Feeling 'behind' in Life and Fumbling Your Way Through Your Thirties - What Like It's Hard?!

Ever feel like maybe life is backwards and society is just full of shit?! In this week's episode, we're drowning in the chaotic reality of feeling ‘behind’ in life — whatever that even means! From plot twists that no one asked for to fumbling through your thirties the 'wrong way'. Whether you're thriving, surviving or somewhere in between, it's time to reframe your perspective and switch up your mindset for 2025! No more conforming babes, do what makes you happy and do it well!

Follow the chaos here:

https://www.instagram.com/dazedand.delulu/
https://www.tiktok.com/@dazedanddelulu6

Get in touch and send us your Thoughts on the Loo here:
hello@dazedanddelulu.co.uk

If you'd like to support the show, we'd love to hear what you think. Please leave a rating or review. Thanks deluligans x

Transcript

 Why does moving backwards feel like failure, even when it's just a part of moving forward? Why don't I know what I want? Why am I so afraid of being lost when there's so much of life I've yet to find? Warning. This episode may contain high levels of whining, moaning, and general life frustration. Please proceed with caution if you're 2020 thriving or are in a particularly good mood.

You have been warned. When life gets messy, we get to Delulu. Buckle up bitches, it's time for a chat. Because this is Dazed & Delulu.

Hello and welcome back to the second edition of Thoughts on the Loo. Now I'll be honest, I'm not feeling super ready and raring to go this new year, and on the Lu this week I found myself thinking, why is my mindset in the toilet? Pun absolutely intended. I just feel like I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment and I need a serious perspective shift in 2025.

I think recognising that is a gift in itself, but I just think It's time to get out of this slump. Like I have a way of looking at things where everything is always half empty rather than half full. I've never been someone who has like a really positive mindset and it really pisses me off because as much as I try I just can't seem to get there.

And I try all of these self help books, I listen to podcasts over and over, and it's literally about rewiring your brain. I've been to therapy before and it's literally just like having these thoughts, recognising that you're having negative like limiting beliefs and then changing them, but it's not an easy thing to do.

So my new year's resolution for 2025 is seriously to switch up my mindset for sure. But that being said, I'm hoping, seeing as this is a community thing and I really do want to build on our Deluligan community. I don't want you to leave me out here all alone feeling pathetic. I want you to come wade with me in the self pity pool because I want your thoughts.

Are you having any delulu thoughts lately that you're afraid to say out loud or perhaps admit? I really want you to share that with us. You can send us a text directly to the show, completely anonymous. I wouldn't even know who it was that sent it. I can read some of them out and we can tackle these thoughts together.

One flush at a time. We will conquer the world. The likelihood is that you'll probably hear from some of the ones that I read out that you're not the only one having these thoughts. But in this week's episode, I want to dive into perspectives and falling behind in life. And that starts with me being honest about my situation.

Something I've actually toyed with because I didn't really want to put it on the podcast, but then who would I be to not share it? So my little life update, and something I was really initially embarrassed to admit, but like I say, in keeping with the theme of the podcast and raw honest conversations, I can't speak today.

Raw honest conversations that I promised in the mission statement along with obscene vulnerability I felt compelled to share. So as I say this week as 2025 hit me and a new year is generally supposed to propel you forward into a new season of you, I feel like I'm back at season one. Like, full on reruns on Comedy Central vibes.

Only now all of the characters are younger than you and it's really not that funny anymore. So here it is, at the grand old age of 36. Which to be honest still sounds bizarre to me because in my head I'm really not 36. Like, edging towards 29 maybe? But, you have to remember that I left to travel the world at 28.

I came of age in Oz, settled down, did all of the grown up things that you were supposed to do. And then kind of returned to the UK like a little girl, like back to that 28 year old. So I still feel like I'm her. Anyway, I digress. I know you're all dying to know what this confession is that I have. I've had to move back into my childhood home with my parents.

And I can't even say that sentence without a tremendous sinking feeling in my gut or a little voice inside my head that laughs at me and screams, Failure! This is also the fourth time I've moved house in five years, and honestly it's such a ball ache. It only adds to the lack of belonging in one place, which if you've travelled you'll be super familiar with.

Like, packing up all of your shit and moving it from one place to another, and moving into somebody's house that isn't your own, is always really difficult. What annoys me as well is, I know, you're probably judging me right now, and I would judge someone who said that they were moving back to their parents at 36.

36? What is wrong with me? And you know why? It's not because I'm a judgy bitch or because I look down on anyone. It's because I've been programmed to react that way by society, by all these expectations that are baked into us from a young age of what life should look like by your 30s. So naturally when you reach it and it doesn't look exactly how you imagined, or like the picture that was created for us, You automatically think, fuck, I've done something wrong here.

I've made poor life choices. What did they do wrong? Like, you do, your head does go there. And most people move back in with their parents because they're waiting for a house to go through or whatever. And here's me moving back because I don't have a place to live here. And I need to figure out what it is that I'm doing with my life and what direction I want to go in.

And the past six months, whilst it's been liberating to quit my full time job and go after what I want, it hasn't come without serious struggles mentally. Now, I am also acutely aware of the fact that I need to practice what I preach. I know that obviously this podcast and the whole premise around it is not judging yourself on societal timelines, but it's difficult not to.

So I want to share something that my friend sent me on Instagram and it says, The reason you feel behind is not because you've failed at timing, it's because you're measuring your life against a timeline that was written for a world that no longer exists. Your parents milestones were mapped for an economy that died.

a housing market that vanished, a relationship that didn't have to survive, gamified dating apps and social media. And my god did that hit me in the feels and open my eyes. It's so true. Expectations are so different. Timelines are so different. We are judging ourselves on a world that doesn't exist. Back then, 36 would be considered ancient in my little child's eyes.

My mum and dad would have had a teenage daughter at my age because that's just what you did. But 36 to me now does not feel old. I'm in my prime. I'm still so young. And I do not feel that 36 is ancient like I used to back when I was little. And the thing is, the goal was to have a family, to procreate, have a family unit, a stable job.

But fast forward to 2025, the goalposts have changed. The rules have changed, but the expectations haven't caught up. And when I looked at it like that, it really changed my perspective. These timelines were built for a world with stable job markets. Nobody was freelancing or going after their dreams and hustling for something outside of the nine to five where you typically work for a boss and die.

Affordable housing. In the 80s, you could buy a house for three times your salary. Now it's something closer to 10 times your salary in most major cities. And there were fewer societal pressures. Social media, for one, didn't exist. You weren't judging yourself on the world's timeline, only those within your inner circle or those around you.

Because you had no fucking clue what anyone was doing. Nor did you care, probably. Ignorance is bliss. As the world has evolved, these milestones feel increasingly out of reach for so many, unlike it did for our parents. The economy, social structures and technology have all shifted so much, but the expectations haven't caught up.

And when I looked at it like that, I didn't feel as bad. And I think for me, what I struggle with the most is accepting that. We live in a world now where we can pretty much do whatever the fuck we want to do. We can get whatever we want, whenever we want it. And I think I've fallen victim to being one of those people who wants to have it all.

There's so much choice. There's so much opportunity. How do you know which route that you take? I don't want to do that after two years. I get bored of doing that because I know that there's something else out there. Also seeing the world and everything it has to offer and all of these beautiful places that I saw in a really short space of time when I went traveling makes it hard to think about settling down in one place.

And whilst I can tell myself until I'm blue in the face that everyone's journeys are different, because mine is so different, and I feel so different to so many of my friends and so many others around me, I find myself still flitting between two mindsets. Because every time I think to myself that I'm absolutely okay with being different and living life with obscene curiosity and not conforming to society, I'm reminded that there is still an underlying pressure that still lingers around.

Especially when it comes to age, especially as I'm approaching 40. Sometimes I wish we could just get rid of age altogether, because then I think it would take away a level of pressure. And what makes it harder is knowing that my struggle isn't really about what I want, it's about what I think I should want, or what I think should have happened by now.

And trust me, I try to forget the expectations and tell myself this, but they do creep in, and it's that balancing act of embracing my own path, while facing the discomfort of not fitting into the traditional narrative. So in one head, I'm like, yes, this is exactly what I want to do. In the other head, it's like, but this isn't what you're supposed to do.

This is where you should be. And then I'm so confused. I just want to bury my head in the sand and go to sleep. And honestly, I feel that kind of pressure when I'm on dates even, or I meet new people because I'm afraid to admit where I'm at at 36. Because my life is different, and I do question if my choices make me seem less together, or if being different or daring to challenge the status quo makes me less appealing to guys because maybe they want a girl that isn't so scatty and has our shit together.

I went on a date recently, and not that he asked me any questions about myself, because he was too busy talking about himself, which should have been red flag number one, but that's a whole other episode. But I actually found myself being glad that he didn't ask me questions, because I didn't want to admit where I was.

I didn't want to admit I wasn't working full time and I was trying to go after a dream or that I was moving back in with my parents. How sad is that? That I feel an element of shame around what I'm trying to achieve in case people judge or call it a pipe dream or think I'm stupid for going after it.

Why would you not think that people who don't go after their dreams are stupid? Because the majority of the people do do that. It's like this thing to fit in, it's like I have a desire to fit in but then also want to break the mould. Even if it terrifies me to do so, I'm one of these people, I'll go and do a bungee jump, even though I know it will terrify me, I won't let it beat me, I want to do everything that the world has to offer, I won't ever let anything scare me, and even if I am scared, I'll do it scared.

And I think it's this constant push and pull between being unapologetically myself and feeling like I have to measure up to a version of a life that's not even mine to begin with. And sometimes it just feels exhausting. I think it's also a fear of being judged because people reject the unfamiliar, and I'm really not a fan of rejection.

I currently live with my best friend, and her life is moving on. She's taking the next step with her boyfriend, they're moving in together. And a lot of my friends have moved on in the past 12 months. I lost all my single friends in 2024, and whilst I'm so elated for them, I'm also like, can I be simultaneously happy for them but like super sad for me at the same time?

Like does that work? Because I'm also a bit gutted. In a selfish way, I am gutted because my friends are the literal loves of my life. Boyfriends come and go, always will in my opinion, yet to find something that sticks. But your friends are a part of you, ingrained in every wrinkle, every vein of your life.

Like every season of me they've been there for. If you're lucky like I am and people are with you throughout the whole book but people don't put as much weight on that kind of platonic love as they do romantic love, which is such a shame because if we're measuring ourselves in terms of how much love is in our lives outside of romantic, I would definitely win.

If you're struggling with a part of your life right now that you don't know if it makes sense or you're not feeling ready for new goals and smashing shit in 2025, just remind yourself that nothing in life is permanent. I've had to consistently remind myself this is a temporary thing. Hard times don't last forever.

And whilst the euphoric moments don't last either, like I'm afraid to say, the good times don't always last that long either. I mean, I remember in June 2018, um, June 2018, I just put down a bond deposit with my boyfriend in an apartment in Cairns that had not one, but nine swimming pools. Life was perfect in every area of my life.

And that didn't last long, unfortunately, four years maybe. So the shit won't last either. Like that's the good thing. That's the silver lining. And you have to remember, I said this to a friend the other day, there's no growth in the comfort zone and there's no comfort in the growth zone either. So if you're feeling super uncomfortable right now, chances are you're growing.

And that is so important. And I talk about this a lot and I'm sure I'm probably boring the tits off of you all, but self growth, self recognition, going after what it is that you want. That is super important. And it's like, what really determines success? Like, can you have a factual answer? What determines success?

Money? Status? Does that automatically determine success? Does that automatically generate happiness? I mean, it definitely helps. I like to spend and I don't have much money, so it doesn't help. But really being able to question what you want out of life is the real success, in my opinion. Rather than succumbing to the tides of doing what you think you should be doing.

I followed a guy on Instagram last night who lost his leg, whose whole life changed in an instant. Do you think if you lost your leg or you knew you were about to lose your leg or got seriously ill, the same things you worry about now would change? Do you think they'd probably not hold as much weight?

Probably. But nobody thinks of it like that until something life changing like that actually happens. And yeah, I'm moving back with my parents. Shit happens. It int the rest of my life, it's just a point in time that I have to accept right now. And the thing is, you can try and fight change. God knows I do. I always say, what about this?

And what about that? But you end up making yourself feel worse. Instead of fighting life's impermanence, lean into it and recognise that some of life's greatest gifts will often come from the harder moments. Like George Clooney once said, you don't learn anything from success. You just don't. Success comes from failure and rebuilding yourself time and time again.

And at the end of the day, these timelines that we're all so worried about, and that we've been handed, were made for a different world. Our reality is shifting, and it's okay if your path doesn't look like everyone else's. She says, crying into her oat vanilla latte, I'm aware, practice what you preach.

But, it's all about mindset and perspective. I could say I'm 36, I'm moving back in with my parents because my life lacks direction, I'm still single and unmarried, and I don't have a full time job. Or I could say I'm 36. My parents have kindly said I can move home to save money whilst I figure out where I'd like to settle down.

I'm still single because I choose not to accept a mediocre love and I'm so excited that I still get to meet my person and fall in love. I don't work full time because I chose the freedom to launch a podcast to go after my dream and find out what makes me truly happy. Can you hear the difference between the two?

They're both correct. They're both 100 percent correct. But you say it one way, you hear it another. And that's something that I have to train my brain this year to get into my head. That you have to look for the positives in your situation. People are always a lot worse off. I don't really like that saying because of course people are always worth off.

But success isn't about meeting expectations. It's about creating a life that feels right for you. And I know I wasn't built for mundane. That much I know. Whilst I don't know what life looks like for me long term, I know I like to be different, push the boundaries, squeeze every drop of life juice out of this world over merely existing.

Because so many people don't get to do that. And I don't think that will change either. There's so much life to be lived. I've got so much that I want to do, so much that I want to see. For me, it's just organizing how I do that and not getting overwhelmed. But my wish for 2025 is to let go of pressure.

Lean into change and trust that my story and your story is unfolding exactly as it's meant to. If I've learned anything, it's that life's timeline doesn't follow a straight path. I always speak about zigzags and there's no right or wrong way to live life. Moving back in with my parents, if you'd have told me that five years ago, I would have laughed.

Or cried. It feels humbling to say the least, but it's just another chapter in my story. The same way I once thought I'd made it. I now realise it's about navigating the ups and downs with grace and compassion for yourself and knowing there's always another chapter waiting to be written. I just have to hurry up and decide how I want to write that next chapter but I'm grateful that I still have a pen.

So I hope that gave you some food for thought for the new year ahead and hopefully if there's anything that you're going through or anything that you're thinking maybe didn't go the way that you hoped that it would. It's just a mindset and sometimes the only path or the only obstacle between you and peace of mind is just changing the way you see something.

Shifting the perspective, suddenly the chaos becomes organised and it's not an easy thing to do and I say that all the time like it's definitely something that I really struggle with and I need to just try and think of the positives and stop being so hard on myself and stop putting that pressure on myself because there is a lot of pressure out there to be this new year, new you and it's all bullshit at the end of the day.

I just think sometimes I'd actually like to go and live in the 80s because I think it would have been a simpler life. But yeah, so if you enjoyed this podcast, if you enjoyed this episode, if you're enjoying the show in general, I would really love to hear from you. A little rating or a review would take one minute of your time, but it's actually so beneficial to the show.

It just helps us reach new people and I want this to be a community of people. I really want to help people feel less alone and have the courage to speak about maybe lives that are living a little bit differently and I can't do that without my little community. So if you like the podcast and you want to show your support, it's free, it takes one minute of your time, just hit a little rating or even follow the show.

It all helps push up the podcast charts and helps get it out to more people. Which I'll be super appreciative of because it is very time consuming, it's all completely self produced, it's something that I'm loving, that I'm learning, but it's also something that's completely out of my comfort zone and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

So just that little bit of extra help would be amazing. And if you're not enjoying it, that's absolutely fine. Just maybe don't leave a review cause I don't really want any bad ones on there, you know? So it's like a five star or just don't bother. So if you're not enjoying it, absolutely.

But then if you're not enjoying it, why are you listening to it? Like why are you listening to things that you don't enjoy? So thank you so much for listening. I hope that you found value in that and I hope that you've had a cracking start to your new year. And I will see you in the next episode. I'm super excited for some of the guests that we've got coming on this year.

And yeah, I'll see you soon. Until then stay Delulu.