Letting go and living life on your terms

I'm back from a short break and ready to spill the tea... in a way!

I've been going through an interesting situation this week and I wanted to share exactly how I went from anger-fuelled-rage to neutral and dissociated within 24 hours.

This is about being aware that you are in control and others can't force you to feel a certain way – you decide how you react and what you let go of.

We'll be discussing more on the shadow technique I did in 10 minutes that allowed me to forgive someone, as well as other forgiveness techniques and how you can live your life on your terms.

If you loved this episode, leave a 5-star review so more women like you can find this space 🤍

Have feedback or have a listener question? Email me at lex@alexia-eleni.com or DM me at @alexia_monda on Instagram!

Sending you loving kindness today and always, Lex xxx

Transcript

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Welcome to the Lexicon for Life podcast. I'm your host, Alexia, but you can call me Lex. Before we get into today's episode, I want to take a moment with you. Whatever you're doing, wherever you are, I want you to be where your feet are and come to the present moment with the breath. Taking a deep breath in for four, three, two, one. Holding at the top for four, three, two, one, and exhaling out of the mouth for six, five, four, three, two, one. Now you may take a moment to pause here and breathe deeply again, or let the episode play. Sending loving kindness to you today and always enjoy. Hello darling. Welcome back to another episode of the Lexicon for Life podcast. So I'm back. Had a bit of a break. I had my birthday about 10 days ago actually today. Turned 31. Loved love that for me. I love getting older. And I guess I was able to do a lot of reflecting and look at my year just gone and my year ahead and how much I guess how much I have grown in the last year, my first year of my 30s, which has been incredible to say the least. And very just a lot of lessons have happened along the way as well, through not just turning 30, but obviously having my wedding and all this other stuff that's been going on in between that family, work, business, all kinds of stuff. So had some time to reflect, which was lovely, and I really do enjoy doing that. Um, what else has been going on? I've just been doing me, I've been going to Pilates. I was a bit sick for a little bit as well before my birthday. So I just took some time to re like just rest. I think I took a whole day off of work because I was like, I just need to actually let my body completely rest and recuperate rather than try to like do things, little things here and there when I was ill, and then um yeah, just and you end up extending that stuff anyway. So I was like, I'm just gonna take the day off, do absolutely nothing, and it just helped me immensely with that, as well as the over-the-counter Sudafed, which you have to give up your license for, because yeah, we all know the the good shits in that. Um, but it did help as well quick quicken my recovery. Speed up my recovery is probably a better word. Anyway, so good times. Um, I'm really keen to actually jump on this episode today because I had a one-on-one client this morning for NLP um for a quick NLP session. It was about an hour. We've worked together before, and she's done NLP before and hypnose, so she knew the drill. It's very easy. Once you kind of do it a few times, it's really easy to tap into the subconscious mind and to go through the things uh that we do, like timeline therapy. So that was really cool when we got to clear the fear today, which was excellent because she wanted to move forward with these things, and she has business goals and there's new business things that she wants to birth, but of course, can't move forward unless we clear the foundation, can't build on something that is rocky, something that is not solid. When yeah, it's just things come crumbling down very easily, or you feel like you're going around in circles because the patterns and the subconscious behavior and the programming and the thoughts just remain the same rather than clearing it up. So that was a really awesome session that I had with her. But why I'm actually on this episode today about living life on your terms versus living your life for other people is the conversations I've been having recently, and actually something that I have been dealing with that has been really emotional for me and very triggering. So for myself, the last few days have been quite fueled with uh anger and frustration because of something that's been happening in my business with to do with someone else that's outside of my business, another business owner. So someone outside of my business is trying to control what I can and cannot do within my business. So I'm not gonna name names, I'm not gonna name what it is or who it's about. I'm just being as general as possible because I want to give you the context of what I've been dealing with and how I've been dealing with it, and just being a human and being okay with being not regulated all the time in emotions, like this is real life. This I'm not being delusional of like you have to be regulated all the time and happy and blah blah blah and positive, and like that's just not how life works. So I want to be real with you guys and show you from my perspective and from a real experience that I literally just had. I actually just did a clearing on myself about 10 minutes ago. So I'm gonna walk you through what's been going on, what I've been feeling, and how I've just managed to forgive this whole situation. So someone outside of my business is trying to control what I'm doing and cannot do. And I have been feeling super reactive, wanting to confront them, wanting to like getting angry, getting triggered, feeling frustrated, feeling all of these like easily triggered, hypersensitive to this particular situation and this person, and just feeling really hurt and upset by this situation as well. Because you know, feelings come up like this isn't fair, I'm not doing anything wrong. All these things that come up that's like what like even last night, just talking about it over dinner. I'm going, like, what is happening? Why is this happening? What is going on? Like, I can't believe this is a thing, like what the heck? It just doesn't make any sense, and you know, I've done nothing but been nice and blah blah blah. So I'm kind of gone through and I was in such a heat, especially yesterday afternoon, when I was talking about it with my team and with my husband, it's just like I got, you know, when you recap or you reiterate a story and you go straight back into the feeling. I know now, like repeating it to you guys, if I talk if I talked about this exactly how I'm talking about it to you, but yesterday I would have been so emotionally wired and like getting sweaty and heated, and like it's like it takes you back right into that feeling of the anger and the frustration, and now I feel so disconnected from it just from like doing literally a 10-minute um clearing process, like shadow process. So I'll keep going with what I was talking about. Where I'm going with this is living a life on your terms versus for you know how other people think you should live your life, or or doing things where you say, Oh, that person made me feel angry, and that that situation made me upset. And I'll be honest, like I was like, they're making me feel this way, and they're making me feel that way, and like it just was pissing me off because I was like, Why am I feeling like this? And I'm so it really tested my myself and my patience, and ultimately I realized that I have to come back to me and how I do things and not worry about letting them dictate what I do. Why do I why would I let someone else dictate what I do or how I feel and give away my power? And it just and then it annoyed me further yesterday when I was like, oh my god, I'm feeling angry again. I've let it happen, I've let them control how I feel. They've got they're number wiser to how I'm feeling about this situation, and it's like you know, when I talk about people talk about resentment all the time, where it's like you drink the poison and hope that your enemy dies, right? Like hope the other person dies from the poison that you drank, but it's just more of that feeling sitting in you, and you start to obsess over it, and it ruminates in you. So it was really testing me like yesterday, just as a practitioner, like you know, I'm still a human, I still have these things that I go through, and I need the healer, heal thyself. Like, I always am practicing healing myself and going through these processes as my own coach and working on these things with other coaches as well, and then I can help because if I clear my own stuff and I clear my muddy water, then I'm able to help someone else. Like I'm able to give from such a good place, instead of you know, me being in my own situations and feelings and thoughts, and then on top of that, having to be there for someone else and be there for a client, I can actually be super clear and open and ready to go to see all of that really clearly and help someone get to where they need to get to. Sorry if you can hear this um plane kind of going overhead. I think it was it's very low at the moment. So apologies if you can hear that kind of humming in the background. Anywho, so when I do things, and this is what I kind of came to the conclusion of just before, when I do things that annoy other people, it's not my problem. Why did it bother me so much that this person is trying to control what I do and not consider my feelings or other people? Because it wasn't just affecting me, it was affecting other people around me as well. So it was because my projection is that I would never do that, like that is not me, and therefore I was making a judgment based on what they were doing, and it was affecting me so much, it was making me angry, it was making me annoyed, it was making me feel like this wasn't fair, they're being inconsiderate, blah, blah, blah. So, because I because I have a huge shadow about that, obviously, that I was like, I'm not that kind of person, I'm a considerate person. I'm not rude, I'm not this, I'm not that. Um, I always think about other people. And then it occurred to me during that time as I was writing this out, I was like, oh, I should probably do a shadow on this before I even hop onto this episode to record because I actually need to clear it. And I'm so glad that I did because this would have been a completely different episode 20 minutes ago had I not done this. So I actually went back into my um my notes and my technique here with the shadow integration process through what I've studied in master practitioner training for NLP. And I just wrote out what the emotions and the thoughts and the traits were when picturing this person or the situation. So I wrote down it, you know, the thoughts, emotions, or traits that they or the situation has. Inconsiderate, rude, I said like not understanding of others, nice to my face, um, not honest or upfront, greedy. Um, they set boundaries, so like it can be negative and positive things too, because setting boundaries is not a bad thing. Um, not caring if other people like them or not, and indirectness. So then I went through this process of okay, I listed out all of those negative elements and some positive ones of what are the emotions, thoughts, actions, or inactions, behaviors, and traits that trigger me about this person or this situation. Then I kind of skipped over a little bit. So I did a really light version of what the shadow integration process actually looks like. It is quite it's better because it's more in depth than when I'm coaching someone through this process, it's a lot more subconscious. Whereas for myself, doing it on myself, it's a bit more in the conscious, subconscious, um, in a bit of both, right? So I had to close my eyes and remember what I had to say to myself as a coach and have the realizations as the client. So it was a bit of an interesting one for me to do on myself, but ultimately I actually got to where I wanted to be, which was neutral about the whole situation and disassociate the emotions completely from the person and the situation at hand. So as I said before, I listed all those emotions, thoughts, and traits that were triggering me. And then I stepped into the body of that person, or you know, you become the situation. And it's like kind of this you what we say, we put a virtual reality helmet on of them, and they're looking at you. So there's like you look at them, say what annoys you or what bothers you, what triggers you, and then you become that person or the situation as a result. So you you integrate as that person and you are looking at yourself. Then you go into this line of questioning, you know, what are you feeling? What do you experience? So I wrote down, actually typed it out while my eyes were closed, which was uh such a skill, I think. Um, which is giving me such like flashbacks to when we did IT back in year six, and you had to like learn how to, what was it, like the touch type stuff? And I was like, oh my god, I wrote, I literally wrote out on my computer what I was feeling and how what I was experiencing as this person. I wrote frustrated, sore, pain, anger, fear, protection. So as the person that was triggering me, I automatically felt this like shift in my body. Like physiologically, I felt like heavier, I felt like oh, like pain and sore, and like I said, anger and fear. And I felt these like feelings of protection, like I'm trying to protect something, which I thought was really interesting because I wouldn't have consciously like thought of that. So I'm this person, and then going through the process of you know, um, this other line of questioning. So as a coach, I would say to me protect well having the helmet on as that person, looking at Alexia, so looking at myself as the other person, looking at Alexia, can you see that they have in their life in some way or another expressed or suppressed being inconsiderate to the same degree as you have, to the same quality or quantity through their whole life? So when we say things like to the same degree as you, it means either the quality, so like it could happen once where you were like super inconsiderate or you wanted to be super inconsiderate but you weren't, which is the suppressed version, um, or the quantity, so just like a small amount of times that that comes to the same degree as you have been inconsiderate, for an example. So if I go back through Alexia's life and I can look at her and and think in her life, through her whole life, in some way or another, has she, Alexia, expressed or suppressed being inconsiderate to the same degree as you have? I immediately said, yes, Alexia has suppressed being inconsiderate to the same degree as you have expressed me, the person, as I have expressed being inconsiderate. Because the expressed and suppressed is really interesting here because when we have like a not me identity, and you know, like I said before, I would like I'm not the person to be inconsiderate, Alexia being me. I would say I'm a considerate person or I try to be. But also I know that there's situations in my life where I have been inconsiderate before, and but to the more so of the degree, if I were to split it, I would say that Alexia has been more suppressed of her you know being inconsiderate. She's suppressed that a lot more than actually expressing her being inconsiderate. Hopefully, this is all making sense for you guys. Please let me know if this absolutely made no sense. I would love to reiterate this. But let's use another one. So I did looking at Alexia. Can you see? So I'm the I'm the other person. Remember that? So as a coach, I would say looking at Alexia, can you see that they have in their life in some way or another expressed or suppressed being rude to the same degree as you have? So I think as Alexia, sorry, I'm going back and forth here. This is why it's difficult to explain, because it's like I'm the client and the coach. So I said yes, I Alexia has in her entire life expressed and suppressed being rude to the same degree as I have been rude in in Alexia's mind. Because really, we don't know how rude or or not this person actually is, right? This person that I am in this situation being the person who's triggered me. So as I go through this list of the traits and the emotions that me, Alexia, listed out earlier that trigger me from this person that has been triggering me, I knock off one thing at a time. So inconsiderate, rude, nice to my face, not honest, greedy, boundary setting, not caring if other people like them, indirect, blah blah blah. So as I was going through this list of okay, looking at Alexia to the same degree as you, has she expressed or suppressed um setting boundaries in her life to the same degree as you have? And I and yeah, that was a big one for me. And I was like, fuck. Alexia has suppressed setting boundaries, she wishes that she could have, and that is why I Alexia, I had such a visceral reaction to someone else setting boundaries because I realized this is where shadow comes in, this is where the mirror and the projection comes in. And I've probably and I've spoken about this on the shadow work episode before, but I'm telling you in real time, like this stuff works. So asking myself, like looking at me, Alexia, as the other person that triggered me, just consciously going through this activity was huge for me. It took me about 10 minutes, helped me understand the person who's been triggering me, why they've been triggering me. Because really, that person, they're just doing what they're doing. They are none the wiser to how it has affected me emotionally and mentally. Okay. So they're just doing what they're doing, whatever their intention is, is irrelevant because it's how I have absorbed and taken, and and the perception that I have had from this whole situation is actually on me. It's not about them. They have delivered me a perfect example of here. Oh, Lex, you think you fucking evolved? Here we go. Here's a list of all the things that just triggered you, and you went right into the emotion about it. And like, I just can't like thinking about it now. I'm like, fuck, I really just did a number on myself yesterday. Like, I did a number on myself. They didn't do a number on me, they just presented a situation and a triggering situation at that that took me all the way to those places that I hide, those shadows that I keep hidden in the depths of my subconscious mind, because I was avoiding even considering that I can be an inconsiderate person, or I should allow myself to be okay with being inconsiderate sometimes. Like it's okay to be rude, or like you know, to a degree, but like what does that mean? What does rude mean? It might mean something different to me as it does to you. I might, you know, watch the same thing happening, and you're next to me, and I think, oh my god, that was so rude of them. And you would go, oh no, that was like good of them, that was setting a boundary. Like, we could experience the two completely different things based on our perception and our shadows and how we are projecting all these things into the world. So while what the situation was that they were presenting me to then had was not inconsiderate, was not rude, was not deceiving or anything like that. They are just doing what they do. Maybe to them it was setting boundaries and being protective of their business or whatever it is. I don't know, I'm just assuming. But to me, it was completely different because of my perception of what that situation brought up for me. So hopefully this is all making sense. But I know that there is something in your life, someone or a situation where you have a problem. And you have been triggered by this person or this situation, where to someone else, this would not be an issue. It would not be a triggering experience or someone that would trigger you because of the trait that they might possess that annoys you. Because ultimately we're all looking at life through our own lenses. And I've mentioned this before in a couple of other episodes of, you know, when you go to the movies with a friend, and the movie is the movie. It doesn't change. But you and the friend next to you may have, you've watched two completely different versions of that movie based on what you're filtering for, based on what you agree and don't agree with, based on your identity and what you see is right or wrong, or what you see is, oh, that's funny or that's not funny. Like it's all based on your identity at the end of the day and how you are perceiving life. Your reality is your perception, perception is reality. So I did the shadow technique on myself and I feel way better about it. And I feel like this instant, as soon as I came out of that person's body and went back into mine and integrated those feelings and integrated and like breathed in the experience and the sensations of, oh, okay, I get it now. It hadn't like, you know, that had everything to do with me and not with them. Then I was able to actually let go of it and think about running into that person in the future and seeing them because this is called future pacing, you know. You want to be able to think of that person or that situation. Like, how do you feel? What do you want to say? How do you react to them? How do you whatever, right? Is it different or is it the same? And I felt just neutral about it. Like, if I see them, I'm not gonna be like, you know, going out of my way to be friendly, but I'm also not gonna go out of my way to be rude. I'm just gonna like it is what it is, and like it just, yeah, to me, I'm just like, well, whatever. That is exactly where we want to be, especially when there's been something that's been super triggering for us. So I thought of another technique that I had out here as well called called the forgiveness technique, um, which is really interesting as well, but it's probably it's a it's a hypnotherapy process. Um, but well, uh while I was rereading it, I thought, no, this needs to actually be um something that I bring up with my coach that I would like to do a forgiveness process just to really solidify because the shadow shadow integration is really good for these kinds of things, but so much better when you can go deeper into the subconscious with hypnotherapy uh process or technique, and it actually creates um this forgiveness process is more like cord cutting. It is a you create a space in your subconscious mind, you know, you visualize somewhere, a place, a space, wherever. And people that you need to forgive automatically present themselves one at a time in this space, and you learn things on how to forgive them based on what's happening um around you. So it's a super interesting. I really actually love this forgiveness process. I remember doing it as a client when I first was doing um when I was a client about four years ago doing NLP and hypno with my coach. And I remember having this forgiveness process, and my biological dad came up, and I remember exactly what this forgiveness process looked like, and I was at this, I'm probably digressing here, but um, I wanted to explain what this kind of goes through. The forgiveness process is you know, I went into a sanctuary, I created a space for me. It was along a riverbank, and there was this beautiful river flowing. Um, and I was just sitting on this rock next to my inner child, I think it was as well. Trying to remember now. Um, so I was sitting next to my inner child. She was about, I think I I said she was about five years old. It can be any any age, but for me she was five. And on the other side of the river, through the bushes, like through the um the forest, my biological dad appeared, and we were, I was, you know, not having a conversation because he's it's you set up a barrier. So for a forgiveness process, you have to set up a barrier to help you feel safe. So it's like bringing out one person at a time that you need to forgive, and that you can set up barriers, like there's you know, the river was my barrier. Okay, he couldn't come across, I couldn't go across. And then we were I was able to empty out, just getting everything off my chest, the good and the bad, what I wanted to say, yelling, screaming, whatever, like anything I could do that I wanted to tell him, I was able to do in a safe environment with my inner child next to me and things that she wanted me to say for her as well, which was um really, really transformative. And then after all of that was said and done, it I then was able to use what I what I had expressed um as it's forgiving that person for all the bad they have done because it taught me X, Y, and Z, and I forgive them for the good because it it showed me how to do blah blah blah. So there's a way where the forgiveness technique you end up like forgiving the person for the bad and thanking them for the good, right? And then you cut the tie. So there's usually a cord or something between you and the person, and you locate it, you cut it with something that you can use scissors, a knife, a sword, lightsaber, whatever it is, and letting the energy return from them. Once you cut the cord, all of that energy comes back to you, and it helps you heal. So for me, it was like this cord. I cut it with like these massive scissors. I even like I think I used my hands at one point to actually use this these massive like cord cutting scissors, because it was a pretty thick cord in my mind, and then I cut it and I just saw all this energy just zapping back into my heart, and I blessed them and set them free, and they just walked off into the distance um and disappeared, and then you know, describing what was happening then, what's changed, what does this mean, and just being able to clear that out, and then repeating that process with the next person that would appear if there was anyone else that would appear. So super interesting. I hope that like interested you. It's very um, it's very cool, and you know, it's it's a safe way to do something like that. That really is transformative because it it just dissociated my me emotionally from that person and it helped me move on because again, forgiveness is the antidote to resentment. It you know, again, like I said before, you take the poison thinking that person's gonna be affected, right? The forgiveness is the antidote to that. You can actually, it's letting go fully and releasing. That is what an example of a release process looks like. So, yeah, that's just been I just wanted to share that with you and be super vulnerable in that sense of what's been happening in my life, how I just was able to now in real time go through this process and let go of the emotion that I had attached to this this person that was triggering me and the situation situation that was triggering me. And I think healing, the healing journey in particular is an interesting one because we're always on this journey. It's never there's never an end to this journey. And we're always life is always bringing us new lessons and new things to teach us, but also in different ways. So if you haven't learnt a lesson yet, your life is going to bring you experiences in a different costume, is what I like to call it. It's the same experience in a different costume, it's the same teaching or the lesson in a different costume than what you might have seen. You know, when you hear about people, they're like, oh, I dated the same person three times, kind of thing, or I went, I did the same job in three different industries, but I had the same shitty boss. Like life is going to come up with new ways to show you the things you haven't fully learned yet. Because you're until you when you learn something, you then change how you operate, you change what you do, you change how you think. Over time, of course, these things are learned. But if you don't learn it enough, or you haven't maybe done you've done 95% of the learning, and there's a tiny little 5% situation that comes up, just like the one I had yesterday, where it just fully triggers you, and you're like, what the actual fuck is going on right now? Like, why is this happening? And I just laugh now, like literally, you couldn't even talk to me about this situation 24 hours ago because I was absolutely livid. Like I came home and I was like throwing, throwing stuff on the bed. I was like, you know, I think I'd wanted to scream into the pillow at one point, which I probably should have because I would have expressed the anger. But I just like was holding on to something and like a pair of socks, and I just like smashed it into the bed, and I was like, fuck sakes, like I was just so actually so angry. And I'm laughing at that now. Do you know what I mean? Like, isn't that the fucking weirdest thing ever? And like our brain is so weird, like it just yeah, it baffles me completely. But I love that's why I love this work so much because I changed that in the space of 10 minutes. Oh my god, just incredible. Anyway, so living life on your terms means coming back to your default setting as quickly as possible. Now, what does that mean? So let's use my example again. I've come back to my default setting, which is neutral about the situation that triggered me. Within the space of 24 hours, actually, within the space of 10 minutes, if we talk about, you know, maybe how I would have felt earlier today had we recorded this episode. Um, I might have been super in my feelings about it and wouldn't have been able to explain all of this stuff to you as well as I can or try to, because I would have been stuck in my emotions about it. You would have heard it as well. So, how quickly can you release something that's been bothering you and let it pass so that you can come back to your default? Now, I'm not it I'm not saying that things are never gonna bother you again, because fuck knows, like I'll probably be driving to dinner tonight and some something's gonna bother me, you know, driving um across town to non-nur's for dinner, right? There's there's bound to be something that comes up in life. It just does, and we can't stop it, and that's fine. But how quickly can I come back to my default setting of how I am usually, which is pretty chill, non-emotional, and non-reactive. But that never that wasn't my default setting a couple of years ago. Had you known me a couple of years ago, which some of you do if you're listening, um, hello, and and thanks for being here and listening to my voice. I those of you that know me from years ago, you would have known that I was easily triggered and emotional and reactive and all the things. But over time and over clearing and doing all of this work, this this hypno NLP clearing work and rebuilding and basically reinventing myself and my identity, my default is chill. It's yeah, whatever. Okay, cool. And things will affect me. And I bounce back with you know, relatively quickly in the grand scheme of things. I don't let uh I don't let things ruminate in my mind for longer than they need to, or sit in the shit, as um as we call it sometimes, like, you know, uh there's this saying that when you wrestle with a pig in the mud, the only one that's enjoying it is the pig. So it's I find that a really I think I've I've said it properly, but basically when you're wrestling with a with a pig, or which could be a situation or someone that triggers you, it's got the pig is the the pig is unfazed by the wrestling. It thinks this is a good fucking time, right? You are the one expending energy trying to wrestle this thing in the mud and sit in it, and you're actually just wasting your time and energy and resources on something you're not gonna win because it there's actually no battle at all because the pig is fucking loving loving this, right? So where in your life are you wrestling a pig? So silly to say that, but truly, where in your life are you wrestling a situation or a person mentally that they're actually either not phased or they're enjoying it? They're enjoying you being at up in arms about it. And where can and let that go because when you realize that fuck, like the only person that's being bothered here is me, then that's where healing starts to come in, and that's you start to zoom out, you start to question your own, like, okay, what the fuck is this all about? Like, why am I doing this to myself? Honestly, then you can start to go through those things of okay, why did it trigger me? Like what I just did with my shadow integration. Yeah, I think you need to think about who the pig is. And maybe it's you, maybe you're the pig and you're secretly enjoying the misery and getting a second gain out of it, a secondary gain, which is really um interesting. I'd love to do a whole episode on secondary gain. I think it is super underrated in an awareness piece. Anyway, I was going to talk to you about a friend of mine who I had a conversation with too, um, talking about her relationship and something she wanted to explore um within herself and within the relationship as this new relationship, but she was afraid what her friends and family would think. So I'll probably just dive into this really quickly and then we can wrap this episode up because I've spoken for longer than I had anticipated. But my friend called me the other day, she was pretty upset, and she's just she wasn't sure what to do, what's going on, like just kind of really unsure of where to move from here. And you know, by the end of this conversation on the phone, sh I she had the answers, and I knew that she had the answers because ultimately we all have the answers that we need. Sometimes it is nicer to vent about it and get everything because when you're thinking about a situation, something, whatever's going on in your mind, it it's on a feedback loop. You're on this negative feedback loop in your mind of the thoughts that you're having. And this is why journaling is so important, or talking to a therapist or someone like a third party, because you convent, and basically you get all of the words out that were keeping you in an emotional state, like she was, and then she was able to get to logical answering and reasoning, um, which is what she uh wanted to do anyway, and she already had the answer. The answer was buried in her emotions and in the emotional state and the ruminating thoughts that were going on in her mind. So she basically I just let her talk for like 10 minutes, get all the emotions out, empty out, then we could get into a conversation, and I could ask a couple of more questions, and we went back and forth for a while. And ultimately got to the point where she had mentioned sh the real cause of this anxiety that she was feeling, is she was afraid what her friends and family would think if she went to them and said, you know, I'm gonna do this, or I'm exploring this and um within myself, or this is what's happening in my relationship, um, and talking to people that she loves, her loved ones, about it, and and being afraid of rejection, really, like the two main fears that people have is a fear of rejection and the fear of abandonment. And I said to her, the fear of rejection and the fear of abandonment is closely linked to your fear of your fear center, which is placed at the back of your brain. It is the oldest part of your brain, because when we were in caveman times and you were rejected or abandoned by your tribe, you had to fucking go and fend for yourself. You weren't protected or safe, and you were then exiled, and you probably get eaten by a lion. You didn't have shelter, you didn't have um protection, you didn't have food, you didn't have water if you were abandoned or rejected. That is the baseline for every single fear of rejection and abandonment that we can have. Um, obviously, past experiences also create that. I had a major fear of abandonment when I was um for the longest time until I cleared it, because I had that experience of being abandoned by my own dad when I was young. Okay. And sorry, I'm just burped there. Oh, a little bit of a my body's visceral my body's reacting to that. It's like, oh yeah, like let that go. Just had a little burp. So interesting. Anyway, moving on. So I said to her, Okay, if your family and friends were totally fine with you telling them this, would you do it? Would you actually go ahead and do it? She said, Yeah, absolutely. I said, Okay, so you're living your life based on other people. Why are you doing that? And she basically just said that, you know, if I told my sister that, or if I told my brother that, or if I told my mum or dad that, you know, this is like I feel like, oh, you know, they should love me for who I am and all these things. I said, okay, that's good. And then I asked her, Well, what if your, you know, sibling came to you tomorrow and said, Hey, I want to do this and this, or this is my journey, based on what she was telling me. Obviously, I'm not gonna um give that information away here. But, you know, this is the situation I'm in, and she would come to her, he or she, whatever sibling. And then my friend said, Oh, well, I would think that they're crazy and be like, What are you doing? And then in the same breath, she thought and said to me, Oh, that's because you know, that's how I feel about the situation. And I said, ding ding ding, bingo, like that is you just described a mirror. You just described a shadow projection. So, like I was saying before, the shadow projection that she was putting on to her siblings, her fear, her fear of rejection, her fear that her family and friends would think her fear about herself, like what her judgment was. It just like I thought, oh my god, this is all falling into place. Because she realized it in the moment, as soon as she said it, fuck, okay, oh, it's not about me. It's it's not about them, it's about me. And I said, Yeah, because you're afraid that they're gonna confirm your greatest fears, that you're crazy, or that this is what are you doing, and this is not you, and blah blah blah. And I was like, but really at the end of the day, you're just judging yourself, and you're just afraid that other people are gonna confirm that judgment. That that is the essence of mirror people that are mirrors around us, the shadow, the projection. We are always projecting, and life is always mirroring back to us. So in that essence, she really understood, okay, well, if they do love me, then, you know, if they're really my family and friends and my loved ones, then they will, you know, even if they don't accept what I say to them or, you know, going forth with what I want to do, then it's not my problem. And also it's yeah, it's just not something where I'm going to stop living my life because of the assumption that they won't agree with me. And I said to her, yeah, also, you know, if they don't agree with you, that's fine. People don't have to agree with you to love you. They don't have to have everything in common with you to to respect you and to love you. You can you I'm said, I'm sure your family and friends, there's a lot of things, a lot of differences there. You have with them, but you still love them for who they are, and you wouldn't have them any other way, right? So I think that was a super interesting conversation that we had because she came to her own conclusion, which often happens in client client coaching work anyway. You have the answers buried. Uh, you just gotta find them, dig through them, go through the emotions first, because most of the time, 90% of people, I think, will never find the answers that they're looking for within themselves because they don't even go past the first the first phase, which is going through the emotions and emptying out and and really just feeling it. Honestly, like that first little that first little phase, that first little stint is to get through the emotion. A lot of people don't want to even feel their own feelings, so they can't even get to the other stage further down the track where the answer really lies. And I find this work so interesting because it allows people to bypass that critical faculty, like your your conscious, um, your brain, the prefrontal cortex, and move into the emotions safely and regulate safely, and have your nervous system become comfortable with the emotions, clear the emotions, especially the ones that are not useful in those moments, and then the answers reveal themselves. Once we kind of clear, like I said earlier, clear the mud, and we find the and we get to the clear water, everything becomes so fucking like obvious, basically. Anywho, I've talked enough. Um really appreciate you if you've listened this far, and I hope you got a lot out of this episode. I know I did just by explaining this process to you on forgiveness and clearing my own stuff, and that forced me to do it 10 minutes before this episode aired uh started, so good times. Um, next episode, I'm gonna be doing a tarot deck reading for the collective, so very keen on that. If you're not keen on that, that's fine, you can skip and go to the next after that. But I appreciate you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I'm so glad that you're here and tuning in. If you like this episode, please leave me a five star review so more people can find my podcast. And I'm always gonna send you today and always lots of loving kindness, and I'll catch you on the next episode. Thanks so much. Bye.