Are You Really Busy, or Are You Avoiding Each Other?

In today’s episode of Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild, we dive deep into the myth of busyness and explore how it may actually be a cover for emotional avoidance in long-term relationships. If your life feels like an endless game of Tetris, juggling back-to-back meetings, appointments, and to-do lists—you're not alone. But what if some of that busyness isn’t just life coming at you? What if it's a way to avoid facing deeper issues in your relationship?

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding the difference between being "busy" and avoiding emotional intimacy
• The metaphor of juggling glass balls vs. rubber balls: Why your relationship is a glass ball that deserves your attention
• How busyness can become a shield from facing tough conversations and deepening your emotional connection
• Reflection questions for couples to assess whether they are emotionally avoiding each other
• Tips on carving out space for emotional presence and connection in your relationship

Reflective Questions to Consider (with Your Partner):

1. What am I juggling right now? Which of these are truly glass and which ones might be rubber?
2. Have I been choosing busyness as a buffer against vulnerability in my relationship?
3. When was the last time I felt emotionally connected to my partner?
4. Are there moments when I avoid slowing down because I don’t know how to be with my partner anymore?
5. What's one small shift I could make this week to carve out space for emotional presence in my relationship?

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Transcript

Do you ever find yourself saying it's just a really busy season of life right now? And then realize you've been saying that same thing for, like, the last three years. You know the drill. Your calendar looks like a game of Tetris played by someone with a caffeine addiction, right? You've got zoom calls overlapping with your kids, soccer practice, a dentist appointment crammed between back to back meetings. How do you even make that happen? Good thing. A lot of us can just be on that Zoom call with our AirPod in while they're drilling into our teeth. And date night consists of sitting in the same room on different screens because we got stuff to do. We're so busy. Have you been there too? Now, yes, life is busy, truly. But what if some of that busyness isn't just life coming at you? What if some of it is chosen, and not because you're lazy or dramatic, but because being busy is safer than being still. Being still might mean being face to face with the person you don't know how to talk to anymore. So today we're diving into the question, are you actually busy? Are you starting to emotionally avoid each other? So go grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship. Reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Speaker 1 2:01 So let's talk about the myth of busyness. It's socially acceptable, right? It sounds responsible and admirable, even like, Oh, they're busy. They have so much going on. They must be needed and important. No one judges you for being a devoted parent, a dedicated professional, a helpful friend, but when your calendar is bursting at the seams every single week for years on end, it's worth asking what's really going on here. Busyness gives us a perfect shield, a shield from conversations we're unsure how to have, from emotional intimacy that feels unfamiliar, from the quiet moments where the cracks in the relationship start to feel louder from that discussion we know eventually we need to have, but it's just so much easier to be busy. Now, I know the word avoidance can feel sharp, right? We don't want to feel like we're avoiding anything because, again, we're high achievers, and we like to like face things on we've got goals. We're going to achieve them, but in reality, you might be avoiding something right now, I want to stretch your perspective here. Avoidance doesn't always look like running away. Sometimes it looks like saying yes to that extra project at work when you didn't need to, volunteering for the school committee, even though you're already maxed out, choosing the dishes, the TV, the endless scroll over, sitting on the couch together in silence, and let's be honest, sometimes it's uncomfortable being around our partner. You might not know what to talk about anymore. You don't want another fight, or you just don't feel emotionally safe. You may have lost some respect or trust feels thin, or the thought of opening up makes your chest tight. So instead, you stay in motion, and over time, you convince yourself it's just a busy season, but it's been years. There's a metaphor I love that I use often about juggling glass balls and rubber balls. Imagine everything you're juggling right now, each responsibility, task, obligation, all of the things we like to believe they're all glass, that if we drop any one of them, it will shatter, and it is our responsibility to keep it going, but that's just not true. Some of them are rubber. They'll bounce, maybe not perfectly, maybe not without some noise, but they'll recover in your relationship, that's a glass ball. It will crack if it's neglected for too long, and in the long term, those cracks show up as disconnection, loneliness, even betrayal or burnout, and eventually that ball will break. So it's worth asking yourself, Am I protecting the right balls? Am I able to actually see what's glass in my life and what's rubber? I've said it before on this podcast, often we see ourselves as that rubber ball. We'll be fine. Same with our relationship. Our relationship will be fine. But those actually are the two primary glass balls you're juggling your health and you right and your relationship. We take them for granted and treat them like they'll just keep bouncing if we stop focusing on them. But if you don't focus on it, who's going to see? Emotional avoidance might look productive, but it comes at a cost. Over time, you stop seeing each other as teammates, the intimacy starts to dry up. You talk logistics, not about dreams. Sex becomes rare or routine. You feel like roommates, and worst of all, you may begin to believe that this is just how long term love is supposed to feel. But it's not. I can't tell you how many couples I've talked to who say to me, this is just the season of life we're in. And we know so many other couples are in this too great. But just like we tell teenagers, if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? Do you think you need to compare yourself to all your friends and go, Well, if they're like this, well, we'll just put our hands up and stop caring, not work at it. No, if anything, it shows you, yeah, the season of life can create a level of disconnection in our relationship, but that's even more reason for us to work on it, even more reason for us to lean towards each other than pull apart. And here's a sore subject. Often for one of the partners, sex and physical connection is the way that they go. We're together, we're romantic. We love each other, and for the other, it's about more emotional and mental connection. So when the person who wants the physical connection, so that they feel loved by their partner, starts to move in and take action, the other partner will reject them quickly, and it'll get to the point where they're in a cycle where they just stay away from each other because they don't want to get hurt and they don't want to get their needs not met. So it's just easier to make sure they're choosing not to get their needs met. So let's pause and reflect. You can listen to these now, and if you're driving or on the go, come back later and write them down. Okay? And I want you to invite your partner to answer them too, but separately, and then I want you to share what you're comfortable with with each other. Okay, the first one, what am I juggling right now? Which of these are truly glass and which ones might be rubber? And I want you to have an honest reflection, because I will tell you I've even had people in the work world go, but if I don't do it, nobody will. But you can go away for two week vacation, and it still gets done, maybe not exactly the way you do it, right? That's that perfectionism that needs to let go of, but I know how to, but it's easier if I do it, but I do it the right way. Let that go. That doesn't mean it's not rubber. You can polish that rubber ball all you want. It's not glass. Sorry. Number two, have I been choosing busyness as a buffer against vulnerability in my relationship? Is it just so much easier to say yes to other things, going out, taking care of stuff on my computer, being on my phone, than sitting down and having a real vulnerable conversation with my partner, which yes, might lead to an argument. Sorry, but at least you're trying three. When was the last time I felt emotionally connected to my partner? Take an honest reflection on this, because often we might go, oh, well, we shared a small moment three days ago, but really emotionally connected with your partner. When was the last time four? Are there moments when I avoid slowing down because I don't know how to be with my partner anymore? You will have to take a deep breath and do some deep introspection on this, because your brain is going to go, no, no, no, I really am busy. I have all this stuff it has trained itself to be able to justify. So you really have to stop and say, Have I started avoiding things because I don't know how to be with my partner anymore, and I will raise my hand in the beginning of my husband I've relationship. When we started having some challenges, I would work longer so I didn't have to come home and have difficult conversations. I did it. It was just so much easier. And frankly, it's what I saw in my parents marriage. My dad would work incredibly long hours when they were having difficulties. That's what I learned it from. I didn't actively know that. That's what was going on. I reflect now, and I see it, and I see it in myself. So I raised my hand absolutely there have been times in the past where I added more to my plate, and I avoided slowing down because I didn't know how to be with my partner, and frankly, I didn't want to face some of the realities of what we needed to face. Okay, last one, number five, what's one small shift I could make this week to carve out space for emotional presence in my relationship, and what does that mean? Exactly. Katie, so emotional presence is getting off your phone asking your partner, how are you how have you been feeling about life lately? How have you been feeling about our relationship? Maybe you know they've been going through some emotional things, some mental challenges, and just asking them how they are. I tend to ask my kids and my husband, how's your brain and how's your heart. With my kids, I always ask first, how's your brain, how's your mind, how's it going, how's your heart? And then sometimes he'll say, and how's your body, because obviously, sometimes physically, we feel tired, but to help them see there kind of are three different areas. But with my husband, I'll just say, How's your brain and how's your heart, and that allows him to decide if he's going to be more of a thing for a feeler in conversation. That's totally fine. But what's one small shift I can make this week to carve out space for emotional presence. Is it around how you ask questions? Is it taking the time to ask questions and is it taking the time to actually sit and listen and not fix or interrupt, right? That's emotional presence as well. Okay, you're not alone in this. Emotional avoidance. Is a quiet pattern that so many high achieving couples fall into. But you can hit reset, you can reconnect, and you don't have to wait until things calm down. Okay? And if you would like support, you always know the relationship game plan call is available for you for free. It's a 45 minute call where I help you really dive into what are the challenges you're facing, what are the blocks that are keeping you from making progress on those challenges, and What's your game plan moving forward? So go reflect on those questions. Take a good look at your calendar and see what are you prioritizing right now? Because I imagine you're going to notice there's probably some areas where you haven't been prioritizing the glass ball of your relationship like you should be. I'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.