Why Smart People Stay Stuck in Unhappy Relationships (And How to Break Free)

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello and welcome back to this video. Today we are going to be talking about this issue of why you might be staying stuck in an unhappy. Relationship. And unfortunately I see this time and time again where people are successful, they're intelligent, they're entrepreneurs, business owners, that is my client population group. And when they come to me, they'll say, you know what? I've been with my partner for so many years, decades in some cases, and I'm just unhappy. I'm stuck. And I'm still staying there and I dunno why. And they'll say, well, you know, things are okay. But I'm actually really unhappy. And it's almost like they're, they're trying to fumble about, talking about reasons as to why they're staying, but when you really listen to why they're staying, it's never because I'm so madly in love with my partner and we have got the. Best love life together, and we are just so in each other's worlds all the time and we empathize so well with one another. Like it, it's never, it's never that, but you know, the reason that they might be together is, oh well, you know, it's'cause of the kids and because it's easier in the house and because, uh, you know, we've, we just know each other so well and it's just kind of easy and, you know, they'll kind of like fumble about. And it's really hard to get real reasons or in depth quality reasons as to why they stay together. But here are certain things that I want you to consider if you are in this camp. So the camp is, you have been with your partner for a period of time and things were okay. Like, you're not hating each other. You're not constantly arguing. Um, you might do, you might have blow up, uh, now and again, but things are okay and that's it. And actually there are times when you feel lonely, when you feel unhappy and you're not sure what's going on, you can't quite put your finger on it, but you are just needing that, helping hand to get you to figure out what is happening. And as I'm saying this, I really want you to keep in mind that this is not a conversation for you to immediately break up with your partner. That's not all what I'm advising, but what I'm about to talk about is really to give you food for thought is to what you want to do. And ultimately you're going to have two different options. You're going to have the option of working together and. Making that relationship successful and happy and healthy and loving and everything you want it to be, or it'll give you food for thought as to whether or not you really need to consider if you're going to stay in that relationship or if you're going to separate. So it's really a global conversation for you to consider where you want to be and what it is that would be most in service to you. Okay, so I'm going to ask you to think about three different main points that will really get the juices flowing and really get you to consider some important points. Okay, the first point is identify your hidden payoff. Now, usually when we are in this problematic stagnant state in the relationship, we are there because we are avoiding something else, and by avoiding. The pain, the potential pain of staying or potential pain of going, right?'cause we're indecisive in this moment. We believe that by avoiding that pain, we are gaining something. But really all that's happening is that we're avoiding potential pain, that we aren't entirely clear as to whether or not it really is there. So it makes sense when you're in this moment, but when I'm talking about it objectively right now, it actually might sound really confusing. So for example, it might be asking yourself, well, what's my. Gaining, what am I getting by staying stuck in this relationship? What benefit am I having by remaining here? Is it because I'm avoiding loneliness? Is it because I'm avoiding potential issues financially? And what it would mean if we separate and dividing wealth and assets? Is it because I. Don't want to just be a weekend parent or that I would have to share custody. What is it that I am getting by remaining stuck in this relationship? I. What am I gaining? Is it that I'm maintaining this image, that I am in this happy and healthy, wonderful marriage relationship, and I've got my life all put together? Is it that I'm avoiding judgment from other people and questions? What is it? Why? What is it that I believe that I'm gaining by remaining in this situation? And when you. Recognize that. I want you to then start questioning, well, is this absolutely true? Is it true that I would be lonely if I left, and therefore me staying means that I avoid loneliness and that I gain connection? Is that really true? Is the opposite true that by staying I gain connection? Like, what is the real truth around this? So I want you to challenge these hidden payoffs and challenge it on both sides. So I'll, I'll give you a clear cut example. I. Both sides is really challenging, whether it's true and if the opposite is also true. So for example, if you're asking yourself, well, what is the gain that I am benefiting by remaining stuck in this relationship? And let's say if you answer is, well, I avoid being lonely by staying. So then I would ask, well, is it absolutely true that you would be lonely if you left? Could be a yes or no. Or it could be a percentage. Well, it might be true 50% of the time. Okay. And then I'd be asking yourself, well, is it true that if you stayed, you would be the opposite of lonely, so you would feel connected? Is that true? And again, it could be yes or no, or it could be a percentage. So please consider that. Is the hidden payoff really true? Next point for you to consider is really how it is that you challenge certain beliefs that are associated with the problems that you're experiencing in this relationship and your ability to fix this. Now, more often than not, particularly in high achievers, particularly in business owners, particularly in entrepreneurs, particularly people who are able to. Put things together to find solutions to work through the mess who have got grit. Particularly in those people, if you're one of these people, you tend to have a mindset where you believe, I should be able to fix this. I should be able to own this. And you very easily take on responsibility over anything and everything under the sun and you. Take action. You would literally be Superman. If you could be Superman, like you would be a superhero in that moment, right? So. Um, more often than not, there's this hidden underlying belief of, I should be able to fix this if we are stuck, if things are unhappy, if it feels just a little bit miserable, I'm not entirely sure what's going on, and oh, it's a bit stagnant. I should be able to fix this and I can fix this. I will just book a load of holidays. I'll be more intimate. Maybe I'll make things more exciting in the relationship. Maybe I'll do more in terms of childcare, in terms of the housework, I will do, I will do, I will do, I will make sure that my partner is happy. I will book in therapy, I'll book in coaching, whatever it is, but it, it's a lot of, I'm going to fix this and it'll be fine, right? If you're experiencing this, I invite you to challenge. That belief of I should be able to fix this. And the reason why I'm saying this is not because you can't fix this and not because you can't have any impact in improving the relationship. Of course you can. Everybody can take steps in improving their relationship, but I want you to really ask yourself, does this. Effort, really have that level of impact that I'm looking for. Is this effort of me doing this whole heap of things really going to change the dynamic of the relationship? Is me pouring more in really going to create and cultivate co-regulation, which I'm looking for? Is it really going to cultivate connection? Is this level of effort really going to equal this level of result that I'm wanting? Because relationships don't tend to work like that. Relationships tend to be a lot more nuanced, and it's not a simple equation. If I do X, then Y will be the outcome that isn't quite the case. And. The truth is that the tools that you need now might be different to the tools that you needed five years ago in that relationship or in your previous relationships. If similar issues have come up and you need to update your tools, as your relationship is getting updated, you need to be able to grow and manage. Difficulties in a different way because you are different and your partner is different. You have both grown together. You've both had new experiences together, you have had new thoughts, new belief systems in place, and so you are needing a new approach to be able to fix this, to resolve some of the issues in your relationship. You are going to need something new to go from being. In a space of stagnation with your partner to being in a space of growth and healing and really being able to feel fulfilled that you are creating something that is meaningful. Now and meaningful for where you want to go, because what is meaningful now might be different to what was meaningful a few years back or a few months back even. And that's okay. You just need to update the program. You need to update the tools so that you are able to have that relationship that still feels meaningful and nur nurturing Now. I'm saying this with a caveat of you have to be capable of doing that and so does your partner. Okay, so maybe you need some assistance, maybe you need some help, maybe you need some coaching or some therapy. And if you are needing help, feel free to reach out to me. I am more than willing to have a conversation about this and support you. And there are a couple of slots available as well if you are looking for this. But that is something that I would highly recommend and. Finally, my final practical tip of the day is really assess your relationship and gain clarity on. Certain areas and here are the main areas that I'm going to be talking about. Right? So there are five main areas that I really invite you to consider and to assess as to where you are in terms of the feeling of stuckness, the feeling of stagnation and being unhappy, but also whether it's got potential. So maybe you want to write this out in two columns. So the first column is a rating one out of 10 where you are at the moment. And the second column is, does it have the ability to improve? Does it have the potential and the viability to improve? Okay? And you can also do that as a scale, uh, as a just general yes or no, does it have the ability to improve? Okay, so five areas that I want you to assess and to rate. The first one is trust. Where are you on trust? One outta 10 and. Whatever the number is, does it have space to move? The second one is communication. Where are you? One out of 10. And when I'm saying communication, I'm not, say, I'm not suggesting the, oh, you are right. Things. Okay. But you know, I'm, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about how well are you able to have those hard conversations, those conversations that you're avoiding, that your partner's avoiding, but actually the, they're the conversations that you need to have. How good is your communication? How well are you able to argue in a healthy way? Rate that one out of 10. Third is emotional safety. How safe do you feel with your partner, one out of 10, and does it have space to improve? Fourth is connection. Now. Connection is really that feeling of regardless of where my partner is and whether they're busy at work, whether I'm busy at work, whether we are really entangled with the details of the day-to-day, the mess of life, but actually. Can we come together and we feel connected. We feel that sense of home and that sense of peace with one another, that sense of belonging with one another within one another. We feel that empathy and that compassion within the empathy with one another. How well connected are we? One out. And do we have space to improve that? Yes or no? You can consider what might need, what might be needed to improve that, but you know for now, yes or no. And then number five is your shared goals. Do you have shared goals? One out of 10, and I'm not expecting a full 10 on this one, but do you have shared goals? And actually it's a scope for improvement where you can have certain goals aligning with one another. And now that you've done your rating and you've looked at yes or no in terms of whether or not they could be improved, then I want you to think about caveats. Well, it could be improved if these things were in place. Trust could be improved if we went to therapy, or communication could be improved if we learnt skills as to how to have those difficult conversations and to feel safe while we're having them. Or connection could be improved if. We spent more intentional and dedicated time with one another. So really think about the caveats of what might be needed in order for you to improve. Now, I really hope that this exercise has given you more clarity as to what you want to do, what your next steps are in the relationship, because you might not have the exact answer as to whether you can work on it and improve it and make things better, or if you actually just need to walk away, you might not know the answer to that. And that's a big decision by the way. But at the very least, you can then start to think about what it is that you are really wanting and how it is that you can go from stuck to unstuck. Because believe me, being stuck, particularly if you are stuck for a very long time, is not going to be doing you any favors. Actually. You are going to be wasting more time and you are going to be looking back at that period in life. With re with a lot of regrets, with full regrets, and you are going to be really devastated that you didn't take action sooner, whatever the action is, and perhaps this is really time for you to think about, well, maybe I can start to implement some of these things and if things improve, then great. That's my answer. And if not, well then that's great as well because that's my answer too. I know what I want and need.'cause believe me, in life you are only ever going to get one of two things. You are either going to get the results that you've always wanted or you are going to get the lesson that you have needed. And until next time, please take care of yourselves and please take care of your loved ones and I love you all. Take care, and I'll see you soon.