146. Unhooking from your “I’m Not Enough” Story: Changing your Relationship to Thoughts

Have you ever believed a thought about yourself so completely that it felt like fact? I’m not good enough. I’m a fraud. I can’t handle this. In this episode, Dr. Amy Backos explores what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy calls cognitive fusion—the very human tendency to get tangled up in our thoughts and treat them as truth.

Drawing from art therapy, neuroscience, and decades of clinical practice, Amy explains how self-critical thoughts form, why “imposter syndrome” is nearly universal, and how believing these thoughts can quietly shape our choices, relationships, and creative lives. When we’re fused, we shrink. When we learn to step back, we regain perspective—and freedom.

You’ll learn simple, powerful defusion practices to help you observe your thoughts rather than obey them, including language shifts, present-moment awareness, walking meditations, and art-based exercises like doodling and mindful mark-making. These tools gently retrain the brain to see thoughts as mental events—not facts—so you can respond from clarity instead of fear.

If you’ve ever felt held back by your inner critic, this episode offers a compassionate, practical path forward. Because you are not your thoughts—you’re the one noticing them. And from that place, everything opens.

Transcript

I'm Doctor Amy Backos, and this is the Modern Creative Woman podcast. If you've ever been in a situation where you've thought less of yourself than you are worth. This episode is for you. We're going to get into what it means to have fused beliefs. That's where you believe what you're thinking. And I'm going to teach you a couple of different, really powerful strategies to observe your thoughts and create a whole new relationship with your thoughts. So let's get into this. Let's get this started. 

Many people, most people, maybe everybody experiences negative thoughts about themselves and specifically that category of thought that's about not being good enough. It might be that you imagine you're a fraud or a bad person, or the thoughts come out more like a related to guilt, a feeling of guilt and thoughts about I should have done something different. I wish I would have behaved in a different way. There are many lines of psychological research that suggest these thoughts present to such a wide variety of people across society, so frequently that they're considered universal. In other words, our brain is telling us these very predictable negative thoughts. And furthermore, these thoughts are even considered a condition from which we all suffer. Imposter syndrome. Now, in fact, imposter syndrome is not a disorder. It's not anything that a psychologist could diagnose you with. It's simply a category of thoughts about not being good enough. Instead, I'd really like to suggest that we're not a victim of imposter syndrome. But whether whether or not you believe these negative thoughts that pop into your head. There are times where we all become fused with these negative thoughts related to inadequacy. And to change our relationship with these kind of imposter thoughts and how it impacts our behaviors. We have to learn how to step back and diffuse from thoughts. So diffusion is a strategy. And I'll teach you a couple techniques a little later on at the end of the episode. But when we're fused to a thought, it means we believe that thought to be true or a fact. The first step that we have to engage in to defuse from a thought and change our relationship with what's going on in our mind, is we have to notice the thought. For example, you might have thoughts of I'm a fraud. I will be found out I'm not good enough. It might be something more specific. I'll never get the job. I will never make enough money. I wish I could have something different than what is, and I won't because something wrong with me. Now these thoughts, once we notice them, we have to consider how much are we believing them? You might ask yourself, how much do I believe this on a scale of 0 to 10? And that's a technique I use a lot with the women I work with. Do you believe that thought at 100% or 80%, or maybe half the time? Once we recognize that we're having this thought, you have so many more options. So the next step involves really making contact with the present moment and just being a curious, observing person to notice that thought in a like you're a little scientist. So you might think, oh, I'm having the thought that I'm a fraud. So simply adding that little bit in front of it, I'm having the thought can make a huge impact on us and allow us to recognize thoughts for what they are. And I'll remind you. Thoughts are just one neuron firing across a synapse, across to another neuron, and then spreading out in this predictable pattern. They're not facts. They really are just biological process. So to distance ourselves even further from our thought to be a true scientist and observer, we might make the following kind of detached observation. I'm aware that I'm having the thought that I'm a fraud. Do you see how that takes one step even further away? We start out thinking I'm a fraud. They're going to find me out. Then we shift into, I'm having the thought that I'm a fraud. And one more step back. You can be aware that you're thinking. And so that becomes. I'm aware that I'm having a thought that I'm a fraud to in other words, to diffuse from a thought. Means identifying and relating to thoughts as what they are, merely thoughts, rather than relating to the content of the thoughts. Now the content is something like I'm a fraud, I'm not good enough. That's just the content. I want you to shift a little bit and observe the thought. It's a thought, not the content of the thought, but the actuality of what's happening. Diffusion in this way helps us focus on the process of having and relating to our thoughts, instead of the content of the thought itself. Remember your thinking all day long. Your brain is constantly spinning, spinning, spinning and there is no fact about it. I might be thinking about the Olympics and in fact the Olympics have been happening. However, they're not in front of me. I'm at my home. They are not happening right now in front of me. They are merely a thought. Now I'm thinking about something that is true in the world, but my thinking is not the fact, it's just thinking. So when you discover your own thoughts that you're fused to, you can really ask yourself to, how can I relate to this as a thought instead of as a fact? So becomes I'm aware that I'm having the thought. Just try that before every thought. If you say, I can't handle this, try that. I'm aware that I'm having a thought that I can't handle this. I'm aware I'm having the thought that I will be humiliated. It's just a thought. It's not a fact. And I've worked with lots of women who've had. So much self-criticism that they became almost frozen in their ability to react to situations and frozen in their ability to pursue their dreams. They were believing the content of their thoughts instead of relating to thoughts as just thoughts. When we begin to see our thoughts for what they truly are, it's only then that we can relate to them as thoughts rather than the actual truth. So once we're able to do this, it's as if the veil has been pulled away to reveal the actual impostor. These thoughts have just been masquerading as reality. It makes me think of the great and powerful Oz, who really is just a man behind a curtain saying things. And it's kind of this powerful voice, and it's really intimidating. Now, our thoughts might seem true, and we might feel confident that they're true, but the reality is our thoughts are just thoughts inside our head. Our heart is beating. Our brain is thinking. The content of our thoughts is just the content. It's not really anything related to reality. Now, it's often easier to identify cognitive fusion in other people. So perhaps a friend adopts a negative self-talk about their worth. Or if you've ever given someone a compliment and they reject it completely. Maybe they look away. They say no, no, no, and they start to rationalize why it can't possibly true be true. It feels kind of upsetting to give a compliment and have it rejected, but that person might be just trying to be humble, or they might be thinking that those compliments are not for them. They can't possibly be true, and they're just responding to their own inner negative thoughts instead of responding to the relationship, the person in front of them and accepting the compliment, just saying thank you. So someone with these constant, self devaluing thoughts might then treat themselves as unworthy, even worthless. They might find themselves to be unlovable. Someone who accepts these kinds of feelings and believes these thoughts that they're not good enough. Can accept relationships that confirm their belief, and they may find themselves in relationships where they are undervalued. They are unable to get their needs met. From my perspective as a therapist, I really believe in the dignity and sacredness of all of the people that I'm working with. And from my perspective, I can see their inherent dignity of everyone. And yet, when women are fused with thoughts that are about they're not good enough or they can't handle it, it becomes challenging to see the value and dignity that I and other people in their lives see in them. They start to block what's true. They have friends and family that love them. They have a pet that cares for them. They have my investment in their personal growth. All of these things become dismissed because they're believing their thoughts, and they think the thoughts are facts, and everyone else is potentially lying to them. However, you can discover and relate differently to thoughts, figuring out that thoughts are thoughts, not reality or literal truth fundamentally changed how I think and how I relate to myself. I felt no longer up and down with my mood. I could focus on what was truly important to me, and not just start listening to my thoughts and neglect what was happening in front of me. When you begin to diffuse from thoughts, you might feel quite liberated to know that you're in charge of how you relate to your thoughts and what you choose to do with them. Now the concept is simple. However, the practice is ongoing. I've been doing this for decades and I'm still discovering these thoughts to which I am fused. And I'll unpack my thoughts. Think about it, play around with some of the language, and recognize that my brain is just doing what it's supposed to do, which is think a whole bunch of stuff. So like yoga, meditation, knitting, drawing, painting, anything that's a similar kind of pursuit, diffusing from our thoughts and relating to our thoughts in a different way, really is a lifetime of practice. There's no quick fix to this. However, it becomes easier and easier over time to recognize when you are engaged in thought fusion. At this point, you might be wondering what can you do to diffuse from your thoughts? Well, I've already given you one example, and that one is to identify a thought and then start to back away from it. So the first step, of course, is noticing. The second step is to recognize it as a thought. I'm having the thought. And then finally adding that perspective. I'm aware I'm having a thought. So let me give you some other examples of how you can diffuse from a thought. Are you in the present moment right now? How do you know if you are now? Being in the present moment really is experienced differently from the actual content to which you are attending? In other words, being in the present is not the same thing as noticing what's happening. So I might be reading a book or knitting and that thing, then thinking about my knitting pattern or imagining something about the character in the book. And those things are distinctly different from being in the present moment. Now, I might lose time and drop into flow as I'm enjoying whatever I'm working on. However, what's happening is different from the present moment. It's distinctly different. So whatever you're doing is your interpretation of the content on which you're focusing, but you're aware of what's happening. So the content of what's happening for you right now is you're hearing my voice, or you're reading my words in the transcript. And if you notice that as content, you can also take a step back and notice the process of being in the moment. So once you have that awareness, you can start to diffuse from thoughts. It really is that simple. Here's an example. Take yourself for a walk. On that walk, you can look around. You might notice the tree or a crack in the sidewalk. You might be aware of a bird chirping. All of these things are the content of your awareness, and you can also draw your attention to being in the present moment by asking yourself this one simple question who is noticing? Well, it's you, of course, and you noticing the moment is different than what you're noticing. You finish your walk, you go back home. You pat your dog. Now the dog is the content, but there's still you. In the present moment, you are noticing the content. Now it's the dog. Then you go make a cup of coffee, and now you're noticing the coffee, the smell of the coffee, the taste. That's the content. Who's noticing the coffee? It's you. This ability to tap into the present moment is the fastest way to diffuse from your thoughts. It really gives you the sense of noticing what's happening without getting all wrapped up in it. You can then notice your thoughts as they come and go, without getting wrapped up in the content of your thoughts. Try this exercise. Grab a pen and paper and begin doodling. Not with any particular picture in mind, just doodling without intention and then you'll start to see it maybe emerges into something. You'll notice a pattern, or you'll find yourself drawing a shape, something familiar. That's the content of your drawing. The process, however, is you. You're noticing your drawing. Who's noticing it's you? Noticing your drawing. So the drawing is like the content of the thoughts. And you, as the artist, are like the process of simply observing the present moment. Oh, there's drawing happening. That's just the content of what's happening. I hope you'll experiment with these. The walk, shifting your attention to something else and just noticing that you're paying attention to different things. But it's you that's paying attention. Grab your pen and paper and notice that it's you doing the drawing. We often find ourselves really wrapped up in the content of the moment, and our mind really is urging us to attend to these thoughts and feelings as they come and go. But as you know, you are not your mind. That comes from Tolle 2004, the previous cognitive diffusion examples that I gave you are really training to disengage from the content of your thoughts, simply to be able to step back and notice without judgment. To some things up. I want you to remember that cognitive diffusion is attempting to just notice anything that's happening. It's about noticing the function of the thought on your life. It's about noticing that the thoughts there at all. And then you can choose what you'd like to do with it. Ultimately, you don't have to respond to thoughts. You're not required to act on a thought. You don't have to run out and do something with any of the thoughts that you have. And this approach is really quite different from cognitive behavioral approaches, where the goal is to change or reduce the frequency of uncomfortable thoughts. What I'm teaching you is simply to alter the way that you're relating to your thoughts, and it gives you this lifelong improvement. You don't have to spend all your time changing thoughts. You do the same thing over and over again, which is simply relate to thoughts for what they are. Once you are able to see the thought for what it is, just the thoughts. Diffusion typically yields something very specific in the research. Um, an article by Stephen Hayes in 2020 says that diffusion gives us a decrease in believability of, or the attachment to these private inner events, rather than an immediate change in their frequency. What does that mean? It means we will be less attached to our thoughts. It doesn't mean they go away right away, but we start to have perspective on them. And this technique can apply to any uncomfortable thought that emerges. Any difficult situation that you're pondering can be observed in this much more neutral space, where you're aware of the content of your thoughts, and you're anchored in the present moment. When you're in this space, you have so many more options, so many more choices, and you're no longer compelled or compulsive, or have even an urge to have to act on your thoughts or continue a train of thoughts, you can simply notice them. It sounds a little paradoxical, but this is the ultimate soothing technique and it works for the whole rest of your life. You don't have to learn new strategies for relating to thoughts. You simply notice the thoughts. You might notice new thoughts or new uncomfortable thoughts. However, you can relate to them simply as thoughts. I gave you a lot of technical language today around diffusion, and with the ultimate goal of having more psychological flexibility and choice in your life, and this work has 40 years of psychological research behind it. It's certainly not new. A lot of it stems from philosophy and behavioral approaches to relax our relationship with our mind, so that we can engage in our life in the way that we find most satisfying. So let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you. You can message me on Instagram @DrAmyBackos. You can send me a note in the show notes here. And if you're enjoying all of these episodes, you can also become a sponsor of the show for just $3 a month. It really pays for the expenses of producing the show. So now that you know all of this about thought diffusion and the strategies that you can use, what will you create?