Presence Over Calm (Vault)

Calm and confidence sound like the goal, but we unpack how the chase often turns into control and self-criticism. We shift the focus to presence and inherent worthiness so we can respond to life with steadiness, even when it stays busy and unpredictable. 

• wanting calm as a way to control circumstances 
• “I should be calm” as a form of self-attack 
• choosing presence by stopping the moment from being “wrong” 
• noticing disempowering stories and dropping meaning-making 
• acknowledging emotions without spiralling into blame 
• redefining confidence as personal power and self-worthiness 
• separating self-worth from self-esteem and skill building 
• why fake-it confidence can look strong but feel shaky 
• deciding not to tolerate self-belittling and second-guessing 
• accepting a big, full life while staying grounded in choice 

If this resonated, share it with a friend who needs to hear it today. And don't forget to subscribe to Balance and Beyond for full episodes and more of these bite sized breakthroughs.

The Balance & Beyond Podcast Hosted by Jo Stone, founder of The Balance Institute

For women who are already succeeding, but beginning to wonder if they're willing to keep losing themselves in the process.

We know high achievers, because we are one. This podcast draws on Jo's 20 years in global leadership and thousands of hours coaching executives and ambitious women: the patterns she sees, how to untangle them, and what it actually takes to keep your success without paying for it with yourself.

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Transcript

Why People Crave Calm

Jo Stone (Host) 0:04

Welcome to Balance and Beyond Moments, your weekly dose of insight, wisdom, and mindset shifts, all in 10 minutes or less. Whether it's a powerful truth, a fresh perspective, or a spark of inspiration, this is your space to pause, reflect, and reset. Let's dive in. Calm and confidence are multiple states that people keep saying to us, this is what I want, Joey. My life is chaos. I'm looking for calm. Tell me what is really going on when people are saying they want calm on demand.

Choose Presence Over Control

SPEAKER_00 0:37

So what's really going on is people are usually wanting to control their lives, control circumstances. And instead of trying to create calm, we have a better antidote. When I think of calm, I think of measured responses, emotionally neutral. However, what I notice is that people come in trying to get calm by controlling circumstances, weaponizing this idea of calm against themselves. Like, I should be calm. There's something wrong with me because I can't be calm. And so to me, the best thing to cultivate instead is presence. Presence is being in the moment. So you're not trying to change it. You're not making the moment wrong or bad. You're just taking a step back and saying, okay, this is where I'm at right now.

Jo Stone (Host) 1:23

Yeah. And it's always those stories, isn't it, that rob us of the ability to accept. And we're meaning-making machines and we are great at creating stories. What are some of the stories? And where do these stories come from?

How Stories Steal Your Peace

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Man, yeah. So we create all these stories. I think when we create stories that don't feel good, usually they're disempowering stories, like it's their fault. If only my kids would behave, then I could be calm. Or we make a story about ourselves, like there's something wrong with me because I can't be calm. And that's just a habit. It's one way we try to make sense of something. So the good news is that you can break that habit. So instead, notice if you're in a situation where you'd rather feel calm in and slow down, you decide not to make any meaning out of it in that moment. Instead of making a story, I can just acknowledge that right now I'm uncomfortable. I feel upset, angry, sad, whatever is happening without turning it into a story or making it wrong.

Jo Stone (Host) 2:16

So many people listening to this, we create so much meaning around everything because we're too busy in our head weaving layers and layers of story about obligation and it's all on me, and it's any wonder that we can't find calm.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Right. And then we get mad at ourselves for not being calm, which is ironic. Creating less and less calm. So yeah, it starts with being right where you are. What if instead of going down a story that there's something wrong or criticizing someone or something, just being with it? Okay, this is not how I would prefer this to go. So I'm feeling frustrated. But that takes presence, right? It takes acceptance. And then calm can actually result.

Personal Power And Worthiness

Jo Stone (Host) 2:55

So let's say you know we're trying to cultivate more calm. Another state that we're often hearing everybody in our world say that they want more of is confidence. Is there something that we actually need to be cultivating instead?

Self-Esteem Skills Without The Story

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Yep. There's several words for it. I use the word personal power, worthiness or self-assuredness. It's this connection to an unwavering belief in self and your value as a human being simply because you exist. If you're not connected to your inherent worthiness, then you're always going to be trying to prove your worth and your value. There's another component, self-esteem, which is kind of like a branch off of self-worthiness. And self-esteem really has more to do with feeling connected with your skill set. Oh, I have this skill set, I have these tools, I have these strengths. First, connecting to your fundamental worthiness will support your self-esteem. And then when you look at self-esteem, sometimes we do need to develop ourselves in a skill set or we have weaknesses that we might need to strengthen. And that could just be a matter of fact. We don't need to make a story about it. That's the shift right there that's worth looking at.

The Risk Of Fake-It Confidence

Jo Stone (Host) 4:01

Yeah. And so many people, I know I was told early on, just fake it tea, make it Joe. And the danger, it's almost akin to having a table with no legs. So you can have fake it tea and make it confidence. If I looked at you in a meeting, I think, wow, you know, she's she knows her stuff and she's nailing it and she's confident. But what I don't see is the person who is lying awake at night beating themselves up when you've got perhaps a relatively strong self-esteem, but it's not built on a foundation of inherent worthiness. And that's a really interesting piece because everyone comes to us saying, I want more confidence, but they're not asking themselves, do I yet feel worthy, are they?

Self-Doubt Without Self-Destruction

SPEAKER_00 4:44

That's right. That's exactly it. You know, the people that we do perceive as confident, we don't really know what's going on behind closed doors. What I know is that all confident people still experience self-doubt sometimes. It's not that they're impervious to it. It's just that when they are rooted in their personal power, they just don't get taken out by it. Or if they do, not for very long. It's how long are we willing to tolerate doubting ourselves? And we get to decide, we get to choose ultimately. And oh, I don't want to, you know, beat myself up anymore. I don't want to second guess or belittle myself anymore. I'm just gonna quit doing that.

Make A New Declaration

Jo Stone (Host) 5:18

It sounds really simple, doesn't it? I'm just gonna not tolerate this anymore. I heard things like that and thought, oh, that's rubbish. Do they not know that I'm in this room with all these other people and I've got to be on top of everything and I've got to know everything and I've got to prepare? And yet I'm the first to tell you that it literally is that simple. It's when you make a declaration, and it might be that this is something I need to work on. This is now a priority for me to build that inherent sense of worthiness.

Why Women Seek Something Deeper

SPEAKER_00 5:45

That's right. And that's what bring women here to our community, right? Because they know they're starting to hear that whisper that there's something deeper here that that's wanting their attention and they're ready to do that. They're ready to, you know, looking back at calmness, they're they're ready to actually be able to respond and not feel like they're just reactionary all the time. Like they're they're starting to notice I'm just reacting all the time. And I feel like my life, I'm stuck this way, but I there's gotta be a better way, right? And the same thing with with confidence is like, oh, you know, sometimes I can work myself up and put myself up for a meeting, but deep down I still feel a little wobbly. Like I know there's there's gotta be something better than this, like where or there maybe there was a time where they used to believe in themselves and they want to return to that time. And that's really what brings women here ultimately. It's not really the calmness or the the confidence per se that's what they think they want, but what they're really looking for is that ability to cultivate presence in any moment. That's true power, or or to um cultivate that personal conviction, right? And self-worth in any moment. Again, that's true power.

Jo Stone (Host) 6:54

I think it's also important to acknowledge is that the lives we lead are never going to be externally calm in terms of well, I wake up at seven on an island and I somebody brings my breakfast and I just hang out on the island and go to the beach, and my biggest decision is margarita or pina colada. The lives that we have chosen are inherently chaotic. And by chaotic, I more mean there are things, there are lots of people in them, there are lots of moving parts. And so you can choose for it to be chaotic and to cultivate calm, or you can also just accept that this is the life I've chosen. It's a life that's full, it's a life with lots of people, it's a life with lots of energy. And for most of us, it's a life that we wouldn't give up anyway. And likewise, we can acknowledge our intelligence, but we're always the type of people who are gonna want to put ourselves out there and push our comfort zone. Because the reason everyone comes to us is they're in their comfort zone and then it's not good enough. They know that they've got more, they know they've got a lot of potential, and that's what we want.

You Always Have Choice

SPEAKER_00 8:00

That's right. That's exactly absolutely. And underneath all of that, what you were just sharing is is that we have choice. So hopefully, uh, you know, those who are tuning in, it's are waking up, and I suspect that's why they're listening to begin with, because they're starting to wake up from the slumber of I don't have choice. And instead, waking up to the the truth is that you always have choice of who you want to be in the face of anything. And, you know, cultivating presence and cultivating that self-worthiness are two dynamite states of being to cultivate so that you can be with anything.

Share Subscribe And Close

Jo Stone (Host) 8:36

We signed up for a big life. Let's make sure that we can empower everybody in our ecosystem to go and achieve their best one. Thanks for taking this moment for yourself. If this resonated, share it with a friend who needs to hear it today. And don't forget to subscribe to Balance and Beyond for full episodes and more of these bite sized breakthroughs. See you next time.