Modern Parenting In A New Age: Mentor Chehade Richa

Chehade Richa is a dedicated educator and mentor who specialises in parenting strategies for preteens and adolescents, particularly in the context of social media and technology use. With a background in teaching and mentoring, he provides valuable insights into proactive parenting and communication dynamics between parents and children.

Key Takeaways:

• Proactive vs. Reactive Parenting: Parents are encouraged to manage their reactions to foster open communication, making children feel more comfortable sharing their experiences and challenges.
• Impact of Technology on Children: Children often mimic parental behaviors. Therefore, mindful tech usage and creating offline social opportunities are vital for healthy development.
• Family Connections: Strengthening family ties through quality time and open dialogue is crucial in guiding adolescents through life’s challenges.
• Role of Parents in Navigating Social Media: Parents need to engage with their community to align on policies around smartphone usage and social media, reinforcing rules and boundaries.
• Generational Insights: Grandparents play a unique role in upbringing, often providing a balance to modern parenting styles with their experience and wisdom.

Notable Quotes:

1. "Your reaction as a parent will reveal how much your child shows you or tells you." – Chehade Richa
2. "Teenagers want phones mainly to feel connected with their friends and to avoid feeling left out." – Chehade Richa
3. "See your kids in their future and lead them into being a secure, well-formed adult." – Monsignor Shora
4. "Investing time in your children is more valuable than securing properties for their future." – Chehade Richa
5. "In the blink of an eye, your children grow up. You only get one chance at this." – Eddie Reaiche

You and your mental health is important to us. If this episode brought up any heavy emotions, please know you do not need to carry them alone. Reach out to Lifeline, Beyond Blue, or the counselling service at Hills Sanctuary house at hshl.org.au

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Transcript

0:00:00 - (Natalie Moujalli): Hi, and welcome back to Finding Sanctuary. I know our listeners are familiar with Monsignor joining us and Eddie Rich joining us. So thank you for being here.

0:00:08 - (Monsignor Shora): Thank you.

0:00:08 - (Eddie Reaiche): Thank you.

0:00:09 - (Natalie Moujalli): Today we have Shahidi joining us. Shahidi is a teacher and a mentor and above all, a father. And he's coming today to talk to us a little bit around parenting, preteens and adolescents and social media. So, Shahidi, so far in this season in the pod, more so towards the later end of the season, we've been talking a lot about having difficult conversations and empowering our children to be able to have those conversations and sit through those conversations comfortably.

0:00:41 - (Natalie Moujalli): And I guess that's one of the reasons we've asked you on today, because I've heard you speak in the past around proactive and reactive parenting, really focusing on how a parent's reaction to their child confiding in them can really impact their connection with each other. So can you tell us a little bit more about that?

0:01:02 - (Chehade Richa): Sure, sure. It first arose in my sphere when I was speaking to a counsellor from another school. And I asked him, I said, you know, you've worked with young men for a long time. If you were to give me any advice, what would that advice be? Or if you were to tell their parents? And he kind of pondered for a while and he thought about it, and then he just said, what's your reaction? I was like, oh, that's strange advice.

0:01:23 - (Chehade Richa): And I said, okay, well, what do you mean by that? This was early in my teaching career. My kids were still quite young. And he just said, what's your reaction? Because depending on your reaction that reveal how much they show you or tell you. And then it can also lead to them either wearing a mask or not wearing a mask. And then so we kind of broke that down in a long conversation. And it was fascinating because he was saying to me that a lot of the boys that he would see as a counselor, from primary all the way through to upper high school would actually be a different person at school to what their parents would see at home.

0:01:54 - (Chehade Richa): And he put it down to a lot of the time pretty much because the parents would overreact and make them scared, you know, to. To be able to come to them with all these different issues. So I kind of thought about it, prayed on it, read a few little things on it. And there was this idea of proactive parenting where you could engage with your child even if it was uncomfortable as a parent, particularly if they're revealing things to you that, you know, maybe scare you a little.

0:02:18 - (Chehade Richa): Especially as they get older, but do so in a way that allows them to, you know, continue, and then you can journey with them rather than journey on their own. It was a really, really interesting conversation. And then I started to see that in my mentoring, you know, a lot of the boys who would, who I would talk to, particularly at the high school boys, they'd be often more willing, I guess, to open up to me than maybe their parents, because I think they felt that their parents wouldn't understand.

0:02:43 - (Chehade Richa): Even though their parents love them and want the best for them, the reaction would be the defining factor as to how far they, how much they revealed and how much they kept to themselves. So that was, you know, where that emerged. And it's something that I really brought into my own parenting as well. That was the main part of it.

0:02:58 - (Natalie Moujalli): That would be very tough bringing it into your own parenting. Because as parents we're over invested and every little thing that our children say to us causes a reaction. Mostly because we're scared. I would say, how have you found that a challenge in your own home?

0:03:14 - (Chehade Richa): So obviously the little things like not listening, but when you ask them to pick something up and you get a bit frustrated with that, I'm not really talking about those things because that's just like I've asked you three times, you gotta do this. I'm talking more. You know, you get a phone call from school or a note in the diary that says, oh, your son or your daughter took a chocolate from, you know, the class jar or something like that, and you read it and you're like, that's not good.

0:03:36 - (Chehade Richa): Rather than sit the child down and say, you know what it says in the Bible, we don't steal. You know what the ten Commandments are, you know what we've taught you? And just rattle off the list. And they're like, yes, yes, yes. It's like, all right, well tell me why you did that. You know, what were you thinking? What might you do next time? So I think the child, like all of us, we intrinsically know when we do something wrong, but it's based on, you know, in this case, if we want to open up to someone, how they react to that. So it's more of the issues where it brings on a sense of fear as to where it might lead a child as opposed to, you know, those, those little minor day to day things.

0:04:06 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah. So in my own sphere, it hasn't been as severe yet because my children are still growing and we haven't faced a lot of the major teenage issues that you know, hopefully won't arise, but possibly will. But I think I'm trying to start now with the smaller things so that when those do arrive, we've got a close enough connection and bond that we can journey through that. And they know the standards that we have as a family, but they know that they can open up and present whatever it is and we can work on it together.

0:04:31 - (Natalie Moujalli): Yeah. So it's managing the reactions.

0:04:33 - (Chehade Richa): That's right.

0:04:34 - (Natalie Moujalli): Monsignor, what do you think about that? Shahidi brought up wearing masks and the fact that sometimes, you know, when we overreact as parents, it can encourage a child to wear a mask and be different, you know, maybe when they're with their parents than without their parents. And we've talked about wearing masks, actually. Previously on the episode. Do you come across that much? Do you see that much?

0:04:57 - (Monsignor Shora): I have seen, I could say in the limited amount of counselling that I might be asked to do guidance give to teenagers and that where they would say, if I say this, will you tell my parents or don't tell my parents? So there's a sign of a mask. It's like the barriers up. Yeah. So I would say that would be common for a lot of them where the parents are very reactive and in that reactiveness, inadvertently actually treating their child just as a child, talking down and not being. I like the word proactive. Like, proactive parenting.

0:05:35 - (Monsignor Shora): That's for the child to act more, to grow into an adult, you know, so that you would ask the question, look, you know, I heard this has happened. What do you think about that? You know, how are you feeling about that? Do you think that's okay? What do you, you know. Yeah. Where a lot of parents where child has done something wrong, it's. It's the talking down and, and it's, it's not saying, well, how do I. How do I help them into the young adult that they're called to be, you know, the more responsible young adult. I think that's a good.

0:06:06 - (Natalie Moujalli): Is that what you mean by proactive parenting? Can you tell us what that is?

0:06:10 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, it's like you still have a standards and you still have limits. So it's not like you're just like, oh, yeah, okay, that's cool, you can keep doing that. No, so it is. But there's a way of presenting that, you know, the force of a stick, or is it the. The love of, say, how Jesus might, you know, talk to someone in the Gospels, we see that.

0:06:26 - (Natalie Moujalli): So, like mercy.

0:06:28 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, that's right. So you're pushing them in the right direction without making them feel even worse about themselves than they already are.

0:06:34 - (Natalie Moujalli): Eddie, you're a father and a grandfather. God bless. What's your experience around this? And, you know, even your clinical experience.

0:06:43 - (Eddie Reaiche): Being a father was very difficult early on because, and I'm not blaming my parents, we were all raised differently when we were young because it was the best they could do. They didn't know any different. But my experience, my life experience after that taught me there are better ways of doing things. So I did a lot of thinking before reacting, but it took a while to master. Someone said it perfectly earlier.

0:07:09 - (Eddie Reaiche): The children raised me. I didn't raise the children. I became very passive with my kids as they were growing through their teenage years. Because one thing always I used to always reflect on was people say I raised my kids the same. I never raised my kids the same because none of my kids were the same. So if I raised them the same, I would have done them a disservice. So I waited for them and whatever they came to me with, I just worked with.

0:07:36 - (Eddie Reaiche): But as they were growing, I wanted to make sure that there was nothing that they could ever be scared to come and talk to me about. So I created that environment and my kids came to me with everything. Even my daughters were never shy to tell me about other things that they were going through. I was just. I'm not talking, I'm not saying I'm a super dad at all, at all.

0:08:01 - (Eddie Reaiche): It's just the environment that I created. But it was a conscious way of doing it, not a knee jerk reaction.

0:08:07 - (Natalie Moujalli): So do you see the fruits of that now? Now that they are parents, we're very.

0:08:12 - (Eddie Reaiche): Close and I can see how my son, my daughter work with their kids. And it's real blessing to see how calm my son is with his sons. And they can run riot and he'll sit them down and actually explain to them why he got angry. When he does get angry, and this is something that I did, but I would take him aside and not make it a public thing.

0:08:35 - (Natalie Moujalli): I guess it's interrupting that generational cycle. What you're doing and now you're seeing, you're starting to see that the generations.

0:08:41 - (Eddie Reaiche): In front of you see the difference. I'm so proud to see that because it's a big thing to see your kids grow and do what you think is the right way of raising kids.

0:08:52 - (Natalie Moujalli): And I think there's only the beginning, because the generation that you are from raising the next generation is probably where Shahidi's at right now with his children. And the children that you're teaching at school, what do you see play out at school? So can you tell the kids that are probably a little bit more afraid to open up when they've made a mistake?

0:09:15 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, definitely. Definitely. You can always, particularly between the father and the son, if there's a close relationship and an open channel of communication, I find that the, the son is usually less, I guess, disruptive in a way. And you. And you just feel that they are more willing to own their mistakes and not blame it on others and not hide behind others. Whereas the, the, the traditional old school, maybe Lebanese parenting of, you know, the stick or the shahita or something, you know, those boys, usually the ones that will try and hide behind others or blame other people or really lie their way out of problems.

0:09:50 - (Chehade Richa): And that's a character issue. And I do believe it's because it stems from maybe experiences at home where they've had to do that to avoid some kind of intense ridicule or punishment. And again, that's not me saying you don't have a stand in. You don't have some kind of consequence, because in life there's always consequences to your action. But it doesn't always have to be aggressive and intense and full of condemnation. Because that's where I feel like, you know, that mask emerges and then it hangs around. Because children perceive things very differently to adults. And if the person that they love and they've looked up to suddenly starts to change and then come back to normal, I think they take that psychologically a lot different to what we would if an adult got angry at us.

0:10:31 - (Natalie Moujalli): I think that's a really good evaluation, to be honest. It's good observation because even in our clinical experience, I think when we're seeing clients who are older, you're seeing that behaviour still playing out in their adulthood, in their relationships as well. So even through husband and wife, when someone makes a mistake, the ability to repair and be open and vulnerable is not there. Because it wasn't there throughout childhood, you know, not always, but sometimes.

0:11:03 - (Eddie Reaiche): I see that a lot with attachment styles. I see a lot with people who find it very difficult to communicate. I see it a lot with couples because of what they've grown up with. I also see a lot of disharmony between parents. Everyone talks about parenting, but there's no unity in a lot of parenting. The father does things one way, the mother does another, and sometimes they use the father as the weapon.

0:11:31 - (Eddie Reaiche): Wait till your father gets home. I'm gonna tell him everything you did. And then they start getting scared and the father becomes an ogre and he just comes home really happy and they.

0:11:39 - (Natalie Moujalli): Go, he's not aware of the narrative that played out before he got home.

0:11:44 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yeah. So you see that a lot. Even sometimes I'll have people who were telling me about how they lost control with their children, and I'm trying really hard not to be judgmental, but understand what's behind it. And always, always what's behind it is how they were raised. And they've just. They're finding it really difficult to break that cycle.

0:12:06 - (Natalie Moujalli): In the same way that we say, you don't know what you don't know, you only know what you know. So if that's what's normal to you, you're going to very organically repeat that until that cycle has changed, or you. You actually interrupt that cycle. So. And I think that what we're dealing with now is something that really has not been dealt with before. So we're in the very still early years of smartphones and social media, and this is not an issue that our parents really had to tackle.

0:12:41 - (Natalie Moujalli): Now we're raising kids and grandkids with access to smartphones and social media. I mean, the social media ban came out just recently in December, and I'm not sure how everyone's coping with that, because this was normal for these teenagers and young adults for a very long time. And it's not affecting the young adults, but it is impacting the teenagers who had social media for two or three years and really learnt to get comfortable with it and how to socialise with it and rely on it, and then it was just kind of yanked away from them.

0:13:18 - (Natalie Moujalli): I'm quite happy about the ban, but also I do see that there could be problems around really just banning them after they've really gotten used to how to connect through that. What are your thoughts on that, Shahedi?

0:13:33 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, I think the ban is more of a culture shift. I had it described to me as a culture shift. So we won't really see the impacts maybe until a few years down the line. That's right, yes. Because I think it's going to be a weird changeover period now. And I'm sure that, yeah, one thing I've learned about being in school is that young people find ways around most things, so I'm sure there will be those, like, cracks appearing along the way, but I think it's setting a standard and a message to families moving forward so that the younger ones coming through that haven't really, you know, logged on yet.

0:14:03 - (Chehade Richa): That's another barrier for them, and it'll kind of push that line further back, so to speak. But I think, you know, the two major issues I see in my mentoring at school is communication between father and son. I think that's a big one. And then technology, you know, technology use has really caused a lot of problems in the young generation, because I always describe it as you're handing a child the most sophisticated piece of machinery probably in history, really, and then you're expecting them to control it, you know, And I think that's a really big ask.

0:14:33 - (Chehade Richa): And it's designed by engineers who are very smart and who know how the mind neurologically, how it works, and they use that as a way of making us the product. So, you know, it's very unfair in many ways when you see children get addicted and have problems with phones, which I see all the time, and then it spills into the family and we get angry at them, but then at the same time, we're facilitating the issue.

0:14:56 - (Chehade Richa): So I think it's a major problem. And I'm glad this ban has come come into place because it's a. It's a. It's a line now for parents to say, sorry, it's actually against the law for you until you're 16. And then by 16, I think you can have a much more mature conversation with a young adult, as opposed to 12, where they're given apps that are really well beyond their capacity to manage and control. So I think it's a good step. I think there'll be issues with everything, but it's definitely a move in the right direction.

0:15:23 - (Natalie Moujalli): It's helping them put boundaries into place where they can't do that. Do you see a lot of people impacted by that, Monsignor?

0:15:31 - (Monsignor Shora): Look, I hear parents speaking about it. You just see it, people walking out of Mass, you know, and the first thing is the phone or indicates in the phone, you know. Yeah. There was one stage where people were saying to me at one of the parishes I was earlier, do you know, people up the back are looking at their. Got their phone, they're looking at their phones during Mass, you know, I said, really?

0:15:50 - (Chehade Richa): Really?

0:15:52 - (Monsignor Shora): I said, God help. They don't want me to see them do that. Yeah. So, yeah, so it's the screen and the. As Shahedi said it, they're geared to get you in and keep going and the scrolling business. And, you know, like, it's the algorithm. All that sort of system is just hooks them in and they're wasting so much time and can be doing so much things that are better health wise and for relationships, you know, I think it's a good move. It's a good move. And it is so telling the parents, this is illegal now.

0:16:23 - (Monsignor Shora): So it gives them to say, well, hang on, yeah, I've got to put this boundary then for my kids not, you know, getting them the phone at this age.

0:16:30 - (Natalie Moujalli): I was reading a study only yesterday about the fact that social media and smartphones, there's definitely a correlation with declining mental health, but the causation is not exactly clear at the moment. But what they are saying is that often when a teenager's social media use or smartphone use increases dramatically, that's an indication that they're not doing well mentally. So it's the other way around, you know, so people used to say, okay, social media causes these things.

0:17:07 - (Natalie Moujalli): But sometimes it's the fact that they're drowning in their phone is an indication of where they're at mentally. What do you think about that, Eddie?

0:17:16 - (Eddie Reaiche): I think you'll find it's a form of addiction now because we're finding cyberbullying, for instance, the easiest way to get out of cyberbullying is to turn off your phone. That's not possible. They just can't do it. And so I think this form of addiction is changing their brains and changing the wiring of the brain is going to lead to a lot of mental issues. And this way that they're connected and feel that they have to be connected is something that I find that I'm really scared about because of how much hold it has over them.

0:17:55 - (Eddie Reaiche): And if it's. If they're like that, it's not anything I've ever seen. I mean, as a grandfather, we never had that. My kids never had that. So it wasn't a big deal. Back in my day, the kids would be screaming at the kids to come in the house.

0:18:10 - (Natalie Moujalli): Did you just pull her back? In my day, I did. Okay, sorry, go on.

0:18:14 - (Eddie Reaiche): When I was a father, we were screaming at the kids to come into the house. Now everyone's screaming at their kids to get out of the house. It's just really interesting.

0:18:26 - (Monsignor Shora): Into the backyard. Not right out of the house.

0:18:28 - (Natalie Moujalli): Into the backyard and pack your bags.

0:18:32 - (Eddie Reaiche): And the interesting thing that I'm finding nowadays is because everybody is making enough money and they're renovating their house and they're giving every child their own room.

0:18:41 - (Monsignor Shora): Yeah.

0:18:41 - (Eddie Reaiche): And it's kind of separating the kids. It's something that unity's starting to dissolve a little and everyone just storms into their room and does what they have to. And then when you knock on the door and go into their room and say, hi, hey, they'll scream at you and say, get out of my room.

0:18:57 - (Monsignor Shora): I'm busy.

0:18:58 - (Eddie Reaiche): Get out of my room. I'm doing this. I own this house, but get out of my room. And so I'm seeing this more and more.

0:19:05 - (Monsignor Shora): I heard a phrase used that it's causing brain rot. The young one says, brain rot. Yeah. Like it's actually rotting the brain that so much. And then the other thing is watching so much, listening so much. I saw a program where it's actually affecting their accent of how they're speaking. They're speaking like Americans. So.

0:19:26 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yeah.

0:19:26 - (Monsignor Shora): And it's formation and the ideas, and you're thinking, yeah, some of the ways. Some of the way the men have been formed young, you know, and to think that youth and teens under 16 have been influenced by this, you know, that you think, wow, yeah. So it's.

0:19:43 - (Natalie Moujalli): You know what's a little bit scary is that, you know, when I heard Eddie speak, he said, you know, they. They are struggling with these addiction. And you said, you know, the brain rot for these kids. But to be honest, it's quite scary for the parents. We are having brain rot. Like, we are having a problem controlling our phone usage, you know, in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s. So it's no wonder the kids are struggling because even as grown adults, we are really finding it hard to set boundaries.

0:20:15 - (Natalie Moujalli): And we don't even know it's. You know, sometimes I'll be so deep in my phone, I won't notice how many things I've missed around me because I was responding to these emails or doing this thing until I separate from my phone. I think, oh, my gosh, I was so impatient just now. My kids asked me a few things. I was so deep in what I was doing that I missed this whole thing. It's not just the kids who are struggling, actually. It's impacting our ability to parent because our mind is distracted always 24 7.

0:20:47 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah.

0:20:47 - (Monsignor Shora): It's still. We don't know how. And now you even have it on your watch.

0:20:51 - (Natalie Moujalli): Exactly.

0:20:52 - (Chehade Richa): You know, vibrates.

0:20:53 - (Monsignor Shora): I'm seeing people look at that. They look at time all the time. Yeah, look. Oh, my gosh. And I was thinking, someone said, you should get on you. I said, no, I don't think I'll go crazy. You know, like, yeah, yours would never stop, father.

0:21:04 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, yeah, yours would be 24 7.

0:21:07 - (Eddie Reaiche): One of the things that comes up in clinic when I'm doing couple therapy is one of the common complaints is when my husband gets home, he sits on the couch and plays on his phone. Now, the reason why I want to bring this up is kids are observational learners. So they're watching this and they're seeing it as a normal behavior. And so that neuron activity or that brain is getting wired up to say, this is right.

0:21:33 - (Monsignor Shora): And then you see them give to young kids to play games on the phone to keep them quiet.

0:21:38 - (Chehade Richa): I think as a parent, you've got to be pretty tough. And if you go to dinner and your kid is getting up and walking around and, you know, making a bit of noise, it's okay. It's like a church, too. Like, they will get over it. And I think one of the worst things you can do is training them to feel, like, okay, in order to eat, I need to put a screen in front of you. In order for you to sit still, you need to have a screen in front of you, because all you're doing is exaggerating the problem down the line.

0:22:00 - (Natalie Moujalli): You know, and you're also. You're teaching maybe to link those behaviors. Food and screen, definitely. So then often when the screen is taken.

0:22:09 - (Chehade Richa): Yes.

0:22:09 - (Natalie Moujalli): They don't know how to eat.

0:22:10 - (Chehade Richa): And then they'll use that again. Like, kids are pretty smart, as we know, and they will read the room pretty well. And they know, okay, well, if I make this much noise.

0:22:18 - (Natalie Moujalli): Yeah.

0:22:18 - (Chehade Richa): Then I'll get what I want. Yeah. And I think, like, you know, we go to a family mass, and it can sometimes be very noisy, but it's good because it's like they're training the kids on etiquette at mass. And, you know, father always encourages that. It's a way to do it.

0:22:34 - (Monsignor Shora): Don't mind if they make a bit of noise. That's. But just. And I say bring them to the front. Let them see the action. Let them see, you know. Yeah, yeah. They grow into it.

0:22:43 - (Chehade Richa): That's right. Back more to what I've seen as a mentor. I think one of the main reasons I see young people want a phone is one, because they see their parents using it all the time. But more importantly than that is they want to feel connected to their friends, and they also don't want to feel like they're missing out. So most people don't actually want a phone or don't really want social media for what it is. They want it for what it can offer them in that sense, you know, because it seems like all doom and gloom around this conversation.

0:23:07 - (Chehade Richa): But my advice increasingly, and I'm trying to do this in my own parent groups, is like connect with other parents within your friend group, have an open discussion, say, you know, this is our policy on phones. This is what the research is showing us. We believe this is the way to go. What do you guys think? Because if you can get your child's friends, parents on the same page, you'll cut out. In my opinion, just from what I'm seeing at school, a huge issue that parents face, it's they don't want to give their child a phone. They're seeing it, but all their friends have one.

0:23:37 - (Chehade Richa): All their friends are talking on Snapchat, all their friends are on WhatsApp, all their friends are on TikTok. And they're missing out. I can't talk to them. I'm missing out. I'm being removed from all these, you know, different activities and events. So if as family communities we can talk and build that network, I really feel like it'll solve a lot of the problem around giving a child a smartphone and social. Well, you know, the ban's going to have an impact, but there'll still be ways around, I think. But moving forward, I think that's the way. It's the way it should work.

0:24:06 - (Eddie Reaiche): So that's a great initiative.

0:24:08 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, really great initiative.

0:24:10 - (Monsignor Shora): There needs to be. Or when you're going to stop something. Well, what are they going to fill their time with, which is those things? So what can they arrange with each other to do, you know? Yeah, they can have school holidays, you.

0:24:21 - (Chehade Richa): Know, and even an old house phone, you know. I know.

0:24:24 - (Natalie Moujalli): Oh, my gosh.

0:24:25 - (Chehade Richa): I remember when I had to talk to my friends, it was the cord, it was around the corner so the parents wouldn't hear.

0:24:31 - (Natalie Moujalli): And then your sister picks up the other hands. Are you still on the phone?

0:24:35 - (Eddie Reaiche): Get off the phone.

0:24:36 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah. And then ringing. Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Mrs. Can I please. And you'd please. I hope the parents don't answer the. You know, I think that was great too because it taught like social etiquette as well, you know, talking to an elder, being respectful. Not just like it was all texting now too.

0:24:50 - (Natalie Moujalli): They don't know how to answer.

0:24:51 - (Chehade Richa): I know. And even then it's like a lot of the boys will meet girls purely online. Like they've never even physically spoken to them.

0:24:59 - (Eddie Reaiche): That's one of my most frustrating part in clinical area when someone says about a conversation. So what did she say? Oh, she said this, this, this. Oh, what does it sound like? And he Goes, oh, no, no, no, it's just texting.

0:25:14 - (Monsignor Shora): Yeah, Thinking, solving problems by texting.

0:25:16 - (Eddie Reaiche): I'm trying to think of how this is working. I said, where's the emotion? How do you see emotions in the text? They go, oh, we do an emoji.

0:25:24 - (Natalie Moujalli): Yeah.

0:25:24 - (Eddie Reaiche): I said, all right, that's supposed to work.

0:25:26 - (Monsignor Shora): Oh, it's disaster.

0:25:28 - (Natalie Moujalli): We are sounding like a bunch of old fuddy duddies at the moment. And you're right, it's not all doom and gloom because the smartphones and social media provided a way to connect. And what Montaigne is saying is if we're going to take that, we need to replace it with something else that connects them.

0:25:47 - (Monsignor Shora): What's otherwise, we've got to be creative and more healthy ways.

0:25:50 - (Natalie Moujalli): Do you remember the family picnics where your parents would drag you like to the hatchets, you know, family barbecuing prospect at the end of the year and you were forced to socialize and connect and out of your comfort zone and like, really? They're some of my fondest memories. We don't do that anymore. The parents kind of do, but the kids kind of go, yeah, that's not for me. That's a you thing. Do you know what I mean? So finding a way to provide those social experiences for the children, even if it's through sport or community get togethers where they can meet children that are, you know, teenagers in the parish and I think across the whole eparchy, it's so alive with the teens.

0:26:34 - (Natalie Moujalli): Yeah, it's quite beautiful.

0:26:36 - (Monsignor Shora): Yeah, yeah, Teens, youth for the sand, for the primary age. Yeah. I've got 16 nieces and nephews that have grown up and most of them are married now and 23 great nieces and nephews and just seeing, they love being together. I don't see a mobile phone out when they're together. They love being together. I used to do Mother's Day event for our family, you know, for my four sisters and my sister in law and I just think, yeah, I gotta get a DJ for this. I gotta get this activity.

0:27:07 - (Monsignor Shora): And my sisters used to say, don't waste money, don't do that, don't do that. They'll be together, you know. I took them to a restaurant for dinner and then the restaurant. I didn't realise the restaurant closes early, like. And they are, they sort of kicked us out. They had to leave, you don't know. My nieces and nephews were all sitting on the stairs just talking, you know, nine, 30, quarter to 10 on a Friday night. They were sitting I couldn't believe it.

0:27:31 - (Monsignor Shora): You know, they didn't want to go. And this was teenage and youth. They were just sitting.

0:27:35 - (Natalie Moujalli): The stairs is a great place to hang out the stairs in the kitchen. When you're at your aunties and uncles.

0:27:40 - (Monsignor Shora): And grandparents, getting them. Seeing how you as parents can be proactive and setting that up, I think that's important at that younger age, getting them involved, you know. Yeah. I say to parents, couples, when they're preparing for marriage, you know, look, you know, you having a good environment in your home for your kids. And then a lot of us have brothers and sisters and kids, you know, you letting them mix with their kids. Never stop your kids seeing their cousins.

0:28:07 - (Monsignor Shora): And then they've got good school friends. Please, God, you know. Yeah, yeah. And then you've got your church friends. Friends that said, look at all these relationships. Look at all this connection. They'll put the phone away when they know they've got something like that, you know. But if it's at home and I'm unhappy at home, I'm isolated at home because it's not good at home. My dad doesn't talk to his brother anymore. I don't see my cousins anymore.

0:28:27 - (Monsignor Shora): So, yeah, it's just having that good holistic approach and, you know, saying, now we've got to keep. Keep them connected.

0:28:34 - (Chehade Richa): It takes effort. I think, as a lot of the time, lives are busy now and work is very intense for a lot of families and people just to keep up with the expensive nature of life at the moment. And parents can often slip up, too. So I think it takes a lot of eff. Effort, refocus. And even we're saying when we're together, everyone has their phones away, like making it a known thing as a family, but still being open to, you know, I always say to parents, okay, well, if you don't want them to have their own personal device, maybe have a family device that they can ring their friends at night. Because I know the younger generation, like, they like to FaceTime, for example.

0:29:06 - (Natalie Moujalli): Yeah.

0:29:07 - (Chehade Richa): They tell me they'll be studying and they'll have their friend on FaceTime, like, how are you studying with your. But, you know, you can. Can through it, facilitate that. I think through a family device. It's not their own that they take in their room, which is problematic. It's something that they can use to ring a friend and talk, you know, so you're kind of meeting them in the middle in a way.

0:29:25 - (Natalie Moujalli): The boundaries.

0:29:26 - (Chehade Richa): Exactly.

0:29:27 - (Monsignor Shora): Yeah. It's like the court phone.

0:29:28 - (Chehade Richa): That's right.

0:29:29 - (Monsignor Shora): Yeah. You Let you let half an hour on the phone or 20 minutes to your friends on the phone. All right?

0:29:32 - (Chehade Richa): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:29:33 - (Natalie Moujalli): And it is hard because parents are tired. Often both parents are working and you get to the end of your day and you just don't have anything left in you. And often we are looking to other resources to help us with our parenting, too, like grandparents. And even the grandparents, I think, are struggling with the screen time stuff, aren't they, Eddie?

0:29:53 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yeah, because we're trying to parent our grandchildren the way we parented our children. But we've got boundaries now because their parents have their way of parenting. And so they say they're not allowed to do this, they're not allowed to do that, they're not allowed to do this. And we generally just nod and say, okay, okay.

0:30:15 - (Natalie Moujalli): That's what my parents do. Thanks.

0:30:16 - (Eddie Reaiche): And then. And then the doors close. I'm just being transparent here. The door closes, go, run.

0:30:24 - (Natalie Moujalli): That's what my parents do. They go, mum, not too much sugar, not too much screen time. You know, limit it to half an hour. They go, yeah, okay, Mum. Okay. Yes, okay, Mum.

0:30:33 - (Chehade Richa): Okay.

0:30:33 - (Natalie Moujalli): And then I get back and it's like Santa Claus and Mary Poppins just hung out with them all day.

0:30:39 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yeah, I know, yeah. And then they have to cope with them running around when they get home. Did they have sugar today? No. I can't understand what's wrong with it. Well, I didn't give them sugar. They ate it themselves.

0:30:51 - (Monsignor Shora): They found it.

0:30:52 - (Eddie Reaiche): They found it in the cupboard in the bowl that we left right in the middle of the room.

0:30:55 - (Natalie Moujalli): But it's beautiful because that's kind of like a grandparents role. Right. And the, the parents take the more kind of proactive, guiding role, discipline, stuff like that.

0:31:06 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yeah. But I think it is a, it's a great joy to look after your grandchildren because it's only a limited time and so the parents take them away. And when you see your grandchildren just run up to you, avoid everybody else, then run up to you. It kind of makes you feel really good.

0:31:24 - (Natalie Moujalli): Do you think that's partly because of the unlimited screen time and sugar?

0:31:28 - (Eddie Reaiche): We're not going to go through that again. Santa Claus effect a lot.

0:31:34 - (Natalie Moujalli): It sounds like what we're saying is to take the focus off digital connection and bring it into, you know, IRL in real life connection. Shahidi, do you have any parting thoughts you want to share?

0:31:47 - (Chehade Richa): I just say build a strong relationship with your sons and daughters. Spend time with them. I think time is key. I think that's the biggest investment you can put into your children's lives more so than money and securing properties for the future. I'm sure they all help, which they do. But that time and that love, because I think, you know, if there's a strong relationship and there's a strong connection, you'll be able to journey with them through life, through the ups and downs, rather than feel like you're not as close as you want to be. Because I think as a parent, one of the hardest things would be to see your child suffering and feel like you're not close to them in that or when they're happy and still feel like you're quite distant. So I would say invest as much time, it's worth it in the long run.

0:32:26 - (Chehade Richa): Build that relationship, love them, be kind to them, but also firm as well. And then, you know, I'm sure things will work out really well after that. So that would be my closing thought.

0:32:36 - (Natalie Moujalli): Thank you, Eddie.

0:32:38 - (Eddie Reaiche): Just following from that, it's so true, because I feel like last week my kids were born, this week my grandkids are born. It's that quick. In a blink of an eye, believe it or not, I'm sitting here as proof that it's so fast it'll slip by you. And you only get one chance at this. Do the best you can.

0:33:02 - (Monsignor Shora): Building on both of those, I would say, yeah, to see the adult that you're. To see your kids in their future and how you're helping them. How do you want them to be in the future and how are you asking the right questions to lead them and guide them and be the example to guide them to that goal. You know, to bring out that good adult in them. You know, the good well formed and secure in themselves, in the, in, in that good sense of.

0:33:31 - (Monsignor Shora): For us, we'd say in our faith and, you know, that good, that good security. So that, and that's. The parents are the ones that are the best way to give that to their children. So, you know. Yeah.

0:33:42 - (Eddie Reaiche): Nat, do you have any parting thoughts?

0:33:45 - (Natalie Moujalli): It's school holidays at the moment, so I'm feeling a little drained of my wisdom. No, I love school holidays. I love having to being allowed to get up at whatever time and everyone's chilling and relaxing and enjoying the kids. But I guess for me, I know we've talked very much, ideally in this podcast about how we should do things and how we should react and just very aware that it's not that easy and that we fail all the time. I fail all the time.

0:34:18 - (Natalie Moujalli): And every day is a a new chance to try again.

0:34:22 - (Monsignor Shora): You fail some of the time.

0:34:24 - (Chehade Richa): Okay.

0:34:25 - (Monsignor Shora): You do a great area.

0:34:26 - (Chehade Richa): All right.

0:34:27 - (Natalie Moujalli): Great. Well, if you said some of the time, I feel better about that. Thank you, Monsignor. Thank you, guys.

0:34:32 - (Chehade Richa): Thank you very much.

0:34:33 - (Eddie Reaiche): Thanks, dad. It.