When to Leave - When Your Family Hates the Church

The episode delves into the challenges faced by ministry families when church responsibilities overshadow familial relationships. It encourages candid conversations, boundary-setting, and prioritizing family health above all to ensure a harmonious balance between ministry and home life.

• Discussing the impact of ministry on family dynamics 
• Highlighting unrealistic expectations faced by church family members 
• Emphasizing communication as a tool for understanding 
• Addressing the busyness of ministry and its effects 
• Offering practical steps to prioritize family well-being 
• Encouraging scheduling family meetings for open dialogue 
• Stating the importance of loving and supporting one's family 
• Inviting listener stories to connect and share experiences

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:07

Hey there , welcome back to the Healthy Church Staff Podcast . My name is Todd Rhodes . I'm one of the co-founders over at chemistrystaffingcom and I'm here to walk with you every day , monday through Friday . You and I talk about challenges and opportunities that ministry brings our way . Today's episode hits really close to home for many of us at one time or another in our ministry .

Speaker 1 0:30

What do you do when things aren't going well at the church ? Okay , let's just be honest , Things aren't going really well and it's bleeding over into your family , not only your spouse , but also your kids and how they feel about the church . What do you do ? What do you do when your family starts to hate the church I know that's a strong word , but dislike the church or have bad feelings about the church or even hate the church . We talk with candidates . It's more often than what I'd like to say . We ask how their wife or how their husband is doing and they say , to be honest , they haven't been to church with me . They haven't been to our church for six months or a year . It happens and it's a tough topic , but it's an important one , and we are in the middle of a three , almost smack dab in the middle of a three-week series inspired by Wade Hodge's book when to Leave , how to know when it's time to move on before you stay too long . And today we're going to explore how ministry can affect your family and how to make decisions that honor both your calling and your loved ones . Okay , so let's be honest , ministry doesn't just affect you , your ministry doesn't just affect you , it affects your family , and when your spouse or kids start expressing frustration or resentment or even anger toward the church , it's a signal that hey , that's a red flag , something needs some attention here .

Speaker 1 1:51

So Wade Hodges in his book , highlights some common reasons that families struggle with ministry , and the first is unrealistic expectations . Your family might feel like they're living in a fishbowl , constantly being watched and judged . So maybe unrealistic expectations are a problem . Maybe there's not enough time to spend together , just a lack of time together . Ministry can be all consuming , especially during seasons , and sometimes that leaves a little room if you're not careful for quality family time , and over time this can really breed some resentment .

Speaker 1 2:27

Maybe there's conflict and criticism in your church , and when your family sees you being criticized or mistreated , it can hurt them deeply , sometimes more than it hurts you . As a matter of fact , I would almost guarantee that if you're criticized , it's going to hurt your spouse in many instances more than it hurts you . It's going to hurt your spouse in many instances more than it hurts you because she's going to want to , or he's going to want to , stick up for you right . So conflict and criticism might be a reason . And then , finally , maybe you're just in the busyness of serving others , maybe you're just neglecting their needs . It's easy to unintentionally not saying anybody does this on purpose but unintentionally neglect the emotional and spiritual needs of your own family , because you're doing God's work right . So ignoring these issues is it doesn't make it go away . It doesn't make these issues go away . In fact , it can often make things worse .

Speaker 1 3:21

If your family is struggling , it's time to prioritize your health and well-being , even if it means making some difficult changes , and those changes can be really difficult . So here's the bottom line for today and I want you to remember this because this is really it's really key your family is your first ministry , not your church , not anything else . Your family has to be your first ministry , and if they're suffering because of your ministry , role man , something's got to give , something's got to change . So here are some steps that you can take . First of all , listen to their concerns . Set aside some time to have an honest conversation with your spouse and kids . Maybe that's together , maybe it's separately , but hopefully the communication is good enough in your family that you can just have a heart-to-heart and ask them how they're feeling about the church . Ask them how they're feeling about your role at the church . Really listen to them . Don't get defensive . You can't change how they feel and you're not going to change how they feel , especially if you get defensive . But listen to their concern . Then protect their boundaries , especially if they feel like they're living in that fishbowl .

Speaker 1 4:31

Make it clear to the church that your family's well-being is a priority , and it might mean saying no to certain commitments or just creating some space for some family time . Maybe you need to evaluate your schedule . Take a really hard look at how you're spending your time . Are you overcommitted ? Are you out of the house six nights a week ? Are you overcommitted ? What can you delegate ? What can you eliminate to create more margin for your family ? And maybe sometimes you just need to take some time to seek some support or some counseling If the strain of your family feels overwhelming . Don't hesitate . There is no embarrassment at all in seeking help from a counselor or a coach who understands the unique challenges of ministry .

Speaker 1 5:16

So if you're dealing with any family members that are starting to feel , even if it's just a slight little bit , of resentment toward the church , here's an action step I'd love for you to take this week Schedule a family meeting . Maybe it's a one-on-one , maybe it's with the whole family . Just call a family meeting and create a safe space for everyone to share how they're feeling and ask questions Okay , what's working here , what's not ? Where are you frustrated ? What do I need to do better ? How can I support you better ? How can I support our family better ? This is really important and you're not going to know the extent of the damage that you probably have an inclination , but you're not going to know really the extent of what's going on until you really start to drill down and have some conversations . Is this a struggle that you're facing ? Is your family about done with church ?

Speaker 1 6:09

We often tell candidates that are like this in this situation man , the most important things you can do right now as a pastor . If we're talking to a guy , we'll say , hey , the most important thing you can do right now as a pastor . If we're talking to a guy , we'll say , hey , the most important thing you can do right now as a pastor is make sure that your wife loves the church and make sure that your kids come out of this loving Jesus . That's really incredibly important . If you'd love to share , I'd love to hear , and you can share , your story . I'd love to offer encouragement to you . I've been there , done that . I've seen the good , the bad , the ugly , and I would love to hear whatever you're going through and see if there's any way I can help . You can email me anytime . I'm just an email away podcast at chemistrystaffingcom and you just need to know . It might feel like it , but you're not alone in this and I'd be honored to help you and support you and we would here at Chemistry Staffing in any way that we can .

Speaker 1 7:01

All right , finally , before I let you go today , if you've not already downloaded this Wade Hodges book when to Leave , I would like to give you a URL that you can use to download it right now . It's just chemistrystaffingcom slash when-to-leave . I made it as difficult as possible chemistrystaffingcom slash when-to-leave . It's a great resource for navigating through really tough decisions in ministry . Okay , that's it for today . Thanks so much for joining me . Remember your family's health and happiness are just as important as your ministry . Matter of fact , your family's health and happiness are your first ministry , and when your family thrives , your ministry is going to be stronger too . So take the time to listen and love and lead at home . All right , take care . I'll see you again here , right here tomorrow , on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast . Have a great day .