80. If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family

"If you think you're enlightened, Go spend a week with your family." This quote from Ram Dass is one of my favorite challenge questions this time of year, as we move into family and holiday seasons.

4 philosophies to feel good this holiday season!
1. be here now
2. psychological flexibility
3. beginner mind
                Book: Zen Mind Beginner Mind by Shunryu Suzuki (1970)
4. use your strategies 

Remember to grab your free gratitude journal!  Download it and give yourself the opportunity to take the 21 days challenge to think and orient your mind towards gratitude. There's an abundance of research in the literature pointing to gratitude as a way to feel better. And there are many, many health benefits mental and physical, emotional and social to practicing gratitude. I promise you will see things differently after 21 day gratitude practice. So if you download that workbook, let me know what you think. 

Transcript

"If you think you're enlightened, Go spend a week with your family." This quote from Ram Dass is one of my favorite challenge questions this time of year, as we move into family and holiday seasons.

 Remember to grab your free gratitude journal!  Download it and give yourself the opportunity to take the 21 days challenge to think and orient your mind towards gratitude. There's an abundance of research in the literature pointing to gratitude as a way to feel better. And there are many, many health benefits mental and physical, emotional and social to practicing gratitude. I promise you will see things differently after 21 day gratitude practice. So if you download that workbook, let me know what you think. 

 If you think you're enlightened. Go spend a week with your family. This quote from Ram Dass is one of my favorite challenge questions this time of year, as we move into family and holiday seasons. 

Welcome to the Modern Creative Woman podcast. This is for women who want to elevate their creativity and start applying creative thinking in their everyday life. I'm your hostess and creativity expert, Doctor Amy Backos. Through our conversations and creative insights, I'll give you the art and the science, plus simple tricks and practices that will help you take the mystery out of the creative process. I want you to start each day feeling empowered and creative and ready to take on whatever comes your way. Let's get started. 

This is really a season of gratitude, and I want to remind you, we have the gratitude workbook. It's free. You can find it in the show notes. Download it and give yourself the opportunity to take the next 21 days and challenge yourself to think and orient your mind towards gratitude. I promise you will see things differently after 21 day gratitude practice. There's an abundance of research in the literature pointing to gratitude as a way to feel better. And there are many, many health benefits mental and physical, emotional and social to practicing gratitude. So if you download that workbook, let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you. 

Today I am sharing four strategies approaches philosophies that can help you navigate as you move through a very often busy holiday season and. Many people spend time with family. And that quote from Ram Dass is an incredible way to think about how you can challenge yourself to grow, to feel good wherever you are, and to not get sucked into any kind of old habits, old patterns, or the distress of perhaps sitting with family members who see the world really differently from you, or who are judgmental or critical. And as I mentioned a couple episodes ago, you don't have to go anywhere. You can say no to an invitation. Full stop. That's it. You don't have to go. And I want to give you an example of how I started saying no to a certain family tradition. I used to go with my family from California to Cleveland to visit my parents and in-laws would go every summer and every December, and the cost of a ticket to go in December from San Francisco to Cleveland is always a few hundred dollars more than it would be if I were going to fly to Paris or London. And I thought, that's so challenging on the budget. It's a little ridiculous. And no matter how early I would buy the ticket, it was still extremely expensive. A few years ago, my son and I traveled early and there was an incredible storm that blew through the Midwest. My husband was not able to make it in. The flights were all canceled, and then we got stuck there five extra days. So we ended up spending the holidays apart. And in my head I thought, enough is enough. We're bending over backwards and starting to feel a little resentful about the cost and about the challenge of the weather. Not being able to be together on the holidays was really challenging for me, and so we switched to going on Thanksgiving. We still go in the summer, but we go during Thanksgiving. The tickets are a little bit cheaper, the traffic is a little bit less and and the weather is knock on wood, never so snowy as it is in December. And I felt bad for a lot of years going, and I felt bad to even bring it up and everybody understood. My whole family said, oh yeah, good idea. And they were supportive of it. And even if they had wished for us to be there during the December holidays, they were sympathetic, understanding, and I don't think I would have changed our mind anyway about shifting when we'd go. But you don't need a good reason, and you don't need to wait years and years of struggling to set a different kind of limit, both inner boundaries and outer boundaries for you to feel good about your holiday. 

It's your holiday too. It's not just designed for someone else or for your extended family, it's also your holiday. So full permission to change your plans, to not go, to slow down, to have a little bit of an easier time. And in December, the last couple of years, we've been staying home and relaxing and it's been really nice. So these four strategies, philosophies and approaches can help you decide if you want to set some of these, um, bigger external boundaries or smaller external boundaries, and also how to develop inner boundaries so that you're able to manage your mind when your mind is triggering you. So let's dive in. Number one, be here now. Another quote and book by Ramdas. Being in the present moment can help tremendously, because when we're with our family, we often assume a stance, a posture, and an attitude of this is how it is, this is how it's always been. And it's always so interesting to watch ourselves drop right back into old family roles. But by being here now, in the moment without huge assumptions, will allow you understanding of what's happening in your mind, and it will allow you to respond to what is happening in front of you. If we're responding to our mind, such as a dreading an event or expecting something negative out of someone's mouth, we will respond to our inner state regardless of what's happening on the outside. That's why it's sometimes very challenging when we've gone home and done our personal work, and family still responds to us in the same old way. They're just responding to their inner expectation or thoughts. It's not about us. They're responding to their inside rather than what's happening on the outside. We're all guilty of it. So when we're able to be in the moment, we can have a little bit easier time. It removes a layer of suffering. So it's important to practice kind of taking a deeper dive. Going from a shallow level of awareness to a deeper level awareness of yourself. Of course a daily gratitude practice, journaling, making art, meditation, exercise all of those things really help us make contact with the present moment and observe what's happening on the inside so that we can be present on the outside. The next strategy that I want to talk to you about is psychological flexibility. And I've certainly talked about this a lot here. It has an abundance of research in the field of psychology that adopting and cultivating psychological flexibility changes almost everything in our experience, in our awareness and our thoughts and our mood. Now remember, psychological flexibility is making full contact with the present moment, aware that you are the context of your life, and then changing or persisting your behaviors to be in alignment with what's most important. If what is most important is to enjoy yourself on the holidays, then you keep orienting in that direction and you orient less towards. Maybe a disagreement or an argument or a complaint. Psychological flexibility is the goal in acceptance and commitment therapy, and it really allows us to move with ease. If you're familiar with fixed mindset and growth mindset, it's along those lines, but it's much more complex. It involves all those aspects I mentioned of awareness and acceptance of what is recognizing that thoughts and feelings come and go, and then moving towards what's important, not getting distracted by what you don't want. Not responding to your thoughts and feelings. Responding with your values in mind. I think one of the most powerful art tools around psychological flexibility is bilateral processing. Try and just drawing. Even if you have two pens on a piece of computer paper, trying with both hands at the same time, making different shapes, moving your hands together and then moving them in different directions. Another way to explore psychological flexibility from my perspective, is through surrealism. So you can look at surrealism in art and see how things have been put together that don't necessarily go together. And that could be two perspectives of one person that would be impossible to see both their profile and the front view in the same moment. But a painter who creates both of those in the same painting. You can do this with collage as well, choosing an image and putting it on a conflicting or very contrasting background to just allow yourself the ability to see the whole picture, regardless of what it is, and respond in a way that you feel good about. Number three is adopting a stance of beginner's mind. And if you're unfamiliar with the book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, I want to highly encourage you to have a look at it, shouldn't you? Suzuki wrote this book in 1970, and Suzuki does a beautiful job describing how to have a beginner's mind. And using that book I feel like has changed how I approach new situations. It's humbled me in a way that I am better able to show up in a situation and be curious instead of feeling like I know what's going to happen. So check out that book, the First line, and then my favorite quote from the book. Suzuki says, in the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, but in the experts, there are few. In the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities. But in the experts there are few. And the book goes on to teach how to adopt that beginner's mind. So you can see with psychological flexibility. Now everybody listening is an expert on your family and your family dynamics. You're an expert in the role you play. If you're gathering together with friends for holidays, you can predict who might say what. You can predict your response. If you're struggling to spend time with someone you don't like, you don't want to. It's because you have in your mind a prediction of this is how it's been, this is how it's going to be, and this is what they will say, and this is what I will say. So when we take that expert role in our mind, we add suffering to ourselves. Being a beginner, when we show up, practicing that stance of a relaxed mind can really, really help. I think to work on this is to do a little writing and a little bit of art about what you predict might happen over the holidays, and then have a look at it and say, well, that's happened every time. Every time I go see this person, I feel bad. And then you can start to observe it, give it perspective and start to strategize. Which brings us to the fourth. And this idea is to use your pre-planned strategies to help you manage your mind and your behaviour. It's choosing what you want to respond to, deciding how you want to feel on the inside, and how you want to respond to others. If your goal is to have a peaceful time, then your responses will be about peaceful interactions, peaceful words, nonviolent language. Here's some strategies that I think can help. If you make a list of the strategies you want to use, all the better. You can just text them to yourself as a reminder when you're there as well. Always avoid tight, tight clothes or tight, ill fitting shoes. These are two things that increase our anxiety that causes discomfort. Tight clothing can give us the feeling of anxiety. I'm not talking about something fitted that fits. I'm talking about like, your waistband is too tight or your shoes are a half size too small, or they never quite fit right. So by all means, wear something comfortable that you feel good in. My next suggestion is to limit the extra work. A number of years ago I stopped knitting for people for holiday gifts. Can you guess why I would be knitting the night before the holiday? Trying to finish a gift for someone and I was just stressing myself out. That was not productive. If I wanted to knit for someone, I should just knit for them and I'll give it to them during the time when the sweater or scarf is finished. You can also limit your work by perhaps you can cook things in advance, buy something prepared, maybe even just chip in some money. If someone else is cooking, you can also say no, go another time. These can be met with challenges in your mind. No, I can't do that. I always make my green bean casserole. Well, maybe you can teach someone younger in your family the recipe, make it with them and then pass it on to them. You don't have to keep doing the same thing over and over again simply because you've always done it. Your mind will come up with a lot of ways why your holiday needs to be the exact same as it always has been. And there's a lot to be said for tradition, except when we're exhausting ourselves, wearing ourselves out and doing things to be a part of tradition that gives us resentment. I heard a great quote better to feel guilty than resentful. That was a bit of wisdom from my friend Sarah. It's better to feel a little bit guilty than resentful. You can set a limit on your time. You can decide to go for half the day. Maybe you want to avoid being with family for eight hours. You can say I'll come for dinner, but not for movie afterwards, or I'll come for the game and skip the meal. Something like this allows you to be there without exhausting yourself and becoming resentful. You're allowed to go to bed early, go back to your hotel. You're allowed to make other plans. Go see a friend. And if your mind is coming up with reasons why you can't do that. I would like to refer you back to step number two psychological flexibility and step number three beginner mind. You can simply excuse yourself for a few minutes. Go for a walk, step on the porch, volunteer to walk the dog. Go play with the kids. You can also bring a game I mentioned that the other week. That's really fun. It orients the whole family to having fun. Something that my family will sometimes do is pull out photo albums, and it just orients us towards happy memories and telling stories. So having a little bit of direction rather than free flowing, who knows what might happen, can give you a lot of ease. So let me review the four strategies and philosophies the be here now, making full contact with the present moment and accepting what is in that present moment. It might be feelings of discomfort. It might be someone saying something that you don't like. But when you can respond to what's happening in the current moment, you'll feel better. Number two is psychological flexibility. Being flexible with your mind, asking things like what else might be true allows you to just feel better and deal with what is, instead of piling on extra suffering. Number three is assume the beginner's mind. Have a look at that Zen mind, beginner's Mind by Suzuki, and being flexible in how you approach the holiday situation. And finally, use your strategies. I gave you some suggestions, yet you know what's worked for you in the past. You can survey a few friends about how they manage their stress over the holidays, either with family or being busy, or feeling a lot of obligations or the need to spend money. Talk to people about your area where you struggle. Ask people to give you three things that they've done to address that problem. You'll be surprised how much wisdom you can gain from just a few interviews with friends and family. Remember to check out that gratitude workbook. You could share it with friends and family. It's a very, very powerful way to just feel better and appreciate what is. It pulls you immediately back into the present moment so you can find that in the show notes. I'd like to say how grateful I am for the woman in the modern Creative Woman community. It is a pleasure to be of service and to hear your responses to the podcast, to the membership. It really your gratitude is so encouraging to me. So remember, when you offer gratitude to another person, you're really making their day as while you're spreading that feel good that you get by being grateful yourself. Have a wonderful rest of your week. Now that you know about how to use your creativity, what will you create? Want more? Subscribe to the Modern Creative Woman digital magazine. It's absolutely free and it comes out when some men and I know you can get a lot out of the podcast and the digital magazine. Yet when you're ready to take it to the next level, I want you to know you have options inside the membership, and if you're interested in a private consultation, please feel free to book a call with me. Even if you just have some questions, go ahead and book a call. My contact is in the show notes and you can always message me on Instagram. Do come find me in the Modern Creative Woman on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest at Doctor Amy Backus. If you like what you're hearing on the Modern Creative Woman podcast, I want to give you the scoop on how you can support the podcast. You can be an ambassador and share the podcast link with three of your friends. You can be a community supporter by leaving a five star review. If you think it's worth the five stars, and you can become a Gold Star supporter for as little as $3 a month, all those links are in the show notes. Remember to grab your free copy of the 21 Day Gratitude Challenge. The link is in the show notes and you can find it at Modern Creative women.com. Have a wonderful week and I cannot wait to talk with you in the next episode.