100. Healthy Boundaries

"Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcase of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the Valley of Change.”  
                   -Shannon L Adler 

Transcript

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcase of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the Valley of Change.” 

This quote from Shannon L Adler starts us off today, and we are talking all about inner and outer boundaries. Welcome to the modern Cradle of Women podcast. I'm Dr. Amy Backos, your host is here today, and the idea of inner and outer boundaries is essential for us understanding how we impact the world around us and how we can treat ourselves with dignity and respect while treating others with dignity and respect as well. April is all about inner and outer boundaries here at the modern creative Woman and the month inside. The membership is dedicated to becoming more familiar with the need for boundaries, how to set them, and what it really means to have a boundary. It has nothing to do with getting someone else to change, and everything to do with how you approach a situation. I would love to see you inside the membership this month. It's a truly special month because the lack of boundaries causes exhaustion, burnout, and all kinds of emotional distress that can be ameliorated through the use of art and creative strategies about setting and maintaining very clear boundaries in your life. So if this speaks to you, I would love to see you inside the membership. Let's get into boundaries. There's really three steps that are essential in creating boundaries. The three steps of setting a boundary is first identifying the need for a boundary, and seeing where it is that you would like something to be different in your life. And once you've identified that, there is some kind of need. It's about setting a boundary, inner or outer, that's clear and kind and recognizes our limitations that we can't control anyone else. And the third step is holding that boundary and really keeping the boundary. Regardless of what someone else is doing or saying, a boundary has zero to do with. Please stop doing that. The boundary part is please stop doing that or I will do this other thing. I will walk away. I will leave whatever the boundary itself is, your decision coupled with your reaction, a boundary is about your behavior, not the behavior of another person. Now, you may dislike the idea of someone talking to you in a particular way, or passing off their work to you, or always being critical in some way. But we can never stop someone from thinking their independent thoughts, and we can never stop someone from feeling how they feel. But what we can do is set a limit around the way that we are willing or able to receive their thoughts, their words. Now, a boundary is not. Stop saying this thing to me. That's just not under our control. It never was. But we would want to say something like, I won't accept your opinions anymore in my decisions. And then we respond accordingly. We can do all kinds of things to keep that boundary for ourselves. But what most people end up struggling with is the belief that they can change the other person, and then they will feel better. And that is not a boundary. That is a wish. It's a request. It might be in agreement with everyone else that this this is not okay behavior. But we are only able to adjust how we respond, not what people are doing. Now, you can probably think of half a dozen scenarios where people said or did things to you that you didn't like, and you might feel dread or anxiety about spending time with someone. Maybe it's a very good sign that a boundary is needed when you're dreading going to work. Seeing a friend, seeing a family member. It might be that some people are bringing. Gossip everywhere they go. And you don't want to participate in gossip anymore. One of the best things I did was commit to not gossiping, and it was surprisingly easy. I simply didn't participate or respond when people gossiped with me. They might continue to talk, but I don't need to respond. There's other sort of more dramatic ways that we could set a boundary, get up and walk away, or tell someone you don't want to talk about it anymore. Well, what happens where many women that I work with struggle is they they have a wish and they're responding to the wish. And they don't say anything. They don't set the boundary, they don't do anything about it. And then they explode and suddenly they're so angry. And what they're angry at is that they were unable to speak up and say, I don't want to hear gossip anymore. And instead they just exploded and did something dramatic like end the friendship. And I've certainly done dramatic things before when I failed to set the boundary, and I just kept getting more and more frustrated and did not speak up. If you've ever been in that position, please join us inside the membership this month. The boundary is your behavior, not theirs. Which is really great news because it means things can change and you can make modifications. So I want to give you some really strong examples around when you might need a boundary. So you might need a boundary. If you are constantly trying to avoid certain people, you might need a boundary. If you're feeling like a relationship is very one sided, a boundary is needed. If you are agreeing or doing or saying things just to get along and keep the peace, you need a boundary. If you've been told directly or indirectly that their feelings are more important than your feelings, you might need a boundary. If you feel anxious after spending time with someone. If you've ever considered taking a break from someone, it's usually because the boundary was so porous that we need a break just to recalibrate, and a boundary can prevent that urge to have a break. And if you are regularly getting unsolicited opinions about your life and what you're doing from other people that are unwelcome, you might need a boundary and the feeling of dread to go see someone or be around someone. It needs a boundary and there are some extreme boundary violations, and there are smaller violations of a boundary that we can remedy. Extreme violations are usually crimes, and they require a lot of help and support. A smaller boundary violation, however, doesn't make it necessarily easy to speak up about. We might dismiss our feelings. We might say, oh, it doesn't really matter that much. Or am I being ridiculous? Am I asking for too much? And many, many women try to minimize their need for boundaries and the resentment builds and builds. If you have resentment growing about a circumstance or a situation. It's absolutely time for a good, clear boundary. Another way to know if you need a boundary is if you feel like you're losing your energy. And one way to think of it is like energy leakage, right? It takes psychic energy to do things, to think, to create, to be around people. And every interaction you have is essentially an exchange of your psychic energy. It requires an energy exchange. Sometimes we are around people that leave us invigorated and positive, and we're having so much fun and we feel refreshed and restored. And there's other times when we find ourselves around people and we feel depleted or anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated. This is why some people seem to attract us to them, and other people cause us dread energy leaking out or losing our energy. Happens outside of our relationships with people. It could be that you notice you are quickly depleted when you drink alcohol, when you spend a lot of time on social media. When you compare yourself to other people, if you watch the news or you stay up too late, all of these are also depleting your energy, and those are about an inner boundary and setting a tone for yourself that energizes you. Setting limits on behavior that depletes you is essential. Listen. Boundaries are not mean. They are not mean at all. They are, in fact, kind. Brené Brown says, when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel sad and misused. And that's why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing their behavior or their choice. There are times when people just kind of invade our boundaries a little bit and then a little bit more, and when we don't say anything, we become completely resentful. Let me give you a couple examples. Say you tend to like going to the grocery store by yourself, but your neighbor wants to ride along, or you really enjoy going for a walk. Listening to your headphones, listening to music and you don't want to stop and talk to your neighbor every time you walk by their house. Or they even want to join you on a walk. There are so many ways that we can set nice, clear boundaries around these kinds of things, and it's usually just being a little vulnerable and revealing what our wish is. I would love to stop and chat, but I'm listening to my headphones. I'm going to go and raid at a good spot in the music. It could be. I would be happy to take you to the store on another day, but the grocery store is my alone time. And if you're a mom, you know what this means. Just to be alone on an errand run. There are ways that you can say no with incredible kindness. If your walk is for your mental health and you need to be alone, then that's an inner boundary that you've established for yourself. And it requires a little external boundary so that you can have the privacy. You might say to the neighbor, I'll stop by on Saturday. I'll talk to you later this week, or let me catch up with you after school. There are ways that you can help someone out. You could say, well, let me pick up a few things for you if you need something. Or we could go together next week. Just being honest and saying, this is really I gotta run. This is really my time. And what happens is many women want to be nice and liked and appreciated, and they over accommodate others at their own expense. There is no one who would say, oh, we're being mean if we say we need alone time. There's no one who would say we're being mean. If we can't run an errand with someone, there is simply the space to surround ourselves with nourishing situations. You can check back with that neighbor later. You can offer to run errands for your neighbor, or invite them along when you have the kids with you because you really want to be alone. Other times, people will respect those boundaries, and if they don't, they have terrible boundaries and they're invading. It is unnecessary for us to be overly accommodating when we need a little mental health. All that being said, of course we want to help our neighbors. Of course we want to chat. This is about setting a parameter around what other people want. If we continue to respond to what other people want of us while neglecting our own needs, it leads to burnout in this incredibly painful way, and we end up sacrificing what we could have offered in terms of our help to support someone else. And we lose contact with ourselves, and we often end up getting sick. I found a study from 2020 and it's in the organizational psychology journal called frontiers. This study is by Pluto and Wonders, and it's about not being able to lead a healthy life when you need it the most. And they were looking at the dual role of lifestyle behaviors. And specifically they were talking about blurring work life boundaries and it causing a real sacrifice of our well-being. Originally, they were looking at this because of a growing trend for people working at home, and I love working at home. It's incredible. And many people find that it's suits their lifestyle nicely. There's more flexibility, no commuting. It's good for our help during the pandemic. There's so many reasons why it was good and is good. But wellbeing is really this multifactorial construct, and it can be understood really in, in a broad sense of experiencing fulfillment and purpose or just feeling good. And that idea of well-being being sacrificed because of a lack of boundaries is what this article is all about. A friend of mine during the pandemic gave me this great idea where she would put a shawl over her computer at the end of the day, and of the computer that she set up for working during the pandemic was in the living room, and she noticed that she was walking by it and thought, oh, let me just check an email real quick. Uh, let me just do a few things to get ready for tomorrow. And she became increasingly focused on work because every time she walked by it, she thought, well, let me do a little work. Throwing the shawl over the top of the computer was her new ritual at the end of the day, to close the day off and be with her family. And I thought this was brilliant. A literal boundary, this physical, tangible boundary. And from that I always close my office door at home. If I am in the office, the door is often closed, but not always. If I am out of the office. My door is closed. I don't want my work to leak all the way through the house, that there is a physical barrier between me and work, and I have to consciously go back to it or leave it. The second aspect relates to actually setting a boundary. So once you recognize the need for a boundary, it's now time to set a nice, clear, kind boundary. And a place where women often struggle is in the actually setting a boundary. We will hint at, suggest, or otherwise behave in a way that is designed to create ambiguity about where that limit is, and people are not mind readers. If you are needing to set a limit around your own safety or mental health or comfort, you will have to spell it out. It might sound pretty scary, and we can be unfamiliar with setting these kinds of limits, but it's the kindest thing that we can do. So many times people are focused on making others comfortable. And this is a of course, survival strategy. And it's worked for women in dangerous situations. Absolutely. And you wanting it and setting a boundary around it is the most kind thing you can do. It's very rarely that someone we care about will find us to be in complete violation of kindness. When we set a clear boundary, they might get angry. They might feel frustrated. They might tell you that you're wrong, but it really is the kindest thing to do. To yourself and to others is to have a clear boundary. And I just want to say it's never too late to set a boundary. You may have been putting up with something for a long time and not said anything, but you can come back to it and set a limit. It's not too late. It's part of our personal growth to set boundaries, even ones that have been now, things that have been bothering us for years. It's not too late to ask for something different. In fact, it's how we grow. It's how our relationship will grow. If there's the usual same old, same old date night with you and your significant other, and you're getting bored of that instead of getting. Resentful around it. You can ask for something different. That's a nice boundary to ask for. Let's try something new and they may or may not want to do something new. But you can say, well, I would like to go take a pottery class. Would you like to join me? We could do it together. They don't have to say yes. You can say, okay, well, I signed up. I'm going to go. Here's the information if you want to come. And the boundary is that you go and take the class anyway. You don't need that other person. The boundary is I want to do this thing. And then you have to value yourself enough to take the steps towards it. Just a reminder, the boundary doesn't tell someone else what you want them to do. The boundary is telling them what you're going to do. It's I don't want to go to the movies on Friday. I'd like to go to this class and then have a conversation about it. You can negotiate you in your relationship trying something different, but the boundary then is you're going to take the class. Maybe you take it on a different day. Maybe you take it on on that day. It's totally up to you what the boundary is. But the boundary is not a request. The boundary is your response and your action. A boundary might be something like setting a limit with a child, but that we have to be willing to enforce it. If we just say, you can't do that, or I'm going to take your phone for a week and then we don't. It's not a boundary. It's just a threat. Remember, a boundary includes some kind of consequence. If they continue, you will respond in this way. And this third step of holding the boundary. I want you to be really gentle with yourself. It takes a little bit of practice. If your boundary continues to be dismissed or disrespected, for example, by someone at work, you set a limit. You let them know what's going to happen if they continue with the behavior. And then a clear consequence is, if you do this again, I'm going to let HR know, I'm going to talk about this with my boss and see if I can get different work situation. It's recognizing that you deserve to have your feelings and your boundaries. It does not make us selfish. It in fact helps us be more present and available for the people we care about when we're able to take care of ourselves. Creativity plays an important part of boundary setting, and the creative part is often in step one, recognizing that something needs to change and being creative about how you want to deal with it. There are many great books all about setting boundaries and how to set a boundary and hold a boundary. It is necessary if you grew up in a household where your boundaries were not respected. That you strategize with friends, a therapist with yourself to identify ways where your old approach of surviving childhood. Those feelings can show up, and it's essential to strategize ways of dealing with that and recognizing that those are old feelings and you have options as an adults. Another creative aspect of this is when we stand up for ourselves. A little boundary here, a larger boundary there. We're setting an example for the people around us. Our children see the boundaries we set. If someone gives us the wrong drink at a coffee shop, do we just say, oh, okay, I guess I'll drink that instead. Or do we say, oh, I think I got the wrong drink here. Other people are watching us. Kindly ask for a correction of the order. And our children learn from us in watching us set boundaries. Our friends will learn from us. And in fact, setting boundaries will strengthen relationships when you're able to have honest conversation. It's not just for setting a limit with someone who is engaging in unacceptable behavior. It's a way to love yourself and love the other. That's a great definition of a boundary. That space between where you can have your needs met and where I can have my needs met. I hope you tune in the rest of this month about this topic, because we're going to go deep around external boundaries. Those are the ones we set with others and follow up on and internal boundaries. And that is about recognizing what needs to change, taking committed action to move towards what it is that we desire. If we have a desire to get nine hours of sleep, which is what women need. Then we have to set a boundary around what time we go to bed in the evening. We have to set a boundary around putting our phone away before we go to bed. Those are just wishes. If we only say I'd like to have a better night's sleep. A boundary is our action towards it, and we'll get in deep to that. And then the idea of committed action is the essential part of change in acceptance and commitment that I've been teaching you. I hope to see you inside our monthly classes for April. Boundaries are so essential, and the world would be a little bit easier to navigate if we all had healthy, clear and kind boundaries with one another. We meet three Tuesdays and it's all over your lunch time. It's noon Pacific time. I record everything so you can watch it on our beautiful website later. We take time to breathe, to make art, and I'll be teaching all about inside boundaries and outside boundaries. Have a wonderful week. Stay safe and I'll see you in the next episode. I would love to see you in our class on inner and outer boundaries. It's going to be incredible. And it starts April 15th. We're meeting three Tuesdays in a row at noon Pacific time. We'll make art, we'll do some relaxation, and I will teach you all about the strategies for inner and outer boundaries. That can give you a much happier life, of course. And reduce burnout, high stress and the reduction of your wellbeing instead. Boundaries will give you all the things that help you feel happier. Increase your wellbeing and deepen your relationships with yourself and with others. You can find the link in the show notes or find me on Instagram at Doctor Amy Bakos. I will see you there. Have a wonderful rest of your week. Now that you know about how to use your creativity, what will you create? Want more? Subscribe to the Modern Creative Woman digital magazine. It's absolutely free and it comes out once a month. And I know you can get a lot out of the podcast and the digital magazine. Yet when you're ready to take it to the next level, I want you to know you have options inside the membership. And if you're interested in a private consultation, please feel free to book a call with me. Even if you just have some questions, go ahead and book a call. My contact is in the show notes and you can always message me on Instagram. Do come find me in the Modern creative Woman on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest at Dr. Amy Backos. If you like what you're hearing on the Modern Creative Woman podcast, I want to give you the scoop on how you can support the podcast. You can be an ambassador and share the podcast link with three of your friends. You can be a community supporter by leaving a five star review. If you think it's worth the five stars, and you can become a Gold Star supporter for as little as $3 a month. All those links are in the show notes. Remember to grab your free copy of the 21 Day Gratitude Challenge. The link is in the show notes and you can find it at ModernCreativeWoman.Com. Have a wonderful week and I cannot wait to talk with you in the next episode.