PSP 34 | How do I choose a church? Finding a local church you can make your home.

In this episode of the New Reality Podcast, Lindsay, Danielle, and Mike from Reality Church discuss how to choose, engage with, and belong to a local church. They share personal experiences, practical advice, and address common challenges like finding community, balancing doctrine with preferences, and moving from passive attendance to active involvement. Emphasizing the importance of belonging, realistic expectations, and service, they encourage listeners to prayerfully explore, engage, and commit to a church where they can grow in faith and community. This episode offers insights for anyone seeking a church home.

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Transcript

Lindsey 00:00:18  Welcome to the pursue reality podcast. So glad that you could be with us. We are doing a series right now, and this first episode of a new series on how to choose and engage and belong into a local church. And I'm really excited to talk about that. talk about something that most of us have been through or are going through right now. And I've got some great guests with me. First of all, my name is Lindsay and I am one of the pastors here at Reality Church over Discipleship. And I've got some wonderful guests with me. I have got Danielle. Danielle, you want to say hi and introduce yourself?

Daniele 00:01:02  Hello. I'm here and happy to be here.

Daniele 00:01:05  I am the Leadership Development Director here at reality and happy to join this podcast.

Lindsey 00:01:09  Awesome. And I've got Mike Millan. Hello, everyone. Welcome, Mike. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Mike 00:01:15  I'm the executive pastor here at Reality Church, so I'm, not quite a year in, so still figuring out what all that is, is about. But a lot of, management of staff and building and budgets and all those kind of things.

Lindsey 00:01:28  That feels a little like, inaccurate when you say that because you help start the church. That's true. As a full time staff member, that is that is accurate. But you've got lots of experience. yeah. So we're in we talk a lot and I talk a lot, and all of us do with people that are coming into our building on, especially on a Sunday morning, and they're walking in for the first time. We often can spot you if you're listening. And you've been one of those people, look a little lost, like I do when I visit a church, and kind of checking it out and often trying to navigate, like, is this a church that I want to go to? And it can often feel really overwhelming to choose a new local church.

Lindsey 00:02:12  Maybe you're new to the area, or you feel like your previous church or season is over. Or maybe you've never attended church before and like, really belong to a church. and it can feel like a lot. There's a lot of options, different styles, beliefs, personalities and different church communities. And for some of us, on top of that, we've got a history with church which may be positive. So there's kind of hopes and expectations or maybe painful. Maybe we've got some hurt in the past. And so we want to just talk with wisdom, but also prayerfully about how do you choose a church, what should you look for, what questions you should ask? and hopefully some of this can help everyone who's listening. And so I want to just start with that first experience. you're maybe visiting a church, whether ours or another church, and you're walking in the church door. You probably looked at their website. Most of us do. We look at the website and Instagram page, or you're listening to this podcast right now and, you walk in there and what are some of the things that you guys think are worth paying attention to when you're first visiting the church? Like, what are you looking for? and maybe you could talk a little bit about your own experience.

Lindsey 00:03:27  We've all done that where we've, whether this church or in our past have actually chosen to visit a church and make it our church home. What are those first things that maybe you looked at and kind of evaluated? Daniel, why don't we start with you?

Daniele 00:03:40  Yeah, sure. No, that's a great question. And I think in my adult life, I've only had to choose 1 or 2 churches, I think. Max. either I grew up in the church that my parents chose for our family and then went to the church that I belonged to in another family. And then I think in the past ten years, I've only chosen one church. So that's kind of a limited experience. But also it felt kind of expansive because it was an opportunity to say, okay, who where are we going to belong? Where are we going to belong? As me, as a person, as our family. so I remember definitely looking at websites, listening to anything, looking at social media pages of either here at reality or another church I was a part of.

Daniele 00:04:25  but I remember walking in and just thinking, Will we belong here? That was probably the first question. and wanting to notice who the people were, what they were about. Definitely things like, you know, ages and variety of family structures or different people, but just the I think the question that was on my mind was will be, will we belong here?

Lindsey 00:04:45  That's a really good question. Yeah, that's a bit of a different question than do I like this. Definitely. But kind of through that lens. Is this a place that we could belong? And I love that. What about you, Mike?

Mike 00:04:58  Yeah, I think, definitely if if a church is going to be a place where, where you belong, you're probably going to find people that are in the same life stage. If you have young kids, you want to be a part of a church where there's other families with young kids. I, I think back, when my wife and I left the church that I grew up in and were looking for a church in our community, for our family, that was something that that was important to us.

Mike 00:05:21  Where can we find a church that our kids will have a good experience with? We wanted our kids to like church. Yeah. And I know that's, not a common experience for kids. That church is a place they really want to go. But there are churches like that, and we wanted to find one of those for our kids. in other stages of life, I think, I think you're looking for the same thing where there's people that are in your same life stage that you can you can learn together, grow together, and experience God together. So to me, that life stage and that connection. I mean, that is all part of how do you how do you belong somewhere? And initially, I think that's a good thing to look for when you're just walking in the door.

Lindsey 00:06:01  I do think that's really if we think about specifically families and parents navigating that. Sometimes I talk to parents. In fact, I talked to a mother yesterday, said, we're new to the church. I think we're going to make this our church home.

Lindsey 00:06:17  And I asked her, oh, like, why did you why are you choosing reality? And she actually looked a little guilty. And she said, because my kids like the youth group. Yeah. Like she was like, I don't know if I have an opinion about this place, but my kids like it. And I was like, that's okay. Like as parents. And do you guys think that's okay? Like as parents, maybe, in my opinion, we can not put up with a lot, but like I can make it something I a church home. For me it was really important for me also that my kids liked it.

Mike 00:06:47  I mean, 100% for me that that was one of the most important reasons for picking a church to, I mean, children's church, children's ministry the whole way up through youth group. Is this going to be a place where my kids can find friends, can connect with God, and have a good experience here?

Daniele 00:07:03  Yeah, definitely. I would say the same thing.

Daniele 00:07:05  In fact, I attended a church for five years because my kids primarily loved it. And it's not that I didn't like it and I felt like I fit in there, but my kids loved it. And so we attended church there.

Lindsey 00:07:16  Yeah, yeah, I think it's it's really good and important. the other thing though, when I listen to that is it can feel a little bit like, just do I like it? Like we're not choosing a social club, right? Although it is a place of belonging in a church home. And how do you navigate thinking about, like, a church's teachings and values? we might use kind of bigger words like doctrine and theology. How does that play a part or where? What part does that play in choosing a church for you guys? Mike. What do you think?

Mike 00:07:57  Yeah, yeah. I mean, most churches on their website are going to have someplace where they list their doctrines or their beliefs, and I guess that's an okay place to start. But I in my experience, most churches are, are going to be okay on the big things like believe that you know, God exists, that Jesus is his son.

Mike 00:08:18  He died for our sins. Like all of those core beliefs I think you're going to find in a lot of churches. And then after that, I know for me, I have a pretty open hand, like I'm okay going to a church where I don't have to agree 100% on every piece of doctrine that they might have on their website, if they're good on the big ones, and then I get to learn from them and get the nuances and I get to chew on things, think about it a little bit, understand, you know, their perspective. For me, that's engaging and that's a positive experience. I'm not trying to find a church that matches me perfectly because I understand my beliefs aren't 100% right either. And so I want a church that digs into those nuances and but holds them with a little bit of an open hand. Yeah, because that's how I'm going to hold them and try.

Lindsey 00:09:05  With charity and yeah. Yeah that's really good. What would you add to that Danielle.

Daniele 00:09:10  Yeah. Totally agree with what Mike said I think for me I remember considering what are the primary things like the absolute non-negotiables as far as teachings or core values or doctrines.

Daniele 00:09:22  and then what are the things that I can hold like very, very loosely? And as Mike was saying, learn from others about and that even noticing if the church holds those things loosely or if they also stand on every little thing, is like, no, we know that we're right about all of these things. Yeah. That sometimes is a little bit of a red flag, because I just think, well, we don't all know that we're right about every single.

Lindsey 00:09:45  Family was God loving. People disagree on some of these things?

Daniele 00:09:49  Yes. And it's okay. So yeah, I would say, consider your list of non-negotiable things, as far as the teachings and then hold everything else loosely.

Lindsey 00:09:59  Yeah, I, we went to a church one time that we disagreed with on not core doctrines, but some minor ones. We disagreed really strongly. And for most of the time it was actually really great. but they had one point where they kind of made fun of people who disagreed with them. And that was that was one of those moments.

Lindsey 00:10:17  We went to the pastor and we're like, it was a guest preacher. But we were just like, hey, is this like, is that really what you believe? Like people who disagree with you on this minor issue? And they apologized were really gracious, but it was that can you hold it charitably and learn from one another?

Mike 00:10:36  Yeah, I do think there are people that that have a specific belief and experiencing a church that's in opposition to that belief kind of inhibits their ability to connect with God. And so I think it's good to pay attention to those things. If it's something you can hold loosely and be in communion and fellowship with people that have a differing belief, I think that's ideal. But if it's something you have a conviction about and it's a church that doesn't hold that conviction and, and it it makes it challenging to to be in worship, be in fellowship. I mean, I think that's one of the reasons why there's so many denominations and so many different expressions of church. And I think it's good to pay attention to that as well.

Daniele 00:11:13  Yeah.

Lindsey 00:11:13  That's good. I agree, there's occasionally some minor things you're like, no, I actually think I need a church that's not a salvation issue. But for me, yeah, on this one issue or something, I would they would prefer that. Yeah. That's really good. so. You're kind of looking at can I belong here? do they have obviously the core beliefs which most do? And do they, can we be okay with not having that Perfect, exact right fit, which most of us eventually will find something in a church that they believe that they don't. Exactly. Even on our staff, we don't all agree on, like every little biblical teaching, obviously on the core things, we are in full agreement. are there other things that you think don't matter as much when choosing a church? But maybe people get stuck on them? and there because I think just honestly, some people are. Are kind of like, we're dating a church, like we're trying out, you know, different churches, kind of like a dating experience.

Lindsey 00:12:17  You're kind of getting to know one another a little bit. How long should you do that? And are there things that people can get stuck on? I talk to people, even dating one another, and I'm like, wow, that's really picky. I don't think you're ever going to find someone that matches, you know, that criteria. Are there things you would just that even for ourselves, like, hey, maybe don't get stuck on those things. And like, how long would you kind of do that process and what do you think, Danielle?

Daniele 00:12:46  Yeah, I think that's a really good way to look at it. As far as dating like a church, I never really thought of it that way, but I think that's a good picture. I would say you got to give it some time. So, you know, even if you visit a church one time, unless something major has happened where it's just like, okay, well, we really should not come back at all, or something was taught that was way out of line from what you agree or align with with Scripture, then visit like 4 or 5 times in a row, even as consecutively as you can, because you see different things in church life than you would just catch one time.

Daniele 00:13:19  And so visit several times, you know, go to some of the opening and preliminary things that they might have, like a welcome lunch or visitors thing. just be free to just visit and to just be there. over time. Yeah, over time, even giving yourself a couple of weeks. And then I also think that it's okay to have personal preferences about church, that it's okay to say this kind of style is really fits with me, or I really like contemporary music, or I really don't like that. but then also not to get stuck on that, I will give an example. When I first came to reality, I love the worship style, everything about it. But I remember thinking, boy, this music is really loud. Like, what in the world is going on here? Like, these people really love to crank up and amp up these things. But if the picture of everything that was going on in all the things that I loved about the church, like that was so minor, that was really so minor, and it wasn't loud every single week.

Daniele 00:14:16  It was just some weeks. but yeah, it's okay to have personal preferences visit for a while, but then also, be okay to just engage at the level that you're ready to engage at first. Yeah.

Mike 00:14:29  Yeah. And I would say, I mean, you said 4 or 5 times and I think that's good. I think don't don't go too long in that, just testing it out phase. what I've seen with people that have engaged in our church and found it to be their church home is they got involved pretty quickly. So they weren't just sitting in the back row and observing the sermon coming. You know, when church starts and leaving right away, but getting engaged in conversation, get engaged in in serving. most of the people that have, have, had success engaging in our church quickly are people that got on a serving team and got to know people that well that way. and I think that is a good way, even if you if you serve for a couple months and you say, oh, this wasn't what I expected, that's probably going to give you a lot more information than just attending 2 or 3 times a month for a long time.

Lindsey 00:15:21  Yeah, yeah. Actually taking a few steps if and there's reasons not to get engaged at times, I think there's legitimate reasons. But at some point, if you're still checking it out a year later and you're trying to discern, you might need to get a little involved, like you said, at whatever, whether it's here, another church to kind of gather more information because there's only so you can get a lot of information coming on a Sunday morning and leaving. But at some point that data is going to be the same. Right, right. Week in and week out for sure. and and I think I would agree with you like it is okay to have personal preferences and hold them loosely. Yes. I actually think that having some things that you don't prefer about a church in the church you choose is a healthy sign. In my opinion. I think in all honesty when people come to me and are like, oh my gosh, reality is the best church. I've never seen a church like this.

Lindsey 00:16:23  I'm like, you will not be here in six months. I actually think that right. Because they're choosing this ideal. It's like dating where like there's this, this is the best person. Like there's no person like this. They're so perfect. And true commitment is actually not thinking they're perfect. True commitment is saying, yeah, there's a couple things that are not my preference about this church, whether it's reality or another. And but that's okay because maturity is being able to hold those things and not demand that a church meets my exact, you know, every little thing, which is difficult because we see a lot of churches online now. We listen to podcasts, watch them online, which is a blessing, but we kind of now are looking for a church that's like a mesh, a conglomeration of like our five best podcast we listened to. If they could have worship like, you know, this church and teaching like this church and kids ministry like this church and, you know, hospitality and outreach like this church and then like that church doesn't exist.

Lindsey 00:17:26  That's like six churches that you're trying to make into one. And I think it's it's okay to actually I think it's almost healthy to say I there's so much I love about this church, but there's a few things that are not my preference, and that's okay too. Those people actually stick around. It's the people that are like, they think they're complimenting us. But just so if you're listening, in my mind, I'm thinking, I don't know if you'll be around, right. Because you have an idealized version of us or whatever church you're going to. That's you're not seeing all the things or maybe aware of the things that you don't prefer. So you're going you're aware of just kind of what matters. You're asking those questions. Is this a place I could belong and my family if I have that, or a spouse if I have that, if this is that a place I could belong? or, you know, do they believe the right things? Core things. We're not going to some just random, weird place.

Lindsey 00:18:23  we're giving it a few weeks. How do you actually make that step? If we're used to dating analogy, how do we go from like, okay, we've gone on a few dates to like, let's, let's, let's date, let's do this. How do you make that decision? I think some people maybe make it like the first Sunday, and that's okay. Some people like a year and a half. They're still deciding, how have you guys done that? And just, made that decision like, okay, I'm this is this is going to I can change my mind. Obviously, we can always change our mind, but I think I'm gonna make this my church. I'm gonna give it a go.

Mike 00:18:59  Yeah, I think there's a couple things to pay attention to in those in those couple of weeks. And then if, if you get the box checked in those areas, I mean, I would feel comfortable making that decision. But the things that I would pay attention to are the the speaking pastors, the lead pastor or the speaking pastors.

Mike 00:19:15  I think their, personality matters a lot for for the kind of church that that exists. so if you're listening to those messages and, and it feels like the kind of person that you want to listen to again. That matters a lot. And I would say even more than you know, if they say something a little differently than you would phrase it or their understanding of of what that Bible verse means is just a little off from what you thought. If it's the kind of approach to Scripture approach to communicating that you resonate with, that matters a lot. And then I think just the vibe of the church, if you get a a good sense, this is a place where people connect, people talk to each other. People seem to like being here. And you, you feel like I could make a friend here? I think if if it passes those tests, I guess even the worship style, if that's the kind of worship style that you feel like I can really worship God here. you know, if you get a couple of those boxes checked, then I think the next step is, is to really plug in and get involved.

Mike 00:20:21  And I would say, don't, don't wait six months and see, well, let me just inspect everything and see if, if it checks all hundred of my things. But, once you get the big ones checked off, get involved and and be a difference maker and help make the church what it's trying to become.

Lindsey 00:20:38  That's really good. What about you?

Daniele 00:20:41  Yeah, I resonate with everything that, Mike is sharing. And I think too, that because we have so much access online, like we can listen to sermons, we can check out things that honestly, there should be a little bit shorter gap. Again, come live in person and visit for, you know, a couple of times. But I think you have to kind of get to a point of, okay, can I see myself getting involved here? Yeah. You know, am I going to stay in observation mode and just kind of observe, observe, observe for months and months and months? Or can I see myself taking a step and then to just try? Like you said, we can change our minds.

Daniele 00:21:12  And sometimes we learn a lot by reading statements of beliefs. And we listen to sermons online. Or we come, but then we learn a lot by participation too. And so if we can at least begin to notice, Am I ready to at least try? Am I ready to take a next step and get involved? Then we're going to learn a whole lot more by participating and getting taking that next step than if we just sit in observation mode. I'm all for taking some time to, you know, just check out a church a couple of weeks in a row. But I would say if you're still doing that months down the road, that's probably a sign that maybe that's not the church for you. Move on to somewhere else and see where you can start getting involved.

Lindsey 00:21:52  This has been so good, and I think it really captures a lot of Jesus's heart that choosing a church home is not just choosing the place that you show up to on Sunday, but it's actually choosing the place where you belong with a part of God's family, a body of believers.

Lindsey 00:22:12  And there's lots of options, but that it's more than just attending on a Sunday. and that's what we're talking about is not just where do I show up on Sunday, but what do I actually make my church home where I belong in community. And I'm not just receiving, but I'm serving other people that are being blessed by my giftings and what I have to offer also. And it's so important, and we want that for everybody, whether it's here at reality, we often always tell people, man, if this isn't the church for you, we can make suggestions because every community needs churches that are full of people that belong there and are serving and reaching and serving the world and the community around them. And that's that's what Jesus's dream was. That's what he commissioned us to do, and that's what our heart is. So thank you guys for talking about this and helping kind of navigate this, something we all go through. And thank you everyone for listening. I hope you continue to listen to these episodes.

Lindsey 00:23:08  If this is helpful for you to learn how to navigate this, keep listening, subscribe to this podcast channel and let's keep the conversation going. So we'll see you next episode.

Mike 00:23:22  Great job.