yourself. Yeah you know. So it's something.
Speaker 1:I like that as a visual because it reminds me I think we talked about for like those books that used to be able to like, pick and choose which way you go, choose your own adventure like zombies or something like that. If you choose this, go to page this. You remember that. Oh my gosh yeah and so, like giving you choice and and recognizing you know it does give you some control of what you're doing to right.
Speaker 2:So it's definitely a choose, your own adventure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because we have the ability to choose our own narrative at any moment. Right, we can be sad right now and or choose to do something that makes us happy. Yeah in the next second if we choose to.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that's not an easy thing all the time. We don't always go with that. No, sometimes we just want to roll around in the stink. Yeah right. That's a choice to mm-hmm and you look at the map, you know where it's going.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, okay, there's parts that you can't emotionally bypass a feeling and in the rain technique, we need to allow it and acknowledge it. So there's, there's definitely time for that and we don't want to emotionally bypass our feelings at the same time. Yeah, definitely so you know there's gonna be a healthy balance, I think yeah, definitely, I think it's.
Speaker 2:It's everything is a choice, mm-hmm, I mean, literally it's a choice, like your reaction to it is a choice. You don't always have control over the situation, but you do have some control over how you respond or how you react, and that can be a personal decision for you. It's just to ask opening expanding questions. So if you're faced with something and somebody is challenging you or they're shutting down in front of you or you feel like you've had a wall, is maybe just step back and ask what do they need from me?
Speaker 1:Ask yourself the question yes, what do?
Speaker 2:they need from me. What does this situation need from me?
Speaker 1:You can see my thought, would be like to ask them what they need from me. You could you?
Speaker 2:can, but you know you got to consider your audience.
Speaker 1:You know that's not I like the way that you framed it first, because then at least you could ask. Maybe they do need you to ask a question. That could be the thing they need from you. They need to feel heard, they need to feel seen. What is it? Yeah?
Speaker 2:That is the question too. I love that. It's like really observing what's happening from like stepping back from the whole situation, like get that hox perspective on the situation itself, and then asking what does this situation need or how can I, you know, kind of shift this in a way that it could, that there's a possibility for an expansion or an opening or something to positive?
Speaker 1:You got to remove the agenda first, right it's like you got to remove your. Well, your agenda is usually tied to blaming you know, or judging, or shutting down and protecting yourself. Yeah, you know it's got to be switching to like what can I learn here? Why is this happening? Yeah. Kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just ask, just asking better questions. It's that whole. The book is called change your questions, change your life. And what, if that's possible? I mean, so do an experiment, you know, with it. Yeah. Next time you're going into a situation whether it's at work, whether it's at Christmas party gathering in a few days is just asking you know better questions, better questions.
Speaker 1:I think that's true overall to ask better questions, even amongst each other. You know what I mean, because how's work going during the holidays? Or you know the same ask better questions, well, yeah.
Speaker 2:Go get a book of the skin deep cards and bring those with you. That's a whole box and better questions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean we do them every day, you know every podcast, you know just to, because we love them so much and we do them all the time. So yeah, but yeah, that's a good point, yeah.
Speaker 2:Ask better questions.
Speaker 1:Ask better questions because those are good ones. I mean you can look up and Google like best questions, ask a sibling or a family member and choose one of those you know. Kind of challenge you to choose one of those and ask a family member that this time you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and all aspects ask better questions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, even if you ask yourself some of these questions, like I've read these skin deep cards and ask myself those questions and it's like ooh, yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's improving, you know, communication problem solving. It's growth mindset. Ultimately it's growth mindset and I think on some level it's what we all want.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've been definitely accused of being a know-it-all or think I'm a know-it-all, you know what I mean. And I think one of the shifts you know the big shifts was actually asking a lot more questions and understanding that there's so much more that I don't know, because, you know, you get to a certain age of midlife crisis where you kind of think you know a bunch of shit, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But then actually knowing that you know nothing is where that self-awareness is, and so, and that opens me to ask a bunch of questions and read books and all those things.
Speaker 2:So yeah, and I think it also encourages, like adaptability. You know that in any situation, you're able to adapt, bend, adapt. It's like it's the opposite of just being rigid, you know, and just being able to admit to yourself like you are a learner. You can be a learner in any situation, doesn't matter your level of intelligence, whether perceived or real. Yeah, that there is always something for you to learn in every situation. If you just looked at every conversation or you know triggering situation that you feel reactive in, is there's probably something for you to learn to find a better question. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And feel into your body which one feels like an expansion and which one feels like you're shutting down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like that yeah.
Speaker 2:Judge versus learner, so yeah, yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:We got to take and learn new things and have these tools. Yeah, you know, because otherwise we're going to keep repeating those same mistakes. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Keep ending up in the pit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to use new keys, new tools. Yeah, because you can't unlock new doors with the old keys.
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, you got to try new things and I feel like you know I'm doing that with these different tools that we bring in. You know it's me trying to figure everything out and like oh, one of the traits you like is I get, I try to figure everything out. But now I think I do the same thing, but with a different perspective and not coming in acting like I know it. But I'm going to ask questions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because I think, if you think, you know it all you're more likely to judge someone else's opinion, you know, as opposed to like huh.
Speaker 1:Well, I realize, even doing projects with, like you know, my kids and family, like you know, logan or Aiden, allowing them to, they have different ways to do things and you're like, whoa, that was something I didn't even think about, yeah, but had I shut them down or not? Ask them a question like how would you do it? Like I would never have even seen that part of it.
Speaker 2:You'd rob yourself of the opportunity. Yeah.
Speaker 1:They have a new way or something they either thought of or learned. On TikTok yeah, yeah, I got this new cooking thing that's. I love that part of it, but yeah, so we encourage you to read this book.
Speaker 2:Yeah, change your Questions, change your Life. By Merilee Adams.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. Please like and share and leave us a review on Apple. Yeah, really helps us.
Speaker 2:Or let us know how this helped you. Like did you go and use this? Tell us, we'd love to hear that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at Let that Shift Go, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.