How to Disagree With Your Senior Pastor (Without Getting Fired)

In this episode of the Healthy Church Staff Podcast, host Todd Rhoades discusses how church staff should approach situations where they disagree with the senior pastor's direction, focusing on distinguishing between preference and principle disagreements. He provides strategies for effectively and respectfully communicating disagreements, emphasizing humility, private discussions, and data-backed arguments. Rhoades stresses that disagreement should not be equated with disloyalty, and listeners are encouraged to consider their long-term health in toxic environments. • Distinguish between preference and principle disagreements. • Check your intentions before addressing disagreements. • Frame your disagreement as curiosity, not correction. • Disagree in private, support in public. • Use data to back up your disagreements. • Evaluate whether the senior pastor is open to input. • Consider personal and professional well-being in the work environment.

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Transcript

When A Decision Feels Off

SPEAKER_00 0:09

You're sitting in a staff meeting and your senior pastor just announced a direction that feels just feels feels it feels like something that doesn't fit your church or a direction maybe that you normally wouldn't go or normally wouldn't expect from your senior pastor. Now don't get me wrong, it's not evil, it's not heretical, it just feels off, it just feels raw. And let's say you're the worship pastor or the executive pastor or the youth guy. You're not his peer, you're his report, but you can't unsee and you can't unhear what you just experienced. And now you've got a choice: either say something or just stuff it. If this sounds familiar, that's what we're talking about today here on the Healthy Church Staff Podcast. I'm your host, Todd Rhodes, one of the co-founders over at chemistrystaffing.com. Most of us were never taught how to disagree up. You understand what I'm talking about when I say disagree up? That means having a disagreement with one of our superiors, going to your boss and saying, Are you sure there? It's really difficult. So we're going to talk about that here today.

Preference Or Principle First

SPEAKER_00 1:18

And the first thing I'd like to say is that not all disagreements are created equal. Some disagreements are just about preference. Let's say worship style or the format of the staff meeting or what color to paint the lobby. I don't know. But other disagreements are about principle, like theological drift, or ethical compromise, or mission abandonment at your church. And you need to know, first of all, which one of these, when something feels off, which one of these is it? Because if it's preference, here's my advice. And this it's difficult because we love our preferences. That's why there are preferences. Here's my advice though. If it's a preference difference, let it go. Let it go. If it's principle, you might need to speak. But here's where a lot of staff get tripped up, right? And it's a trap because we treat every disagreement like it's a hill to die on. We confuse our strong opinions with everybody else's moral clarity. We think disagreement equals disloyalty. Or worse, we stay silent for months and then we just explode. Or we stay silent for months and then we just leave and don't tell anybody why. By the time we finally say something, if we ever do say something, it's not a conversation. It's an ultimatum. Or it's a resignation letter. So listen, your senior pastor probably isn't trying to ignore you or shut you down. He's carrying a load that you probably don't see. He's dealing with things that you don't see in your role. We all get that. And we need to understand that. He's making decisions with incomplete information just like you are. But that doesn't mean you have so you don't have something valuable to offer. And that's why we need to, when it's a matter of principle, we need to learn how to disagree well and disagree up.

Four Steps To Disagree Well

SPEAKER_00 3:18

So, first of all, you need the first step here, I think, is you gotta check your heart first before you s before you ever open your mouth. Before you roll your eyes, before anybody even has a hunch looking at your face that you have a problem here. Check your heart first. Is this about mission or is this about you being right? Man, I am as bullheaded. You get it from my dad, maybe a little from my mom. They're both past and they're not listening. So maybe a little bit from both, but I could be a bull-headed person. And a lot of times I can fight for something. Yeah, have you ever been in a side note? Have you ever been in an argument with someone, maybe your spouse or maybe your pastor, where you went in feeling like you were absolutely right? About halfway through the conversation, you realized that you weren't right after all. It was that they were right, but it's too late to back down. So you got to keep fighting. That's me. I can be very bullheaded like this. Ask yourself Am I bringing a solution or am I bringing a complaint? Because leaders can smell the difference a mile away. So that's step one. Check your heart first. Step two, frame it as a curiosity, not as correction. Instead of, I think this is a mistake, say, help me understand what you're thinking here. I'm wrestling with how this might play out. You're not challenging the authority of your senior pastor, you're inviting him into your thought process and you're helping you're asking him for clarification. So that's step number two. Frame it as curiosity. Step number three, disagree in private and support in public. This is this is non-negotiable, okay? If you undercut your pastor in front of the team, you've lost the right to be heard, in my opinion. Even if you're right. Okay? So again, the rule for step three, disagree in private, support in public. Step four, bring data, not just your feelings. I just feel like this won't work, is not compelling. Here's what happened when we tried similar a couple years ago. That's compelling. And if you're going to push back, make sure you do your homework. And then here's the hard

When Pushback Is Never Welcome

SPEAKER_00 5:30

part. Sometimes you do all this and the senior pastor still doesn't listen. And then you have to decide: is this a Romans 14 issue where we can agree and stay? Or is this more of an Acts 15 issue where the disagreement is just fundamental and it's not going to work? Because if it's a theological compromise, an ethical violation, or a mission abandonment that changes everything, you might not be in the wrong place because you disagree. You might be in the wrong place because you agree with something that your pastor doesn't value anymore. And that's not rebellion, that's just clarity. So, one more thing before we land the plane on this one, okay, today. And it's a question that a lot of church staff should be asking, but they never ask. Here it is. You ready? Is my senior pastor actually open to input? Is my senior pastor actually open to input? Because some leaders are, and some leaders aren't. And you probably know the answer to that question. And if you're working for someone who genuinely can't receive pushback, that's not a character flaw in you. Okay? That's a culture problem. And you can be the most gracious, respectful, humble person in the room and still not be heard. And at some point you have to ask, can I flourish here? Not am I right? Not should I have even said anything? That's not the question. The question is, can I stay healthy here long term? Because sometimes the most faithful thing you can do is to leave well.

Bottom Line And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_00 7:05

So here's your bottom line for today. Disagreement is not disloyalty, but how you disagree reveals whether you're a team player or just a critic. Disagreement done right can actually build trust, but it requires humility and wisdom and a whole heck of a lot of emotional maturity. You can do this. That's it for today on the podcast. Love to hear your comments. Podcast at chemistry staffing.com. We will be back here. Hope you have a great weekend. We'll be back here on Monday. Have a great weekend, and we'll see you back on Monday.