The Unofficial Therapist Problem: When Everyone Expects You to Fix Their Problems

In this episode of the Healthy Church Staff Podcast, Todd Rhoades discusses the critical importance of setting boundaries for ministry staff, particularly when it comes to handling personal crises within their congregation. Todd explains how pastoral staff often find themselves overwhelmed by the assumption that they're available 24/7 to manage crises outside of their scope, contributing to burnout and neglect of their own family and personal time. The episode emphasizes the need for setting boundaries to maintain sanity, referring parishioners to appropriate professionals when needed, and how senior pastors should model these practices. • Ministry staff often face overwhelming demands to help with personal crises. • Assumption of infinite availability and support can lead to burnout. • Setting boundaries is crucial to maintain mental health and effectiveness. • Distinguish between pastoral care and professional counseling. • Create referral lists for professionals to help manage crises. • Encourage setting office hours and not responding to every call immediately. • Senior pastors should model boundary-setting behavior for their teams. • Healthy church systems should not rely on staff heroics.

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Transcript

The Late Night Crisis Text

SPEAKER_00 0:07

We are about ready for bed. It's 9 47 p.m. And your phone buzzed. It's a text about somebody's marriage crisis. Yesterday it was a financial emergency. Last week somebody's teenager was acting out. And before that, a workplace conflict that only you can help with. And you ask yourself, when did I become the unofficial therapist for our entire church? And why does everybody assume that their crisis is my emergency? If that sounds familiar, we're going to talk about it today. You're in the right place. We're talking about things here on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast that a lot of times just could go left unsaid, but we're going to crack them open and talk about the elephant in the room, the good, the bad, the ugly of church ministry. And that's what we do every day here on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. Hi, my

Why Everyone Brings You Everything

SPEAKER_00 1:00

name's Todd Rhodes, one of the co-founders, along with Matt Steen, over at Chemistry Staffing.com. Well, here's what's really happening. People assume that ministry staff have just absolute infinite emotional capacity. That's why you're a pastor. That's why you're on a church staff, because that's what you do. You're there to listen when I have a problem. And they think that your calling includes being available 24-7 for all of their problems. You became the go-to person because you hold the title and because supposedly you actually care. But caring doesn't mean that you're qualified to handle everything. And there's a difference between pastoral care and professional counseling. You learn that very quickly and early on in your ministry. And sometimes this is where it gets a little bit tricky because you start saying yes to everything because it feels loving. It feels like that's what you're supposed to do as a staff member, as a person, and as you as a pastor. And as you do that, your phone over time becomes just this crisis hotline that you just never signed up for. You're giving advice outside of your expertise. You don't even know. You're like giving advice, and you don't even know if it's the right advice. People stop taking responsibility because they just know that they can talk to you and that you'll give them some advice and that you'll hopefully be able to fix it. And over time, your family time gets hijacked

Pastoral Care Versus Counseling

SPEAKER_00 2:30

by other people's emergencies because you're on the clock 24-7 and you're exhausted, but you feel guilty about setting limits. Now, your heart to help pe your heart to help people is exactly right. But you're not helping anybody when you're burned out and you're operating outside of your gifting. So I want to encourage you today with something that's not very popular in pastoral ministry. Boundaries are necessary. Boundaries aren't selfish. Boundaries aren't selfish, they're stewardship. You can care without carrying everybody's problems. Try saying this, I care about you and I want you to get the best help. And then build a referral list of actual counselors and professionals. How many times have people brought to you things and two minutes in, wow, I am way out of my league here. This has so many this has legal consequences, this has moral consequences I've not even thought through. This

Boundaries That Protect Your Calling

SPEAKER_00 3:35

has just I don't even know where to start here, and you know that it's going to be a lengthy session. Sometimes you just need to set those boundaries, and sometimes you're not the right person that they need to be talking to. So build a referral list of actual counselors and professionals. Another thing you can do is create some office hours for non-emergency conversations. Not every text, not every call, demands a two-hour counseling session, and not every text and every call demands a two-hour counseling session this afternoon. Stop responding to text immediately just because you can. It's going to drive some people crazy, but it's going to help you set up some boundaries. Now, of course, there are absolutely emergencies, and I am not discounting pastoral calling and you being there in times of need and emergency. But not everything is an emergency. A lot of times people think what they think is an emergency really isn't. It's just something that's really on their mind and on their heart. So let's talk about the reality of what this looks like on your church staff. Your senior pastor needs to model this too. The congregation learns what's acceptable by watching the senior pastor. And if the senior pastor is a fix-it person, you're actually disempowering people. Healthy churches have systems, not just staff heroics. You're paid to do ministry, but not to manage everybody's life chaos. So here's

Systems Over Staff Heroics

SPEAKER_00 5:05

the bottom line today. You can't love people well when you're trying to be their savior instead of pointing them to the savior. So this week it'd be helpful, I think, get out of piece of paper, write down three types of problems that regularly land on your desk that just shouldn't, and then identify one person or resources that you resource that you can refer those things to, those people to instead. And practice this phrase. It's really simple. I care about you, uh, and I want you to get the best help for this. And this is how I'm gonna help you do that, and then give them the referral. You were called to ministry, not to manage everybody's personal crises. There's a difference, and your sanity depends on knowing it. So I hope this has been a helpful reminder to you that boundaries are actually important, they're actually necessary, and you need to set

A Simple Plan For Next Week

SPEAKER_00 6:05

them up. If you don't, you're going to get pulled into a lot of different things, and you're never able to do the actual ministry roles and ministry jobs that you want to do because you're always putting out fires by fixing everybody's problems. Again, I just whenever I do a podcast like this, I'll get angry emails. Todd, this is part of a pastoral role. Absolutely, don't hear me say that that counseling and being there for people is not pastoral and that you just need to stop doing that. That is not at all what I'm saying. Matter of fact, that is one of the purely pastoral things that you could do is one-on-one building up and building into people's lives. You just can't be on call 24-7. You have to guard your own soul and the souls of your family as well as you minister as best as you can to the people that God has entrusted to you. Any feedback, any comments, I'd love to hear them. I really would. Podcast at chemistry staffing.com. If

Feedback Invitation And Closing

SPEAKER_00 7:05

there's any way that we can help you at chemistry with any staffing, any healthy church staff issues, problems, circumstances, scenarios, uh, I would love to hear your story, get to know you a little bit better. You can reach out to me, podcast at chemistry staffing.com. All right, that's it for this week. I hope you have a great week. My daughter's getting married this weekend, so it's gonna be a great, fabulous time. At least I hope it is. It's gonna be very stressful as well. I'm doing it very much, pray for me. All right. We'll talk to you on Monday. Have a great weekend.