The Dark Side of Fierce Independence (Vault)

We challenge the “I can do it myself” script and show how fierce independence can cap career growth, fuel burnout, and create loneliness. We offer a path to bigger impact by asking for help, delegating earlier, and letting yourself be seen.

• the hidden costs of doing it all yourself
• how not asking for help stalls delegation and growth
• why armour and perfectionism block real connection
• the island metaphor for scale and support
• working in your zone of genius with help
• how human tribes model sustainable roles and reciprocity
• practical steps to ask for and receive support

If this resonated, share it with a friend who needs to hear it today
And don't forget to subscribe to Balance and Beyond for full episodes and more of these bite sized breakthroughs

The Balance & Beyond Podcast Hosted by Jo Stone, founder of The Balance Institute

For women who are already succeeding, but beginning to wonder if they're willing to keep losing themselves in the process.

We know high achievers, because we are one. This podcast draws on Jo's 20 years in global leadership and thousands of hours coaching executives and ambitious women: the patterns she sees, how to untangle them, and what it actually takes to keep your success without paying for it with yourself.

If something landed today, there's more where that came from.

And if you know a woman this would resonate with, send it her way.

🎙️https://www.balanceinstitute.com/podcast
🔗 www.balanceinstitute.com
💼https://au.linkedin.com/in/stonejoanne
📷 @therealjostone

Transcript

Welcome And Theme Set

Jo Stone (Host) 0:04

Welcome to Balance and Beyond Moments, your weekly dose of insight, wisdom, and mindset shifts, all in 10 minutes or less. Whether it's a powerful truth, a fresh perspective, or a spark of inspiration, this is your space to pause, reflect, and reset. Let's dive in. I can do it myself. If that was one of the first sentences in your vocabulary as a child, then you are likely a fiercely independent woman. Today I'm going to be sharing with you some of the downsides. While you may think it is serving you, there are actually some significant costs that are having a greater impact than you realize. We've got this entire generation of women who have been brought up to be independent, to not rely on anyone for anything and to do it all ourselves. In many cases, what I'm starting to see is that this fierce independence that we've held up as a badge of honor is actually becoming toxic. I'm saying that it's time for us to recognize and find a better balance. So first and foremost, one of the biggest things when we are independent, fiercely independent, is we don't like asking for help. Because we have decided that in being fiercely independent, asking for help makes us weak. And so when we don't ask for help, no surprise, it all falls on our shoulders. We then get resentful of everybody else because they won't help. Meanwhile, you've taught them not to help. You've brushed them off so many times that why on earth would they offer anymore? Because every time you either rebuff their offer of help, or if you take it, then you overcompensate in other areas. And so it's never this even exchange. Meanwhile, you're probably someone who offers help a lot and you get resentful because you start counting. Like, bang on, I help them and then they won't help me. And we get in this absolute crazy cycle and spin. So not asking for help that it will put a ceiling on how far you can go at work. Because there's only so much one person can do. And so when we won't ask for help, that often translates in a work context to we won't delegate. We won't pass things on to others. And interestingly, I've had a few people lately say to me, Joe, I don't seem to have a problem delegating, but I have a problem asking for help. And this often just comes down to the definitions that we make. So definition, so delegating for many people is a conscious choice. Okay, this isn't my role. I'm going to put that over there. Whereas when you're somebody who is toxically independent, what can happen is that because you don't ask for help, you get resentful, it all banks up. You wait till the last minute, and then it becomes a firefight. And then you are literally becoming the damsel in distress who needs rescuing because, oh my God, I can't do it. And now I need help. And people are looking at you going, hang a second, where's your prioritization here? This was due yesterday, and this actually matters. What have you been doing? Well, you've been doing everything else yourself. What matters is that if you want to progress, you need to learn how to not do it all yourself. This is what get shit done people are. Their identity is based around how much they can do, and usually it's around how much they can do by themselves. Want to do the impossible, they want to do it faster and better than anyone else. All that leads to is a bottomless pit of burnout that never ever ends. We also put up a lot of walls around us. And asking for help is part of being vulnerable. And we have perceived that asking for help means there's something wrong with us because we should better do it all ourselves. And we've now made it mean that asking for help is weak. We have to completely flip this on its head because when you think asking for help is weak, what you do is you armor up. And it's really, really heavy. So you put up walls, you put up armor. It's like, no, no, I can do it. I can do it. People can't actually connect to you because you will not let them see you be weak. And this is where perfectionism weaves in so beautifully. All right, well, I'm gonna do it myself. And to prove, to double down on the fact that I'm not weak, I'm gonna do it perfectly. So many women who are in my world are lonely. They're in search of connection. We can often put then all of that desire for connection on our partner, and that's a lot of burden for one person to hold. And we expect then that they have to be our everything. But of course, you won't ask them for help either, usually. So the walls actually go up at home. And then we get resentful because they won't help, even though we've told them that that's not the case. So this curse of loneliness that is afflicting so many women who ironically are never alone. So everyone says to me, Oh, well, I'm not lonely. I'm never alone. I said, Yeah, you can be incredibly lonely in a very crowded room. That loneliness is not really from other people because you're surrounded by other people. It's that loneliness of actually bringing the walls down and letting people see the real you. Because that's what that loneliness is like. Nobody sees me. Yeah, they see the armored up version of you who is fiercely independent, who can do it herself, who looks like she's crushing life. They see the armor, and then you get upset when they don't see that all is not well. And this was very much my life before I blew it all up. So you can see what a challenge this has for women. And my goodness, this is costing us so much. It's costing us impact because we won't ask for help. We keep everything so small. It's stopping our progression at work. We won't delegate, we won't empower others. Life is really, really heavy when you're carrying armor, when you've decided that to ask for help or to be vulnerable is weak and you have to do everything yourself. This deep sense of loneliness is chronic and it makes you question what's it all for? I've got no one to share this with, no one sees me, nobody appreciates me. This is why often so many women may be given compliments, but they can't actually receive them, because it's almost like they're bouncing off the armor. If you are not prepared to ask for help and want to be truly self-sufficient, what this means is that you are building a life that is so small that only you can handle it because it can only ever be done by one person, because you will not accept help. And when I heard that, my whole inside just went, oh, I have not been someone who's been afraid to ask for help over the last few years. But even still, that made me stop and go, whoa, okay, where am I putting a lid on my potential? Where am I not stepping into true possibility? Because if you want a big life, it's bigger than just one person. It requires support from others. It's almost akin to saying, well, I'm going to build an island, but only I can operate all the machinery and everything on the island because I can do it myself. So you imagine your island is only can only be so big. There's only so much possibility that one person can handle it all. Meanwhile, that person's probably exhausted, burnt out, and resentful. But if you now ask for help, well, your island can get a lot bigger. You get to work in your zone of genius. You get to be doing the things in your life, building the skill sets that you love that are really you, and you're not spending all your time doing things, whether it's tasks or projects or skill sets or areas of your life that don't light you up. So this ironically is the path to fulfillment. We've been told a lie. If we hold on to everything ourselves, we'll control it all. And so we don't have to worry about being disappointed or we don't have to worry about making any mistakes because it's all within our control. Yeah, but is that joyful? Is that where fulfillment lies? And the answer is always no. We are tribal creatures. We are meant to be building bigger islands. We are meant to be operating in our zone of genius. The human species is actually built to live in tribes of between 150 and 200 people. And anthropologists believe that that number is specific for a reason. Anything above that, and it starts to get too big and gnarly and political. And you will find that if you look throughout history, tribes have got bigger than around that 200 and they tend to then splinter off into there's disagreements or there's politics. And this is often true for corporations. Often you think about a business unit, and once it get or a company, once it gets above 200, it starts getting a little hard to handle. But within that 150 to 200, you get to be really good at something. You get to be the best singer or the best hunter or the best person at putting fires. I'm talking about caveman days here. You get to be the best at something, and you only have to do the bits that you enjoy and that you're good at. So I'm hoping that you have got a really good understanding. And I encourage you to reflect on where in life are you stepping into some of these curses? And what is the opportunity for you to ask for more help? Now there's a pretty good chance you're there going, oh my gosh, Joe, oh, I'm doing all of this. I'm putting a cap on my life. I'm actually quite lonely. I don't ask for help. And the way to remedy it is first and foremost, you have to recognize that it has served you us, it's got us a lot of what we have in life. However, you also have to recognize and be honest about what has this cost you? What sense of fulfillment, of enjoyment, of connection is it costing you? And the good part is that this is actually relatively easy to turn around once you do the one thing that you are too afraid of doing. This involves putting up your hand and saying, you know what? The costs are now too great. I am too lonely. I am too burnt out. I am too resentful. I want to build a bigger island. I don't want to do this alone. So you will have to overcome your greatest fear in order to change. Thanks for taking this moment for yourself. If this resonated, share it with a friend who needs to hear it today. And don't forget to subscribe to Balance and Beyond for full episodes and more of these bite sized breakthroughs. See you next time.