Understanding Attachment Styles and Healing

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Hello and welcome back my friends. If you dunno who I am, I'm Dr. Sarah, relationship psychologist, helping incredible women have happy and healthy, secure relationships. Let's get started. What our attachment styles and why is it that we have different attachment styles? How do these show up in our relationships? How does it affect the way that we love, but also receive love? Your attachment style is. So important for you to understand because the more that you understand your own personal attachment style, that is really when you can start navigating relationships in a happier and healthier way If you are operating from a place of insecurity. It is going to be incredibly difficult for you to ever feel like you've got a secure relationship and you might get glimpses of security. But if you are insecure in your own attachment style, then guess what? Your relationships will also feel insecure, and that's simply because you feel like you are treading water. You feel like you have to change and adjust yourself in order to maintain that relationship. Let's get started. What. Our attachment styles. So essentially this is the way that we bond with another human being and it involves a whole heap of beliefs that we have about ourself, about the partner that we have, or about the person that's in front of us. It is beliefs that we have about how valuable we are, how it is that we are capable of being loved, and what it is that we need to do or not do in order to be loved and appreciated. And essentially these templates are developed from early childhood, so depending on how it is that your parents or caregivers would've treated you. That would've influenced your adulthood attachment style if you had caregivers who were inconsistent in their care, so they had a lot of love, but at the same time they weren't emotionally capable, or they weren't emotionally available in the way that you needed them to, or if they had conditions for the way that they loved you. So if you were expected to do really well in school, if you were expected to constantly help other people, if those expectations were placed on you. Then chances are you would've developed an internal belief system of I can be loved, I can potentially experience this, but I have to work really, really hard. I have to prove my worth. I have to prove my value, and I have to help other people. I have to prioritize other people in order to be loved. And that's simply because of these connections that you built as a child, as you were experiencing these situations with how you got loved. And this. Physically gets imprinted in neural circuits in your brain and nervous system, so you keep looping around that particular style or that way of being loved again and again and again, and there is no escaping from that. It becomes very, very entrapping. And what I described there would be an anxiously attached individual, but let's say for example, if you had an upbringing where your parents weren't available for you, or there was neglect, or they weren't able to hold emotions, they weren't able to care at all, and actually everything felt very functional. Emotions were never talked about. Vulnerability was never expressed. You always had to crack on with it. Emotions were kind of pointless. And actually you got shouted at if you cried, if that was the case. Or let's say if somebody was completely absent and one of the parents completely left the household, or you felt completely rejected. If those were your experiences, chances are you might develop an avoidant attachment style, and that's whereby you as a child, start questioning, well, can I be loved? Am I really lovable just the way that I am? I don't think I am, because even the people who are would've expected to stick around for me. Didn't. And so what we then end up believing is that I'm not worthy of love and people will eventually leave. People will eventually abandon me, and I'll be left on my own. So I can only ever rely on myself. And in that sense, you become hyper independent. And actually as an adult, when you grow up, you have a need for closeness because that's a basic human need, like water, like food, like shelter. So you do need affection. You do need love. But at the same time, you also believe that any love or any affection will eventually result in tragedy or it being removed from you. And so you want to have connections, but you actually keep people at arms length and you keep a distance from other people, so you connect with them if it's slight and easy on surface level. But if at any point things get too deep, then actually you just want to check out and you completely avoid that contact. And so. Tho, those are two main insecure attachment styles. We've also got a third insecure attachment style called disorganized. And disorganized is essentially a mix of the anxious and the avoidant. It is when you really want to be with somebody, you are craving affection, you are craving love, and you might be clinging onto your partner for dear life in the fear of being abandoned. But at the same time, if there is a sign of any misalignment or if there's a sign that they're not happy with you or there's a sign that they might check out, then you end up going into full a avoidant mode. And so there is this huge push and pull dynamic. So one minute you are clinging on for dear life. The other moment you are really disconnecting and really pushing your partner away, even to the point where actually you are very punitive and rejecting of them. You might appear to be very cold and. Understanding your attachment style is so important because if you do have an insecure attachment style, you are likely to fall into one of these three categories, so that be anxious, where you really want to be loved, but you believe you have to work incredibly hard to be loved so you are loved, or your worthiness of being loved is conditional upon you doing all of these different things, and that's the only way that you could ever receive love. So that might be one thing. And so when you've got your partner, you are constantly seeking reassurance that they care and love for you. You are constantly adjusting yourself, muting yourself, dampening yourself, making yourself smaller so that you are not a burden, but you essentially embody all of your partner's qualities and you try to be more like them or more. Like what you believe they want you to be that would be anxious. You've got the avoidant where you keep people's arms length, and then you've got the disorganized where you are essentially a mix of the anxious and the avoidant Now. Um, all of these insecure attachment styles really do develop from early childhood. Occasionally they can start emerging during adulthood, particularly if you've had a very traumatic relationship or if you've experienced a trauma bond. And that's when it becomes really, really challenging and very hard to escape from. So that is when you've had a, a very intense relationship with somebody and you've. Felt all the highs and all the love, all the euphoria, and you felt like you were on top of the world. But then you came crashing down and you had this cycle of highs and lows where you didn't know where you stood with the person, and it just got further and further, deeper and deeper into that dark cycle. That would be a trauma bond. And actually, if you've experienced that, then yes, that can change your attachment style as well from going to secure. Where you felt like you were worthy, you had a good, happy, healthy relationship with your parents and everything was well, but then you actually enter some insecure attachment style. So that can also happen during adulthood, but also also for you to recognize is that if you have got an insecure attachment style, you can never have a secure relationship style. With the way that you are, because if you are insecure, then you are bringing insecurity to the table and. We can absolutely change that insecure attachment style, which is good news because we know that we can change it based on our subconscious level, but also on our neurological wiring. So all of these attachment styles and this way of relating to people gets literally imprinted into the brain and the nervous system. And so your brain and nervous system are geared for stress and they're geared for threat. If you've experienced negative, harmful relationships. In the past and so. What happens is that you bring that forward until it is healed. And so really if we are able to change that imprinting in your brain and your nervous system, and also from a subconscious level, then that is really when we are able to bring secure attachment style to the table. And thank goodness for neuroplasticity, because we know that we can absolutely change the structure of your brain and also your nervous system. So how do we do this Well. Uh, I mean we've, we've got an entire program where we talk about this in a lot of detail, but just to go from high level, what is necessary is that we first identify the attachment style because you can't change something that you don't know about. So that's something that's necessary. And then we start recognizing what are the deeper core wounds around this. So the deep core wounds is really what is driving my way. Of relating to other people like this. So I'll give you an example. If you are an avoidant attachment style individual, then chances are your deep core wound is really around being abandoned, and you are able to identify this because you can see how it's that you relate to other people. And if you ask yourself a question, what is it that I'm most scared of? If somebody loved me. And you just listened and you really quiet in hearing that chances are. The thing that would come up with is I'm really scared that they would just leave me, or I'm really scared that they don't actually love me. If they knew the real me, they would never love me. They do not have the capacity to love me, and so eventually they will leave. And if that's the case, then actually your core wound is around other people leaving, other people not being able to love you, and that actually, if anybody did know the real you, then they wouldn't like you. And so this is something that's really important for you to consider. Or let's say, for example, if you are anxiously attached and you are asking the same question, what would be my biggest fit if somebody loved me the way that I am? And really take this question seriously.'cause most people will just excuse it and say, no, I'll be happy. Um, but if you ask yourself, what is the thing that I'm most scared of? If somebody loved me the way that I am and you were quiet and you listen to the answer, chances are it'll come up with, well, they don't really love me for who I really am, and I have to work really hard to be this person. And. I don't know if I'm good enough the way that I am, and actually I'm really scared that if they found out who I really am, then they might criticize me or they might leave me anyway because actually they just don't like it. And so all of these things really then start to expose what your wounds are. But you really have to start from the point of questioning yourself. What is my biggest fear? Around being exposed, what is my biggest fear around somebody? Really seeing who I truly am and this idea of love being brought into the picture. Can I be loved for who I really am? And when you are really exploring these questions, that's really what's going to show you the deeper wounds that's happening under the surface. And once you can consider that, then you can really start to lean into when was this created? And so you'll notice that there would be patterns of when this is created back in your early childhood or other experiences in life. And there are so many different techniques and strategies, but essentially what we're trying to do is we're trying to. Make sure that those experiences are first off healed from a nervous system point of view and from a neurological point of view, so that your nervous system is not going into fight or flight.'cause often what happens is that if you've experienced a wound. Or a trauma, whether it be a significant trauma or a small trauma. But if you've experienced all of these things, it would be imprinted in your nervous system because your nervous system is constantly trying to heal itself. It's constantly trying to solve this wound that was created, even if it was created 50 years ago, it's still trying to solve it and it's still trying to heal it, and so we actually have to give it that attention in order to heal. So. We have to track back, when did I first experience this wound? Heal that part of your nervous system. Heal that part of your neurology so that you are regulated, that it no longer rears its head when you are at least expecting it. And by the way, you'll know this if you, for example, notice this feeling of anxiety coming up in your body, in your heart, in your chest, in your throat, in your stomach. If, if you experience that tension when you are. In a relationship with somebody. And you might interpret it as butterflies, you might interpret it as excitement or you might interpret it as dread. But if you notice that physical sensation and kind of being activated the moment that there is a question of whether or not they're going to be seeing you that day, or if they are late in responding to you, if they don't show up the way that you expected them to, if, if these things happen and it creates anxiety in you, that's when you know that there is something that is yet to be healed. But first off, we need to heal that. And then second thing is that we really then need to start rebuilding your self-worth because actually your self-worth got shattered. At that point of the wound being created, your sense of how good enough am I for people to stick around or people to want to be with me? That got shattered. And so it is necessary that we are really able to support and understand that, that we are able to grow your sense of worth because your sense of worth is infinite. It's part of the universe. It is not based on one person or one person's opinion. It is something that we would absolutely need. To rebuild so that you can come from a place of stability so that you know that you are good enough just the way that you are, and life will then just be a mirror. And so from this point, then you are really able to regulate your emotions, and then it becomes a lot easier for you to communicate your needs, to communicate boundaries, to uphold yourself, but also to know that safety doesn't lie in somebody else, but safety lies in you. And so when you've done this work. It, you become a lot clearer because you've done this work and you can see other people or other partners for who they are and how they are. And once you are secure, then you can only ever attract somebody who is also securely at, uh, securely attached because. Actually, you would not have room for someone who is avoidant or anxious or disorganized, detached, and, and that's simply because you come from a place where you can see things clearly. You are no longer clouded by all of this maze or this mental maths of trying to figure out, do they like me? Do they not like me? Am I good enough? Do I have to do this or do that? Like, how is it that I can navigate this? How is it that I can avoid getting criticized, avoid getting abandoned, avoid getting hurt. And and you, you're no longer having to deal with all of those questions because you just know that you are good enough just the way that you are. And you have literally removed all of those fares and you've understood those fares so well that you are able to navigate through them with ease and with flow. So. Upholding boundaries becomes easy. Communicating becomes easy. Uh, screening other people when you are dating them, that becomes a lot easier as well. But it's really about going inside of yourself as opposed to going outside because all of this healing work has to be within you. It is not external to you. You are not healing via a third party, but actually this is all something that has to be embodied in you. If you have enjoyed anything that we've spoken about today, please share this with a friend or a family member because if you found it useful, I bet you that one of them will be too. And if any of this resonates with you and you are wanting some support, please get in touch. Until next time, take care of yourself.