Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely LOVE to be together and the ones who merely tolorate each other in their old age? I always want to run up to the cute old couples who still hold hands while walking down the street and ask them all their secrets to relationship success. This podcast gives me the opportunity to do just that!
I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to 4 kids, weekly podcaster and relationship and intimacy expert/enthusiast. I help couples ditch the resentment and roommate syndrome and increase communication, connection and commitment, so they can write and live out their happily ever after love story. If that sounds like something you want, this podcast is absolutely for YOU!
Each week, I'm teasing out the principles that keep couples hopelessly devoted and intoxicatingly in love with each other for a lifetime and beyond. I'm searching high and low for the secrets of happily ever after and sharing those secrets with you right here. Sound marriage advice for Christian couples who want to live happily ever after and achieve a truly intimate friendship and passionate partnership, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it!
Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
Money Matters: Navigating Finances as a Couple with Nate and Bethany Smith
Money often causes tension in relationships, but it doesn't have to. Nate and Bethany Smith share their expertise on creating financial harmony through better communication, understanding each other's money stories, and developing shared goals.
• Understanding your partner's "money story" helps build empathy and reduces financial conflict
• Creating a "spending and savings plan" feels more empowering than a restrictive budget
• Pay yourself first by prioritizing savings before other expenses
• Rule of 72 shows how your money doubles (divide 72 by your interest rate)
• Teaching kids early money habits and the time value of money sets them up for success
• Changing your environment (walks, weekend getaways) creates better financial conversations
• Awareness of where money goes and having a plan prevents financial stress
• Having a vision for your future makes daily money decisions easier
• Understanding the psychology behind money decisions is as important as the math
Contact Nate and Bethany at @yourcashflowcouple on Instagram or visit howmoneyworks.com/NateSmith or howmoneyworks.com/BethanySmith to book a free consultation.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I'm super excited to be sitting down with some friends today. They are Nate and Bethany Smith and they are experts on money and I feel like I am not an expert on money. My husband's really good with money and whenever he tries to talk to me about it I kind of zone out a little bit and that's how we make money work in our relationship. But I know that it's a problem for a lot of couples and so I wanted to have Nate and Bethany on to just talk about maybe some like important money points, how to kind of work out differences around money, and then what are some really important things to be starting to talk about your kids, about money, so that they don't run into similar problems when they are older. So why don't you guys tell us a little bit about yourself, how you got started working with money, and we'll just go from there.
Speaker 2:Awesome.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having us today, Monica.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Yes, my pleasure.
Speaker 2:Awesome, yeah, thank you so much. Our backstory so we come to a pretty diverse background. I was in the military for 18 years, I'm still in part-time, and so that's related. You know created a life of moving a lot. We moved 11 times in the last 15 years. We've been married 15 years and we've tried a lot of different things trying to figure out the money game.
Speaker 2:When we first I first joined the military as enlisted income wasn't great and we were freshly married we were like trying to figure out how to have extra money at the end of the month to do some cool things and things like that and experiences.
Speaker 2:And we just kind of created this curiosity and so we pursued a lot of different ventures, a lot of different side hustles, just trying to make more money. But one thing we realized was just making more money wasn't enough. It's understanding what to do with the money that you're making that really makes the biggest difference. And so you just kind of led us on this journey of trying to figure it out on our own. And then we ran into our company five and a half years ago that their whole mission is teaching, education, education on how money works and it helped us a ton and understanding the other things after you make it, and we felt like we could also take on that role and become an educator and also empower and help other individuals and couples and families be able to better understand their money and how it works and so they can put themselves in a better position financially in the future.
Speaker 1:So yep, yeah, I love that. I think probably one of the biggest issues couples have around money is being able to communicate when one wants to save and one wants to spend. Do you have any like advice or like you know kind of tricks on how to kind of decide like how much money to save versus you know what is kind of spendable income?
Speaker 3:I think the first step in key really is just awareness and having the open, honest communication that hey, let's get on the same page and no blame, shame or guilt, but let's just have an open, honest conversation about where each of us is at. You know, like for he and I, we're both savers and spenders in kind of different areas, if that makes sense. Like not one of us is a complete spender in one area and a complete saver, you know, in the other. But really it's kind of having that awareness like the first thing that was so powerful for us in going through the process initially of coming on board with our company and basically going through what we call a free financial needs analysis.
Speaker 3:I found it so eye-opening and a little uncomfortable but also really empowering to just have the awareness about what's coming in and then what's going out and what are we doing with it and are we being overcharged in some areas? Are we really frivolously spending in other areas, like we often see dining out? That's been a big one for us in the past to really keep a handle and a hold of and we find a lot of couples struggles with that. But it could be anything, it could be. Pet expenses are way higher than they really should be and things like that. So really just coming to an awareness and having a willingness to work together, not assign blame, shame or guilt or judgment, but really just having that open, honest conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely. I think it just starts with communication, having also communicating about what's the vision for the life you're trying to create as well, because if you have an idea of the end in mind or kind of where you're trying to go, what you're trying to create, that's also going to help a lot of the decisions that you're making about you know whether you're a saver, you're a spender. Try to get on the same page, trying to find that middle ground over. Okay, we can save, we can save, but we can also spend and kind of figure out where that's at. But if you have a vision for the future, I think it also helps both of you get on the same page as far as what you need to do, because ultimately, to create that better future, going your money and if you spend it all, you won't be able to build a future. So I think those are some key starting points.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, I have a confession to make. We have never had a budget, so we've both just. You know, like when we have discussions about money, it's like, okay, we're doing okay here, or we need to spend less here, or whatever. But we neither of us have ever, like had to stick to a budget. And I feel very blessed actually, because normally if I need money for something, it's there. But what do you recommend as far as a budget?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I I don't really I don't. I personally like to call it a budget, I like to call it a spending plan and a savings plan. A plan just having a plan for your money is really what it comes down to, but basically it's just understanding where your money's going. It doesn't necessarily have to be a sit like a super detailed, written down, step-by-step budget. It could just be a general okay, we're committed to saving this much and whatever's left over we can do whatever we want with. So just kind of figure out what works for you.
Speaker 2:But the biggest thing is you got to make sure that you're not running out of money every single month and that you are putting money away for the things that are important. I think that's the most important thing overall. Obviously, if you're living paycheck to paycheck and things are tight, then you're going to need to take that discipline to really have a budget. But then once you start making more money and you can start building up you know those reserves, emergency funds and start you know all those types of things same for the future Maybe you can start getting away from the rigid budget and just more of a general plan of actions.
Speaker 3:We're really big proponents of paying yourself first and so definitely making sure that that amount of money like you said, having that plan, having that future vision and goal for your family, for household, so being on the same page about that and making sure that basically comes off the top so that you're contributing to that, first and foremost. And then also another big, important expense for a lot of households, including ours, is tithe or charitable contributions. You know, making sure that next is the you know the next thing, and then from there having the other categories, kind of like everything he mentioned. You know the next thing, and then from there having the other categories, kind of like everything he mentioned. You know, having a plan for them, having a plan for every dollar.
Speaker 3:And then one tool that we like to use personally is an app called Rocket Money, and we just suggest, whether it's an app or a Google spreadsheet or an envelope system like, find whatever works for you that you'll actually use continually and consistently and that is easy for maybe both partners to view and have a handle on and be able to use. It's pointless if you're not actually going to use it. And so finding something that works well for you, for us personally, we like the app Rocket Money, and it also tells you when subscriptions go up, which is really, and so yeah, Do you have like a recommendation for you know, like, how do you recommend that couples separate their money?
Speaker 1:like, do you like having like a his, hers and our account, or do you, like you know, just saying like, okay, here's an amount of money that you get every month that you don't have to be accountable for, or how do you kind of make sure that there's the good mix of saving but also like not feeling so tight?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's definitely come down to the individual couple and how they want to work that out. But ultimately, obviously, having that conversation kind of working out, for us personally, everything's mixed. We don't have like separate accounts for each other. We don't have like separate, you know, quote, don't have like separate, you know, quote, unquote. You know you can spend this much, you can spend this much.
Speaker 2:We've kind of, for us personally, we've just had a lot of those, a lot of conversations, a lot of discussions and and about what we want to do with money, why it's important no-transcript, separate. You know individual accounts for hey, I get this account, I go on with it. Then we have this middle account, that's for us together, you know. So I think it comes down to really just what's going to work best for you. But then, but again, it goes back to communication and having that conversation and really diving into you know what do we want to do, how do we want to manage our money? But having a plan to manage your money is key, because if we don't have a plan for it, it's going to go somewhere, money flows, it does not stay stagnant.
Speaker 3:And so it's either going to flow towards things that is important or the world of society is going to get it, because that's the world we live in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think the open communication again is so is so key because, like what we've found and what we've learned over the years um, some, some, some uncomfortable experiences um, is to have the open communication as to hey, now we have kind of the rule that if one of us is going to want to spend over $500 for any one thing, we really need to have an open conversation about that before you spring for it. But if it's, you know, other kind of, you know, does that any other types of expenses under that dollar amount, then we really don't worry about it. But for more significant things, having that open conversation about hey, here's where I want to make this purchase, here's why, you know, and for us, a lot of that comes into, since we work together, we have a business together, business investments, you know, those things can be kind of high ticket sometimes and so really even more so, having that understanding and being on the same page, it's not just your average everyday household expense we found it'd be really helpful, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if you have a couple who's, like you know I didn't really learn that much about money growing up Like I would love to learn how to save money and like have it for retirement and things like that, what resources do you recommend that people start just kind of getting an idea of how much, how much they should be saving every month? Great question.
Speaker 2:Great question. So a couple of resources we recommend are resources that our company has produced. We've created our company's written a series of books called how Money Works. They've written one specifically for women as you have a copy of that one.
Speaker 2:That one's great.
Speaker 2:It's a lot of case study stories of women in different, specifically to different situations that women deal with when it comes to money.
Speaker 2:We have a more general book, just how Money Works for everybody, and it kind of goes through all the key concepts and fundamentals and a process that we take all of our clients through, called the 7 Money Milestones, which are milestones along the journey to creating that financial security, that foundation, and then working towards saving and building money for the future for independents.
Speaker 2:And then we have a new book that just came out I know you were talking earlier about kids and how do you do with your kids. We actually just came out with a new book called how Many Works for the Next Generation, which is specifically targeted towards high schoolers and those who are trying to go into the workforce all the way into your mid-30s, and it covers all the same concepts and fundamentals of the first book but also talks about all the firsts, like buying your first car, buying your first house and all of those things like managing money as a couple, like first time you're together as a couple, like what are some things there too? So those are some resources that we usually start people with and really good foundational place to start, because it covers pretty much everything that we should learn in school.
Speaker 3:I like to say these books are the books that you wish you had when you either in high school or in college, before you became you know, went out in the adult world and yeah, and I would say, and the other thing is really understanding and calculating what we call your financial independence number, and so we can certainly help with this through a free consultation that we offer. But basically understanding what is that end goal, what is that retirement number or, if you don't like that, that word retirement what would make us work optional, you know, what would give us our freedom at some point in life, you know. And so really understanding what that number is and then what's the you know rate of return that we'd be able to get on the investments and that growth to get there. So what do we need? Kind of reverse engineering that plan so we know what's the today amount that we need to be saving on a consistent basis to be able to reach that goal.
Speaker 3:Just like if you get in your car and you want to go to a store, you need to know the address of that store if you've never been there before. Otherwise you're just kind of meandering and wasting a lot of time and gas and energy and resources. So you really need to know what is the end goal, how does what's the destination and how do we get there the most efficient way possible. And then getting on the same page about that. So it's really not a struggle every month to oh, we need to save this much. Well, I, you know I don't agree, like you're really, but you're very clear and you have that clarity to be able to consistently save that amount of money every month or quarterly or whatever you decide on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that term work optional, because retirement sounds very old, but you could be like shooting for a work optional age. I like that a lot, yeah. So my next question is like it's interesting because I feel like my parents taught me a lot about money. Like I feel like my dad taught me about credit and, you know, being on the right side of interest and those types of things. So I feel like I did a really good job young when I in our young married life, managing our, our credit cards and things like that, until we started dealing with big sums of money of which I had no idea what was happening.
Speaker 1:And my husband now just you know he'll say number to me and I'm like that's too big for me to like understand. But what do you recommend we start teaching our kids so that they're prepared? Like I think of things like how are they going to know like how much money they can spend a month for a mortgage and like things like that. Like I, I have adult children and I don't remember teaching them those things. So like what do you recommend we start with when we're talking to our kids about money?
Speaker 2:Yeah, great question. I think some of the things I would look at is first is understanding the basics of a budget and understanding what you have and what you have to work with. Don't live below your means, don't don't overextend yourself. It's so easy nowadays. I mean, as soon as we come out of high school, we start getting credit card offers. You know, if we don't, you know, a lot of times we go to college, we take on student loan, debt that we carry for sometimes decades, debt that we carry for sometimes decades. And so, under really understanding the debt side of things and it was really important and also asking the question is where am I getting the information from? Who's delivering this? Quote unquote financial education Like, for example, I don't want to pick on lenders too much, but they're going to tell you not what you can afford based on your budget, but what you can afford based on your credit, which can be way overextending yourself. So really taking the time to understand what can you afford and what do you feel comfortable with, it's not going to overextend yourself and put yourself in a good position. And the other thing that I really love to teach young people really anybody, but especially young people is understanding the time value of money, because if you can start saving when you're right out of high school, the amount of money you just save to hit your goals is so much less than, if you like, live it up in your 20s, spend it all and then try to become an adult at 30. And then start saving. You have to save so much more money to hit the same goal. And so we show a lot of people just a basic example of you know, if you start your 20s, how much more money you have by quote unquote retirement age, versus if you wait till you're 30 to start saving, and it's a significant difference. And so that's the one I really like to teach young people is just understanding the importance of saving early and taking advantage of compound interest and how time is your most valuable asset for building wealth. And so if you can start young, that's key.
Speaker 2:And for parents, I always encourage them, even if it's a small amount, try to get something started for your kids if you can afford it when they're young. We set up a plan for my niece when she was two weeks old. The time value she's going to have on what her parents are doing for her my brother and his wife is amazing because she's starting at zero. But those are some of the fundamentals that I like to really hone into people. And then I guess the last thing I would say is just kind of crafting that vision for the future and thinking about you know, do you want to have a family someday, what is your career going to look like? What are your goals? And starting making decisions that give you options in the future, because if you don't, a lot of people get stuck in a job they hate or stuck in a situation they don't like because they don't have any other choices, because they weren't smart with their finances early on. So those are some things.
Speaker 3:And Rule of 72.
Speaker 2:Yeah, rule of 72, that's an easy, that's a simple formula we teach people is just understanding you mentioned earlier be on the right side of interest. Rule 72 just illustrates how well your money is doubling based on the interest rate that it's earning or that you're paying. So if you're paying a high interest on, like credit card debt, how fast are they doubling their money versus how much? How fast is your money doubling based on the accounts you're putting it in is another you know simple math formula we teach people, which is basically 72 divided by the rate of return equals the years of value of money.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I think it's really important to make smart decisions. You know, like, think about your future self. I know it's hard for young people to do that, but my son has done a really good job of in high school he was putting money away and like already starting to invest a little bit of it and you know, he's kind of reaped the rewards now, which is really cool. But you know, my husband worked with a ton of you know his own employees when we owned our own business and they would drive really nice cars and have really nice phones and like they really didn't need all of those things for anything. But they are living paycheck to paycheck and so you could just, you know, downgrade your phone a little bit, get a little bit less nice car, and then you're doing yourself a favor for later, because then you're going to have all of that money compounding and interest if you're saving it versus just spending it on things that are not that important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot of times it's if we, if we go after those expensive things early, we are putting ourselves in a position to basically never really be able to afford anything super nice in the future because we're sacrificing. We're going to sacrifice the future for now versus sacrificing now for the future and just showing people hey, if you get your money working for you now, like you mentioned, have a pay up, have a car you can pay for in cash or don't constantly upgrade your phone so you're constantly having those payments, get that money working for you and then in the future you can probably afford anything that you want to a certain extent. But now you have options. I can afford to buy the nicer car because I've I'm paying it with the interest of my money has been earning versus you know, just yeah.
Speaker 3:And that can be a hard shift. I mean, it's a little countercultural, because you have so many different sources and everything on social media that's about the now and the flash. And the debt is easy to get, you know, and another credit card is easy to get, and if you can have it now, why wait? And when you have that onslaught of marketing and everything, it's hard to kind of take a step back and be like, oh no, I want, I want this, I really truly want this in the future.
Speaker 3:And prioritizing that we talk a lot about, like saving, is sexy and yeah, it's like because trying to just change that narrative of like you know and maybe I think it might have been accentuated even more so with COVID I feel like people just were so like, well, we may not be here tomorrow, so let's enjoy today. You know, eat, drink and marry, for tomorrow we die, like we kind of hear that mentality sometimes and so it's like, well, yeah, but you know, you really do want to prioritize for not only yourself but your family's future and your legacy beyond that, to prioritize certain things. And if you just plan for it and have, you know, have that plan, it doesn't have to be a painful process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I know my husband's always like we're not leaving our kids anything. They have to earn their own stuff. So we don't want them depending on any type of inheritance from us or anything, because we just don't want them to get lazy in that way. But one of the things I do think is so important and I talk to my couples about this and this is important in any aspect of your marriage, but especially in your money.
Speaker 1:People have money stories that they start when they're young, whether it's that your parents tell you money doesn't grow on trees, or you know we're poor, we don't have enough, or you know, whatever it is, it's so important to be curious about how the things that you feel really strongly about and the things that your spouse feels really strongly about, and so I always recommend go on a vacation and it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive like go on a camping trip or go hiking together or something, and get really curious.
Speaker 1:Like ask your spouse like when's the first time you knew, like you had an inkling of how much money you had in comparison to your neighbors, or something like that. Or you know what's a really big money lesson that your parents either did or didn't teach you that had an effect on you or things like that. And so you start to understand your partner and their decisions and you know kind of their triggers better when you get really curious about how they grew up and what they were taught around money and how they kind of develop the ideas and opinions that they hold so dear, and then you can have more respect and honor better your partner. Like I laugh, so I mean my whole family laughs, because my husband is very he feels very strongly about the lights, right, like he will get so upset if you leave a room and you don't turn out the lights, right, I mean he'll just like it's like a personal attack on him if you're not turning on the lights.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right, and we even have solar now and he's still like don't leave that room, you know, and not turn out the lights or he'll come home and it'd be like I turned off four lights when I got here, so funny.
Speaker 1:But my husband grew up with a lot less means than we did and he has got a lot of stories about he and his siblings sharing candy bars on a Saturday and, you know, wearing the goodwill clothes and his parents not taking handouts and things like that. So he has a very different upbringing than I did, and so I appreciate the fact that he values money, that he's good at saving money. He's also very good at making money and so he's been able to provide very well for our family because he works very hard. But he's also a saver and so you know, there were times in my marriage where I'm like digging in my heels, like you're not going to die with your money. Why are you being such a miser? But I have grown to appreciate that about him and I understand it so much better now that I know his stories and his upbringing and kind of where he came from, so so important. So I feel like I just got on a soapbox there. But do you guys have anything to add on that?
Speaker 2:Definitely Money is such a psychological thing. First, like, the numbers are black and white, it's math, right and so. But the why behind it goes back to, like you just mentioned, how were we raised? What were, how did our parents treat money? How did they talk about money or not talk about money? That drives a lot of how you will do that as an adult and so, and when you bring that into a relationship, a marriage, you know two totally different upbringings. Like you know, that could be similar. There's going to be very a lot of differences.
Speaker 2:And so having that open conversation, I think it's so important as well as, yeah, we can talk about you know how much money I should save, how much I make, all the black and white spreadsheet stuff. But if that doesn't matter, if you don't understand why you're making the decisions that you're making and what's the emotional uh pull behind that, and having that communication, having those conversations, is really what's going to help you work through those things. I know for us, you know, whether it's money or just anything related to our relationship, early on especially, we had lots of discussions and lots of questions about things and we did it in a very like she said no shame, blame or guilt. We're just trying to get to know each other, trying to understand how each other think and why you respond this way versus I respond this way, and so money, especially, is a very key area to have those conversations, so definitely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's so fun to talk about money, but it's kind of necessary.
Speaker 3:I love what you said, monica, about like encouraging couples, and how you do encourage couples to like get away and change your environment, even just changing going for a walk and talking about it. I know you had a recent you know podcast and talk about. You know going on walks and how beneficial that is. But I feel like changing your state change. You know incorporating movement, going on a weekend getaway and and even having like a we've done this many times like a vision for our life talk you know what does that look like and it's so easy, so much easier to do that when you're in a different location, different environment, and you have that kind of relaxation you know element to to it. So that's, that's huge. I love that. You encourage that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think if there's like one takeaway I could take from this whole episode, I would say do a little bit of like a mental inventory and figure out, like how are we doing with money as far as like not like we have enough money or whatever like that.
Speaker 1:But you know, do we understand each other's philosophies behind money and do we know what we're doing with our money? Do we have a plan for our money, kind of like you explained? And if not, if you don't have like these regular conversations, regular planning meetings about your money, go on a vacation or go on a walk and really like figure it out, like make a commitment to be like you know we should probably get a handle on this so that we're not having so many charged conversations or fights around this and just really like, let's get on the same side and work together to make our money work for us. So let the listeners know how they can get a hold of you, how they can get you know the the free resources that you talk about and a free consultation for their seven step thing or whatever that you guys Seven money milestones.
Speaker 1:Seven money milestones.
Speaker 2:Yeah, probably the easiest place to find us is just at your cashflow couple on Instagram. That'd be the best first place if you want to learn more about us just as a couple and there be a good place to start. And then a website, howmoneyworkscom forward slash. Nate Smith or Bethany Smith we both have websites there. That's a great place to go. You can learn more about our books and there's a lot of great information education, like what are the seven money milestones A lot of good information there. There's also options to book an appointment with us from that website as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we never charge for a consultation. So sometimes just having someone to talk to and getting that map, getting that plan out, can be so helpful and so beneficial. I know it was for us almost six years ago now.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Well, thank you guys, so much for your time today and all your expertise. Any last words of wisdom for our couples who are interested in money.
Speaker 2:No, just no. Thank you so much, monica, for the opportunity to share our story and share some of this insight. Biggest thing is just talk about money opportunity to share our story and share some of this insight. Biggest thing is just just talk about money and start talking about it and uh, and, and then create and talk about it from a point of what's, what's the vision we want to create for our life and what do we want to do in the future. Um, great place to start and have those conversations about where'd you come from, what, what do we, how, why do we think, why do we think? You get on the same page. I think it's so valuable.