10 questions to ask your date! Avoid the trauma bond now and stop anxious attachment cycle

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello, my relationship Success Tribe. So good to have you here, and today we are going to be talking about 10 questions that you can be asking your partner to really check in on whether or not you are aligned. And this is really born out of a conversation that I had with a client who was healing from a trauma bond and had multiple painful and toxic relationships, harmful cycles and anxious attachment, relationship style. And she was entering the dating world and she was saying. And desperately asking, how do I know that I'm on the right path? Because I thought I was on the right path before with my previous partner and it turned out to not be the right path. So what do I do? And here I have got 10 really juicy, really interesting questions that will really spark up certain conversations that you are needing to have with your partner. But also it will give you insights into what they're like and how it is that you're aligned or misaligned. So please use these questions if you are. New if you are just meeting somebody, or you can even use it if you've been with somebody for a few months, maybe a couple of years, maybe even if you're in a long term relationship, if you've been with your partner for 10 years or so. But it would really give you some insights and also some things to learn about them and points to work on. And from here, you can then decide. Where you want to take this relationship, and please wait for number 10 because I think number 10 is the most important question. So first off, first question is asking, what are you currently working on personally or professionally? And I think that this is such a wonderful opening question, and you can use that with somebody who you have just met somebody you are on the first date with potentially because it's not threatening. It's actually a very inviting, very curious question, and they're also going to be receptive to what it is that you have to say. Following from this question because you are showing genuine curiosity in what they are doing in their life, but here's the wording that you need to use, which is what is something you are currently working on personally or professionally? And the reason why we're asking this is because we are really trying to explore their level of ambition, their level of self-awareness, but also how they view their own self-growth and their own nourishment. Because I sincerely believe that everybody should be growing at any point. Regardless of what stage you are in life, it doesn't matter where you are now. All it matters is where you are going. And if you are in a place of stagnation. It can feel okay for a little bit, but actually after a while it's going to get really frustrating and it's going to end up fueling a sense of resentment because I sincerely believe, and I know this is my bias, not everybody believes in it, but I am going to say it. But I sincerely believe that if you are not growing, you are dying. You might feel like it's a stagnation period, and it's kind of okay. It's just same old, but believe me, you are going to look back in time and be really, really resentful. And the number of couples that I have worked with who have been together for 10, 20, 30 years, and they look back and they say, Hey, we actually didn't grow together. We didn't do anything that was really cultivating our own. Nourishment, our own nurturing process. We actually didn't go through that, and that is where resentment builds up. So watch out for ambition, self-awareness, growth, and also listen out to their language in terms of how they're taking accountability. So are they really reflecting on themselves and taking accountability of saying, Hey, you know what? I felt like I was struggling in this area and uh, you know, I really wanted to improve myself because I received this feedback about my work and. I just really want to be able to go up to the next step, listen out for language around self-belief. So it could be, you know what? I do believe that I am capable of better things. I'm dev. I'm capable of being a manager in this organization, or I'm capable of starting up my own business, but I just don't know how. And I asked for help. I asked for support. So I went to mentoring. I had coaching. All of this will give you signals in terms of, okay, first of all, they're account, they're taking accountability. They're being responsible because they've taken up their own action. They have self-belief because they believe that they can achieve more, that it can be better, but also you listen out for humility. So humility is, I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know what I was doing. I needed help. And so I asked for it, and that's also really important. But also with the humility, you do get a sense of, well. Can they recognize that their past methods were unhelpful and therefore they're wanting to improve because all of these are signs in how they would also be in the relationship. So if they are able to take accountability, they're self-aware, they're able to ex to express humility. These are really good qualities and characteristics in an individual, and hopefully that could also be applied to a relationship. Okay. Second question is, who do you feel closest to right now in your life? Who do you feel closest to right now in your life? This, again, I love it. It's such a great question for opening doors, because you are. Uncovering relational depth and emotional vulnerability. So relational depth is you are looking at who they're closest with, and you are also looking at what that relationship looks like and how deep they are with a person. So actually, do they have a couple of friends or family members or whoever it is in their life, but they have a couple, you know, maybe two, three. Four people that they're very, very close with, and they are there for life with these people, and they're a champion for these people. These people are a champion for them, and they have that genuine sense of knowingness with one another as opposed to having. A ton of people, a ton of friends, but actually only knowing them really surface level and they just go out drinking on the weekend, for example. So, so what kind of relationship dynamics they have and what relational depth they have. But also when you are asking this question, who do you feel closest to right now in your life? You are really looking for emotional vulnerability because they are going to start uncovering, well, you know what, I'm really close to my friend person X, and that's because. They really helped me out when I was struggling with my work or I was really stressed and you know, they would just ask me out for a coffee and it just felt easy. Or, you know, my friend would take me to the gym and even when I really didn't wanna go, but that was really helpful and that was the thing that I needed and I couldn't see it. And when you are listening to these stories, you are really looking at their quality of connection because the quality of connection that they have with other people. Is likely to also transfer to what their quality of connection would be like in their friendship and also, uh, in their relationship, sorry, their romantic relationship because, you know, usually the way that we are in our friendships, there is something in that that will be transferred into a romantic relationship. And so really you are looking for the quality of the connections, the depth of the connection, and also the emotional safety. Okay. Question number three, how do you handle conflict? Or, this one's a bit of a tricky one, and this one can also be almost like, uh, something that's, you know, hidden in plain sight, right? Because often when we talk about how we handle conflict, we all. Like to see ourselves in a good light. We all like to say, well, you know what? Handle conflict by talking about it and by checking in with the other person. And you know, communication is really important. A lot of people will say that, and I. I would argue only a handful of people are really capable of that because actually conflict can really elicit a lot of anxiety. And most people would go one of two ways. They would either shut down and they won't say anything, and they'll be really quiet and they'll make themselves smaller. Or the other way is that they will explode and they will become really defensive or they'll be really attacking. Because they're wanting to protect themselves somehow, but they just don't know how to handle that conflict. So when you are asking how do you usually handle conflict, sometimes the response that you get might not necessarily accurately depict the truth, but. What you're really looking out for are a couple of things. You're looking out for how they talk about the conflict. So not necessarily how they respond, but you are talk. But what you are looking out for is the tone of voice. So if you notice them shying away and saying like, oh, well, you know, I, I, I like to, you know, I like to talk about it. And if, if they're talking about it in that way to you. You can hear my tone of voice is quite shy, is going inwards, and chances are that person is more likely to shut down. They cognitively know. They mentally know that discussion is important, but emotionally they really struggle with it, and so they might have a risk of shutting down. Which is okay, but it just means that we need to have a conversation of how do we handle conflict. On the other side though, if somebody, the response was saying, oh, well, you know, I just, I can't deal with conflict, or, um, oh, do you know what, like some people really annoying when they. Uh, you know, when we're in disagreement and they just won't hear me out, or if they're, if they're responding with that tone, chances are they are more likely to be on the explosive side. So they're either going to end up being on the defensive or the offensive. So either defensive or attacking, and that can be really challenging. So. The things that you're looking out for is not just what they say but how they say it. And you might also wanna ask them for an example. So when was the last time you had a conflict with somebody that you cared about, and how did that get resolved? Or how did you resolve conflict at work? What happened there? And you know what you are listening out for are things like reflection, accountability, how they engage in the conflict or disengage from the conflict, but you're really looking out for their tone of voice when they are responding. Okay? Question number four. What is something you have learn from a past relationship? Ooh. I think this is such a big juicy question, and I would decide when you place this, so you might not wanna ask that person on the first state of. Your relationship and like, you know, when you are meeting somebody, it might not be the first thing that comes to mind, but it might be something that comes to mind, you know, a few dates and a few months in because what you are really looking for there is. What they have gained and what they have developed and how they have matured as a consequence of past relationships. So we're not here to judge. We're not here to finger point. We're not here to blame anyone for anything. That is not a game I wanna play or that I advocate anybody to play. If you are playing the blame game, you shouldn't be in the room. But what you're really asking for is what have you learned? So you are really looking out for. How they have been able to reflect how they've been able to take their own accountability. And this is what I mean. So instead of them saying, oh, my partner was crazy, my partner was X, Y, and Z. Actually listen out for language when they are saying. Well, I didn't protect myself enough, or I was really vulnerable in these moments when I shouldn't have been, or I was really harsh and I feel awful because I did X, Y, and Z and you know, I, I shouldn't have done these things. But you know what I did and I, I just, I dunno what, you know, I, I feel really bad for my partner and I am remorseful and I've tried to correct it in a, B and C methods. So what you are really looking out for is how they take on accountability, how they have developed, how they have also grown. And within this, you are also looking for emotional intelligence. So emotional intelligence is really this metric of how is it that they have been able to regulate their emotions, take ownership over their emotions, as opposed to blaming other people or outsourcing their emotions or relying on other people to make them feel better. So that's something that you're really looking out for. Okay. Question number five. Now, this question is probably only for the brave, but I think it's a really important one. What is something that really matters to you that not everyone understands? Ooh, I want you to sit with that one. What is something that really matters to you that not everyone understands? This question really invites vulnerability and authenticity. And here's something for you to keep in mind. The person that is in front of you when you are asking this question, they might not immediately come up with the answer right there and then, um, they might say, Ooh, that's a bit of a big one. And there might be a pause or they might say something. Um, but chances are they'll actually come up with something else later on and the thing that comes up later on, that's the real thing. So, just as an example, you might ask, you might ask the question of what's something that really matters to you that nobody understands? And it could be. Uh, exercise. Let's say somebody just says, you know what, I really like exercise and nobody gets it in terms of, um, how much I really, really love doing this. And, uh, it, it, it's something that really fuels me. It's something that's really important to me, but I feel like I'm just getting pulled from all directions, from work, family, friends, other demands, and nobody gets the fact that I just want some time on my own, for example. That might be, uh, the first thing that comes to mind to them, but after a while, it might actually be, well, you know what, I, I know that I said earlier that exercise is something that really matters to me, that not everyone understands. Um, but it's actually not just the exercise, it's actually the fact that I'm there on my own and, and I don't have my phone on me, and it's just quiet and it's just me with my thoughts and I feel. All alone, but there's something peaceful in that loneliness. And I just feel safe when I'm on my own. And that's the bit, right? That's the key nugget that you are looking out for, and that's the thing that's vulnerable, but it's also authentic. So I, I mean, I just gave you an example there, but you might have a lot of different things that come up. So it might be something like their religion, it might be their faith, it might be their work, it might be their external projects. It might be charitable giving. It might be a bunch of different things, but really listen out for their depth, their integrity, and their openness when it comes to this question. Okay. Number six. How do you usually take care of yourself when life gets stressful? Beautiful question, and I think it's such an easy one to ask at any point in the relationship whether you are new to dating this person or if you've been with one another for a very long time. How do you take care of yourself when life gets stressful? And this is really important because it's important that you know that they know how to cope. You know that they know how to regulate their emotions. So they say, oh, you know what? When I'm really stressed, I go out for a run and I feel loads better afterwards. Or I speak to my friends and I'm good as gold, or I go to therapy and everything's fine. So you can see, hey, you can handle your own emotions. Great. You've got coping mechanisms and strategies. Fantastic. So that's one side of it, but also. It's good for you to know, because let's say you are with this person for a very long time, or this relationship evolves and if something is stressful, and, uh, if, if you can see that they're struggling. You can then signpost them to that thing. So part of being in a relationship, sure you are there, you're supporting one another. That's really important. But there's also a fine line between when you are supporting them because you are wanting them to be okay and you are available for them versus you rescuing them. So the fine line is. What it is that you can do given your capacity, but also it's helping them help themselves so that you are not sacrificing your entire life because you're spending the whole time supporting them. So you help them to the level that you can, but you also signpost them to what it is that they need. So for example, if they say, oh, you know what? Going for a run really makes me feel better, then you can say, Hey. I'm here for you. Um, why don't we have a chat, have a cup of tea, and go for a run in half an hour's time. See how I feel then? So you're doing your bit, but you are also signposting them to what it is that they need. Okay? Question number seven. Oh, this gets more and more intense promise. Question number seven, what are your thoughts on commitment and what does it mean to you? So. This really gets down to the root of what their relationship values are. So how do they view commitment? What does that mean? What is it that you would expect from me and what is it that I can expect from you? So it's, I think it's nicer than asking. What are you looking for?'cause that's a question that a lot of us might ask when we're first starting to date somebody. But really when you are asking about what are your thoughts on commitment, you are really seeing what stage in life they are at. So are they wanting to commit or not? Uh, or are they open to it? So, so where is it right now, but also what does it actually look like? So would it mean that we are sharing the same. Religious values, the same spiritual values? Does it mean that we are spending our days hiking? Does it mean that we are cooking evening meals together and that we live together immediately? Or is it after a few years? Is it that I have a relationship with your family and you have relationship with mine? What does the commitment actually look for and how would it feel? To have that commitment. So what you are really looking out for is alignment. So the picture that they paint in terms of what commitment looks like, how does that compare with your picture of what commitment looks like? Are they compatible? Are they complimentary with one another? But also what you're looking out for is, well, if you are expecting. This outta a partner. So if you're expecting your partner to be, um, friends with your family, for example, or to be close and connected with your friends, uh, if you're expecting your partner to be able to, uh, be available for you every evening, making dinner, then. Where would you be as well? Because then I can figure out what I would be expecting of you. So, so really you are looking at what it is that they expect in their view, but also what you would expect from them. And you are listening out for clarity. You are listening out for how hesitant they are. You are also looking out for how intentional they are. So what efforts have they made to cultivate that life before they're inviting? You into commitment. So have they cultivated a really good, uh, relationship with their family? Have they cultivated a good friendship network? And these are things that are really important. And so when they're inviting you to commitment, they're also saying, Hey, these are also some things that would be involved in the commitment. So how, how much have they already taken those steps? Because that is the life that they're wanting to lead. And you are the. Missing puzzle piece, so to say, of their life and vice versa. Okay. Question number eight. What would your closest friend say is your greatest strength and maybe your biggest challenge? So what would your closest friend say is your greatest strength and your biggest challenge? And this is kind of a playful question. But it also encourages self-reflection and honesty. So I might say, oh, well, my closest friend says that my greatest strength is that I'm funny. Clearly you wouldn't know this by this, but anyway, you know, uh, they might say, oh, well you're funny. But at the same time, it's really hard for people to take seriously because they don't know when you are joking and when you are actually wanting them to hear you. And so. That in itself gives you some level of information as to where you can judge yourself or place yourself with this person. And also it gives you some insight into what they're like and it gives you insight into how self-reflective they are, but also it gives you information and you can then decide where it is that you want to go with this and how that. Fits with you, how complimentary you are to one another and how compatible you are. Question number nine, if life went well exactly as you planned over the next five years, what would it look like? So ask them to paint a picture of what their perfect life would look like in five years time. Uh, and there's a couple of things look out for here. Let's say if you are on a first date with somebody and they're saying, oh, well, it would be with you by my side. I would be a little bit, uh, nervous, let's say about that response, because that is a huge level of commitment on the first state, and that could be a big sign of love bombing. Um, it could be sign of, you know, uh, starts of a trauma bond and it's, it's potentially something that's a big red flag. Um. But you know, really you're looking out for other things. So for example. Where would they be working? How would they be spending their weekends? What would their friends be like? What would they be doing? What is their contact with their family? Would they have kids if they already don't have kids? Like, you know, you are really looking at it from a bigger perspective, and what you are wanting to do is really compare it with your vision board. So if you don't have a vision board. Please make one. And if you've not thought about your life or what it would look like or what you'd hope in the next few years, five years, let's say, please start doing that and don't change it based on somebody else. What you are wanting to do is you're wanting to see how they map onto each other, how they fit, and are they complimentary. That's ultimately what you're wanting to do, because more often than not, I see people where they will start changing their vision board. Immediately based on what that person said, just because it fills them with excitement, it activates their nervous system. But actually you are then starting to. Play a role that isn't yours. You are starting to become somebody who isn't you, and you are losing your sense of authenticity in that moment. So please stay authentic to yourself, stay true to yourself, and just see what their vision is for their life. And compare and contrast and you know, you are really looking for stability and you're looking for shared future values. And finally question number 10, which is, in my opinion, the most important question is, have you been to therapy? And what is the biggest lesson that you've learned? Hmm. The reason why I would ask this, and I, I get it, it might be a really, uh, intrusive or maybe invasive question, and some people might not be. Okay asking this. But I do think it's a really important one, and I challenged a client actually to ask this question on a date, and uh, the client felt really uncomfortable about asking this because they said, well, oh, you know, I don't want anything to do with pathology. Like, you know, if they've been to therapy, oh my goodness. Like I definitely don't want that because then, you know what, if they're struggling with alcoholism or drug abuse, or if they're struggling with trauma or. X, Y and Z, they can't regulate themselves, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like she just gave me a whole list of reasons as to why she wouldn't wanna be with somebody who had been to therapy or who was in therapy. And I looked at her and I said, well, what are you doing? What are you doing with me? You're in therapy right now. Um, but here's my point. When you ask that question, it gives you a heck of a lot of insight because number one, if they say yes. Then you can figure out, well, what is it that they were struggling with? Because if they were struggling with some really serious mental health issues, then you can make a judgment in terms of, well, where are they on their recovery journey? Have they recovered to a point where they are healthy, they are fit, they are mentally fit, and they are capable of having a relationship and that works for you where you are not a savior. It also gives you insight as to whether they are still struggling, uh, whether they're struggling with traits of, uh, psychopathy, sociopathy, whether they are struggling with any kind of addiction, trauma, whatever it is. Like, are they still in that point where actually you might have to consider. What is your next step, whether or not you continue this relationship? How fast you go in this relationship, where you place yourself, your expectations of yourself in terms of looking after them or caring for them. You know that that invites a whole bunch of questions. So actually asking that question of have you been to therapy and what have you learned? That's something that's super important'cause it gives you insight into where they are. But also if they said no and. If the response was, Hey, you know what? Um, no, I just don't feel like I need it. I don't feel like I've ever needed it. I would also actually see that as a bit of a pink to red flag. And the reason for this is this, and I'm not saying this because I'm a psychologist. I'm saying this sincerely'cause I believe it. I believe that everybody could benefit from therapy even if it was just. A couple of sessions in their lifetime, but I believe that everybody could benefit from therapy because we all live on planet Earth. We have all come across damaging people to one extent or another, and. As a consequence, we end up absorbing some of that damage. We end up experiencing something that is not necessarily healthy, something that could potentially injure us, and even if we're, you know, globally. Okay sound. We've had a good upbringing. We've got secure attachment style. We're able to regulate our emotions. We've learned all of these skills and great, but actually if we've been to therapy, even if it was like for a couple of sessions, like I said, it's good as a maintenance. It's good to set to see somebody. And say, Hey, you know what I, I just need to just check in on this. I just need a little reflection on this. It's kind of like, you know when you're going to the gym and you've got a pt, you've got a personal trainer, and they're just making sure that you don't injure yourself, particularly if you are going up in weights or if you are trying to sprint faster than you had done before, or whatever it might be that you're doing, and you are just simply moving up a level. Well, therapy is like that as well. It helps you to just move up a level from wherever you are you are at, and so. To check if somebody has been in therapy. Great. Because you can see that they're trying to move up a level. And when you are asking them, well, what have you learned, that's also really important because then that gives you insight into how they found that experience. And it's not to say that you have to go and invade in terms of what they talked about in therapy and all of their past. And you know, that's not at all what you are asking, but what you are asking is. Well, what was your experience and did you learn something? You know, what was your biggest lesson? Was it around how you manage emotions? Was it coping mechanisms? Was it tools and techniques? Was it just, uh, processing certain experiences so that they don't repeat themselves? Like, what is it? Right? So again, you're not. Invading, but you're just simply asking, well, what was your biggest lesson? It might be, oh, well you know what? I just learned how to speak confidently and it's really served me at work, whatever it might be. But that in itself gives you some insight. Into how much they appreciate growth, how much they appreciate and recognize feedback, how they are willing to receive feedback in order to improve themselves. And this is really, really important because if you are entering a relationship with this person, or even if you've been with them for a little while, but. What you could then see is, hey, you know what, if they've been to therapy and they've learned lessons which they are able to self-reflect on, then great because whilst we're in a relationship, then perhaps they'll be more open to feedback. Or even if they can't be open to feedback from me in that moment, that's okay because actually we know that therapy is also an option and maybe they can, uh, reflect on. Whatever is going on between us in therapy and actually process it and we can then get to a healthier state. I would love to hear your feedback, your thoughts, your comments, your reflections on this episode because I know it's a bit of a different one, but I hope you have enjoyed it. Until next time, take care.