60. Dialectics, Contradictions, & Your "Aide Memoire"

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"If we can learn to deal with our discomfort and just relax into it, we will have a better life."  -Mellody Hobson

Being able to hold two contradictory ideas within ourselves is incredibly empowering. Being psychologically flexible enough to allow balance reduces our suffering and brings ease to our life. If we only listen to one side of the story in our mind, we become unbalanced. Dialectics means we find the truth of the matter and embrace our contradictions.

Transcript

 If we can learn to deal with our discomfort and just relax into it, we will have a better life. This quote from Mellody Hobson starts us off this week. Ms. Hobson is a leader in the financial sector in the United States. She's also president of Ariel Investments. And if none of these things ring a bell, you do know who she is. She is chairwoman of the board of directors for Dreamworks animation. 

Welcome to the Modern Creative Woman podcast exploring the art and science of creativity. This is the podcast for women who want to elevate their creativity and start applying creative thinking in their everyday life. I'm your hostess and creativity expert, Doctor Amy Backos. The modern creative woman is obsessed with helping you build your creativity through her conversations and creative insights. I'll share simple tricks and practices that can help you take the mystery out of the creative process and start each day feeling empowered, creative, and ready to take on whatever comes your way. Let's get started. 

Thank you so much for joining me today and I am delighted about this topic, dialectics. And we'll get into that in just a moment. Is anyone excited about the Olympics? I know that I am, in part because my son is a fencer and will be excited to see the Olympic fencing, and in part because it is in Paris this year, and I am really looking forward to seeing their opening ceremony and am getting excited about how they will present some of the incredible French artists who will be performing. I

f you are thinking you want to come to Paris, you better hurry. Our doors will be closing very soon. We have a couple spots left and this is for a total transformation package. It's one week in Paris. I'm partnering with Aurora, who is the CEO of Girlboss Paris, and we are offering you the opportunity for a total inside out, outside in transformation package. And Aurora really is a very gifted coach around brand and style and presentation. And she's looking at the outside and I'm bringing you neuro aesthetics, internal strategies to become the woman that you've always wanted to be. And in Paris, it includes the neuro aesthetics of being in the environment. We have a high tea planned, a beautiful dinner cruise on the sun. And we've got some powerful ways to document your change. And if this sounds like a trip you don't want to miss, then click the link in the show notes. You can message me. and let's get you set up with a little more information so you can decide how you want to make this investment in yourself. It is a truly remarkable experience and if you are in transition, you are in midlife. You are looking for a way to celebrate and honor yourself. This is the ultimate experience. 

Today's topic is on dialectics, and if you're familiar with the word dialectics, it either means you're familiar with philosophy or you know about dialectical behavioral therapy. And dialectics really comes from centuries ago. It's an ancient philosophical way of coming to understand the truth. And you've probably heard of Socratic dialogue, where maybe in a university class the teacher says, what do we think about these two ideas? And people have a conversation, and it involves questions and inquiry so that people can come to a conclusion of their own and hear the opinions of others. Dialectic conversation used to include debate, and in this philosophical way of debating, two people would present opposing ideas with the idea that they could come to a truth, the reality of a situation. And we can see similar things happening in debates in schools or in politics, where two different ideas are presented. But there's rarely a conclusion of who's right or a desire to come to some kind of truth. That's absolute. I think we have really moved into post-modern thinking for most people. We understand that everyone has an opinion. However, there is a truth. There is a reality. And not coming to the truth has some significant consequences. Modern dialectics also includes coming to the truth about our self. And here's where it gets really interesting. 

Being able to hold two contradictory ideas within ourselves is incredibly empowering. Being psychologically flexible enough to allow a perhaps excited feeling to come along with a nervous feeling. I might be happy to move, but sad to leave the old house. Both can be true at the same time. So let me give you some examples. Someone said to me, I cannot wake up in the morning, and yet they went ahead and booked a flight for 5 a.m. in the morning to fly. So it's possible they actually can wake up at five in the morning. And the truth of the matter is, they prefer to wake up a little later. That's the reality of it. The truth is, they're willing to rise early to go on vacation. So those opposing ideas of I can't wake up in the morning and I have a 5 a.m. flight need to be resolved. We need to come to some kind of natural agreement on what are you going to do, sleep in or catch your plane. Now there's much more complicated ways of thinking of dialectics. If you're a parent, you might feel too tired to get up in parent and you do it anyway. That's a dialectic. You feel exhausted, especially with a new baby, and yet you get up. Whereas before you might not have gotten up if you were so tired. Dialectics means setting aside something so you can pursue your values. Setting aside sleep to pursue caring for your child. Setting aside sleeping in so you can pursue your vocation. 

Now we can struggle with dialectics when we look at other people, especially in a social media situation, or we see someone only occasionally and we think, oh wow, she's doing great. How is she doing so great? And we feel maybe jealous or injured, or we compare our own experience to what we see someone else is doing. But then we finally get together for coffee and she says how scared she was to do what she's done. Or how nervous she's been to start her business, and you start to see a much more complex picture of your friend. She is really much more well rounded when you can hold the dialectics. She's not just whatever you see on the outside. She's many complicated things on the inside. And so when we struggle with social media posts or seeing someone accomplish something, dialectics can really help. Being able to not put someone on a pedestal or assume that they are, um, achieving something easily. We can appreciate how hard she worked. Here's another one. I am nervous and excited about speaking engagement. I love to speak. I did a lecture at a university in Texas two weeks ago. I loved it and I was nervous. I was both. Both can be true at the same time. 

If you are a therapist or you've been to therapy, you may have heard of dialectical Behavioral therapy. And can you imagine who that might be for? It's a behavioral therapy designed for people who experience emotions very intensely. And it was developed by an American psychologist, Marsha Linehan, in the 1970s, and she created a program that offered processing, structure and conversation with the clients in a traditional setting. It's 24 hours a day. They go and live there for a bit, and every intense emotion is worked through. It's processed, it's resolved. And this was not just her idea. She continued to research it and refine it, and the techniques have evolved since the 70s. It's considered an evidence based practice, and it's in a similar category as acceptance and commitment therapy, which is what I traditionally teach. But here's what's interesting about Marsha Linehan. Much later, after the approach was considered evidence based, had lots and lots of research behind it. She came out and said, this is the treatment that cured me. And she described the mental health challenges that she had and how this treatment worked for her. And she gifted the world this treatment, not just the treatment, but the research to back it up. 

Here's what I really like about the dialectics in therapy. It's all about accepting where we are right now. And knowing that we can change for the better. We can say things like, I'm doing the best I can right now and I know I can do better, and tomorrow I will get better. It means being so grateful for what you have, accepting and appreciating what is, and also being able to pursue your next goal and dream. There's nothing about having gratitude for what you have that says you can't go out and pursue different, larger dreams. I remember hearing a lot from just different people. Not my parents, but just different people saying, well, just be grateful for what you have. Don't try and do too much. Don't try and accomplish too much. Just be grateful for what you have. Kind of stay in your station, stay in your lane. And that's the opposite of dialectic thinking that there's only one possibility that could be true. You're either grateful for what you have or you're ungrateful and you're pursuing other things. But both can be true. We can be happy and sad about something. When we use the word and instead of, but it gives both statements equal weight. I am happy and sad about this. I have regrets about this project and I'm really proud of it. I did the best I could and I'm proud of it. It's not everything I hoped, and I'm still ready to hand in this paper or launch my project into the world. They are both equally true. What happens in our brain is we will start to believe the negative story. It could be true that I could keep editing my book. That's true. Could always use more work. And I have a deadline and I'm ready to launch. If we only listen to one side, we become unbalanced. Dialectics means we find the truth of the matter. 

You can be ready to hand in your assignment at work and know that it's not perfect. Both can be true. When we as women embrace our contradictions, it makes our experience more complete. We don't have to hide part of who we are. We can pursue our intellect and beauty. Both are allowed. Each is part of who we are. Our life can become more meaningful when we embrace contradicting parts of ourselves. We may have gone through something extremely difficult, and it prepared us to be a better person, to care more, to have more gratitude. Both can be true. And embracing these kinds of contradictions really helps us let go of the struggle that we have with our self. And by struggle I mean the judgments, the avoidance strategies, the ways we try to not feel uncomfortable when we allow everything to be there, we drop the struggle in a really powerful way. Embracing contradictions also deepens our relationships with others. We stop saying they shouldn't be like that. They're my friend. They shouldn't say no. They're my friend. They should show up when I need them. This is my significant other. They shouldn't say things like that. All of these things create struggle and we become ill at ease. And we judge other people. Our friends sometimes need to say no. Our friends sometimes have to set a limit, and people we love can also frustrate us. Allowing the contradictions to be there is such a relief. It gives us space to breathe. It also allows us to care for ourselves and others in a way that is fully in contact with the present moment. It's accepting what is. We drop the struggle. 

I've mentioned this quote before on the podcast and I want to bring it in again. This is a quote from Carl Rogers. He's an American psychologist, one of the founders of humanistic therapy. And his approach really is so focused on allowing someone to be themselves. It's called person centered therapy. The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. When we stop judging ourselves and accept where we are, then we can move forward. We cannot bypass acceptance. It's an essential element. Of becoming being a human and of making any kind of change. It just feels better. 

There's no reason to judge ourselves. Why are we so unkind in our heads? The first step is noticing that this is how we talk to ourselves. Accepting that this is what shows up. So instead of saying my mind shouldn't think these things, we say, oh, my mind thinks these things and I don't have to believe it. If you imagine two conflicting ideas that you have that are perhaps difficult to reconcile. You might be excited and scared. You might feel concerned, worried, and optimistic. You might be nervous to confront someone and also pretty energized to say something. It's okay to have both, but it feels difficult because we tend to focus on one and not the other. We tend to focus on what could go wrong. If I confront this person, what terrible thing might they say? But a well balanced mind considers the dialectics above. It's important for me to confront them on this. It matters to me that I speak my mind even when I'm nervous. 

Do you know what an aide memoire is? It's the French word for having a little aid to your memory. What will help you remember? And I want to give you a suggestion about an aide memoire to help you remember that the dialectics exist. So anytime you add play or art into your learning, it goes faster, it sticks faster, and you enjoy it more. So I would love for you to create a little bit of art that includes an aide memoire for yourself to balance out dialectics. Now in the mornings I wake up and I used to start worrying straight away. Almost immediately I would say, here we go again. And I would start running through my to do list, worrying about something or other. Took me probably two years. I have an aide memoire next to my bed, so I could have a easier start to my morning. You can put a little post-it note next to your bed, but even better if you have a little decorated piece of artwork that reminds you of how you want to feel, what's important to you, and really aids your memory when you need it the most to have a balanced perspective. I've shared some of these before. When I fill up my water glass, I correct my posture and I say, you know, good posture. Stand tall when I cross a particular point in the trail. When I hike by my house, I have a thought of I'm open to new thoughts. And that just happened. I was listening to an audiobook that that came up at that point, and it really stuck out. And I was enjoying my walk with the dog, and it stuck out in my head about being open to new ways of thinking, just letting things be more flexible in my mind. And so that's how I came up with that Little Aid memoir. I'm open to new thoughts. You can use just a little note card, or you can get a small canvas and decorate it in lines and shapes and colors that are about how you want to feel, how you want to think, and could be thoughts, feelings or actions that you need to remember. 

So it might be if you're in a disagreement with someone. You might need the reminder that they love you. You know they love you and you loved them. That both can be true. You can love someone and have a disagreement with them. It might be that, like me, you need a reminder in the morning that you know there's things to do, but there's also having an easy morning reflecting, feeling positive. Figure out where you want balance and create your aid. Memoir. And if you would send me a picture or tag me on Instagram of your aid memoir, I would be delighted. I think it's a really powerful tool. I have a couple of things hanging up in my office to help me remember my values, to keep me going in the direction I want to go. They're the reminders that I need when I feel like I'm not balancing the contradictions of life. So let me know. I would love to see what you create. 

Have a wonderful rest of your week. Now that you know about how to use your creativity, what will you create? Want more? Subscribe to the Modern Creative Woman digital magazine. It's absolutely free and it comes out once a month. And I know you can get a lot out of the podcast and the digital magazine. Yet when you're ready to take it to the next level and want you to know you have options inside the membership, and if you're interested in a private consultation, please feel free to book a call with me. Even if you just have some questions, go ahead and book a call. My contact is in the show notes and you can always message me on Instagram. Do come find me in the Modern Creative Woman on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest @DrAmyBackos. 

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