Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

What to Do When Your Partner Won't Do The Work

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 327

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I tackle the challenging reality of what to do when one partner wants to work on the relationship while the other resists, providing a clear three-step approach based on my experience with couples in this situation.

• Despite what some experts claim, you cannot completely transform your marriage alone—both partners must participate
• The first step is to directly invite your partner to therapy or coaching, being persistent but understanding about their concerns
• Step two involves creating "productive discomfort" by withdrawing comforts you typically provide
• The final step may require temporary separation to demonstrate how serious you are about improving the relationship
• When both partners engage in the work, transformative results are possible that benefit not just the couple but future generations
• Breaking generational patterns requires courage to stand up with loving power rather than settling for mediocrity

If you need help with this process, please reach out for a complimentary call at monicatanner.com/call. And for engaged or newlywed couples, I'm offering a special summer promotion—three RLT sessions for the price of one to help establish a strong foundation for your marriage.


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Speaker 0:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today's episode is a good one. I have been trying to record this episode for a while, but I knew it was going to be a little bit controversial, so I've been dragging my feet a little bit, but I feel like I need to do it. So, before we start, I just want to make sure that you are aware of the special that I'm running this summer for engaged and newlywed couples, and that is three sessions for the price of one. Now, if you are engaged or newlywed, or there is a couple that you love who is engaged or newlywed, what an incredible gift. What better gift could you give them than a strong foundation through a few sessions with a coach or therapist trained in RLT, to be able to get them off on the right start for their marriage? Now, this is so important for a few reasons, the first being that what a relational life practitioner will do is sit down with the couple and first help them understand some of the dynamics of their relationship. So, for example, on the self-esteem line, are they more apt to go one up or one down? Are they more walled off or boundaryless? And what are some of the losing strategies that they will employ when things get tough. Not only that, but if there's trauma, they'll go through some of that as well as set them up with skills such as making requests with loving power, repairing after conflict and how to have tough conversations. Now, all of these things lay the foundation for success for the new couple before problems arise. It also establishes the couple with a practitioner that they can trust so that when things come up in the marriage they don't wait the two to six years that most couples wait before going to see somebody. They are already established. The practitioner already knows about them individually and as a couple, and they can jump right in and work through the problems that always come in a long-term committed relationship. The skills will help them navigate the natural cycles of harmony, disharmony and repair. And help them navigate the natural cycles of harmony, disharmony and repair, and help them achieve more trust and resilience in the marriage. So if you know a newlywed couple and you would like to gift them three sessions with me, go to monicatanercom. Backslash call C A L L and I will get youa beautiful certificate that you can gift to the couple, or I will help you find another relational life practitioner that can provide these services to the couple. All right, with all of that being said, let's jump into today's episode, which, like I said, is a really good one.

Speaker 0:

I wanted to create an episode that would help couples where one partner wants to work on the relationship and the other partner is resistant. Now I have a lot of these couples in my practice. Right now I'm working with either husband whose wives refuse to come to therapy or a few wives whose husbands are super resistant to doing the work. Now there are a lot of marriage experts out there who talk about you can change the relationship just by yourself. You don't need both couples to participate. Learn the skills, do the work on your own. Now I am not arguing that you can change the dynamic on your own. You can learn some good relational skills. However, if you want a healthy, thriving marriage dynamic, you do need both couples to participate and come to the table. It's okay if one partner is resistant, but they must be willing to come to the table. So anyone who tells you that you can change your marriage, save your marriage all on your own, that is hogwash. For long-term success in your marriage, you must both participate Now, if your partner is resistant to coming to coaching and participating, I have good news and bad news.

Speaker 0:

The good news is that it is partially your responsibility and there is something you can do about it. The bad news is it's not easy. So in today's episode, I want to give you a three-step process that I go through with my clients who have partners who are resistant to come to coaching or therapy. Now there is a myriad of reasons why the resistant partner is so resistant. It could be that there's a stigma on asking for help. It could be that it's vulnerable or they feel like it's showing weakness. It could be that the tradition in their faith or in their family has set them up to be resistant to this type of help. But more than likely, the reason why your partner is resistant to come to coaching or therapy is because they are not uncomfortable enough.

Speaker 0:

Now, this is the good news that I was talking about, because there is things that you can do about this. So when I have clients come to me and they say I really wanna do the work, I'm unhappy or uncomfortable in my marriage I know that it can be improved, but my partner refuses to come and participate, the first thing that I advise them to do is to set up an appointment for both of them and then to show up every single day, to use the skills to stand up for themselves with loving power, to go to their partner and say, hey, is this a good time? There's something really important I want to talk to their partner and say, hey, is this a good time? There's something really important I want to talk to you about. Then the first step would be to invite them to the session that you have set up. So start a couple of weeks in advance and make the request. Hey, honey, there are some things that I'd really like to work on in our relationship and, because I love you so much, I have found somebody that I trust, that I feel like can help us. I've set an appointment for two weeks from today, and I'd really like for you to join me. What do you think about that? They're either going to say yes or no. If they say yes, perfect. If they say no, let them know of your disappointment and ask them again and again, and again and again. Let them know how important this is to you, see, if you can figure out what their resistance is or where it's coming from and if you can offer them some comfort around that so I can help you walk through this process. Whatever their objections are, I can help you work through them with them. However, if they continue to shoot you down and they will not participate in coaching or counseling with you, you'll have to go to step two.

Speaker 0:

Now, step two is assuming that they are not yet uncomfortable enough to join you, and so this is where I get a lot of pushback. When I've talked about this on podcasts or other shows a lot of times, people will kind of widen their eyes like this surprise that I would suggest something like this. But you have to help your partner feel your discomfort, and so that means you start taking away things that you provide for your partner that makes them comfortable in the relationship. This looks and sounds a little bit like this If you make dinner every night, it might say, until you're willing to come with me to coaching or counseling, I will no longer make dinner, or I will no longer sleep in our bedroom with you, or I will no longer go with you to social events that you need me to attend, or I'll no longer do the laundry, whatever it is that you provide that makes their life comfortable. I would withdraw it, not out of spite, but out of love. Let them know that you are serious about getting help with your relationship, that until they are willing to join you in coaching or counseling, that you will be taking away these things that you provide. You can even let them know I feel like you're too comfortable in the relationship and I would like to work on it, so I will be taking away things that provide for your comfort. So I will be taking away things that provide for your comfort. So I will be taking away things that I provide for your comfort because I want you to be uncomfortable enough to want to work with me on this relationship. So that is step two. Do that for a little while and see how it goes. Most resistant partners will at this point understand how serious you are and they will acquiesce and join you in coaching. But if that doesn't work, you're going to have to escalate to step three, which is partner. I want to work on this relationship and if you are not willing to work with me and participate, I'm going to have to make some very serious decisions about whether or not I want to continue in this marriage with you or not.

Speaker 0:

I have had clients that have had to remove themselves, move out of the house, take the kids or ask their partner to leave in a trial separation in order to get their partners to participate in therapy. Now I know this is tough, especially if you are in the camp that divorce is not an option. The reality is that divorce is always an option. The alternative is to continue in a relationship that is not serving you. Now, a lot of times I will work with my clients on their thoughts about the disruption to their family, to their children. What will the neighbors think? It is a difficult move to actually go through with a trial separation in order to get your partner to work on the marriage. I understand this is not an easy thing to do, but I have also seen great progress because oftentimes the resistant partner doesn't believe that you're willing to go through with something like this, that you're serious enough about working on the relationship, about getting more of what you need from the relationship.

Speaker 0:

They don't understand the lengths you're willing to go to to get them to participate in doing the work with you. So until they feel that discomfort they are not going to be willing to join you. But when you show them how serious you are, oftentimes they'll do a 180. Oftentimes they will call me. Sometimes they're upset, but many times they'll say what do I need to do to get my partner back? And that's when the real work begins.

Speaker 0:

So if you're in a relationship right now that's not working for you, where your partner is not listening to you, is not honoring the requests that you're making to work on the relationship, you might need to escalate. Step one is to invite, step two is to start taking away comforts and step three is to actually separate. What's amazing is I have seen couples completely reconstruct their relationship when both partners come to the table and are willing to participate in the work to make the marriage better. This provides so much value for their children, for their families, for their communities, instead of staying in a marriage that isn't healthy, where there are destructive dynamics and only one partner willing to work. The difference is night and day. The results and the progress are astounding and so worth whatever it takes to get there. So I invite you and I encourage you to take the necessary steps to show your partner how serious you are, to stand up to them with loving power and request that they join you to work on the health of your relationship, not just for you, not just for them, but for your children and their children. This is how we break generational dysfunctional patterns. This is how we create happy, healthy, thriving relationships that set the blueprint for those who come after you. This is how you write and live out your happily ever after on your terms and, most importantly, happily ever after on your terms and most importantly, this is how you stand up to your partner with loving power, in service of both of you and the relationship.

Speaker 0:

Don't settle for a mediocre marriage. When you can have something extraordinary, you may have to do things that are uncomfortable, but the alternative is to stay stuck and miserable in a marriage. That's not serving you and that's not good for you, that's not ultimately good for your partner and it's not good for your children. If you need help with this, if you need coaching through this process, please reach out to me again. You can set up a complimentary call by going to wwwmonicatanercom. Backslash call. I'm ready and waiting to work with you. My mission is to increase marital satisfaction and lower the divorce rate. I know that it's possible. I've seen it, I've experienced it, I've lived. I appreciate you being here and listening. If you want to set up the newlyweds in your life for success, please get them a few sessions with a relational life practitioner and if you're ready to do the work on your relationship, reach out. I'll be here, same time, same place next week, and until then, happy.