102. Five Boundaries Every Woman Needs

 “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. And this is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is ultimately far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”   
-Brené Brown 

5 components of External Boundaries

• Physical
• Emotional
• Time and energy
• Material
• Relational

Transcript

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. And this is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is ultimately far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” This quote from social science researcher Brené Brown starts us off as we continue our conversation about boundaries. 

Welcome into the modern creative woman. I am Dr. Amy Backos, your hostess on this audio creativity journey. I'm excited to tell you about two new things. Next month the topic is bridging and bonding. And these are communication styles whereby we reach to others to either deepen our relationship with them. That's the bonding aspect. And bridging is connecting to people from whom we are different, and that is the capacity that enriches us. It expands our horizons. It allows us to know our neighbors in a different way. And it really brings us an increase in empathy as well as broader perspective and deeper understanding. These two tools for communication really deliver exactly what each of us needs to feel better in connection with others and in relationship with the people we care about, and increase our capacity to know and experience the world in a more meaningful way. I would love to see you in this class. Its three unique classes comes with a workbook and a lot of conversation and art making related to the idea of bridging and bonding to make the world a little more just and peaceful, and to make your relationships more compassionate and deeper, more connected. The second thing I want to tell you about is art is a way of knowing. This is an incredible program. It's 12 weeks. It's individual. It's tailored exactly to where you are in your creative process. You might have heard of The Artist's Way. It's a book by Julia Cameron that has been used by artists for a long time to understand ourselves in a richer, deeper way. The program offers you weekly creative prompts, art therapy, and some real soulful support around this kind of work. Comes with the book. There's a special journal that goes along with The Artist's Way, and what I've seen is that many women get stuck with a self-directed kind of program, and they'll get a week in and then they'll abandon the project. And this is the kind of support that we need when we're living our busy lives, is to have an accountability partner. And if you are brand new to art, this is a wonderful entry point. If you're an experienced artist, and even if you've done The Artist's Way before, this will allow you to deepen your relationship with yourself and enhance your relationship with your creativity. And diffuse from some of those self-limiting thoughts about creative possibilities. So again, the links are in the show notes and I would love to hear from you. So let's get into this. Let's get this started. We are talking a little bit more about inner and outer boundaries. And if you have yet to listen to last week's episode, go on back and listen to that one first. It gives you a sense of your inner boundaries and those directly inform your outer boundaries. So as a review, remember boundaries are personal limits that we set to protect our emotional, our mental, and our physical well-being. These are agreements we make with ourselves. And outer boundaries are what we're willing to experience with others. It. Is something that helps us define just how we relate to ourselves and others. It's completely connected to your sense of identity or autonomy and healthy boundaries. Inner and outer can prevent the feeling of resentment. It can prevent burnout. It can allow us to have healthy relationships without emotional investment. And it helps us physically as well. Ulcers come from a lot of worry. Boundaries can help us with that. Remember, the inner boundaries are the ones we set with ourselves or for ourselves. And it's about our own personal well-being. It's really related to our internal world and those inner private experiences. In Act. We call it private inner behaviors. Those are thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. Values and energy relate to this as well. We'll talk a little bit more about your energy boundaries in a bit. Last time we talked about the components of the internal boundary, emotional regulation, self-awareness, self-talk, and your own personal responsibility. And today is all about the external boundaries. And these are boundaries that we set regarding how we allow other people to treat us. Think of it as a lens that we look through and it shapes our behavior. It shapes how we show up in our relationships. An external boundary describes how we interact with the outside world, in particular how we relate in our relationships. Very personal relationships, more casual relationships, work relationships, and then in the wider environment and the environment might be your home, might be your workplace or Mother Nature herself. The funny thing about external boundaries is we often don't think about them until we're challenged by someone behaving in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable. That external boundaries between you and a close friend are navigated with ease. You share mutual respect, communication style, and you're able to talk about it if something happens. We learn our boundaries in childhood. However. They need to be updated with new strategies in adulthood. Now, if you grew up in a home where the boundaries were poor, there's, you know, sort of more maintenance that needs to be done early on. But everyone needs new strategies for boundaries. As I've gotten older, I've definitely been more and more clear about my boundaries. And I think that's one of those fabulous things about getting older, is we're more clear to ourselves and less concerned and worried about what others might think when we set our boundaries. So these intentional thoughts about our boundaries, planning how we want to set a boundary with people can really benefit us. And it benefits to people that we're in relationship with. You might know examples of people who say yes to everything, and then they feel mad about it, or they agree to do something they don't want to do. And then they, as Brené Brown mentioned, attack that person because they feel put upon the boundaries, protect us from feelings of resentment, and it sets a barrier around what we're willing to tolerate in our own behavior. So for an external boundaries, there's five. Physical emotional time and energy. Material and relational. So let's start with the physical boundaries. Physical boundaries are about your comfort with physical touch. It relates to personal space, bodily autonomy. It's who you let touch, hug, or just be close to you. Now these are absolutely culture bound. Different countries, different cultures, different families and different individuals have different norms about space. What's appropriate space between two people talking or in the street? It's also activity bound. If you are dancing at a concert, you're going to be pretty close to other people, a lot of other people in your immediate area. If you're waiting to get on the train or the bus, there's sort of a loose line, but it's not as close as dancing. And I think about standing in line at a market or a grocery store. There's your cart or your basket between you and another person. So the space is a little bit farther. Now we definitely notice it when someone bumps into us or they won't move over on the sidewalk. And this is something I have absolutely experienced, especially when running. And I always run to the right side, which is customary side to travel on in the United States. You walk on the right side or you drive on the right side. And if I'm running or walking, sometimes there's people coming at me and they're on the wrong side of the street or the sidewalk. And I have a choice. I can move or I can see if they move. And I started to be curious about this. And there is a little bit of information about women tend to get out of the way, and men tend to not get out of the way that women tend to accommodate quickly and move. And we definitely notice when we have to get out of the way. Or if you didn't notice it before, you will now if someone bumps into us when we're out and about, maybe they weren't paying attention. They say, sorry or not, the physical space has been kind of the bubble has been burst. Now, extreme violations of physical boundaries are assault. They're crimes. And so physical boundaries are extremely important. Growing up, we all need a little bit of privacy. We need the option of being physically close, hugging someone or not. I always let my son decide if he wanted to go give a hug to someone or not. It's not required to please your parent, or it shouldn't be required to please your parent. To go to the next boundary is an emotional boundary and this is a really fun place to make art about as well is what you're willing to share emotionally and who you're willing to share it with. I want to be very clear on this point. You are never obligated to share anything with anybody, even when they ask you nicely. A stranger on the street is not entitled to information about you. Emotional boundaries are what you negotiate with the people close to you. What are the things that we share? Do we talk about money? Do we not talk about money? My friend Zainab and I talk about money in business, but I wouldn't necessarily talk about that with someone I didn't know as well. So there's things that feel appropriate to talk about with people that you're close to, and there's things that should be reserved for yourself and not available to everyone. Maybe you've had the experience of someone oversharing. They tell you too much, or they tell you early on in a relationship about stressful things. They kind of overshare when they're nervous. They might overshare when it feels kind of urgent to discharge uncomfortable emotions like anger and frustration. There is a little bit of research about the phenomenon of oversharing, and people start to feel good when they share. And that really leads it into sharing too much. So when we meet someone new, we don't tell them all the things we're going through or we don't tell them about our life story. I read it takes about 200 hours for us to develop a close friendship, and in 200 hours, we will have enough opportunity to have some disagreements or go through something together that brings you together. And so pacing yourself and not oversharing is really important. It's an emotional boundary. And again, this is culture bound and situational bound. There are times like in a situation of someone going to therapy, it's appropriate to share your emotions. And then of course there are other times where it's inappropriate to share too much. And I'm not saying to squash who you are. I'm saying we all need to pace ourselves in what we're revealing to others. And I've worked with a lot of women in recovery who feel a pressure to let people know about their recovery from an addiction. And it suits. The 12 step program to talk about it, and it absolutely makes a huge difference in people's recovery. But there's not a lot of guidance about how do I know who to share this with. People will share it with strangers at a support group, and then have to figure out where the boundary is when they're meeting someone for the first time. Again, it's culture bound and situation bound. Let's talk about number three. The boundaries around your time and energy. This is huge. This is about not only how you prioritize your time and protect your energy. It is about preserving your own longevity at work, with your family. It's pacing yourself. It's knowing your limits and what you're comfortable with. Instead of responding to what other people want you to do, you respond to your own capabilities and capacity. And I'm always reminding the therapists who I supervise that your best is what you're able to accomplish only when you're preserving your mental health and your sleep and your friendships and your relationships. Sacrificing all of these things is not your best. It leads to exhaustion and burnout. It's important to reflect on in advance how much you want to spend your energy on something. If it's around socializing, you can just be clear with your limits. I'll go to the event. I'll stay for two hours. Just having a clear expectation with yourself and others. When you want to go home, it's time to go home. You can negotiate that with your friends. You can take a ride home by yourself. You can drive separately. There's a lot of ways to protect your limits. You're never stuck. You're never without options. The time and energy boundaries are very much about knowing yourself and respecting yourself. It's a matter of letting go of the idea that other people can read your mind and know that you feel tired, and maybe don't want to take on another task. No one can read your mind just because you said yes to something before, like volunteering to help someone or going to a party and staying late. It does not mean that you need to always say yes, or show up every time someone asks you to volunteer. I've noticed professionally that people who have poor boundaries around this tend to get over asked, well, let's go ask her. She always says yes. And these are people who take on more and more work, who don't ask for clarification on priorities. They say yes. They end up taking on the work of other people. Your time and energy is not a thing that makes people like you. Your time and energy is a thing that allows you to enjoy your own company. To protect yourself. To feel good And I keep saying longevity in whatever you're doing if you burn yourself out working too many hours. Now there's a real loss. Now you're calling in sick. Other people have to cover. Maybe you end up quitting your job. The consequence of not protecting your time and energy is significant. Burnout leads to incredible health problems as well. You can imagine a little barrier around yourself that lights you up and serves to protect you. Holds your time. Holds your energy in a way that serves you. You can be of service to others and protect your energy. I talked about this inside the Modern Creative Woman membership classes earlier, and we talked about what happens when someone who identifies as an introvert starts to think that other people are stealing their energy. And no one can steal your energy. It's simply impossible. There are certainly people we don't want to be around, and there's people that others might call an energy vampire, where they just take a lot of your energy to be with them. And that's not for us to change. We can't change other people. We can only set the limit on what we're willing to show up with, how long we're willing to stay, and who we're willing to spend our time with. An energy boundary means that some people don't make the cut, and they don't continue to stay in our lives. A time limit means we go home before we get too tired. No one can steal your energy. It's a function of needing a different quality of boundary. Number four is material boundaries. This is about how you manage your possessions, how you manage your money. For example, you might track your finances, you might keep a notebook, you might check your accounts. You do things to avoid overspending and you do things to save. This also includes taking care of your possessions. It means wearing all your clothes. You don't buy so many clothes that you can't wear them all. You wear what you have. Anytime you polish your shoes, or you spray the bottom with a water protector, that's a material boundary. You're taking good care of your possession. Cleaning your car fits this as well, making a repair quickly. If something breaks in your home, you repair it quickly. I am a person who likes a lot of papers and I spread out. I have a long table in my office where I can lay out what I'm working on. Might be art projects. It was my taxes a little bit ago and I like to see what I'm looking at. In one big look. And early on in my relationship, I realized I shouldn't spread out so much. It's an infringement upon somebody else's boundaries. If I have piles all over the house. If you've never thought of your piling habit that way, or being a little messy in that way, that it's an infringement, it's a poor boundary on our side and it infringes upon other people's boundaries. I invite you to consider it it upon learning that it really helped me rein it in. I don't need to have everything everywhere. I can keep it contained in my own little piles spread out in my office. You know, I'm taking responsibility for my stuff, and I'm not imposing it on someone else. And the fifth one. That's your relational boundaries. This is about healthy communication, mutual kindness, respect or reciprocity so that it's a a balanced relationship. Everybody feels like they're putting in and getting out what feels good to them. One big problem I see is that women will love to help, but be terrible at accepting help, and being unwilling to accept help makes a relationship unbalanced. People like to give and people like to receive support. Love. Kind words. Limits are for us and I say us, not just you. A limits and boundaries in a relationship is for you to feel good. You can love the other person and yourself at the same time. It's for the other person so that you're not spilling out your piles of papers, or you're not oversharing, or you're not withholding or keeping secrets. That kind of relational boundary is something that we have to refine in our relationships as we get older and understand the reciprocal quality of being in a relationship with friends, a romantic partner, people we work with. I've also noticed that people who have good boundaries usually don't get upset. When you set a boundary. They understand a limit. Like you can say, I'm not available for a call right now, but I can connect tomorrow or let's catch up soon. There's no disrespect from someone who has good boundaries. When you set one, someone who has a boundary problem that's causing you to set a boundary will also probably get upset about you setting a boundary. And that's okay. That's not our business. It matters that we set our boundaries for ourselves and what's comfortable for us wherever we are. We don't want to be full of resentment. So do you think you need to work more on your inner or outer boundaries? It's a bit of a trick question. Your inner boundaries inform your outer boundaries, your inner sense of self-respect, self-compassion, kindness. When you talk to yourself about what you've done, what you look like. Any of that chatter, when that's kind and accepting and compassionate, it makes the outer stuff so much easier. It's challenging to set a boundary with somebody else that we don't even keep for ourselves. So those inner boundaries are one of those things that I talk a lot about in doing individual therapy. It's something that I work on myself. I journal every morning. I think about what would I like, what are my desires? Those are all inner boundaries. I want to give you a couple of visual examples of healthy boundaries a child gate, you know, those little gates that people put up at the top of the stairs or from one room to the next so the child can run free in the living room and stay out of the stairs or stay out of, you know, someone else's room. We use these little gates to protect our children, to keep them, um, where we are in the same space. And it's it's nice, it's safe, it's healthy. Another example is saying no without over explaining why. Now, I might say to a friend, oh, I'm sorry, I'm unable to go. I already have plans to do something else, and I might share what it is. But if it's not a friend that I'm chatting with, I would say I'm sorry. I'm unable to do that. I'm just unavailable that day and I don't overexplain. Now, I think it's sort of socially. Women get conditioned to overexplain, and it's also a trauma response when people over overexplain themselves, they give you too much information about why they can't go. It's really, you know, a safety protective measure, but it's unnecessary to overexplain our boundary of. No. Another boundary is how the housework gets divvied up and thinking about if you live by yourself. It's not a problem, but if you live with other people, it is necessary to figure out who's going to do which chores and not have it. That women end up doing all the chores if that's not part of the agreement. Moms invest in teaching their children how to clean, because that's an investment in boundaries that people are responsible for picking up after themselves. There's simple boundaries, like in the Botanical Gardens in San Francisco. There's beautiful stone little fences there, like a foot high, maybe, but they mark off different areas where you can walk. And there's stones from a monastery that was shipped over from Europe, and they make a beautiful little boundary, so we know not to wander into certain areas where the flowers are protected or they're they're just being grown or they're a rare species. It's a subtle bit of information. I mean, I suppose if we wanted, we could hop over that fence. And go in there, but people are respectful. It's a boundary set up by the gardeners. Now there are other places where there are brick walls that go up pretty high. And that's sending a different message that we can't get past that spot. No entry. There's no door. It's just a wall. And those are more specific, very detailed. So you can imagine boundaries happening like this in your own life. A simple bit of guidance for people that you're close with. And sometimes you need a much higher wall to stay away from people who are difficult for you to be around, or who have poor boundaries themselves and invade upon yours. When I think about external boundaries around time and energy, I immediately go to protecting our health. Now we have to carve out time to get some fitness, to go for a walk, to maybe go to the gym. We have to carve out time to prepare a meal. Those are all really important boundaries around our time. There's no way you can buy back your health if you're not exercising. You can't go buy that later. You invest in it a little bit every day. That's a very important boundary to have. And when you think about environmental, I already gave you a few of my own examples. Making your bed every day or folding your sheets. Folding your towels, stacking things neatly. All of those are about environmental boundaries. They're material boundaries. It says I have these nice sheets. I will fold them and stack them neatly in the closet. It's very much about self-respect and material valuing your objects. And another way that you can think about a boundary for yourself around time is setting a schedule. I do laundry every Wednesday. It just worked out. If you are thinking about what's necessary for you to feel good, it almost always requires a day off to take care of your house, your chores. Maybe you need to run some errands that are just for you. Maybe you have things you like to have not necessary, but you like to have. Maybe you want to get your nails done. Maybe you need to get a haircut. All of these things require time. If you haven't been to the doctor or the dentist, that's a terrible boundary around your time. You're not protecting your health by skipping those appointments. I hope today's episode. How do you think creatively about your outer boundaries? There are direct reflection of your inner boundaries, and it really matters tremendously in building your creativity to be well rested, well nourished. Have relationships that feel mutual and respectful. All of those things are necessary to building up a happier, healthier, more creative life. Do you have a sense yet of where you need to have a little work on your boundaries? I hope you think about it. I hope you write down some ideas and then commit to it. Remember, these are things that need to be updated quite regularly. Your boundaries need refreshing quite often. If you find yourself in a work environment where you are unhappy or maybe others are unhappy, you find yourself gossiping or complaining. That's a very immediate, urgent spot where you want to set some boundaries. You can set boundaries on your own, complaining or gossiping. You can only talk to um people that will support you outside of work instead of gossiping at work. You can be strategic in how you spend your time or who you have lunch with. You can set limits or protect your your labor in some way. There's a lot of ways that boundaries can be infringed upon at work. You might feel that your boundaries are not so good in relationships and can think about like, how much time do you devote to each relationship? How do you know when to trust someone to let them be closer to you? All of these are really important questions, and when our boundaries feel good, they're clear and they're also flexible. There's people we get to know. We want them to know us more. We spend more time with them, and then we can have some flexibility on those boundaries. And then there's people that need to move out of our circles. If you visualize you in the center of a circle, and in that immediate circle around you are the people that you care about, not necessarily the people you spend the most time with, but the people that you care about. You love, you trust. The next ring is people that are maybe more associates, maybe coworkers that you don't know that well. Remember, just because you spend a lot of time with someone does not make them someone close to you. You get to decide how close you want to be to someone. Then there's people kind of outside that maybe you see, once in a while you say hello to at the coffee shop, people you don't know, you just pass on the street and these circles are shifting. So you can just imagine that you stay solid in the middle and you decide who is close and who is far. It's based on your emotions and your sense of things. There's not a right or wrong. It's your choice. You get to place people where you want them. You get to choose the boundaries that are best for you. So remember, you're a modern, creative woman and you create your own boundaries. There is zero selfish about boundaries. Nothing is selfish about setting a good, clean boundary with someone. It's best for you, it's best for the relationship. And people tend to like boundaries. They they help us be clear and they help us feel safe and trust. Let me know what you think. You can drop a message to me in the show notes. There's a little button. I always love to hear from you. It's really incredible what you all are discovering in terms of how creativity is helping you. And I love to learn from you. So do let me know. Have a wonderful rest of your week! Now that you know about how to use your creativity, what will you create? Want more? Subscribe to the Modern Creative Woman digital magazine. It's absolutely free and it comes out once a month. And I know you can get a lot out of the podcast and the digital magazine. Yet when you're ready to take it to the next level, I want you to know you have options inside the membership. And if you're interested in a private consultation, please feel free to book a call with me. Even if you just have some questions, go ahead and book a call. My contact is in the show notes and you can always message me on Instagram. Do come find me in the Modern Creative Woman on Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest at Doctor Amy Backus. If you like what you're hearing on the Modern Creative Woman podcast, I want to give you the scoop on how you can support the podcast. You can be an ambassador and share the podcast link with three of your friends. You can be a community supporter by leaving a five star review. If you think it's worth the five stars, and you can become a Gold Star supporter for as little as $3 a month. All those links are in the show notes. Remember to grab your free copy of the 21 Day Gratitude Challenge. The link is in the show notes and you can find it at. Com. Have a wonderful week and I c