Premature Birth, Faith, Surrender | Bridget Loulach

Bridget Loulach is the founder of Glimpse of Heaven Australia, a charitable initiative based in Sydney, dedicated to aiding the homeless and families facing hardships across New South Wales. With a multi-faceted career as a lawyer, journalist, and creative, Brigette has utilized her platform to promote acts of kindness, inspired by her personal experiences and challenges. Her philanthropic journey began in her teenage years, driven by a profound familial loss and is sustained through her faith and resilience in facing personal adversities.

Key Takeaways:

• Overcoming Adversity with Community Support: Bridget's journey illustrates how building and relying on a compassionate community can provide strength in times of personal trials.
• Faith and Resilience: Central to Bridget's story is her unwavering faith, which helped her confront anxiety and life's unpredictable challenges.
• The Impact of Charitable Work: Bridget emphasises how initiating acts of kindness not only benefits recipients, but also provides the giver with a sense of purpose and peace.
• Embracing Surrender: The episode explores the concept of finding peace by surrendering control and having faith in a higher power during times of turmoil.
• From Giving to Receiving: Experiencing the receiving end of charity during her son’s NICU stay, Bridget finds a full-circle moment that enhances her understanding of the power of kindness and community.

Notable Quotes:

• "What if heaven isn't just something we hope for one day? What if it's something we can create right here and right now for someone who desperately needs it?"
• "It was born of struggle; it was born of a suffering something where you found you needed something to actually put all of your energy into."
• "And now is my time to live it. How easy is it for us to repost a quote... when life brings you down to your knees, can you live it?"
• "Embracing the season you're in and finding the peace within to thank God for it all."
• "If tonight your plans didn't go as expected, I hope you find something in your day to celebrate."

You and your mental health is important to us. If this episode brought up any heavy emotions, please know you do not need to carry them alone. Reach out to Lifeline, Beyond Blue, or the counselling service at Hills Sanctuary house at hshl.org.au 

Do subscribe to this podcast to get the latest episodes of Finding Sanctuary.

Follow us on
Facebook - Christ the Redeemer Maronite Catholic Parish of The Hills
Instagram - @hills_sanctuary_house
Blog - https://hshl.org.au/blog/

Transcript

0:00:00 - : This episode touches on confronting themes. If now's not the right time, it's absolutely okay to skip this one or come back when you're ready.

0:00:09 - (Brigette Elias): Being in the hospital these last months has taught me so much the importance of embracing the season you're in and finding the peace within to thank God for it all. If tonight you are out, enjoy it. And if tonight you're staying in, enjoy it. If tonight your plans didn't go as expected, I hope you find something in your day to celebrate foreign.

0:00:32 - (C): Welcome to Finding Sanctuary. Our shared conversations into how we think and feel and how we find peace and comfort in daily life. We get together with experts to chat about all things mental health, getting insights and understanding on the struggles of life.

0:00:51 - (Eddie Reaiche): What if heaven isn't just something we hope for one day? What if it's something we can create right here and right now for someone who desperately needs it? This is Finding Sanctuary and my name's Eddie. Welcome to our show. Today I'm joined by Jody and is my co host for the evening, so I'm looking forward to that.

0:01:13 - (Jony Raad): So am I.

0:01:15 - (Eddie Reaiche): And today I'm joined by Bridget Lulash, a founder of Glimpse of Heaven Australia, a Sydney based charity initiative that brings together volunteers, donors and everyday people to serve the homeless and families doing it tough across New South Wales. Bridget is a lawyer, a journalist and a creative, but what makes her story powerful is how she uses her voice and platform to highlight small acts of extraordinary kindness.

0:01:44 - (Eddie Reaiche): Today we explore how one person's vision can ignite a community and how simple compassion can become a glimpse of Heaven. Welcome Bridget.

0:01:54 - (Brigette Elias): Thank you so much for having me Eddie.

0:01:56 - (Eddie Reaiche): Bridget, how did Glimpse of Heaven start? What inspired you to create something so incredible in our community?

0:02:04 - (Brigette Elias): Glimpse of Heaven actually started when I was in high school, probably 16 or 17 years of age. I started it anonymously on Instagram. No one knew who I was and I used the platform as a creative outlet. I named A Glimpse of Heaven after my late grandmother who passed away from cancer. She was diagnosed maybe at the age of 50, passed away at 55 and she was everything, the epitome of heaven. She was everything to me. I was the eldest grandchild so I was very close to her and her loss was huge in my life.

0:02:38 - (Brigette Elias): In her final days, the way she offered up her suffering and the visions she saw of the saints and could only be described as heavenly. So I knew I wanted to establish a platform and I was going through at the time in high school some difficulty and challenges and when I spoke to my school counsellor she Said Bridget, you need to do something. You need an outlet, a sport, something for you. And at the time, Instagram had just started and I had an accumulation of images and quotes and things that I would turn to. And I thought, I'm going to just start sharing them in the hope that I can help someone else out there.

0:03:11 - (Brigette Elias): And this community started growing into the thousands. And I was a HSC student, so I started getting invited to these industry events, the wedding industry, and no one knew I was a HSC student. I didn't even have my license. So God bless my mum, she's driving me to all these events. That's awesome. And no one knew who I was. And then at the end of year 12, I wanted to do something to give back. I was just grateful for getting through the year. I wanted to do something positive and turn everything negative that I had faced into something fruitful and beautiful.

0:03:42 - (Brigette Elias): And I knew I always wanted Glimpse of Heaven to have a charitable aspect attached to it. So then that's when the Glimpse of Glimpse of Heaven project launched. The first year we did 400 hampers. And then the subsequent years we were started creating 2,000, 3,000 hampers. So these hampers were going to homeless, struggling families, refugee families, families affected by violence, families facing any kind of financial hardship, bushfire victims. We were able to help.

0:04:11 - (Brigette Elias): Yeah. And I continued the project through uni. So I went on to study law and journalism and continue to coordinate this project, even doing summer school. And it just, it gave me such a drive and I. I love every minute of doing it.

0:04:23 - (Jony Raad): And it was born of struggle, it was born of a suffering something where you found you needed something to actually put all of your energy into, and you did, and you turned it into something incredible.

0:04:37 - (Eddie Reaiche): That's inspiring, Bridget. I wonder with the challenges you had at school that you had to go through and the grief that you were going through with your grandmother, who obviously you were quite close with, and then you turned it into something positive. What other things in your life have you gone through? Cause I know there's a backstory as well. Are you comfortable talking about that now?

0:04:59 - (Brigette Elias): I am. So went on to get married, was blessed with my first child, Rafael.

0:05:03 - (Eddie Reaiche): That's a good part, right?

0:05:04 - (Brigette Elias): That's a good part. But unfortunately his birth, it was a failed induction. So that resulted in an emergency C section. Obviously being a first time mum and all of the first time, you buy the books, you do the courses, you do all the reading. You have a birth plan. You have the birth plan, yeah. So when my induction failed, it resulted in emergency C section. Didn't get my golden hour, didn't get that initial skin to skin. I was like, oh, my gosh, this is not what I had planned, envisioned after his birth. I. I thought I was traumatized, not to invalidate what I was feeling, because what came after was a bit more challenging.

0:05:41 - (Brigette Elias): Switched obstetricians when I fell pregnant with my second. And then that's when the challenging part came. In that 23 weeks, I went to see my obstetrician for just a routine checkup and he started making these faces. And I said, doctor, is everything okay? And he said, bridget, I can't see any fluid. And I said, what do you mean? He goes, are you feeling okay? Have you felt anything different? I said, I've been a bit unwell and throughout both my pregnancies I've had the usual feeling lethargic and the sickness and the nausea.

0:06:11 - (Brigette Elias): But because I was induced the first time, I had nothing to compare it to with waters breaking and having a hind leak. It was all new to me. And that night I never went home. So I was admitted into hospital that night. Had my dishes in the sink, my little boy's toys scattered, still on the floor, thinking I was going to go home, that is. I just had a quick appointment. He was with my mum and I was just going to go home and life was going to continue and the pregnancy would continue to term and that didn't happen. So I was admitted into the women's health ward.

0:06:41 - (Brigette Elias): Something I didn't mention earlier. Postpartum with my first, I struggled a lot with anxiety and I have always struggled with anxiety through high school. So a lot of postpartum anxiety, getting in the car with him, going into the shops with him, always struggled. And I think maybe part of it was because I had that initial separation from him. I felt like. I felt like I needed to make up for that and I just. I never wanted to be separated from him again. And I knew one day he would come to understand why Mummy did what she did. And God willing, I can't wait to explain to him why I had to sacrifice that bit of our time together to protect his brother.

0:07:17 - (Brigette Elias): So being in the women's health ward every day, I'd have blood tests and all kinds of things. And again, these are all my fears. I didn't have a positive association with hospitals, I think because of going a lot with my grandmother and every time she was admitted and her treatment and her final weeks were spent in the hospital. Yeah, And I've always had like a fear of needles and things like that. So never really enjoyed hospitals, let alone living in one for an entire month.

0:07:42 - (Eddie Reaiche): And there's also the uncertainty, the uncertainty

0:07:45 - (Brigette Elias): of just not knowing and just taking it day by day, moment by moment, really. And there was one night, a few weeks in, I started bleeding and then things just started to look different because I was trying to hold on as long as possible. And obviously you're trying to keep baby safe as long as possible inside, but then you come to a crossroads. Where is it safer for baby to come out? So I got to 27 weeks, started getting temperatures.

0:08:09 - (Brigette Elias): I wasn't doing well and the baby wasn't doing well. It's a very dangerous infection to get for both Mum and Bub, so he had to come out straight away. It was like one o' clock in the morning and my body started contracting. I was in a lot of pain and I just remember just feeling really nervous. Delivered him via C section, which was, in a way, ironic because I always said after my first, I wanted to attempt a natural birth and that's the reason why I switched obstetricians. And he was supportive of all of this. And just the way things map out, we plan and then, you know, there's only so much in our control.

0:08:43 - (Brigette Elias): In some ways, God plans. I learned to just surrender in that moment. I'm a big believer of divine providence and just trusting. That night was probably. I can't say it was the worst night of my life because he gave us a miracle, but it was a very difficult night because I was laying there again, reliving the C section, seeing this baby come out. And again, I wasn't just in recovery for an hour. This was a very. This looked like a very different kind of experience.

0:09:12 - (Brigette Elias): There was so many doctors and specialists in the room. My husband couldn't stay with me. He had to run with the doctors down this corridor to resuscitate this baby. And I didn't get to see who he looked like, whose notes he had. He was just taken. It was just very fast. And I was just laying there praying in my head for this beautiful little baby, not knowing what was going to eventuate next. Obviously, you're in recovery. There's no phone.

0:09:39 - (Brigette Elias): Kept asking the nurses, do you have any updates? And, yeah, we had to have. Obviously, in previous weeks, we had to have big conversations with doctors about resuscitation and what that looks like.

0:09:50 - (Jony Raad): It was an unknown road for you at that point.

0:09:52 - (Brigette Elias): Unknown, Unknown.

0:09:53 - (Eddie Reaiche): Bridget, you said earlier that you suffered from anxiety for quite a while and it's happened from when you were a child going through school, the loss of grandparent and then the failed normal labor, losing that experience, which is a real thing, believe it or not. When people have Cesareans, there's a grief process attached to it as well. You been through all that and then having the second child and then all these things going wrong, and you managed to say, I surrendered.

0:10:26 - (Eddie Reaiche): How do you go from all that anxiety over the years, how do you give up and say, I surrender?

0:10:34 - (Brigette Elias): So from building Glimpse of Heaven for the last 10 years, you know, we talk about this Life bank account, and I've heard this reference come up a few times from the episodes I've listened to and from people I admire. And it's true. What do you invest in your account? What were my tools and everything I had done throughout my life? And what were the values my family instilled in me? Faith, trust. What did I witness through my grandmother's?

0:10:59 - (Brigette Elias): It was trust, surrender. That was her whole thing was just about surrendering to what was not in her control. And so much of life is not in our control. And throughout that one month in the hospital, I had a beautiful community of people praying for me. So from the day I was admitted, there were prayer requests and rosaries and masses being said, and I think that carried me through prayer when I couldn't even pray that night, I was numb. And when I did eventually get into the maternity ward, so living in the women's health ward, then post C section, they put me in a maternity ward in a shared room with a mum, with her baby. And I could hear this baby crying. And I'm not knowing whether my baby's made it or not.

0:11:43 - (Brigette Elias): And I remember messaging had two people that I messaged and said, I've just delivered. Please pray. I feel numb. Numb was the word. That's what I felt. I was trying to process everything, but at the same time, I remember Googling a picture of Saint Charbel, and my husband and I had this discussion that, you know, if it's a boy and God gets us through this, I'm going to name him Charbel. So, yeah, just the power of prayer and posting all these things that I had posted all these years. Inspirational quotes from different figures, Mother Teresa, different political figures, different just. I loved posting, reading people's words and sharing that.

0:12:28 - (Brigette Elias): And now is my time to live it. How easy is it for us to repost a quote and we save them and we screenshot them. That's beautiful. But when life brings you down to your knees, can you live it?

0:12:40 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yeah. Richard is There one quote that really sticks with you above all the other quotes. Is there a favourite quote that you have in your mind that help you through this process?

0:12:51 - (Brigette Elias): Just the simple one of fear not. I am with you knowing that there's someone of higher power than me, that I'm not alone, that prayer surrounds me, that angels surround me. And that was my prayer that night. That I can't be with this baby tonight, but please God, don't leave him alone. I couldn't hold him for the first few weeks of his life. He was clinically unstable and on high frequency ventilation and intubated.

0:13:16 - (Brigette Elias): So that's what got me through. Just simple quotes like that. I read another powerful quote, that your hour of trial and your hour of suffering is like your greatest test. It can be. It's your hour of renewal and just a way to sanctify me. How can I come out of this stronger? That there's always a purpose in suffering, there's always fruit that comes from all of this. So that was always at the back of my mind.

0:13:39 - (Brigette Elias): Yes, it was difficult. Yes, I was emotional and I cried. Who cannot be emotionally unaffected by what they're witnessing. It's such a confronting situation and you don't wish it on anyone. But I knew that there was purpose. Nothing happens by accident. And I just kept saying, I've been chosen to be his mother and how blessed am I? I had to just keep rewiring every thought that I had and to see the blessing in it.

0:14:03 - (Eddie Reaiche): Do you know, to me that sounds extremely inspiring because I know a lot of people would probably look at this situation scenario so differently. Actually the opposite. Think that you've taken the first one away from me, you've taken this off me. And they could be angry with God. These things can come up. It's a natural human thing. But you took the opposite approach. And if anything, it brought you closer to God and to me. That would be inspirational for a lot of people, particularly people who think that they're abandoned.

0:14:34 - (Eddie Reaiche): You didn't feel abandoned at all, which was great.

0:14:37 - (Brigette Elias): Yeah, you have moments. We're human. I remember the first time Father Sam came to visit me and bring the Eucharist. And I just. I was visibly emotional and I said, I'm a bit afraid, Father. I'm scared because I was still pregnant at this point. And he said, okay, because it's okay to question, but you need to trust. And I think that stuck with me too.

0:14:57 - (Jony Raad): And this recurring theme of trust and surrender, especially like what you were saying about your life bank and how you've accumulated all of these skills in all of your experiences. It's almost like it's brought you to the pinnacle where you were then. Like, let's throw you in the deep end.

0:15:12 - (Brigette Elias): Yep. All my worst fears. Yeah.

0:15:14 - (Jony Raad): Yeah. And so you went from giving and creating this charity and constantly being, seeing a need and doing something about it to turning around and going, I am the need. I need help. So I'd like to know what your experience was from then on. What was it like to turn around and be on the receiving end and go, okay, I've been the spearheader when it came to all of this charitable work. It's my turn now.

0:15:42 - (Jony Raad): What was your experience like in the icu? I'd assume you were in there for a while.

0:15:46 - (Brigette Elias): Yeah.

0:15:46 - (Jony Raad): What was like living in the hospital like? And, you know, who turned up? Who showed up for you? How did they show up for you and baby Sharbel and your family?

0:15:56 - (Brigette Elias): So I think the very first moment said, like, I think I started messaging people at 4, 5 o' clock in the morning that he was born. And then they started putting out prayer requests that he's, he's not doing well, we need prayers. And I said right from the beginning that I'm going to be a greedy mum for prayers. And I said, I promise I'll share them around this hospital, but we need prayers.

0:16:15 - (Jony Raad): The best kind of mom.

0:16:16 - (Brigette Elias): And obviously we're isolated. Like, we couldn't really see many family members when you're in icu. We needed to protect him. But when everyone messaged, what can we do? I said, just pray. And people were sending me photos from all around the world of their candles being lit from lords in, you know, churches in Europe, their home altars here in Sydney. How can you not have the courage to keep going? How can you not keep fighting when you know you've got people rallying behind you? And I was so grateful because I sometimes question myself. I never thought I could go through something like this for someone that used to take their mum along with them for a blood test.

0:16:50 - (Brigette Elias): So now having a child battling in ICU and recovering from a very serious infection, and I deteriorated very rapidly in there mentally and physically. In a hospital environment, you know, you're not seeing the sun, you're not active. But I think it was prayer, it was community that got us through and putting my hands up. So when people did message, you know, what do you need? Or if I needed to have a chat or if I needed to have a cry, I think part of it as well was being Honest with myself.

0:17:19 - (Brigette Elias): And when I needed to have a cry, I knew who to call. And my husband was amazing. He was my rock and still is my rock throughout all of this, just having him there because he slept on this recliner chair for a whole month when I was living on the ward and didn't leave my side. And then, same thing the night of the icu, he didn't know where to go because he was. He was in the Niku eventually with Charbel, and he came back into my room trying to check on me, and I said, I'm fine. I'm going to be. I'm okay.

0:17:45 - (Brigette Elias): Stay there. And, you know. And he was very emotionally overwhelmed. I think you just have to make a decision just to keep moving forward. It's choices. It was like I could sit in this negative mindset and dwell and be like, why me? Why us? Why him? Why this little baby? And like, what did I do wrong? And question myself. What could I have done differently? I could have sat there and let myself. And those thoughts, do they come in? We're human.

0:18:11 - (Brigette Elias): They're always going to cross your mind. But then I had to make a decision. And I'll never forget that day post discharge. So when I had to leave the hospital. So I had to go down to the nicu. And it was easy living, like, living in that week. Like, post recovery, I'd get wheeled down, see him go back up, go back down. And he was close to me. So that night of leaving the hospital, I was very emotional because, again, that separation.

0:18:36 - (Jony Raad): So how long did you have to do that for? Leave the hospital, then come back?

0:18:39 - (Brigette Elias): Well, he was in the NICU for about six months. Six months? Five. Six months.

0:18:43 - (Jony Raad): Okay.

0:18:43 - (Brigette Elias): Yeah.

0:18:44 - (Jony Raad): So you basically lived there?

0:18:45 - (Brigette Elias): Yeah, it was pretty much our year. I was admitted in April. We didn't get out of the hospital till maybe just before Christmas time.

0:18:52 - (Eddie Reaiche): Please tell me it's a happy ending.

0:18:54 - (Brigette Elias): It's a beautiful ending.

0:18:55 - (Eddie Reaiche): Because I'm on the edge of my seat.

0:18:56 - (Brigette Elias): There's a beautiful ending. Thank God. No, there's a really beautiful ending. So because Charbel had the resuscitation and all the oxygen aids, it's common for a baby to go through, like, different. He had his lungs collapsed, so that's why he needed the higher oxygen requirements and things like that. So Xabo had quite a few procedures and a long, extended hospital stay. And he had five transfers between Westmead Hospital and then the Children's Hospital for different needs and doctors and the respiratory team and the other teams we were working with. At the time, which was overwhelming. But I made this decision, I was going to give it my best. This little boy is fighting and I have to fight with him.

0:19:36 - (Brigette Elias): And that gave. He gave me purpose, he gave me strength. And people would say, you're so strong. I'd say, he's stronger than me. I would cry every time they'd come and do it. Put a cannula in me. And at one stage, he had like three or four cannulas and a central line and these tubes and wires. And he'd still, he'd still give you a beautiful smile. And that's why I always say, like, he's had a big little life.

0:19:56 - (Brigette Elias): He's endured what most people don't go through in their entire lifetime, just in those few months. And I remember the doctors looking at me. So the first day of the nicu, I came, had my runners on, packed my hospital bag, and they're looking at me like they saw a ghost. They're like, bridget, are you okay? Are you okay to be standing? Because they had seen me really, like, weak looking in the wheelchair.

0:20:18 - (Brigette Elias): And I think it was this mental decision I had made that I was just. I was going to do and I was fine. And I look back at my time as a first time mum. Six weeks at home, postpartum recovery. And then this time I knew that there was nothing I could do to change. And I just. You just push yourself. You get this inner strength. You surprise yourself. There's this resilience and there's hope. There's hope, as I said, there's prayer, there's community.

0:20:43 - (Brigette Elias): There's so many things around us. And I never forget Mother's Day. So coming back to accepting help and things coming full circle. Mother's Day, every mother in the NICU was gifted, like a little package. And I had Happy Mother's Day. And I said, from your son, Charbel. And I still remember it. And it was like sweets and like a little care pack for the mum. And I just thought, wow, this is what it feels like.

0:21:05 - (Brigette Elias): We've all received acts of kindness, you know, from our own family and friends, but from a stranger, from people I don't know. There's someone that's prepared this for me. They don't know who I am, but they understand. I feel seen. And that's exactly what Glimpse of Heaven was about all these years. And because part of it as well, we were doing homeless feeds. I was coordinating breakfast for the homeless.

0:21:27 - (Brigette Elias): I knew they were coming to eat, but I also knew they were coming for the company and for the eye contact, because they want to be seen and valued. Then all of a sudden, full circle moment. I feel seen and I feel valued. Someone is seeing me as a new mum in this unpredictable situation, riding this NICU roller coaster in a place that

0:21:47 - (Jony Raad): gave you extreme anxiety.

0:21:49 - (Brigette Elias): Yep.

0:21:49 - (Jony Raad): That you never thought you'd encounter. That little pocket of heaven.

0:21:52 - (Brigette Elias): Yep.

0:21:53 - (Jony Raad): For yourself.

0:21:54 - (Brigette Elias): And Father's Day came around our birthdays when Shaba had 100 days in the hospital. The nurses beautifully put together this celebration and we were allowed to invite the grandparents. The hundred day celebration was actually the first time my son Raf met his brother because previously we thought it would just be too overwhelming. How does a two year old process an environment like this and meeting their little brother like this?

0:22:16 - (Brigette Elias): It was overwhelming for us to witness and see the visuals of all of that, let alone a two year old. So we waited until Shaba was a bit older, some of the tubes came out, he was a bit more stable. And then that was such a beautiful moment. And to know that these nurses facilitated that for us and for our family is forever special.

0:22:33 - (Eddie Reaiche): There's something I want to bring to attention, the word fight that you said. Because sometimes when we think of the word fighting, we see it in a bad way, sometimes we see it in a positive way. But the fight, the images that I get from what you told me, your story, the community fought, the people, the priests fought, the staff at the hospital's fought. I mean, going from one hospital to another. Westmead to the children's. Yeah, to the children's. And going from one hospital to another.

0:23:06 - (Eddie Reaiche): Everyone was supporting you, even though it wasn't you saying, please support me. They were there without you asking. So everybody was fighting. The prayers, people who come to your house, people who brought you food, people who brought you encouragement, brought you love, your husband. It can't be that comfortable sitting sleeping on those chairs for a month and

0:23:27 - (Brigette Elias): then going to work the next day.

0:23:29 - (Eddie Reaiche): And then going to work. He fought, you fought. And Charbel fought, everybody fought. But everyone fought the good fight. And I think that's more inspiring than anything else.

0:23:40 - (Brigette Elias): Just the collective.

0:23:41 - (Eddie Reaiche): Yes.

0:23:42 - (Brigette Elias): And another thing was just this sense of perspective, knowing that I wasn't being punished. You look around and just stepping out of my bubble and as I said before, the why me? Complex, why any of these children? Why any of these families? No one can escape suffering. We're all going to face something, some form of a trial in our life sooner or later. You check into that life account that you have your life bank, and you check into you know, the community. You put your hand up, you humble yourself to receive the help and the assistance that you need.

0:24:11 - (Brigette Elias): And I think that's what kept me going, this sense of perspective, looking around, meeting other families, chatting to the other mums. I had some beautiful conversations with other mums and really bringing glimpse of heaven into the ward. I couldn't run my charity project, but how can I emulate what I do outside of these four walls, this hospital, and bring it into the hospital? How can I help other families?

0:24:33 - (Brigette Elias): Some days I was consoled. Other days I was doing the consoling. The parents room is a beautiful place for conversations. The pumping room is a beautiful place for conversations. I met so many beautiful mums in there, and I'm not the type of person to approach someone, you know, that I don't know, but it was. I had this fight, this strength, this confidence in me, because I knew beyond these doors, no one was truly understanding what I was going through.

0:24:59 - (Brigette Elias): It's very hard. I explained the NICU as something, and just the hospital life in general, it's something you don't wish on anybody yet. No one will truly understand unless they've lived it. Even some of the nurses would say to me, this is our job. But we don't even fully understand what you're going through because they could emotionally detach and remove themselves from it. So I think that's why I made that effort to forge friendships in there.

0:25:21 - (Brigette Elias): And these women I still. I still keep in touch with, and we check on each other's kids and we have outpatient appointments and we try to, you know, tee up seeing each other. It's. It's powerful.

0:25:30 - (Jony Raad): There's beauty in a shared experience. I find when you know, somebody's lived an experience that you've lived that nobody else can understand, it's an automatic connection that goes beyond.

0:25:43 - (Brigette Elias): Yeah, definitely. So, like, yeah, the clown doctors, we had all kinds of visitors. It was great. I welcome. I welcomed all of it. I think I used to look forward to the clown doctors. I always donate to the clown doctors every time I see them in the

0:25:53 - (Jony Raad): shopping centers, because I'm like, you can't. Guys are doing the good work.

0:25:57 - (Eddie Reaiche): Starlight.

0:25:57 - (Brigette Elias): They're just these people. I call them Earth Angels. The doctors, the nurses. And I used to turn because my background's in journalism and I love writing. So I would sit there in the ward because eventually Shaba was transitioned to the respiratory ward. This is. Was, towards the end of the NICU stay, transitioned to a ward. So that means you're one step Closer to coming home. But that means I also could sleep at the hospital, which had its own challenges. Again, the separation from our older one. But I knew it was one step to coming home.

0:26:24 - (Eddie Reaiche): Bridget Going back to my nursing years, I remember nighttime was such a different space than during the day. Nighttime, the noise was either people snoring or beeps and machines going off. And it's usually the quietest and most loneliest times because you're on skeleton staff and people are trying to deal. You've got one person running around trying to deal with everybody, and you've got so much time on your hand.

0:26:56 - (Eddie Reaiche): And it's a very quiet time now in your time in the NICU. And I know that in NICUs, it's really hard because you just live by noises. And the noises are the beeps, the alarms and all those things that go through.

0:27:09 - (Brigette Elias): Very stimulating environment, very stimulating.

0:27:11 - (Eddie Reaiche): And I wonder, during that time, how did you keep sane? Because it's difficult. And I know that just working there, it was difficult to stay sane. But as a person who just looked around and saw people running and not having to do anything and helpless, was there anything you did to keep sane?

0:27:31 - (Brigette Elias): There were a few strategies. One thing was writing, just coming back to my writing, and I'd sit and write reflections. So there was one night that I wrote something about embracing the season that you're in. It was a Saturday night, I was in the hospital. I'm going through social media, people are out, and here I am sitting in a ward again, the lights are dimmed. My son was asleep, so that's when he was in the ward ward. And I was sleeping there overnight, extremely lonely. And I think that's where I felt it the most.

0:27:58 - (Brigette Elias): And obviously we had so many family messages and friends contacting, but there's no. And the nurses, as you said, the nurse ratio is a bit less overnight. So you. Do you feel it. So I think writing was a huge strategy for me and being able to share because I didn't overly share the medical side of things, but I thought if I could give people just a little bit of insight, inspiration into this world, a sense of perspective, and do it in a nice, a gentle way.

0:28:24 - (Brigette Elias): One thing I shared was being in the hospital these last months has taught me so much the importance of embracing the season you're in and finding the peace within, to thank God for it all. If tonight you are out, enjoy it. And if tonight you're staying in, enjoy it. If tonight your plans didn't go as expected, I hope you find something in your Day to celebrate. Tonight, a fellow hospital mum got us dinner and I'm on snacks duty for our night shift.

0:28:49 - (Brigette Elias): The beauty of this place are the families you meet. You all have different stories, but you mutually understand what many never will. Tonight may not be the most ideal of Saturday nights, but I'm grateful for the simple yet grand gift of life. Grateful to be surrounded by so many inspiring children, nurses, doctors and parents all fighting for a nurturing life 24 hours a day. Tonight and every night. My only hope is, is that my prayers travel through every corner of this hospital.

0:29:18 - (Brigette Elias): Prayers for every beautiful child. Prayers to console and comfort every parent who lay awake on the same recliner chair beside their children, attempting to get some form of rest amidst the relentless beeping of monitors and their own restless thoughts.

0:29:32 - (Eddie Reaiche): Well, now you're a journalist. Yeah.

0:29:35 - (Jony Raad): And a writer.

0:29:36 - (Eddie Reaiche): That's really well put.

0:29:37 - (Brigette Elias): That was, yeah, that was a huge emotional support for me. Just putting things into words and just the outpour of love. I got back from that saying, Bridgette, thank you for that perspective or my kids. My kids, you know, stressed me out today. Thank you. I wrote another reflection saying, I prayed for the crumbs. I prayed for the fingerprints. I couldn't wait to get back into my kitchen again. I couldn't wait to clean up mess again.

0:30:01 - (Brigette Elias): As crazy as that sounds, I couldn't wait for the everyday mundane because our whole world had changed. Our life had, had stopped. I wasn't doing my weekly grocery shops. I'd walk into the grocery store and look around and go, I can't even meal plan. Like, I don't. Life just felt for an anxious person. We, we function better on order and structure. We like to know what's happening because it makes us feel comfortable and at ease.

0:30:25 - (Brigette Elias): And then when you're in the deep end, you know, it comes back to that surrender and that trust. That trust that my two year old's okay with his grandparents and his aunties and uncles. Because there was those questions again. Is he going to be traumatised by this? And just having that trust there, having the trust when Shaba was in the NICU and I couldn't stay overnight, this is the best place for him to be right now.

0:30:47 - (Brigette Elias): He's getting the best care possible by these doctors and nurses. So coming back to that trust as well was huge for me. And then as well, coming back to, how do I bring in the glimpse of heaven? How can I support another family? I'd keep like little sticker books in my bag, give them to kids, because that made me feel Like I had some kind of control in an environment I didn't have control in. I'd bring in Shaba wipes and linen. They had nappies at the hospital. I didn't need to bring any of those things in, but it just gave me a sense of purpose, gave me that role as a mother that I could just, you know, take home his washing. And I was. I was going to do the washing anyway, so I wanted to wash his things.

0:31:21 - (Brigette Elias): So things like that just got me through as well as the rioting, of course.

0:31:26 - (Eddie Reaiche): How is Charbel now? I think we all. We're all dying today.

0:31:31 - (Brigette Elias): He is a miracle boy in every sense of the word. All his medical teams agree that he's a miracle. For someone that's gone through what he has, he's doing really well. He was discharged on low flow oxygen, so we had to navigate life at home with an oxygen tank and he's still considered an outpatient, but he's doing really well. He's babbling. We do intensive therapy again, the positive mindset. I'm so grateful that we have access to so much here and all the therapies, things like that. He says, mum, he's enjoying his food.

0:31:59 - (Brigette Elias): He adores his brother and his family and his brother adores him right back. And it's just been beautiful to see his journey and where he's at and to see him smile. And I say, if Sharbel can smile, we can all smile, because he's just. He's a warrior in every sense. So I'm very proud of him. I'm proud to be his mum. I know so many people have prayed for me. I still bump into people in the shops and they're like, oh, my gosh, is this Charbel? And he's still in. You know, my children are still praying for him and we still mention him in, in our prayers and I'm so grateful because they continue to carry us through.

0:32:28 - (Brigette Elias): Another thing I wanted to add was just how important it is to find sanctuary. And a lot of my journey has been about calming down from a very stimulating environment, regulating my nervous system again, getting back into my kitchen, nourishing my family, doing just the everyday things and just seeing the blessing in it all, because that's what I was praying for the whole time. And now, I mean, I'm enjoying it. And as I said, we still, the hospital will still be a part of our life.

0:32:54 - (Brigette Elias): And I've had to reconcile and accept that it is going to be a part of our life. It wasn't just a chapter we could close and I could pick up my son and just say no more. Hospitals, we still have medical care teams involved, but we are getting back on track and as I said, just continuing this notion of just seeing the good in everything and just being inspired by what's around us.

0:33:14 - (Eddie Reaiche): Bridget, I have to tell you, a lot of it's so inspiring, particularly bringing up words like surrender, how you managed to make it through and with love and the love not only you gave, but the love that you received from everyone around you. I think that was really important and that's inspiring in itself. We come from a great community, we come from a great country and everything about this is just beauty. And it just goes to show how things so bad can sometimes go so right with the love and support that you can get from people around you, the people who care most.

0:33:51 - (Eddie Reaiche): Jodie, is there anything you'd like to wrap up with?

0:33:54 - (Jony Raad): I just want to thank Bridget for bringing the hope to those that needed it, even though you were going through so much yourself. It's very inspiring and encouraging and I hope the take home message can be that in our suffering we can still bring that hope to others.

0:34:12 - (Brigette Elias): Still good, there's still light. There's always a way to bring light into darkness. I hope that's what people get from this.

0:34:18 - (Eddie Reaiche): Thanks, Bridget. Thank you so much.

0:34:19 - (Jony Raad): Thank you so much for coming.

0:34:21 - (Eddie Reaiche): Thanks, Jody, for joining us as well today. It's been great.

0:34:24 - (Brigette Elias): Thank you so much.

0:34:32 - (C): I hope this episode has helped you find sanctuary in this exciting journey of life. All of the resources we've mentioned in this episode are found in the podcast Notes. If you need some assistance with any of the topics discussed in today's episode, then please visit our website hshl. If you have any thoughts, comments or ideas, please leave us a comment on Spotify. Alternatively, send us an email@adminshl.org

0:35:00 - (C): au you& your mental health matters to us and we hope you get one step closer in finding sanctuary. Bye for now.