Balance & Beyond
Balance and Beyond is the podcast for ambitious women refusing to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive and where you have the power to define success on your own terms.
Balance & Beyond
The Hidden Ways You're Breaking Your Own Boundaries (Even When You Say No)
As you jump into this week’s episode, don’t forget to check out our brand new Boundaries Workshop! Click on the link here to sign up now! https://www.balanceinstitute.com/boundary-workshop-2025
"You said no, you blocked the time, you set the boundary, so why are you still resentful and exhausted?"
This question cuts to the heart of what many ambitious women experience – the frustration of doing everything "right" in boundary-setting yet still feeling drained. The answer, as we explore in this episode, lies in the subtle yet powerful concept of boundary leaks.
Beyond the initial challenge of giving yourself permission to say no, there exists a more advanced level of boundary work that few discuss. We uncover three major ways your energy continues to leak despite setting theoretical boundaries: emotional over-functioning (making sure everyone's okay with your no), over-explaining (defending and justifying your decisions), and incomplete delegation (handing off tasks while still carrying the mental load).
These patterns stem from our deep discomfort with allowing others – and ourselves – to experience the natural consequences of our boundaries. We've been conditioned to believe that others' emotional responses are our responsibility, leading us to exhaust ourselves trying to prevent any possible discomfort. The irony? This very effort often creates the burnout we're trying to avoid.
What would it look like to break what we call "the sisterhood contract" of female over-functioning? To deliver a no with a period at the end – no apologies, no explanations? To truly delegate not just the task but the outcome? This is where true personal power resides, in choosing authenticity over performance, even when that means embracing the messiness of real boundaries.
Ready to move from knowing you should set boundaries to actually holding them with confidence? Check out our boundaries workshop with a bonus "saying no" guide in the show notes to support your journey toward boundaries that actually restore your energy rather than deplete it.
To view the Transcript from this week's episode, visit our Balance & Beyond Podcast webpage: https://www.balanceinstitute.com/podcast/2025/101
Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself!
If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, here are our socials where you can discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women create a life of balance.
Website: www.balanceinstitute.com
Podcast Website: https://www.balanceinstitute.com/podcast
Email: jo@balanceinstitute.com
LinkedIn: https://au.linkedin.com/in/stonejoanne
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/betterbalanceinstitute/
Instagram: @betterbalanceinstitute
Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast!
Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here we're committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive and where you have the power to define success on your terms. I honor the space you've created for yourself today, so let's take a breath and dive right in. You said no, you blocked the time, you set the boundary, so why are you still resentful and exhausted? Because most women set boundaries in theory, not in practice. Today, we're revealing the sneaky ways your energy is still leaking and how to plug those holes for good. Jacqueline joining me today. What is going?
Jaclyn:on.
Jo:This is an advanced concept that we're talking about and that we see when people are spending a lot of, investing a lot of time energy and money in continual learning.
Jaclyn:Saying no is kind of the first hurdle, right. It's giving yourself permission to say no. So many of the women coming to us like that's the first gauntlet. But if you're tuning in, you know you might still be working with that gauntlet and you might feel like actually I have been saying no. Give yourself a pat on the back and we want to offer you a more advanced way of checking in with your power and your boundaries around no. So congratulations, you said no. Now we want to ask you an important question Are you holding any apology around that no? Are you explaining, defending your no? Are you secretly regretting it or feeling guilty? So these kind of secret, stealthy, sneaky ways that our energy is still bound up in what felt like an empowering choice. Saying no, we were not totally letting go. So I know that there's three ways that you've broken this down, joan. We can go through each one of those if you want, but yeah, that's just my. My introduction is to consider that saying no is the first step.
Jo:Yeah, Cause boundary leaks aren't always visible. So this is what we're seeing. Is that there's the obvious I'm saying yes to everything, I'm completely overloaded. But there is this more subtle, nuanced pattern that is really important for us to share and, as we mentioned, this is advanced levels. So, first up, say no, really really important. However, there is a lot more nuance that sits under that, once we've learned how to do it. So let's talk about the first way that we are leaking our energy. When it comes to boundaries, Jacqueline, this word emotional over-functioning it's a no, but it's not. What is it?
Jaclyn:Yep, it's making sure that other people are okay with your no, essentially. So I said no, but now I got to go make sure that everyone's okay. I might have to bend over backwards and make up for my no in another way yeah, apologizing for your no, and yeah, at the end of the day, it's like you have to earn back that no, because I said no. Now I have to make up for it. So it's a sneaky way that we thought we could congratulate ourselves for saying no and then we end up emotionally over-functioning, overly caretaking other people's feelings.
Jo:Yeah, and that's what it comes down to, isn't it? It's something that we've not really been taught how to do, and that's how to be okay with others' discomfort. You've said, no, they don't like it. Maybe they now have to do something they didn't want to do, or they now have to go to extra effort, and we can't sit in that we make it mean something about ourselves that we've overstretched, or we're now mean, or we're selfish, or all of these patterns that are really, really prevalent.
Jaclyn:Mm-hmm. Yeah, another way is to, because you're worried about saying no. So, to avoid saying no, you to kind of do all this gymnastics to make life easier for this other person, right, like it's your spouse, and you don't want to say no to picking the kids up. So then you go through all this gymnastics of making okay, so I'll make sure I pack the lunches for the kids. So if he's going to, if I'm going to ask him to pick up the kids because I'm going to say no to picking up the kids, then I made it easy for him to pick up the kids. So now I don't even really have to say no, because he'll obviously want to pick up the kids, because I went all the extra mile to make his life easier, et cetera, et cetera. So it's all this like extra gymnastics, essentially to soften the blow of our no or to avoid saying no or whatever. It's a funny little thing we do.
Jo:But it can be a huge energy leak, can't it? You mentioned this? Mental and emotional gymnastics instead of owning our no and being clean in it, which is, let's be honest, a lot harder to do.
Jaclyn:Oh my gosh. Yeah, absolutely, I mean this. These are advanced concepts that we're introducing here, like the first step is just giving having the permission to say no and then, once you say no, then you'll be contending with all these other sneaky ways that the people pleaser in you is going to be rioting and you're going to want to start appeasing, and those are all energy lakes, or power lakes, as we like to say. So, yeah, so it's important to start looking out for this.
Jo:Another way that we break these own boundary, our own boundaries, without realizing it is we over-explain. So this is part of the mental gymnastics, isn't it? We say no, but instead of saying no and just owning it, what does over-explaining look like?
Jaclyn:Defending, basically just over-talking it. But it's all about defense. Are you sure you're going to be okay? The reason why I'm doing it is this reason. It's all again around the discomfort, like not, it's, it's. You give yourself the permission, you say no and then you're backtracking on the permission you gave yourself. So over-explaining is this way of? Is it okay? Let me prove to myself and to you that it is okay with all this over-explaining. Is this way of? Is it okay? Let me prove to myself and to you that it is okay with all this over-explaining. I'm not being selfish, right, like just wanting that validation from yourself, from whoever. Yeah, explaining yourself away really.
Jo:Yeah, and it can be really. I guess you have to learn to step into discomfort when you start doing this, because I know I used to be a big over-explainer and I'm not as much anymore. I recently said no to something at my daughter's school and I had people almost fishing for my reason. And I simply said I would love to help, but now's not a good time, and they almost were looking at me like and.
Jaclyn:And the reason why it's not a good time. You must justify it.
Jo:There's. I don't need to justify that, it's my no, I sleep very well at night. That's my no. And there was this but but. But you can't, you can't just do that. And there's almost this sisterhood of we both over-explain and we both apologize and we both over-justify and you're breaking the damn sisterhood rule.
Jaclyn:You're not Just do it that way. It's actually so true, but I love that Be the rule breaker and be the first person to set a new precedent, for my no has a period at the end of it, and that's good and clean and awesome.
Jo:Yeah, my no is my no, as you say, with no explaining. And then another way particularly when it comes to home and this happens at work as well is how our boundaries leak and become a bit more porous is we will delegate, which means we're not going to do the thing, but we don't actually let it go fully do we, we don't fully delegate it.
Jaclyn:Yeah, totally, let it go fully, do we don't fully delegate it? Yeah, totally, micromanaging, hovering like helicoptering with the kids or with people at work um, yeah, it's energetically still managing it. So you're not, you haven't really delegated it. You've delegated it the manual labor, but not the mental labor. So all three, like the thread through all three of these is there's still this emotional mental labor that you're attending to. Even though you said no, you're still saying yes, with investing your energy and your, your mental energy, your emotional energy, which is a big distinction.
Jo:Yeah, ironic right. It's like, yes, I'm saying no, but I'm actually more exhausted than ever, because it's really hard to say no. Yeah, it's really hard to say no, but it's even harder when you say no and you continue to over-function, over-explain and hold on to everything.
Jaclyn:Yeah, oh, man, man, as women, we really we have a funny agreement, we have a funny sisterhood, don't we Like? Well, we're all in this stupid contract together, this weird agreement to over-function and all these things. So nobody break the contract, but actually, please, somebody break the contract.
Jo:Show me that it can be done.
Jaclyn:Yeah, and that's why women come to us, because this is we're kind of like a place where women get to break the rules and start a new precedent in their lives, right?
Jo:And what is, I think, the hardest part when you delegate and actually let go, you have to let go of the outcome and how it's done, which is what women aren't very good at. So one of the big things early on in my journey, I said to my husband right, I'm delegating. The dog needs to go to the vet. We agreed that he was going to do it. The old me would have checked in once a week. When's the dog booked in? Do you need me to take? When are you taking the dog to the vet? When are we going to fit that in? Have you booked the dog? And I would constantly be this hypervigilant. Has he booked the dog in? Has he booked the dog in? Instead, I just went. You know what Worst case if the dog doesn't go to the vet for six months, he has to wear the consequences of that.
Jo:So this is what women are terrible at is we try to let go, we try to delegate, but we still hold it and we still check and we still worry. It's like just do it in the first place. So you either got to delegate it and be clean in your boundary and understand that it might get done differently to a different timeframe, or as you get better at delegating, you agree with the person you're delegating it to. So we need to book the dog into the vet You're going to take it, and when do you agree to book the dog in by? This happens at work all the time. It's like here, can you take this report off my hands? But you don't actually say can you take the report off my hands? But you don't actually say can you take the report off my hands? I need three pages of the report completed by next Friday on my desk on this topic. And then we wonder why we're constantly checking in and nagging and resentful of them because we haven't done it properly.
Jaclyn:Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah, we haven't been taught how to create those agreements, to be explicit and then to really let it go Right To once the agreement is made. Okay, I let, I let it fully go. I'm not going to over function. Make sure that that person's okay and taking care of themselves while they go make the appointment for the vet. I can trust that they can take care of themselves while they go make the appointment for the vet. I can trust that they can take care of themselves.
Jaclyn:Same thing with, yeah, the over-explaining, the deli, all of these pieces.
Jaclyn:Oh yeah, I was like we don't want to be with the consequences in both ways, like what I mean is we don't want to let the other person be with the consequences because that's painful for us to watch.
Jaclyn:So if something happens with the dog and then your husband has to deal with the consequences because that's painful for us to watch, so if something happens with the dog and then your husband has to deal with the consequences, the dog has to deal with the consequences and then you have to watch those two dealing with the consequences and those are your consequences. And I think that's what happens is that we were like, well, I don't want those consequences of them dealing with the consequences. So I'm just going to eliminate that to begin with, like it's a weird mathematical equation that we already do unconsciously immediately, like I'm just going to avoid them the mess that could result. It might not even result, but just in case that mess happens, I don't want to be with that mess and so I'm just going to handle everything. So I think that's one thing that happens. So how can we build enough resilience to be with the discomfort of people, of the mess, of whatever that might look like?
Jo:And that's how we start slipping into martyrdom, right? Well, I'll just take it all. I'll just do it all, because what's the point? I don't want to deal with their mess, or I don't want to deal with the discomfort, so I'll take it all. And then we wonder, when we're spending all our time juggling or, you know, feeling, swimming in resentment. Oh, you know, this isn't fair. And why do I feel this way, this way? And well, unfortunately, you created your reality. As much as you would like to not think. That's the case.
Jaclyn:You did for a whole range of reasons that aren't often your fault, but you get to be responsible for changing it yeah, it's like enabling it and and I think there is some truth to the matter that it might be really sucky to be with a mess should said person fail to meet the agreement that you agreed to, right, um, there is consequences potentially for the dog and everybody watching that, which could be awful, and I, and I think that's it.
Jaclyn:I think we're just really don't want to be with anything painful, um, because for obvious reasons and there is a reality to that but at the end of the day, we're going to make ourselves crazy, trying to avoid pain all the time by taking control of everything.
Jaclyn:So, at the end of the day, we it's like we need to meet pain, potential pain, and and learn how to be with it, so that and not only that, but not every situation is going to be painful Like it could be a really great learning or maybe they'll be successful, like whatever, whatever it is, how can the husband learned how to take more initiative and do more around the house if we never let him fail or we never let the employee take, take on the report and stuff it up and and then like we need to let people fail and that can be hard, right, because it can reflect on us, but what do we do?
Jaclyn:That's the better question, instead of avoid, like preventing all of the mess, the pain or the failures that reflect on you in some way and it does, in reality, right, like there is a reflection on you at work, there is a painful thing if the dog ends up sick, like whatever, so that my question is what do you want to do about that? Because that's where your work is as a woman. It's like what do I do when things are painful? What do I do when there's a failure and it reflects on me somehow? Who am I going to be then, versus the person trying to constantly like a crazy woman? Stop all that from happening with over-functioning, over-explaining, delegating but not really delegating.
Jo:And then, ironically, it usually ends up happening anyway, because then you take on too much and then things slip through the cracks, and so the failure, the mess, is inevitable, but we still don't accept it. Then we lean into well, I just need to do more, I need to control more. So it's ironic that we spend a lot of energy trying to avoid something happening and it becomes a self-linked prophecy anyway. Yeah, so yeah, the irony of how we live our lives is insane, right?
Jaclyn:it. It's insane, it's crazy making. But yeah, I think, if you take anything from listening to this episode, hopefully it's asking that maybe a higher quality question of who do I want to be in the face of failure or pain, and am I willing to be to take that risk on, or the risk of success, versus tightly controlling everything, because I'm too afraid to meet, to meet those moments?
Jo:Hmm, which, ultimately, is a question about how do we own our power right? We often talk about, yes, we can boundary our time, we can boundary our energy, but on the other side of those boundaries is our true selves, is what really matters is our personal power, is our opportunity to live full, authentic lives, which is the thing that most women tell us constantly that they want. Instead of all of this performing and all of this over-functioning, it's time to put that down and unlock what's really there.
Jaclyn:Yeah, so it's actually more about living your life boldly and powerfully versus performing really strong. Does that make sense? The performing really strong comes with, like all these golden handcuffs and micromanaging, whereas living powerfully is messier and riskier and more painful potentially, but fruit more is more freedom and authenticity and self-expression. So you choose your. You choose your path.
Jo:You choose your path, but we know that most women who come to us want the power path. They want the path of authenticity and freedom and joy and fulfillment, because that comes with mess. So if you are someone who is ready to go deeper, we encourage you to check out our boundaries workshop, which includes a bonus saying no guide, so you're going to get the actual strategies to say no, as well as more information on how to hold boundaries. So if you're ready to move from knowing you should set boundaries to actually holding them cleanly, powerfully and without guilt, check out our boundaries workshop. It includes a bonus saying no guide and tools to help you stay in your power even when it's uncomfortable. Check out the show notes to learn more.
Jo:Thanks for joining us today on the balance and beyond podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today and and if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world to us. If you're keen to dive deeper into our world, visit balanceinstitutecom to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next time on the Balance and Beyond podcast.
.png)