PRP 50 | Navigating "Tricky" Family Dynamics at Christmas - A Better Christmas Series

The holidays are meant to be joyful—but let’s be honest, family gatherings can also be complicated. In this episode, Pastor Lindsey sits down with Brad and Kate Aldrich—licensed therapists, coaches, and mental health professionals—to talk about navigating those tricky family dynamics that surface during Christmas.

Together, they unpack why old tensions resurface, how to set healthy boundaries (and when to simply take a bathroom break!), and how grief, expectations, and family history shape our experiences around the table. Whether you’re dreading an awkward dinner or hoping to build new traditions with grace, this conversation offers wisdom, humor, and hope for finding peace and connection in the midst of it all.

Resources Mentioned:

Download the Reality Church Advent Guide

🎧 Still Becoming One Podcast  (Apple or Spotify)

Aldrich Ministries - Brad & Kate's services and resources

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Transcript

Speaker 1 00:00:09  You're listening to the new reality podcast from Reality Church. Each episode is a conversation about what it means to be real people pursuing a better reality in Jesus.

Lindsey 00:00:27  Welcome, everyone. Thank you for joining us on the podcast. My name is Lindsay and I'm one of the pastors here at Reality Church, and I am super excited for this episode. Actually, two episodes that we are going to have with some really special people to our church family, and that is Brad and Kate Aldrich. They are sitting here with me. It's good to have you guys here.

Kate 00:00:51  We're glad to be here. Yeah, thanks.

Lindsey 00:00:52  We are Brad and Kate. Well, they are friends of mine, but they're part of the reality family and they are mental health experts. Can I say that?

Kate 00:01:02  Sure, if you want to. I like Brad's embracing, and I'm like, I don't know. Okay.

Lindsey 00:01:07  Not as I think you should embrace it. Okay. Yeah. I had you speak at a mental health seminar that makes you.

Lindsey 00:01:12  That's all the credentials you need. and, yeah, they are, special people and have impacted a lot of lives through their ministry. And maybe you guys could just introduce yourselves a little bit and share a little bit about what you do.

Kate 00:01:26  Okay. Yeah, sure. Brad and I are, coaches, and we get to hang out with people, talk about, and process life with them. I specifically do a lot of work with people on their stories, which kind of is just going back into their past. And what are the things that you have experienced, and what is it written on your heart and how is it playing out now in your current life? So that's kind of what I spend most of my time doing, just chatting with people. Believe it or not, having really great I don't know how you would define what you do.

Brad 00:02:01  I get to do a mix. I do a lot of the story work kind of things too. But I also am a licensed marriage and family therapist, and so I do sometimes work with people around kind of the more traditional things of dealing with depression or anxiety and those kind of things, on top of dealing with complex family issues.

Lindsey 00:02:20  Yes. And that is one of the reasons why I brought you guys on today. We are in a series on Christmas and really how to make Christmas, the best Christmas that we've had. Not perfect, but really wanting everyone in our church to be intentional about it, and especially around the topic of navigating. And I know this is an emotion where because my therapist tells me this, but navigating tricky family dynamics over Christmas. I feel like everyone hears that and they know what tricky family dynamics are. Yeah. And we can say that a lot. But it is true that at the holidays, especially at a time like Christmas, we it's a very social holiday. Yeah. Holidays or something where you gather with people you love. but it also touches on family and traditions and gathering with those people that we have a lot of history with. Right. and I think pretty much everyone, if you're a human being, deals with this on some level. Oh, absolutely. Realizing, hey, there's I'm about to see someone in my family or a friend from, you know, that I have a long history with.

Lindsey 00:03:35  And that feels a little tricky, even if that's not a feeling word. It feels complicated. and the planning that goes into all that. So I, I think this would be really helpful. And I think one of the things that brought this up is Brad, you saying to me one time, I remember that, or maybe you said it in a sermon at our church that if you know a therapist, buy them a Starbucks gift card around Christmas time because their schedule is crazy. Yes, because why is that?

Brad 00:04:05  Well, we see it all the time is, you know, there is some places where you graduate clients and, and, you know, kind of move on from at least regular sessions. And it is very common that I have people come back in November and December and going, I need to talk about this family thing going on or we're about to go see my parents. So we wanted to kind of touch base and do some planning or like or I just was with them and now I need to debrief.

Brad 00:04:38  Like it's just so common that that brings up a, you know, the need again. And it's just having that resource.

Lindsey 00:04:46  So as you guys work with clients would and that doesn't surprise me. I think if you have a therapist you've booked something with them in December. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah. It does. What would you guys say you noticed are some of the most common themes or things that kind of pop up for people that they want to process, they're anticipating that they're about to face? What are those things?

Kate 00:05:10  I think we hear a lot of traditions, expectations around those traditions, which aren't necessarily bad. It's just it's what we've always done. And, you know, transitioning from when your kids were young and doing those transitions to them all, having potentially families of their own or being out on their own. And then we hear a lot of, you know, parents trying to keep those traditions going, and that can cause a lot of friction because the new family units are establishing their own traditions.

Kate 00:05:45  And so I think that's one area that we definitely hear about. And of course, I also think holidays is a time when we're all together. So we hear a lot about. Expectations around what parents thought your life should look like, or all of that. Or your children.

Lindsey 00:06:06  All the updates are going to happen. What are you. How's work going?

Kate 00:06:10  Yes, all of that.

Lindsey 00:06:11  Did you finish.

Kate 00:06:12  School? The comparison of grandkids, like all of the the things and.

Lindsey 00:06:17  How your kids behave.

Kate 00:06:18  Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Brad 00:06:22  Yeah. And there's just a lot of tension around the relationship anyway. And so it's just pushing all of that into a condensed time that you then add holiday expectations too, because we don't just go to the holiday and just get to be there is this expectation of almost I think every family is, you know, why can't we just get along in the holidays? Why can't we? Why do we have to talk about those things on the holidays? Like. And so then it's Almost a I have to go and put on the right mask, but also be authentic.

Brad 00:06:59  But like and so it's just, it's just a lot and.

Lindsey 00:07:02  Relax and be on my toes.

Brad 00:07:04  And have fun. And yeah.

Kate 00:07:06  I also think we hear a lot about the people entering into the family. Right. So like whoever marries in or or relationships in doesn't have to be married. Like it's very different in foreign to them and how they feel accepted or not accepted. How how the spouse or significant other feels their significant other is accepted or not accepted bring a lot of dynamics as well.

Brad 00:07:34  I remember when.

Kate 00:07:35  We.

Brad 00:07:36  Were dating, then we all went to my grandmother's for I think it was Christmas. Yeah, yeah.

Kate 00:07:45  We never went for Christmas. Yeah.

Brad 00:07:47  You were invited after we'd been dating for a while. You were invited to come and we all sat around, had dinner, and then we all got up and went into the living room and all sat there and looked at each other, and you were like, this is weird. I'm like, oh, this is normal. I remember this for my whole life.

Brad 00:08:05  Like, this is what happens. And it's just the oh my goodness, these dynamics are different thing. That does certainly impact couples.

Kate 00:08:15  Absolutely. Absolutely. And you would come to my house, not my grandparents, but. And everything was so loud. I think you could have really used some earplugs. Oh, yeah. And 20 minutes in the bathroom by yourself. But we only had one bathroom, so, you know, like it. Yeah.

Lindsey 00:08:31  We have those cultural expectations. And all of a sudden, what's normal to one person.

Brad 00:08:36  Is.

Lindsey 00:08:37  Not is not normal to the other person. It might be very stressful.

Brad 00:08:40  It's very. And it.

Kate 00:08:41  Creates.

Brad 00:08:42  Tension in the couple then.

Kate 00:08:43  Yes.

Lindsey 00:08:44  Okay.

Kate 00:08:45  Well because well we're not going to get into this probably. But where's my loyalty like my significant other feels funny here or potentially is growing that relationship. And so like, do I hang with them and try to make them feel comfortable? But mom and dad and siblings have all these expectations and want to pull me away.

Kate 00:09:05  Like, it just there's a lot there.

Lindsey 00:09:07  Well, and then as you guys are highlighting this, then you, as you bring that person in, you instantly double.

Brad 00:09:16  Yes.

Lindsey 00:09:17  All the expectations. Right? Normally not always, but normally vice versa. And now there's two Christmas parties and two New Year's Eve parties. And yeah, in both their sides, they've got both sets of grandparents. Yeah. So the double might be.

Kate 00:09:32  Even more than.

Lindsey 00:09:33  Even more like it's doubling five things into ten things, not one thing into two things. Right.

Kate 00:09:39  Correct. Right.

Lindsey 00:09:40  And everyone's emotionally attached to those things. Correct. It's a lot I'm getting a little knot in my stomach.

Kate 00:09:47  I'm just feeling overwhelmed talking about.

Lindsey 00:09:49  Think, talking about.

Brad 00:09:49  It. I think we all know where the stress is coming from. And you know, it's then the expectations and and we what else what else do you do? Right. Like Kate and I literally we've been together for more than 30 years. And I think for 25 of those, we did two Thanksgivings every that Thursday, every Thanksgiving.

Brad 00:10:12  Right. And it's like, how how do we change this? How do we deal with the fact that it's stressful? Yeah. And it just was for a really long time because it's hard.

Lindsey 00:10:22  So okay, so let me ask you a question. Let's just cancel the holidays. Sure. Okay. And well, there's a there's a saying that says holidays don't create tension. They reveal what's already there. Sure. Do you? Would you agree with that? Like. Or do you think they create a fresh set of tension?

Brad 00:10:42  Both. Both I think I think some of it is that it reveals what's already there. You know, that you could get together any time and you would see some of these dynamics, some of the dynamics. But there is this added stress around the vision of what Christmas is supposed to look like. And then, you know, mom is trying to get everybody to look like the, you know, picture in her head of what's supposed to happen. And so it adds this extra layer of tension.

Kate 00:11:15  Not only moms.

Brad 00:11:15  Dads too. So I totally I'm just.

Kate 00:11:18  It's like you've gotten us out there.

Lindsey 00:11:20  Yeah. Okay, so now that everybody's got a little knot of anxiety in our stomach, and I think that's it's good. It's healthy to get in touch with that because this it's there and we're all about to walk into it. Right. Right. On probably some level. maybe just a little. And it's a, a two on the Richter scale. But for some people they're like oh no this is like a yeah a seven, eight, nine on the Richter scale. Oh yeah, and it takes me January, February, March to just kind of regroup and recover from that. Right. so if they're feeling that right now, what would you encourage them are some first steps. In order to start how to think about that and how to navigate that. whether you're single or married because I think there's some common approaches for sure.

Brad 00:12:13  I mean, I think the first thing is to do some work for yourself about where do you put the boundaries.

Brad 00:12:21  What are the conversations that you know are going to be landmines that you don't want to have? You could probably list those out pretty quickly. You're like, I know I don't want to get into a politics conversation with this crowd. Right. Yeah. And we.

Kate 00:12:38  This.

Brad 00:12:38  Person, this or this person. Right. But we also kind of feel hopeless about that because it's all they talk about. Right. So you you're like, so does that mean I just avoid them the whole night or like so first like list what are the landmines. And then that's the boundaries I don't want to go there. But we also have to do the work to go okay where am I going to go when that conversation starts? Where am I comfortable? Where do I want to take it and think through the.

Lindsey 00:13:08  Being proactive.

Brad 00:13:09  The proactive so that when you know the uncle says something untoward, what what do you how do you want to respond? Do you want to be direct and have a direct response? That's fine.

Brad 00:13:23  Do you want to move the conversation into a different place that you feel comfortable about?

Kate 00:13:30  Do you want to get up and go to the bathroom?

Brad 00:13:32  Yeah. Do you want to get out, like have a plan, a.

Kate 00:13:35  Drink.

Brad 00:13:36  That gives you some places of this is what I want to do.

Lindsey 00:13:39  Okay. This is so brilliant. And this is really good that you're helping a lot of people right now because I think what what you're identifying and having this conversation now is so helpful because what happens and we do it every Christmas or Easter or you name it is we just walk in without a plan and we just hope some miracle it'll be different. And what happens in those moments is in rural humans. And we've got some trauma history with these people. Right? And we freeze. We feel like we've got no options. Right. Like, I I'm stuck. What am I supposed to do? And we might go into. Well, I guess the solution is I'm never going to show up to this Christmas again.

Lindsey 00:14:18  Yes. And then maybe we just do it again and say that. But what you're saying is, hey, pause and say, what do you know is going to happen? Because we know. Right. Based on history, barring a miracle that uncle Tom is.

Brad 00:14:33  Going.

Lindsey 00:14:33  To Uncle Joe, whatever you know is found Jesus in some significant way. It's going to happen. So make a plan and a strategy for. How do you want to deal with that? Yeah. What? Give me some ideas. Okay. What would it be like? Could you give me some real world examples? Like you said, go to the bathroom. Yeah. Is that an option? Can I just say. You know what? If I get in that conversation, I'm going to look at the person and say, like, is that a cop out or is that actually healthy? I'm going to look at them and say, I actually have to use the bathroom. I've had a lot to drink tonight.

Kate 00:15:07  I, I think it's very healthy.

Kate 00:15:09  I think, as Brad was saying. Like, I think checking in with our own bodies, knowing what we can handle, knowing what we can't. And then I encourage work mainly with women, but not only I talk, I use the word accommodations and I say, what accommodations do you need to have ready in your mind? It's great if you don't have to end up using any of them. But I, and I've taught all of our young adult kids to the bathroom is always an option, usually wherever you are, to get out of a situation that feels whatever. Right. And so I think sometimes it's okay to just say like, oh, sorry. You know, I need to. I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a little bit. And whether you come back or not is. Yeah. I mean, or if you go find another crowd to talk about and, and I think so that's a really practical one. I think reminding yourself you can get up and get something to eat or something to drink or I need to go check on this person or.

Kate 00:16:01  Oh. My phone just buzzed. I'll be right back. Like, I think there it is. Honoring what we feel in our body, what we feel is too much. And we. These are people, as you said, we have trauma history with. But we also love and want to honor. Yeah. So if it's not time and I can let Brad talk more about like boundaries, what is an accommodation that you could have. And I know like thinking for Brad and I for a long time I said, you know, could you just, like, keep an eye out for me at your holiday gatherings and not just abandon me all the time? Not that he was, and that's a strong word. Yeah, but I felt.

Lindsey 00:16:40  That in our bodies, We feel that way. I've. I've been abandoned here. Yes, I'm on my own.

Kate 00:16:44  I didn't have a lot of in common with some of his family members, and so it just felt lonely. And I felt like I don't really even know what I'm doing here.

Kate 00:16:54  So I asked him for that. And I know he found that very helpful with my family as well, to not just be on his own because they're just loud and crazy. So and, and I think maybe if there's someone else in your family, a cousin that you love, a sibling that you love, maybe you can have some sort of same thing where you guys are communicating, texting like, oh, like sometimes we can also laugh it off. Yeah. And so Brad and I, sometimes we'll text each other and be like, wow, did you hear that? Yeah. And we're not actually throwing it around to be disrespectful. We're just like actually using it to process. It's there. Yeah. And kind of let it go to some extent.

Lindsey 00:17:38  So what One thing that I hear from people a lot is, and this is really good, but what I need to do is set boundaries and tell them this is unacceptable behavior, and they're not allowed to do that. And they need to respect my boundaries.

Lindsey 00:17:57  Right. And so what I'm hearing from you guys is sometimes do you feel that tension?

Kate 00:18:04  Yeah, 100%.

Lindsey 00:18:06  Does that have a place.

Brad 00:18:07  Or does have a place that is a very direct wall boundary. Right. And that is one type of boundary. I think what we're suggesting is that it doesn't have to be the only type. Yeah, right. So we can also, you know, you can get up and leave a conversation and, and kind of just do it that way. We can also plan where we want to take these types of negative conversations. So for example, one of the things that I hear all the time is people going I hate the grandkid comparison. Johnny's baseball team went to the championships. How did yours do? Right. Like that? Kind of. They know that kind of conversation is going to come up. They see it all the time and they hate it and come up with a plan. How do you want to talk about things? How do you want to address that? Do you get into that grandkid arm wrestling or do you somehow move it and change the topic? Do you go, oh, you know what, Johnny really was learning this in school this time, and he was really enjoying this.

Brad 00:19:10  And we don't have to do the comparison game. Like, you can move the topic in a different direction. And that takes some pre thinking right, of how you want it to go. that can be really helpful in doing that. Right. And that's it is still holding a boundary.

Kate 00:19:28  Yeah.

Brad 00:19:28  Right. It's allowing you to have that boundary and and remember what's inbounds as much as you're talking about what's out of bounds.

Lindsey 00:19:38  Yeah, that's really, really good. Do you want to add something, Kate?

Kate 00:19:41  No, I was just going to say, and I think probably accommodations would be more on the line. I would encourage people of self-care. Yeah, there more self-care of how do I care for myself during this time in a way that's honoring to me, but also hopefully honoring to the people around. And sometimes self-care is boundaries, but sometimes it's not. Like Uncle Joe, as we said, may never change his conversation style, right? He probably won't. And and maybe it's a space where you don't think that firm boundary could even be honored or understood.

Kate 00:20:14  And so you're just like, you know, I'll I'll chat Uncle Joe up for a while, and then when I'm feeling like I can't handle anymore, I will politely see myself out. So I think just remembering.

Lindsey 00:20:25  Good for people to hear because I find not exclusively, but sometimes with younger couples, they're hoping the boundary will change people's behavior. Correct? Yeah. And that's. Yeah!

Brad 00:20:37  Whoo! The boundaries just keep to that.

Lindsey 00:20:40  Lets them. Yeah.

Brad 00:20:41  Right, it. And it is. You know, I always kind of teach and think about boundaries as, like, you picture the fantasy, you know, Castle, you know, there is the outer wall. That is. I'm keeping all of these people out. Right? But then, you know, there's a gate. And if they come through this way, here's the way to do it. But there's actually several different walls and there's several different places of how close people get. You get to determine who gets into those inner bounds and who doesn't.

Lindsey 00:21:14  I really like that.

Brad 00:21:15  And like, you don't have to keep everybody out as this hard either.

Lindsey 00:21:22  Outer in is the only two choices.

Brad 00:21:23  Not it really isn't. It's you know what these people don't get into the deeper what do I actually think or believe? They don't have to. You can still have a nice, polite conversation with them. And I think one of the places it gets hard is we want our family to be in that deeper inner place. And many times they aren't.

Lindsey 00:21:44  Okay, can we just pause there? I think that is so important. Is it? When I hear from you, it's almost like we're using these boundaries because we don't want to accept the grief. Correct. That this is the reality of our family relationships. Correct? It's the reality is I have to pre-plan a bathroom trip, possibly when my heart's desire is we would all show up and it would feel connected.

Brad 00:22:08  I would love them to actually see me and accept me and.

Lindsey 00:22:12  And rather grieve that right than keep hoping.

Lindsey 00:22:17  Yeah. That this other reality is actually true when it's not correct. Yeah. Okay. And I think if you're listening that, Man, I feel that with you, it's just I feel emotional actually thinking about it because it's so hard to come to this point of accepting this is actually where it's at. Right? And that's what you guys are saying, right? This when you're pre-planning what's going to happen, what you're saying is this is actually where it's at. And that's that's really tough.

Kate 00:22:40  That's the bind. But I think many of us find ourselves in that bind. Yeah, we want our family to be that deep in our circle, but it's just not reality. And there are people that are like family who have that space. But usually we're spending our holidays with the people we are related to. So like, you know, and it's just yeah, it's a bind.

Lindsey 00:23:02  Let me ask you another, tricky one. And that is how do you navigate or what would you recommend? One of the common things I hear is especially younger couples, newly married is kind of a trigger point of that or having kids, and then they get to the point where they're like they they attempt for maybe two, three, four years of making everybody happy, keeping all their childhood traditions alive.

Lindsey 00:23:32  And then they get to the point maybe earlier rather than later whenever. We can't keep this up. Yeah. Right. How. How do you. What's some words you could give couples on how to navigate that. because the couple doesn't always agree. The husband or wife is attached to the way that they did it all growing up and wants to keep those traditions of. Sure. We went to the cabin in the Poconos every Christmas. And, you know, the wife's like we went to, I don't know, Florida or or we never left our house and we did all these things. Yeah. but number one, would you agree you can't keep it up?

Brad 00:24:12  I think the the question.

Kate 00:24:14  Like.

Lindsey 00:24:14  A lot.

Brad 00:24:15  Comes what are it needs to shift from? How do I meet my parents expectations to how do we develop traditions for our family. And that's where that shift is happening. And so then the couple needs to sit down and go, what are the traditions that we want for us and our kids that our kids will carry on and they'll argue about with their wives when you know.

Brad 00:24:39  Yeah, right. Like, what are those things? And if they can look at it in this place of what are our traditions that we want, then I think there is a back and forth between the couple of trying to meet what that looks like. Yeah.

Kate 00:24:54  Can I can I add something for the future? Because this is something I'm really passionate about. And whenever I speak to someone about the holidays, I encourage them, you know, come up with your plan, know your story so you know what is happening at the holidays for you. And a lot of what's happening for your parents and things like that. But then I always encourage them, remember, you can change it for the future. So I think that's something. And it's not exactly what we're talking about here, but Brad and I are very passionate about for our four children. How can we attempt to do this very differently. Obviously they're going to some of them, or maybe all of them will have partners and they'll be in our family and whatnot.

Kate 00:25:39  And we that brings lots of other dynamics. But how can we attempt to lean into the fact that people may have other families, and what does that look like? And can we celebrate Christmas on December 15th? Yes. If everybody can get together then or maybe we only see one family of our four kids and like, can we do it differently and allow them to figure out their holiday traditions? And Brad and I can fit in to what they have going on.

Lindsey 00:26:11  If I could just be the pastor for a moment. Part of this has to do with your definition of what's happening when somebody gets married.

Brad 00:26:17  Correct?

Lindsey 00:26:17  Yep. That by definition, and I know the couple gets it, but the parent, the parents, the in-laws don't get it. Yep. And we use these, you know, cliche Bible leave and cleave. but they are creating a new family unit that is attached. There's a legacy, but they are a new family unit. They're no longer your children in the same way. Exactly.

Lindsey 00:26:39  And I don't know, I think sometimes a lot of parents of the couple have not accepted that. And yeah, it becomes evident every Christmas. Correct.

Kate 00:26:49  I would agree. Yeah, I would agree.

Brad 00:26:50  And I think the families that I know, like every once in a while, will have a couple come to us where one family this seems pretty easy and the other family, it's really difficult. And so we end up talking more about one. The things that make it easy is that the parents have said, we want you to fit in where it makes sense. We want to fit in with you where it makes sense. There's just they have dealt with their own expectations. I don't want to say there isn't any. Of course they do, of course, but they've dealt with their own grief of, oh, well, maybe my kid won't be able to be here on the 25th.

Lindsey 00:27:30  And our traditions are.

Brad 00:27:31  Changing, and that's okay. Exactly. And being able to hold that loosely has actually, in most of the times I see, made much better relationships in the long term.

Lindsey 00:27:41  I just want to encourage anyone that's listening that is a parent of adult kids or grandparents. The gift that you can give your kids and the gift honestly you're giving yourself. Yeah, because is the tension and the break in relationship worth it? Correct. Exactly. To hold on to this and demand this. And I know these are hard things. Those traditions are special. And you've got opinions about how they raise their kids and how they parent and concerns maybe even, like, really legitimate. I don't want to minimize those. Sure. But the gift you give to to your family and even your relationship is I always say it's not worth it. Like, what's worth it is the connection, right? And if your kids come to you. If my kids and I, I hope. Say this with hope. But if my sons come to me with their new wives and grandkids or whatever, if they get married, I don't know and say, we want to celebrate Christmas on December 1st. I'll be like, name the time and place.

Lindsey 00:28:47  Right? Yes. Right. I don't care as long as I get to do something special with you. Yeah. We want to eat different food and do something different. And we. We're not even going to see you in Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. That's the decision we made. I'd be like, great. I don't care what the calendar says.

Brad 00:29:03  Correct.

Lindsey 00:29:03  I don't care. And I just want to encourage you like it's not worth it. Right. To hold on to the traditions. But you lose the connection.

Brad 00:29:11  Yeah. And I will even add to that. I mean, one of the tension ones that I hear. I totally agree. Time is a big tension one, but the other one is the everyone has to be here at the same time.

Lindsey 00:29:25  Speak to that.

Brad 00:29:26  It's hard. It is one of those ones that is part of the vision expectation of.

Lindsey 00:29:31  When you take a photo together.

Brad 00:29:33  We all do it all together. All you know. And that just may not be realistic.

Lindsey 00:29:38  That's. I'm glad you said that. There might be a reality of we. It's December 1st.

Brad 00:29:44  With these ones and this one like and and that may just be schedule that may be travel that there could be a lot of different factors. It's not even like the siblings don't get along it. It could just be reality.

Lindsey 00:29:57  I've heard some families really mature, like grandparents declare like a June family day. Sure. And they just totally remove it from the holiday pressures. And it's some random Saturday in June. And they all play pickleball and have a barbecue and they call it good. There's no presents involved. And I thought, that's very mature. Yeah, okay, I'm getting some hope you guys are doing.

Brad 00:30:20  I mean, I hope so because.

Lindsey 00:30:22  Yes.

Brad 00:30:22  It is about how do you build a healthy relationship? But often that does mean checking your expectations about, you know, all the cousins are going to be best friends and that, you know, everybody has to get along and all of these things that we have to check some of those expectations and go, how do we just build healthy relationships?

Lindsey 00:30:44  One closing question.

Lindsey 00:30:46  If there is just people listening, one word of advice or wisdom or one place to start that you would just say, if you're feeling that tug in your stomach, whatever the dynamics are. what would you say to them like start here or hear this, this encouragement or hope that you could give them anything in your heart that you would just want to say.

Kate 00:31:10  I think for me it would be and I, I know I go to this all the time, but spend some time the gift to yourself of figuring out your story. Because if you don't know what's playing out for you at the holidays, it is going to be even harder to have a reaction that you don't feel shame about later. Write with your family that you don't leave the family, get together feeling like awful or whatever. And so I think, you know, you cannot change your parents. You cannot make them understand their own stuff, but you can understand yours. And it really, believe it or not, gives you a ton of freedom.

Kate 00:31:52  Yeah, right. And so that that would be what I would encourage you, even though I realize that's maybe you don't have a ton of time for that this year. But you know what? It can always be a goal for next year.

Brad 00:32:02  Yeah, I would add the couple piece to that. If you're, you know, married in a relationship, sit down with your spouse and say, I would love to hear what were the best parts about Christmas when you were growing up. And then flip it. What were the hardest parts? What were the parts that you didn't like? Yeah. So and like have that conversation together. That's going to lay the foundation for how to do it better.

Lindsey 00:32:27  I love both those things, because the one I'm noticing is neither one of you said, go tell this person, go change that person. And that's empowering. Yeah, because there is this work that we can do internally with Jesus and that actually is heartfelt. Yeah. Because we can't control other people, but we can do that work in our own lives.

Lindsey 00:32:53  Thank you guys so much. This has been super helpful. I'd love for you to just let people know if they wanted to find you guys, how to and use your services or get connected with what you offer. How do they do that?

Brad 00:33:04  Yeah, absolutely. Well, you can find our podcast on Still Becoming One. You can find us on Facebook or Instagram at Still Becoming One. and on any of the podcast apps, you can just search for us and you can also find our coaching and counseling ministry at Aldrich Ministries Kim Aldrich Ministries.

Lindsey 00:33:25  Com and highly recommend their podcast Still Becoming One. Really good stuff. Lots of great wisdom as you have heard here today. Thank you both for being here.

Kate 00:33:33  Thanks for having.

Lindsey 00:33:34  Us. Helping us. Yeah, thank you everyone for joining us and encourage you to take the steps. engage what you've heard here, because there is a lot of hope. And it can be a Christmas that is filled with hope, filled with really good memories, even if there's some hard stuff in between.

Lindsey 00:33:52  We'll talk to you soon.

Speaker 1 00:33:56  Thanks for tuning in to the Pursue Reality podcast. Reality church is a local church in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. To learn more or get connected, visit us at.