PSP 35 | From Visitors to Family: Habits that Build Belonging at Your Local Church

In this episode, we talk about what it really means to move from just showing up at church to truly feeling like you belong. We share honestly about the challenges of building community in a culture that often treats church like a product or event, and why commitment, vulnerability, and taking initiative matter so much. Whether you’re brand new or have been around for years, you’ll find practical encouragement and real-life ideas for getting connected. We also take time to talk about healing from past church hurt, and we want you to know—it’s okay to take steps at your own pace. True belonging is built over time, through intentional relationships, serving together, and trusting God to guide the journey.

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Transcript

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Narator  00:00:10  You're listening to the new reality podcast from Reality Church. Each episode is a conversation about what it means to be real people pursuing a better reality in Jesus.

Lindsey 00:00:29  Welcome everyone to the Pursue Reality podcast. So glad that you could join us, especially in the series that we're doing, about how to choose and engage in a local church and make a local church your actual church home. My name is Lindsay and I'm one of the pastors here at Reality Church in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I'm pastor of discipleship and I have two wonderful guests with me. I have Danielle Evans with us. Danielle, why don't you introduce yourself for people that don't know you. Hello?

Daniele 00:01:00  Hello, I'm Danielle. I'm the leadership development director here for both of our locations. And excited to be on this podcast.

Lindsey 00:01:07  Awesome. And I also have with me Pastor Calvin Hoffman.

Narator  00:01:13  Hello, everyone.

Lindsey 00:01:14  Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do?

Narator  00:01:17  Yes. My name is Calvin. I am the worship pastor here at Reality Church.

Narator  00:01:23  father of one and a half children, I would say. Or 1 in 3 quarters children.

Lindsey 00:01:28  One in on the way.

Narator  00:01:29  One and on the way. Yeah.

Lindsey 00:01:31  one being delivered? Yep. Yeah.

Narator  00:01:33  And, And, I don't know, a child of God, a child.

Lindsey 00:01:37  Well, that was a very pastor answer. Well done. Well, this episode, we've just exploring how to choose a church, how to engage the first, weeks and a couple of months of a church. But this episode we were wanting to talk about, like, the habits that create a church home. I think all of us, probably in our ideal mind, would love for our local church that we belong to, to not just be this place we attend, but to be like, that's my church home. You feel a sense of belonging. maybe you you just really like. That's a place where you feel like it's not just this building that you walk into. And really, I think for a lot of people, it's a little bit of a mystery sometimes.

Lindsey 00:02:22  Like, how do you actually get from visited this church? Did kind of some of the first things and I chose, okay, this is my church now. What do you do? Like how do you how do you achieve that? that goal and really kind of breaking down for you. Listening. What are some of the simple things we can do to make church feel more like home? And that can be for people that are newer to a church, but for some people, they might have been a little stuck and you might have been at your church. Whether it's reality or whatever church you attend, you might have been there even for a few years and you'll be like, yeah, I wouldn't call it my church home. It's where it's where I go, even if you go regularly. So just to kind of demystify that and help us navigate that. So as we begin, I'd love to ask you guys, when we talk about, like from visiting a church to making a church, not just a place you attend, but it's your church home that's kind of a loaded phrase.

Lindsey 00:03:19  Home can be positive for people, maybe negative for some, but like, what are we talking about? What do we mean when we say we want to make it your church home? What what do you guys envision when you hear that? Why don't you go first?

Narator  00:03:31  Yeah, yeah, I mean first, just like, kind of as you're talking, just want to address like the tension of like we, we even as ministers and church staff, like we, we battle this tension of, we truly, deep down want to foster a place of community here at the same time, knowing that we're in a very consumerism society. So we also like host events that we try to like, you know, get people to come and experience this. But really deep down, once we get you here, we're like and join a small group and, and like get plugged in and find your people. so I just wanted to address that tension that I know we live in this tension, but deep down, like the church is supposed to be this group of people.

Narator  00:04:19  And so I think the picture for me is like, when I come to this space like I do, I see familiar faces. I see my people, like, I have a group of friends that I do life with, and we get to share a church home together. It's a it's the place where we eat the same things spiritually and and physically. yeah. our church. Yeah, yeah. Baby bagel bite Sunday. Whichever. I forget what Sunday. That is fourth Sunday or something. First Sunday. Wow. First and third, you know. Yes. Yeah. I don't even know. but we. Yeah, we do the same things. We're learning the same things. We're going after the same things. and just a place that has has developed familiarity to me. Yeah. and and it's. Yeah. It's not that like every single person here I know especially, you know, in a growing church and the sizes of churches these days. it's not that, you know, every single person.

Narator  00:05:13  even on staff, I, we all hate that moment when you're like, oh, my gosh, it's so good to meet you. How long have you been going here for? And that person goes, I've been here for three years. I go, oh my gosh, that's That's awesome. It's good to meet you.

Lindsey 00:05:25  Internally, we're.

Narator  00:05:26  Dying. Internally I'm dying. but I also think that that's okay. It's, like, healthy to know that. Like, I only have this much capacity for this many close friends. But I also have this community where this person knows me and we know each other. We see each other, we go to church together and and we generally know of each other. And that's that's okay. Yeah. But just a general sense of familiarity when I, when I walk into a space.

Lindsey 00:05:49  What about for you, Danielle? What do are you when you hear those words? What does that mean?

Daniele 00:05:54  Yes, I well, I totally agree with what Calvin shared.

Daniele 00:05:56  And I think also the thought that was coming to me was, this is a place where I allow part of my story to be known, you know, where I might have people who know just a little bit like they just know my name, or maybe that I'm on staff, or that I have some kids who attend here, and then other people who might know a little bit more and other people who might know a little bit more, but that over time that I've cultivated this, commitment to being vulnerable because I think community that we're looking for takes some vulnerability on our part, where I just allow some of my story to be known, I allow myself to be seen, and I allow myself to be known by others. Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsey 00:06:32  I, I think that same thing, what you guys are holding attention like of when I think of church home, I don't think of like walking in. Everybody knows everybody.

Daniele 00:06:42  Oh, yeah. Like not possible.

Lindsey 00:06:43  It's not possible unless your church is. I mean, there might be like, house church style, which is, a great style where there's, you know, 8 to 10 people maybe, or 12 people.

Lindsey 00:06:56  but I also think that, like, where I can use my giftings and serve others and I'm also known. But when I think I'm known, like I've got a group of people. one of our most, like, just special memories as a family was a church that we went to, English and Anglican Church, a beautiful church that we were part of for many, many years. And we were like really close. We met another family there, and they knew us and we knew them, and we had a couple other people. We knew we were serving in meaningful ways. I didn't know the whole church. I wasn't best friends with everybody, but I had someone I could call when things were hard. Yeah. and that was great. Yeah, that was great. So and most people, if I didn't show up on Sunday, didn't notice, and that was okay. But the people that I was, that I cultivated that smaller community noticed. And so it felt like church home to me.

Lindsey 00:07:52  Yeah. For sure. So. So that's what we're kind of looking for. How how do you do that? Like, I'd love for us to kind of demystify that because I think most people would long for that. But getting there sometimes feels a little harder than we want it to be. It's like, how do I actually move from where I'm at to getting there. And so what are kind of some of those small habits or steps of moving from just this is a place I attend to saying this is my church home. What are the small habits that can make a big difference?

Narator  00:08:27  Yeah. like, I mean, for me, that word familiarity like that, that doesn't take like a couple of visits to church. Like familiarity, we know, like, takes time. Yeah. So I think step, step one right out of the gate is like, you have to commit to You attending here for a number of weeks, a set amount of time so that you can develop familiarity? It can't be born in a moment.

Narator  00:08:56  I was a youth pastor for a number of years here, and, I got this from Josh Simmons, who was a pastor on staff here for, for some time. He was my overseer, and he told me to when, when talking with, with parents who had kids, who would come to youth group and they would come to the first time and they'd go home and they'd tell their parent, their parents be like, how was it? And they'd be like, oh, it was terrible. Like nobody talked to me. Like I just stood on the side the whole time, when in actuality, like they stood on the side the whole time. But in the middle, all these kids were engaging with each other and having a good time like, youth group was great, but you stood off to the side and you gave it one chance. And, I think adults can take a, a, a a note from that. Yeah. And, and say, like I have to commit to showing up.

Narator  00:09:43  So Josh was like, so talk to the parents, encourage them. Say, hey, tell your child like. Tell your student, hey, can we commit to you going to youth group? Let's commit to going for four weeks in a row. Yeah. And and just see if that that changes because familiarity takes time.

Daniele 00:10:00  I know sometimes I'm thinking about the book of acts that if you're familiar with that, right at the beginning when the church was being formed and we read these awesome scriptures where it's like, oh they were eating together and doing all this stuff and wow, we just want that. And the Bible doesn't explain, like all of the ins and outs of that, that that took time. I mean, that took organization, that took people showing up and bringing their food or, you know, whatever they needed to do. So there's some efforts on our parts. And so I think of small habits I think of as we begin or we've decided, okay, this is my church home then.

Daniele 00:10:33  Now say, okay, where do I start getting involved? Where do I start showing up outside of Sunday morning? And if you're new, look for the things that are for new people, like usually churches our church has that we have like a welcome lunch. We have different opportunities that may just be for a day or, you know, a one time opportunity to get involved, to start to attend the things that are for new people. maybe a group that's forming new. That's just for a couple of weeks. and if a couple of weeks feels too long, then attend something that's even shorter. But look for the opportunities that are for people who are in the similar boat that you're in, who are new to our church, and then start their start there. Even if you start small but start.

Narator  00:11:14  I think it's always like it's always amazing to me when I walk into the welcome party and I see like a large group of people and like in actuality, a lot of them probably spent the last couple of weeks thinking that, like, I'm like the only new person here.

Narator  00:11:28  And then they show up in this space and they go, oh my gosh, you guys are all new to like and like we're, you know, relationship is is often borne on on some sort of, common interest or common situation. So it's like, oh, hey, you're new here too. You're exploring church as well. Like it's the perfect place to to begin your journey.

Lindsey 00:11:48  And would you say that an irreducible minimum is you have to take initiative on some level?

Daniele 00:11:55  Yeah. Unfortunately, yes. Yeah. And I say unfortunately because I think Calvin did it when he said, you know, sometimes we can be in this consumer mentality where it's just going to somehow come to me, it's going to be delivered to my door by Amazon. And it's just not it's going to be something that we choose to engage. And it's okay to begin small, but understanding that this is going to take some time, it's going to take some vulnerability on my part. But it's it's happening. It's happening even if I don't see big huge shifts and changes, if I continue to show up and continue to stay engaged.

Daniele 00:12:27  It will happen, you know, over time.

Narator  00:12:30  Yeah. And like we try like church staff. We try so hard to sell community. But these are people that we have no control over that we can't make them welcome you a better way or be your friend. ultimately, we just. We pay for the facility and we feed you Bagel Bites. Hopefully, you guys.

Daniele 00:12:50  We create opportunities come.

Lindsey 00:12:52  Opportunities.

Daniele 00:12:53  With bagel bites.

Lindsey 00:12:53  With bagel bites.

Daniele 00:12:54  Yeah, but, yeah, I think the church is a place where we create opportunities. And definitely we do teaching and training and things like that about being friendly and being kind and all of all of those things about loving one another. Well, and there's initiative on our part. You know, there's an initiative on our part. So sometimes that can be a hard tension for us.

Lindsey 00:13:13  That can be hard. We had, feedback recently from our longer term members. So we're we're a reality podcast, and we're just going to be real here and wanted to be.

Lindsey 00:13:23  We must be. It's we're compelled. It was interesting. And I've said these things before too, so it's okay. but it was interesting to me. I think a few of us noticed that one of the feedback was positive, and there was constructive feedback to one of the feedback from our longer term most committed members was people still aren't very friendly, like people aren't walking up to me and walking up to others and introducing themselves. But it was interesting to me because I was like, you do that? Yeah, yeah. Like, I was so curious if all those people who are saying no one's doing that are doing that. The way they phrased it made me think they're waiting for someone to come. Yeah. But then I was like. And it's hard, though I feel that because everybody wants someone else to take the initiative. Yeah. But ultimately to cultivate that is something we have to do. And especially in the beginning of doing that, it it can be hard. It can be hard.

Lindsey 00:14:17  And I think especially for the introverts out there, sure. Like it could feel like a little brutal to like be like, oh my gosh. Some people are excited by our lobby, which is normally full of life and it's bright. And both our campuses right there, like these wonderful spaces with the Bagel Bites and the Dunkin Donuts holes and all that. but can be really intimidating too, for an introvert, which is most people. Right, Danielle? Yeah. Yeah. what would you say to those people?

Daniele 00:14:47  I would say.

Lindsey 00:14:49  Yes. You're an introvert, right?

Daniele 00:14:50  I am an introvert. And it was so funny because when I first came to this church, it took a while to kind of figure out how to get involved. I think we're doing a whole lot better now, but I remember just thinking, what do you actually what do you do besides sign up for a group? And I remember thinking, okay, you're just going to have to do something. And there was a class that was coming up for leaders or that was happening, and I just thought, I'm going to sign up.

Daniele 00:15:11  I'm just going to fill out the application and I'm going to sign up. And for an introvert, there's that internal tension of, oh my gosh, what did I just do? You know, maybe I shouldn't have done this. But again, that's where those small opportunities maybe just do something for a day, maybe just, you know, ten real short and then, back up if you need to, but keep going back. I would also say that the Holy Spirit is involved with us in this process and will give us what we don't have. So I'm not someone who's going to go right up to somebody and talk their ear off naturally, but the Holy Spirit will help me to do those little small steps, you know, and to engage in a group or to sign up and whatever. I can ask him, I can ask him. And I think that's an important part of the process, too. We're not alone in this. We need God's help.

Narator  00:15:55  Yeah.

Lindsey 00:15:55  That's good. You're an introvert too, right?

Narator  00:15:57  Calvin I've become more introverted, like the older I've got.

Narator  00:16:00  I like I used to be very extroverted.

Lindsey 00:16:03  The bigger your family gets, the more.

Narator  00:16:05  Yeah. I don't know what it is.

Lindsey 00:16:06  Your family's strained it out of us.

Daniele 00:16:08  Yeah. It happens.

Narator  00:16:09  It does. I also think, like, adulthood, like I'm, I, I guess I'm well into adulthood, so to speak, at 32, but I still feel like new to adulthood. Yeah. and there's something about it that I feel like adulthood makes you more and more insecure. So maybe I've become more introverted. but I think at my, like, when my emotional capacity is is high. I'm introverted. I'm extroverted, actually. but I would say to the, to the introvert, like I, I do think that serving like getting on a serving team is, is actually especially, I hate to put it this way, but especially like a more task. oriented.

Lindsey 00:16:47  As an introvert. I co-sign this suggestion.

Narator  00:16:50  Okay.

Lindsey 00:16:50  Good. It gives you something to focus on. That's not face to face.

Narator  00:16:53  Yeah. And you get in this kind of forced space with someone else. and and you can over time. before we started the podcast. Like, I was talking about stepping into in, like, a new job. Like in in your, like, the first few days, you're like, I can, I like, I'll never fit in. Like, I don't know these people. We won't. And then like, a couple weeks later, you're, like, cracking jokes and having a good time. Yeah. So I think serving provides a unique opportunity where, you know, even as adults, we need forced into spaces where we can, you know, commune with other people. so.

Lindsey 00:17:21  I do think the Holy Spirit gives us a grace and an empowerment. Especially in the seasons where we come to him and say, man, I want to like cultivate community here and use my giftings and, have people know me and to just ask him, like, help me to step out. because there is this place, like, we can put ourselves in those positions.

Lindsey 00:17:45  But at the end of the day, I just want to also encourage like the, the non structured things of like you're serving with someone and to take that step and say, hey do you want to have coffee sometime. or you know, you see other parents with kids of the similar stage and you see them every Sunday checking their kids out and checking them in to say, would you want to like get together at the park with our kids? They seem to get along. Not everyone will turn into your bestie. Yeah, but it's kind of how life happens, and I think God can give us the grace to do that. I'm. I'm pretty introverted. I know most people think church staff are pretty extroverted, because it kind of requires our job to be.

Narator  00:18:25  To turn it.

Lindsey 00:18:25  On upfront and all that, and we have an energy to do that. but I don't think people have any concept of how introverted I am. And my husband's always when we go to new spaces, you have to talk.

Lindsey 00:18:36  Lindsay.

Calvin 00:18:37  Yeah.

Lindsey 00:18:38  Like, we're in the car and he's like, you cannot hide off in the corner of.

Narator  00:18:44  The room with my wife.

Lindsey 00:18:45  Yeah. Yeah. You have to talk.

Narator  00:18:46  I need.

Lindsey 00:18:47  Yeah. And we have to invite people over to our home. And we have to. We're. If we're going to make friends, we have to do this. And I'm like, okay. Yeah, just get all sweaty.

Daniele 00:18:56  Yeah.

Lindsey 00:18:57  So yeah, it's we can we can do this. What about, people who. It's just they're a little bit nervous because their last church experience was a little hurtful. and maybe they're just kind of staying on the surface because of that, or, they feel a little stuck. how would you encourage them? Because that's a real part of a lot of people's lives. their previous church, they were all in. And now it's not like they're just being lazy or, your, you know, holding back cause they don't like people. They like people, but they've done this before, and it's a little scary.

Lindsey 00:19:34  What would. Daniel what would you say to them?

Daniele 00:19:37  Yeah, I actually had that experience, at a church I was at recently, like within the last ten years. And I remember going in and being there for a couple of months and then having a meeting with one of the staff where I just told them that. I said, like, we are coming from a really hurtful situation, you know, gave a general gist of what had happened. And just saying that we're here, the kids are very involved, but I will probably be a little bit less involved. And it was good to just receive, quote unquote, permission to do that. I mean, of course I could just do what I wanted, but it was good to share that part of my story with someone. Again, allowing my story to be seen and known by somebody, even in just general ways. And then for them to help just frame an understanding of, okay, over the next several months, even I think it was almost 18 months where I would do little things like I would serve, you know, a breakfast one morning or whatever, and stay sort of engaged.

Daniele 00:20:28  But I didn't evolve to my capacity. Like, I wasn't teaching or leading a small group or something like that. And I think that's okay. There's time for healing. There's time for pulling back a little bit. But I would also encourage find the small ways again, that you can get engaged, that there can be a danger in just complete retreat. Yeah. And complete. Just let me isolate myself. And I'm. Unless you are still in an active crisis. And that's fair. Just still find ways. Maybe it's once every three months. Maybe it's every other month showing up to something that's just quick. But I remember finding small ways to stay engaged, but also being okay with I can't do everything right now. There's some healing that needs to happen before I do that.

Lindsey 00:21:09  Would you add anything to that?

Narator  00:21:10  I don't think I would.

Lindsey 00:21:11  Oh no, it was so good.

Calvin 00:21:12  I was like, oh, this is good. Yeah.

Narator  00:21:14  I was like.

Calvin 00:21:15  Yes.

Daniele 00:21:15  You can say ditto.

Lindsey 00:21:17  Cosign. Yeah. It's so good. And it is that hard. the beauty of God's grace. He's not like, okay, you know, you just got to have a hurtful situation. Yeah. Back to 80 miles an hour in the next place immediately. Like he he's okay. but not wanting to get stuck or paralyzed and get in a place of isolation or loneliness or because of fear. Like, that's not a great place to be in either. And just, I love how you did that. Just shared with them so someone was aware and could just hold that for you and offer probably healing for them to say it. That's okay. Yeah.

Daniele 00:21:55  It was it was very healing.

Lindsey 00:21:56  Yeah.

Narator  00:21:57  Yeah, I, I think it's like it's so good. most of us are pretty aware of, like, if we ask if we make a habit of asking ourselves, like, like you were saying, is, is this retreat or is.

Calvin 00:22:10  Yeah.

Narator  00:22:10  Or is this, like, am I at a healthy capacity? Yeah.

Narator  00:22:13  Here. And and most likely, like you're going to know.

Calvin 00:22:15  Yeah. Your answer. That's a good point. Yeah.

Lindsey 00:22:18  Just showing for many people they're showing up and that's significant too. Yeah. Like they're still coming. They still love Jesus even is amazing with some of the stories that we hear. and so yeah, striking that healthy, I don't know if balance is the right word. I hate that word, but. just holding both those things in tension and, and following the leading of the Holy Spirit in that healing journey. Yeah. definitely. But ultimately I believe, and it's hard to hear. But the thing we need to heal from relational pain is relationships. Yeah. That's ultimately where the final healing will happen. yeah. Any final words that either of you would add about making a church, not just a place you attend, but your church home as you think about just encouraging people. To take that step.

Daniele 00:23:13  Yeah. I think it's something we said a little earlier, but just that God wants this for us to, it's not just our desire, but God wants us to be connected to other like minded people who we find spiritual connection with, relational connection with, and so to remember to ask him for what we need.

Daniele 00:23:29  Like even telling him I feel lonely or I feel really stuck right now. Like, help me to know what's the next step to take, remembering that we're not alone in that process, that God does help us.

Narator  00:23:39  Yeah, and I think like it totally. ditto. Another, ditto. Another cosign. But like, I, I believe, like, if you are searching for it, like you will find it. Yeah. Like gods. Yeah. God wants it for you. so he will give it to you. So commit it, you know, commit yourself to to finding this community that. Yeah, that is God's plan for for your life.

Lindsey 00:24:01  Yeah. Committed to the Lord. He'll direct your path.

Calvin 00:24:03  Yeah.

Lindsey 00:24:03  And your steps in that. Really good. Well, thank you, everyone, for joining us. As we're talking about this really important issue, not issue this important topic. And it is our desire as reality church that every follower of Jesus Belongs in a local church home.

Lindsey 00:24:23  It doesn't have to be our church. whatever church is that you're there, that you're growing. that you're serving others with your giftings and that you're receiving, care and support from others and following Jesus together because we're not meant to do this alone, that the local church is his idea, and that's his desire for every single person. And so we hope that this episode helps you do that a little deeper. So hope you come back for our next episode. We'll talk to you soon.

Narator  00:24:54  Thanks for tuning in to the Pursue Reality podcast. Reality church is a local church in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. To learn more or get connected, visit us at.