Desire Differences are NOT Dealbreakers

This week I explore why desire differences are normal, how pressure shuts things down, and how pursuit and emotional safety rebuild connection. I share the Yes And method, practical scripts, and a simple weekly check-in to help couples design intimacy that works for both of them.

• naming the rejection–pressure cycle
• spontaneous desire vs responsive desire
• why pressure kills desire and pursuit builds it
• safety, choice, and autonomy as turn-ons
• the Yes And method for intimacy talks
• sample pursuit phrases and script swaps
• a 20-minute weekly intimacy check-in
• using green-light lists to set context

Download the Get Lucky Guide at https://monicatanner.com/getlucky

Transcript

Why Desire Differences Matter

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and we are right in the middle of our get lucky series, where we are talking about how to get lucky and specifically how getting lucky isn't about luck at all. Today, I want to talk about our unique differences and why desired differences in a marriage is not a death sentence. And what I really want to emphasize is that desired differences is something that almost every couple experiences, but very few know how to talk about it well. And so my goal with this episode is to help give you the tools so that you can more skillfully discuss your differences in this area. So if I had to guess, you probably experience intimacy very differently than your partner. Am I right? One of you probably wants it more and the other wants it less. And if you don't understand your differences, it can start to feel really personal. It might feel like rejection, like pressure, like incompatibility, but most of the time, let me assure you, it's not incompatibility. It's a misunderstanding. Today we're going to talk about why desire styles are different, why one of you might feel rejected while the other one feels pressured, and how to handle that difference without abandoning yourself. And if you haven't done so already, make sure that you download the get lucky guide by going to monicatanner.com/slash get lucky because it's basically a workbook that's going to help you work through a lot of the things that we're talking about this month. Okay, now for the main event. Let me describe to you the dynamic that I see so often in the couples that I work with. It starts when partner A initiates. Then partner B either hesitates or rejects. Either way, partner A feels rejected, partner B feels pressured, perhaps partner A sulks or initiates less kindly next time, and possibly with more entitlement, and then partner B pulls away even more. This dynamic causes both partners to feel unsafe in the sexual relationship. Partner A thinks if they wanted me, they would make it clear. Partner B thinks if they loved me, they wouldn't put so much pressure on me. They're both hurting, but here's what might actually be happening. They have different wiring. This is described by Emily Nagoski in Come As You Are, which I highly recommend you read as spontaneous desire and responsive desire. So some people experience spontaneous desire, meaning desire shows up first and then they seek connection. So they can be in the middle of any task and they'll feel desire. No time is a bad time. Perhaps you have spontaneous desire and you understand what this feels like. And then there are other people who experience responsive desire, which means that they want connection, safety, and touch first, and then desire shows up later. What this means is that if they're in the middle of a project working on something that's taking their attention or otherwise not thinking about intimacy, they have a long way to go before they're going to feel desire. Now it's important to note that neither of these desire types are superior or broken. In fact, they're both extremely important and they almost always marry each other. And in my opinion, here's why. Imagine if you had two partners with spontaneous desire. They literally would drop anything for sexual intimacy at all times. Literally nothing would get done. Or if you had two partners with responsive desire, they might not ever be able to enjoy sexual intimacy. They'd really have to make it a priority. Ergo, you have a spontaneous partner and a responsive partner, which creates a desire discrepancy. So the spontaneous partner often feels hurt because they can't figure out why their responsive partner doesn't think about sex as often as they do. And you have the responsive partner who thinks, I don't understand how you can think about sex when you're stressed, tired, or emotionally disconnected. Because I certainly can't. And here's where compassionate curiosity changes everything. Instead of focusing on why doesn't my responsive desire partner want me, try asking what makes it easier for your partner with responsive desire to tap into that desire. That question alone will lower their defenses. What makes it easier for you to feel desire? So here's the rub: pressure kills desire, but pursuit builds it up. There's a difference. Pressure sounds like we never have sex anymore. You always say no. You used to want me. What happened to the spark? Now, pursuit sounds very different. It sounds like I miss you. I want to feel close to you. What would make tonight awesome for you? Pressure feels like obligation. Pursuit feels like there's a choice. And desire requires choice. It requires freedom. The boldest stance that you could make as the higher desire or spontaneous desire partner is: I don't want to be intimate unless it feels good for both of us. That immediately builds emotional safety. But then you've got to be willing to back it up. Meaning you've got to be able to handle yourself regardless of what your responsive desire partner decides to do. So the skill I want to talk about in this episode is the same skill we talked about last month when we talked about compassionate curiosity, because it works to build emotional intimacy just as it works really well to build sexual intimacy as well. And that is the yes and method. So when we were talking about conflict, we talked about the power of yes and, meaning two things can be true at the same time. We don't have to agree, but we want to come to an understanding. So we take out the word but and put in the word and. Now here's how this works around intimacy conversations. You say things like, yes, I hear that you want to have sex more frequently, and I need to feel emotionally connected to you first. Yes, I know that you feel rejected by me sometimes. And I feel pressured when you initiate late at night and I'm exhausted. Or yes, I do feel rejected sometimes. And I want to honor your decision either way. So even in sexual intimacy, two truths can be true at the same time. Remember that understanding your partner doesn't mean surrendering your choice. It means I see your internal logic and I probably feel differently. And that's okay. When both partners feel seen, emotional safety goes up, and so does the ability to collaborate and create a sexual relationship that you both love, which is the ultimate goal. So if this is hitting home with you, if this sounds good, here's what I want you to do this week. Number one, download the get lucky guide because in there I literally walk you step by step by step through some exercises that are going to help you not only build emotional safety like we talked about last week, but also get a very clear understanding of how you're wired differently and what's going to help create experiences that are great for both of you. Inside it, I'm gonna walk you through desired differences, green light conversations, the yes and script template, and I'm gonna give you a 20-minute weekly intimacy check-in, which I think is crucial for all couples. Just an example of one of the prompts you're gonna find inside the get lucky guide is what makes you feel pursued and what makes you feel pressured. Understanding those intricacies in your partner alone will change everything about your intimate connection. Because the reality is that you don't get lucky because your wiring matches perfectly or because you both want it in the same way at the same time. You get lucky because you understand how each of you are wired. Remember that compassionate curiosity, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy, is so sexy. And leading with emotional safety instead of shame, which is what most of us do, that will change everything for you. So, what we've talked about so far is creating the conditions by curating emotional safety and then understanding your differences and specifically how each one of you are wired. Next week, we're gonna talk about play fantasy and introducing novelty without all of the insecurity that can come with it. And between now and then, I want you to be working on your get lucky guide because there's literally nothing sexier than curiosity that leads to collaboration. So I will be here same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriages.