Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

When My Son Got Married on Our 23rd Anniversary

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 322

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We celebrate a double milestone as my son gets married on our 23rd wedding anniversary. This emotional weekend brings together two generations of love stories while I reflect on what makes a marriage work for over two decades.

• Cooking for 125 wedding guests from a small Airbnb with crockpots scattered throughout every room
• The importance of morning walks for communication and connection in marriage
• Jewish wedding traditions including the chuppah and breaking glass to symbolize the couple's new journey
• The significance of being intentional about building a good relationship with my new daughter-in-law
• How apologizing quickly and choosing each other daily strengthens marriage over decades
• The value of community support and having a "village" to celebrate important life transitions

Get on the waiting list for my upcoming book "Bad Marriage Advice" at www.badmarriageadvice.com and receive a free gift of 300+ date night ideas for every season, budget, and interest.


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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I have just had one of the most emotional, exciting, awesome, wonderful weekends of my life. In this shorter episode, I am going to give you the rundown of lessons that I've learned in 23 years of marriage, because we celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary just this past weekend, but also give you the rundown on my son's wedding, because he actually got married on our anniversary. It was so wonderful to be a part of it. So I'll just start off with the joy that it was to be there when my son got married to his beautiful bride. We drove down. They had the wedding about six hours south of where we live, so our family drove down the day before the wedding and I was in charge of the luncheon. So the week leading up to the wedding I made lots of lists because I knew I had to feed about 125 people. We found an Airbnb that was close by the reception site so that I could be cooking, and lots of my friends asked why I didn't cater it, and the reason why is because it saved my son and his wife about $2,000. So I was willing to do it. I'm used to cooking for a lot of people. That was the first time I've ever cooked for over a hundred people on my own, but we figured it out and actually the food turned out great. So that week leading up to the wedding I was thinking a lot about food logistics as well as what I would say to kind of kick off the luncheon portion because they wanted to do speeches from anyone. They wanted to have an open mic, so they wanted anyone to be able to speak. So it was such a great honor to be able to kick that off and I'll tell you a little bit of what I said in my speech.

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But we drove down on Friday and we dropped my kids off at his fiance's family's house, because they have a lot of kids that are the same age and then my husband and I went to Costco and got all the food that we needed to prepare and then went back to our Airbnb and started cooking. And then that evening we went to help set up the reception and then my sister-in-law came over and we stayed up fairly late to get all of the food prepped for the next day. Then we woke up on Saturday, the day of the wedding. It was so cool. My son spent the night with us in our Airbnb his last night being single, and it was so fun. But I woke up really early to get the meat started in the crockpots. And it was so funny because I had five crockpots in this little Airbnb and so there was one in the kitchen, one in the living room, one in our bedroom, one in the bathroom and one in the garage so that I didn't overburden the electrical system. So we had crockpots going all over the house and I woke up super early on Saturday morning to put all the meat in all the crockpots and then my husband and I went for a walk. So that was kind of all that we did, just the two of us, to celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary. We actually went to on a walk to the store to get.

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My son was having a little bit of stomach issues so we got him some medicine and I thought that was so fun because I remember early in our marriage not that it was fun that his stomach was hurting, but I remember early in our marriage my husband had the same problems. He would get tummy aches often and I felt like that was stress over, you know, having to support a family and being newly married and wanting to be really good at being a husband, which he absolutely was. But he would get stomach aches often, and so it was really interesting that my son woke up on his wedding day with some pretty substantial stomach issues. So we took a little one mile walk down the road to the nearest store and we grabbed some medicine and a few other things that we needed at the store and walked back, and that was so typical of my husband and I. We love walking, and while we could have easily driven the car to the store, that was kind of the way that we celebrated our wedding anniversary with a morning workout slash walk that we have always, over 23 years, really enjoyed doing together. So it was cool to just walk. You know, we walked hand in hand on the way to the store and then, obviously, on the way back from the store we had bags in our hands, but we did enjoy spending that time together, kind of reminiscing on the last 23 years, which is so important. I'll just kind of insert here that taking walks together, reminiscing, forecasting and dreaming and having difficult conversations, is such a worthwhile use of time, so I cannot recommend enough walking together with your spouse, because it is so much easier to have those types of difficult or uncomfortable or fun, imaginative conversations when you're not staring in each other's eyes, when you're walking together in the same direction. It's always easier to be able to communicate well and think clearly when you're outside in the fresh air, walking together. So love, love, love walking Cannot recommend it enough.

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We got back to the Airbnb, I showered and got ready. My husband and my son left a little bit early and then I left with the rest of my kids and it was super sweet because I got all ready and my girls were like mom, your hair doesn't look very good. And I was like, well, it's not my day, it's not a big deal. And my daughter, who is 18, was like mom, you're going to be in a lot of pictures today, let me do your hair. And I was like, okay. So, even though I was kind of flying around preparing some food, my daughter curled my hair and I thought that was very sweet because I've spent many, many, many years doing her hair and I thought it was very sweet that she took some time and some care and she did my hair for the wedding.

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Then we drove to the Taylorsville LDS temple where my son and his wife were sealed. We had so many family and friends there. It was so sweet and so tender. The room was full and it was a beautiful ceremony and then, after we came out of the temple, there was even more friends and family there. We took pictures. The tulips around the temple were so incredibly gorgeous and I really just loved taking those pictures with our family.

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And then me and my sister-in-laws and my husband rushed back to the Airbnb to get all the food prepped and took it back to where we were doing hosting the luncheon, and everybody was super helpful. I was handing out jobs for people. I had people going to get me ice and extra tablecloths and just certain things that I had forgotten, so people were awesome about helping and just running errands and doing all the things that needed to be done. We ended up having almost the perfect amount of food. For those of you who are wondering, I served pork sliders, pasta salad, caesar salad and watermelon. So that was the menu for about 125 people, I would say, at the luncheon.

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So once we got to the location for the luncheon and the reception, what was really really cool is that my son and his wife had a ring ceremony and my husband actually officiated the ring ceremony, which was super special because we talked about some Jewish traditions, which is from my heritage. So the couple got married underneath a chuppah, which has really cool significance in the Jewish tradition. It is an archway that is open on four sides and has a fabric covering, and the symbolism of this is the openness on four sides represents the couple's new home that they're going to create together, and having it open is that it is inviting and generous and people are always welcome into their home. And the covering over top represents God and his covering the marriage. And then the posts. All four posts are representative of the support for the new couple and it was so cool because we were surrounded by a hundred plus family and friends, people that have been super significant in the couple's life, and so it was so cool to see that symbolism and then look over the crowd.

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My husband did such an incredible job talking about the Jewish symbols, even though he's not Jewish, but he did some research and he also peppered in some really cool memories of my son and some advice, which was really cool to hear my husband give advice publicly, because that's my gig I give the marriage advice and I've never heard my husband do so publicly, but he did and he talked about the importance of apologizing and how that can be very difficult sometimes but so important in a marriage, and he told a really cool story about a time when he was really upset with my son when he was very little, and my son went and gave him a hug and said I'm so sorry, dad, and it was just a really cool moment and I loved that my husband got to share that with our closest family and friends. And then at the end they broke the glass, which is very significant in Jewish tradition, symbolizing that you know, once the glass is broken, it cannot be put back together and so, just like it changed forms, now that the couple is married, they will never be able to go back to how they were before. It symbolizes joy, but also the brokenness of the world and how important it is to remember kindness and love. So they broke the glass and then we all shouted mazel tov, which is congratulations, good luck and hooray all wrapped into one, and it was short and sweet and super cool, and so I love that my husband was able to do that. Then we served lunch. It was the perfect amount. It worked out perfectly. Lots of people jumped in to help, and so I was so grateful for all of that.

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And then, after we ate, I stood up and had the opportunity to open up kind of an open mic session where everybody got to talk about the bride and the groom and how they felt about them. It was so fun for me to go. First I kind of shared my thoughts, obviously about how important living happily ever after is, how possible it is, but that it requires work and that you have to be intentional to make that a reality. And then I talked about my feelings about being a mother-in-law and how you know that relationship is so important to me and I I just told my daughter-in-law some things that she should know about me, like that I wear my emotions on my sleeve, that I will make mistakes, and how important it is for her to just come talk to me and we will work it through because our relationship is so important to me. And then I told her that I would love her with my whole heart. I also told them about the book that I wrote for them that wasn't ready quite yet but it is so close, and that they would get the first copy of bad marriage advice, which is basically just a long love letter and lots of advice from me combating the bad advice that they will get out in the world, and so I'm so excited for that. It was a blast to write and I sure hope it will be helpful not only to them but also to all the couples that hopefully will get the opportunity to get a copy of that book so Bad Marriage Advice. It comes out in August. Hopefully I'll have a copy of the book for my son and his wife before that.

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And then we went on to hear lots and lots of really cool stories and experiences from people who have been close to my son and his bride throughout their lives. So it was really cool to hear fun stories about both of them from the people who love them. And then we started the reception, which was so fun. We did a line for a little while and there were so many people that came to congratulate and love on the bride and groom. And then we opened it up for dancing, which was so cool because my son married a ballroom dancer. She is on the ballroom dance team at BYU and part of the line was the whole group of ballroom. The whole ballroom dance team from BYU came in and they were so fun.

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And so my son well, my, my son's wife and he choreographed their first dance together. And then my daughter-in-law and her dad had a really fun choreographed dance and if you follow me on social media you can see I will post clips of those. They were so fun. And then at some point during the dancing they cleared the dance floor and my daughter in law did this flash mob with her and all of her dance friends and it was so cute. It was like this hip hop dance. My son was sitting in a chair at the edge of the dance floor and they all came out from different directions in purple tearaway sweats and they did this really cute dance and tore off their sweatpants and were wearing sparkly leggings and it just was so cute and my son's face was unforgettable.

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And so we had a night of dancing and then we sent the couple off and it was just so special. So really that was it. And so we had a night of dancing and then we sent the couple off and it was just so special. So really, that was it. That was the day of me and my husband's anniversary. That's how we celebrated was getting to see my son, mary, the most beautiful girl in the world, and see him so happy with her, and I just couldn't think of a better way to spend our 23rd wedding anniversary. And when we went to bed that night we gave kind of a nux and we're like we did it, it's done, they're married so cool. Just a really, really, really all around great experience.

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So what I would say I learned from that is to A be grateful. I am so grateful for all of my family and friends that showed up in all of the necessary moments, that were willing to help me find crockpots and help me plan the menu and run errands at the last minute, who offered to help, who supported the couple, who gave them great gifts, who were a part of their special day. It just it takes a village and I am so grateful for our village, the people that have loved on my son, for the decisions that both my son and his bride have made leading up to this momentous occasion. I know that they both have been preparing their entire lives for such an incredible start to their happily ever after love story and I would just say that, like my husband said in the ceremony, how important it is to apologize and how important it is to choose each other each and every day, and I would say, for 23 wonderful years not all easy, definitely a lot of work required to get to year 23, but to keep choosing each other, to keep communicating, to keep talking about the hard things and just to keep the faith, keep choosing.

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And really all I have to say is, if you're struggling, if you're at a crossroads in your marriage, if you are having a hard time, one, you're not alone and two, there is help and support. It is so rewarding to be able to walk with couples through their difficult struggles, and most of the couples who come to work with me struggle with communication in some form, and there are skillful ways to communicate, to talk about the hard things. I always say that it's so important to let the bad thing happen, meaning be willing to risk the relationship. Don't sweep it under the rug, don't let things go and then resent them. It's so important to be able to talk about how you feel about things, to work through things together, to lay it out on the table, look at it and then be able to talk about it and get through it. So I leave you just with so much gratitude and so much joy, and I want that for you as well. So I did create a free gift for you.

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So my website, badmarriageadvicecom, is now ready. You can go to bad marriage advicecom and sign up on the waiting list so you'll be the first to know when my book launches. And when you do that you will get a copy of 300 date night ideas. Because if you're feeling like you've lost the spark or you're just kind of in a lull in your relationship, my best advice for you is to start dating each other, and sometimes it's hard to come up with ideas past dinner and a movie or something like that. So I came up with 300 plus date night ideas for every season, for every price point, for every interest that you might have. So you'll want to go to wwwbadmarriageadvicecom, get on that waiting list to get the book and download 300 date night ideas. So we'll be back next week, same time, same place, and until then, don't fall for any bad marriage advice. Bye for now.