Debunking Sex Myths in Marriage

Bad sexual advice is one of the top reasons couples struggle early in marriage, often because most grow up with distorted expectations about what a healthy sex life looks like.

• Sex advice is usually messed up because the topic is taboo in most families
• Most couples start marriage with distorted expectations about their sex life
• "A Good Wife Keeps Her Husband Satisfied" creates an unhealthy obligation dynamic
• Healthy sex is mutual with both partners free to say yes or no
• The myth that "men always want it and women never do" oversimplifies desire
• Desire varies from person to person and changes in every season of life
• Understanding "bridges to desire" helps couples communicate about intimacy
• The myth that "great sex should happen naturally" creates disappointment
• Most couples have one partner with spontaneous desire and one with responsive desire
• Great sex takes communication, intentionality, and sometimes scheduling
• Sex is a journey, not a destination – you'll grow and learn together
• Sex is more about connection than performance
• Communication is essential – you can't fix what you don't talk about
• Sexual satisfaction gets better over time when you make it a priority

Go get your copy of Bad Marriage Advice on October 1st, and join me next week for a special episode where I'll interview my oldest son and his wife about what they wish they'd known before marriage.

If you are ready to work with a coach around these topics, email me at: moni@monicatanner.com.

Transcript

Welcome and Book Announcement

Speaker 0 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast . I'm your host , monica Tanner , and we are officially one week from the launch of my new book , bad Marriage Advice . I am getting so excited and I hope that you will all go and purchase your copy on October 1st to be the first ones to get your hands on it . It's also a wonderful gift for anyone in your life who is getting married or just their marriage needs a boost . I mean you could order several copies and just have one on hand anytime you need it . All right .

Speaker 0 0:35

Today I want to talk about something that doesn't get a lot of airtime , and it is the worst advice about sex that we're given and what newlyweds , or even if you've been married a long time , need

Why Sex Advice Is Usually Wrong

Speaker 0 0:51

to know . So let's be honest when it comes to sex and marriage , most of us grew up in families that didn't really talk about it . If your family did talk about it , usually it was the just obligatory birds and bees talk , but most families , I would say , don't talk about this topic enough to their kids who are about to get married . When I talk to my clients , I am usually appalled at how they describe the way they first learned about the topic of sex and all the things that their parents never taught them . Most of them felt confused , ashamed or completely unprepared for what sex and marriage is really like . So today I want to talk about the worst sex advice you've ever been given and what I wish every couple , especially newlyweds , knew about sex . Don't worry , I'm going to keep it real fun and PG-13 enough so that you can listen without blushing too hard . But this is important because bad sexual advice is one of the top reasons that couples struggle early in their marriage . And , of course , most of this is straight out of chapter 11 in the book which , remember , is launching on October 1st . All right .

Speaker 0 2:12

So the question is , why is sex advice usually so messed up ? Reason number one is that in most families , like we said , the topic is very taboo , and so most of us just grow up with radio silence around the topic of sex . There's no real conversation about it . Just don't do it before you get married . Church and cultural messages can create shame , and the media portrays very unrealistic expectations about what good sex actually looks like . The bottom line is most couples start out marriage with very distorted expectations of what their sex life will be like , and not only that , but typically the husband and the wife have very differing ideas about not only what it will be like , but also how to talk about it , or if they talk about it . I think about it like getting handed a car with no manual . You're told this is powerful , beautiful , dangerous and it's the most important part of your marriage , but no one tells you how it actually works . And no wonder so many couples stall out early . Today I want to talk about three really bad pieces of sexual advice , and then I'm going to tell you the better thing

Myth: Wives Must Keep Husbands Satisfied

Speaker 0 3:36

to think about . So number one this is the title of chapter 11 in my book .

Speaker 0 3:41

A Good Wife Keeps Her Husband Satisfied . Unfortunately , this is not only stated a lot of times , but definitely exemplified in a lot of marriages . I remember specifically hanging out at a friend's house and we were playing pool with my friend's mom who had just recently gotten divorced and she was so heartbroken , but she shared with us , kind of inappropriately , that she always kept her husband satisfied , that she was always available whenever he wanted sex and he cheated on her anyways . Now , at the time , I remember thinking , well , that doesn't sound very fun , but doing what I do now . There's so many things wrong with that statement . First of all , if she was always available for her husband , then sex wasn't fun or something that she desired . Basically , it was a chore or obligation , and when both partners don't feel free in the sexual relationship , that never turns out to be a good experience . The reality is that healthy sex is mutual . Both partners are free to say yes or to say no , and neither partner is acting as the caretaker for the other . Meaning this idea of sexual obligation or managing your partner's needs and desires is completely antithetical to mutually beneficial , desire-driven , committed sex . Both partners' needs need to matter . Intimacy is about connection and not keeping score . I once heard the line that sex isn't a customer service hotline where one partner's job is to handle all the requests . Being on either side of that isn't very fun , all right .

Speaker 0 5:34

Moving on to the second piece of really bad marriage advice that I hear so often is that men always want it and women never

Myth: Men Always Want It

Speaker 0 5:45

do . Sometimes women or girls are taught growing up that a good woman doesn't have any needs or desires . That feeds right into the idea that a woman's job is to handle the needs of her husband . The problem with that is it completely oversimplifies desire . It creates shame for men who don't always want it , and for women who actually do desire to be with their husbands . The reality is that desire varies from person to person and in every season . Healthy couples understand that healthy sexuality is something that needs to be renegotiated over and over and over again throughout the lifespan of the marriage . Healthy couples learn how to communicate about their desire instead of relying on stereotypes .

Speaker 0 6:36

One of the things I teach my newlyweds , but also couples that have been married for years or decades , is about bridges to desire , because our desire profile is so individual and unique . One of the things that's really important to learn about is where our desire comes from , or what feeds our desire . I call these bridges to desire , so I learned pretty early on in our marriage that laughter for me is a huge bridge to desire . Anything to lighten up the mood a romantic comedy , watching some comedy skits , memes on Instagram , anything that can take me kind of out of my to-do list and into that fun , playful energy is a bridge to desire for me , and when I was a young mother , taking me literally anywhere outside of the home and having to tend to the needs of my children continuously was a huge bridge to desire . But again . These things change over time and in the different seasons and stages of my life , so it's really important to always be having these conversations with our spouse how can I help you get in the mood , if you will ? And finally , the last piece of really bad sexual marriage advice that I hear is that great sex should just happen naturally

Myth: Great Sex Happens Naturally

Speaker 0 8:01

.

Speaker 0 8:01

I think we see so many spontaneous sex scenes in the movies and on TV that we get this really warped idea that everybody has spontaneous desire , which is definitely definitely not the case . The problem with thinking this way is that it creates disappointment when sex actually requires effort and planning . It is very typical for most couples to have one partner with more spontaneous desire , meaning they're ready at all times . They'll happily drop everything for a sexual encounter and also another partner with responsive desire , meaning that that takes more time and effort and planning for them to be able to get in the mood . Life , kids , stress and seasons all affect desire and sexuality . That doesn't mean that anything is broken and actually having a spontaneous desire partner and a responsive desire partner creates an equilibrium , because if both partners were spontaneous , not a lot would get done and if both partners were responsive , then it would be difficult to enter into any sexual experiences at all , so that tug and pull between spontaneous and responsive desire , higher and lower desire , is actually equalizing for the couple .

Speaker 0 9:24

Great sex takes communication , intentionality and sometimes scheduling . When I meet with newlywed couples , we talk about lots of different ways to structure and schedule , even though oftentimes it takes a little while to fall into those ruts and routines . But if you learn about these cycles early on , it makes it much easier to implement them in the high stress situations when you're building a business , working on your career , creating a family and keeping a home . I guarantee you're never just going to stumble upon great sexual experiences . They have to be created intentionally , and learning what each partner likes , desires , prefers is a lifelong endeavor and it does require that awkward communication and there are lots and lots of ways to practice doing this .

Speaker 0 10:22

So here's a few things that I wish every newlywed knew

What Every Newlywed Should Know

Speaker 0 10:27

about sex . Number one it's a journey , not a destination . You'll grow together , you'll learn together , you'll experiment and discover and explore , and that's part of the fun of it . Creating your sexual relationship is never a one size fits all . Every single couple is going to do this differently and that's part of the magic . Number two sex is more about connection than it is about performance . If one partner feels like they just have to put out , if you will , you're never going to be able to create the beautiful connection that we all desire .

Speaker 0 11:07

Number three , and this is a big one communication is everything . You can't fix what you don't talk about . You have to be able to communicate with each other about everything surrounding your sexual experiences . I know this is not comfortable for most of us , but doing something like a sex talk Tuesday which is what I always recommend where you're either walking together or driving in the car together , so you don't have that awkward staring into each other's eyes , and you definitely don't want to do it in the bedroom , so find an alternate location to talk about it when you're not in the heat of it and do it regularly . And , last but not least , it gets better over time when you make it a priority . You both have to decide that it's good for your relationship , that it's worth working together to create something that you both enjoy , and I promise you it is such a worthwhile endeavor .

Speaker 0 12:11

The best sex isn't about technique or position or performance . It's about building trust , safety and fun , because when those things are in place , the rest will flow more naturally . So , in closing , if you've ever been weighed down by bad sexual advice or you've just felt like you're not living up to what it should be , I want you to take a deep breath . You're not broken . Your marriage isn't broken . Your spouse isn't broken . You're just operating on bad advice . There is help .

Speaker 0 12:50

Start with the book Bad Marriage Advice , and if you would like a coach to walk you through this ,

Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

Speaker 0 12:56

please reach out to me , monnieatmonicatanercom . Or if you know of newlyweds who are getting ready to get married , my number one piece of advice is to sit down , have a few sessions with a relational life trained coach or therapist like me , and put a plan in place so that sex does not become a problem down the road . You want sex to be a really important , fulfilling and beautiful connecting part of your relationship , but you can only do that when you're operating on good information about it . That's literally why I wrote the book Bad Marriage Advice Debunking Myths that Will Make you Miserable , because operating on bad marriage advice will absolutely make you miserable . And chapter 11 is all about debunking those harmful sexual myths and helping couples build intimacy that's fun , mutual and lasting .

Speaker 0 13:58

Don't forget to go get your copy of the book on October 1st , and be sure you join me next week for a very , very special episode where I'm going to interview my married kids , my oldest son and his wife . They've been married for just over four months and we're going to talk about all of the things they wish they'd known , all of the things they're grateful they knew , and their thoughts about the book . Don't miss that one . We'll see you same time , same place next week and until then , happy marriaging .