The Scrumptious Woman

S2 EP38 I Know Exactly What's Wrong. Why Can't I Make Myself Do It? With Juliette Karaman

• Juliette Karaman • Season 2 • Episode 38

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0:00 | 8:21

Welcome

Hello, lovelies. It’s Juliette here

Have you ever lain awake at 2 a.m. knowing exactly what’s wrong in your relationship?

You could write the list.

In fact, you probably already have.

You’ve read the books.
You’ve listened to the podcasts.
You know what needs to change.

And yet, morning comes…

You make the coffee.
You’re kind.
You get on with the day.

And you tell yourself you’ll deal with it when things are calmer.

When he’s less stressed.
When the kids are older.
When the house is finished.
When you’ve both worked through your trauma.

But what if the reason you’re not taking action isn’t because you need more information?

What if your body is stopping you before you even begin?

In this episode, I explore why knowing what’s wrong is often not enough to create change, especially when acknowledging the truth feels as though it could threaten the life, relationship, and story you’ve built together.

You’ll discover how the nervous system can move into freeze before your conscious mind has even made a decision, and why waiting for your partner or your circumstances to change can quietly keep your own power outside of you.

I’ll also guide you through a simple two-minute Touch Base practice designed to help your body experience safety, choice, and agency again.

Because you don’t have to begin with the enormous conversation.

Sometimes change begins with one tiny thing your body learns it can safely do.


Find your stage

If you know something needs to change but you keep finding yourself frozen, avoiding it, or waiting for the “right” moment, take the free Touch Reset Quiz.

It will help you recognise the pattern you’re in, understand how your nervous system responds to intimacy and closeness, and discover where to begin.

Touch Reset Quiz → https://feelfullyyou.com/touch-reset-quiz


📝 Episode Summary

Why can you know exactly what needs to change in your relationship and still find yourself doing nothing about it?

Because insight isn’t always what’s missing.

Sometimes your nervous system is protecting the life you already have.

In this solo episode, Juliette Karaman explores the hidden freeze response that can appear when you finally acknowledge that your relationship, intimacy, or connection is no longer the way you want it to be.

Admitting that something isn’t fine can feel much bigger than simply starting a conversation. It can seem to threaten the house, routines, holidays, family life, and even the version of your relationship you’ve shared with the outside world.

So the body braces.

And instead of acting, you wait.

You tell yourself you’ll begin when your partner changes, when life becomes less stressful, when the kids leave, or when you’ve both done more healing.

Juliette explains why these perfectly understandable reasons can also keep your power to create change somewhere outside of yourself.

Rather than beginning with a big conversation that may cause both partners to brace even more, Juliette introduces Touch Base, a simple two-minute sensory practice that helps you slow down, notice what’s happening in your body, and practise safety and choice.

The goal isn’t to manufacture desire or force intimacy.

It’s to show your body that you can choose something small and follow through with it.

That is where agency begins.

And from that foundation, structured communication, self-touch, intentional touch, and deeper intimacy can gradually become possible again.


🔎 Key Takeaways

Knowing what’s wrong isn’t the same as feeling able to change it.
You can understand your relationship patterns intellectually and still find yourself unable to take the first step.

Your body may freeze before your mind decides.
That tiny moment of bracing can happen automatically, making avoidance feel easier and safer than action.

Admitting something isn’t working can feel threatening.
Speaking the truth may seem to put your routines, relationship, family life, and the story you’ve built together at risk.

Waiting can quietly move your power outside of you.
Waiting for your partner to change, life to calm down, or circumstances to become perfect can mean you never have to take the first step yourself.

You don’t have to begin with the big conversation.
A serious “we need to talk” moment can cause already-braced nervous systems to tighten even further.

Start with something your body can actually experience.
A small sensory practice can help you notice your body, slow down, and practise making a conscious choice without demanding a particular outcome.

Consistency matters more than intensity.
Two intentional minutes, practised regularly, can be more useful than waiting for the motivation to make one enormous change.

Agency begins with following through on a small choice.
What matters is that you decided to do something and then did it. That experience can begin changing the pattern of freeze.

Safety creates the foundation for deeper intimacy.
Structured touch, communication, and self-touch become more accessible when the body has begun to experience greater safety and choice.

Patterns can change.
You may not need another book, podcast, course, or piece of insight. The next step may simply be small enough for your body to feel safe taking it.

I'd love to hear from you drop me a text!

🔗 Resources & Links

Let’s keep the conversation going over on Instagram.

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and share your thoughts. I love hearing your stories. And remember, you are scrumptious just as you are, inside and out.

Find out more about Juliette Karaman here: https://feelfullyyou.com 

SPEAKER_00

You're lying awake at 2 a.m. in the morning, and you are ready now. You know what's wrong. You could write the list. In fact, you have written the list. You've ticked all the boxes. You know exactly what to do. You've read the books, you've listened to a podcast. You may even have had or taken a tantra course or some kind of like how to turn him back on. Yet in the morning, you do none of it. You make the coffee, you're kind. You let another day go by, telling yourself that you'll start when it's calmer, when he's not so stressed, when he's not moving, when the house is built. Whatever it is, you know that you want more, and yet you leave it for later. I'm Juliet, Touch Expert, and I teach the touch reset for people who love someone and cannot find the door back in. Now let me say your question back to you in your own words. I know exactly what is wrong, and I know what would help. But why can't I make myself do this? Every day my DMs are full of this. Every time I meet with one of you, they say, but yeah, but I know that it's it's not as good as it used to be, or we're nowhere near what we used to be like, or we're just not having intimacy anymore. That's just part of who we are. Now, knowing all of this is never what was in the way. You know, you've read the books, you've known it all. Yet what stops you is your body, is the fear. Hello, subconscious. The moment you act, you admit one thing that this is not fine the way that it is. And that small sentence, that saying it out loud threatens the whole shape of your life, the house, the routine, the holidays away, the version of the story that you have told everyone else. But you know, it's so wonderful. We are such an incredible couple. And yet, you know what's wrong. Your body, your nervous system feels the thread and does the most protective thing it knows. It freezes. Hello, subconscious. You tell yourself a quieter story. You'll do it when he changes first. You'll do it when the kids are calm, when the house is built, when the retreat center is up and running, when he's dealt with his trauma, when you've dealt with your trauma. And I'm not saying that any of this is wrong, but it keeps the power to change her life sitting outside of you, in him where you never have to pick it up. And that freeze is stage two brace, the half second where the body tightens before you even decide. You've been meeting it every single morning and probably every single night. The moments when you go to bed before him or after him, or anything not to feel that emptiness. So we don't start with a big conversation. Shall we talk? That will brace both of you. An embrace body is not that. We start with one small act. This is why I talk about structure. Time. We start with touch base. I've already been subconsciously doing this because I've been teaching this for so many years. Breath. Take a moment and take a breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, and focus only on your fingers and the space in between them. And slowly let those fingers come closer. You may feel some buzzing and I feel some free sauna heat in the rest of my body, or especially here in the front part. And let your top finger land on that thumb. Take a breath there again. You're doing this in a place where you actually are safe. I tell people you have two minutes, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, or once in the evening. If it means going and locking yourself up into a loo so that you have two minutes and do this, you do it. On the way to work, on the way picking up the kids from school, wherever it is, do your two minutes of touch base. Now, ever so slowly move that top finger so that you can feel every single finger ridge because you can't. And your mind may be screaming like, go faster, go faster is not enough sensation. I just don't like this. Good. That's all information. Now I want you to tell yourself that you are safe because you are. There's no one behind you, no one there to pounce on you. And the longer you do this every day, twice a day, the more that your body actually recognizes that you are safe and that you can choose and you can act. And that is agency in the body where this freeze lives. Do this twice a day, and it's small on purpose. And what matters is that you did the thing that you decided to do. And everyone else tells you, maybe, to wait till the spark is reignited or take another course of five ways to blow his mind. I build you the first small door that you can walk through yourself. This is what we do in the room. This is when you can start bringing self-touch in. This is why structured prompts, structured communication, structured touch. On top of touch base, create that beautiful safety standard, and from there on so much more is possible. Next time that you're awake at 2 a.m. knowing everything and yet doing nothing, hear me. Do you need more insight? Or is it actually a one step that your body can feel? Your body braced the patterns that can be changed. Have a look at the touch reset quiz and it's names, the stages that you're in, and the pattern that you're in, and what to do to bring it back. It's in the show notes.

Head Shot

Juliette Karaman

Host