You Are Not Broken, You Are Stuck In A Pattern

Today, I'm responding to a listener who’s doing the work to reconnect but still feels a lingering disconnect with his partner. I show how protective patterns keep couples stuck, then share a simple three-step way to interrupt the loop and get back to real closeness. 

• why a relationship can feel off even with effort 
• how protective patterns form through hurt and unmet needs 
• the “adaptive child” and losing strategies like defensiveness or retaliation 
• naming the pattern so we fight the loop, not each other 
• slowing down in real time to interrupt tension 
• translating criticism into the vulnerable need underneath 
• building lasting connection through awareness and shared language 

Go check out my 14-day Hotter Together challenge at: https://monicatanner.com/hotter. 

If this episode resonated with you, send it to your partner or set a time to listen to it together. 

I’d love to hear what you’ve decided to name your pattern, so send me an email or reach out on social.

Transcript

Spring Check-In And A Challenge

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and we are halfway through April. It's wigging me out a little bit. I can't believe how fast time is going. And I'm absolutely loving the spring weather. I'm loving the messages I'm getting from you guys about what you're doing to create quick wins in your marriage. And I'm so excited about it that I actually created a really cool 14-day challenge. So if you're feeling like you could use a step-by-step, really fun, simple roadmap back to each other, I want you to go check out my 14-day better together challenge. You're gonna do this by going to monicatanner.com slash better. And I created this little challenge because sometimes we just need a little prompting and simple daily tasks that will help us reconnect, re-engage, and reignite the passion we once felt for each other. So this is by no means a fix-all solution. But if you're just feeling like your relationship is in a little bit of a rut and you could use a little bit of a boost or a lot of bit of a boost, go check out the Better Together challenge. I guarantee you will not regret it. In today's episode, I want to address an email I got from a listener after last week's episode where they asked, What if I'm really trying? And I initiate a reset and we still feel off. This is a common occurrence where couples I talk to still feel disconnected even when they're trying to reconnect. So last week we talked about how to reset your relationship, how to get out of the rut that you're in, get clear on what you want, and then create a small win. So if you actually tried it, first of all, I'm super proud of you. And if you're not 100% happy with your results, today's episode is for you. Because sometimes what happens is couples start to make small changes and then they wonder, why isn't this feeling better yet? Or why do we keep slipping back into the same old patterns? Or even sometimes we think, is it just us? Are we incompatible? Are we doing something wrong? I want to assure you, you're not broken, the relationship's not broken, but perhaps there is something still in the way. So today we're gonna talk about why you might feel disconnected even when both of you are trying. And I'm gonna tell you what to do about it. So here's what a lot of people don't always realize. When you're interacting with your partner, you're part of a dynamic. And a lot of times where we end up butting heads or feeling like things are really strained or not working the way we are hoping that they would work, it's because we're part of a protective pattern, one that was built over time through misunderstandings, unmet needs, hurt feelings, and repeated conflict that hasn't been repaired. So now when you're trying to connect with each other, sometimes it feels critical or guarded, or one or both of you is hesitant, or you're secretly keeping score or harboring a lot of resentment. So here's what happens: you reach for each other and then you feel like it doesn't land because that protective pattern, that hesitancy, is running the show. We call this in relational life therapy your adaptive child. And here's what this looks like in real life. Maybe one partner says, Hey, can we spend some more time together this week? That's a legitimate bid for connection. But underneath, they're secretly afraid of getting rejected. They've got some resentment from some past hurts, and they have a story that sounds like you don't prioritize me. So it comes out with a little bit of an edge, and the other person hears, I'm failing again. I'm not enough for you, or I'm about to get in trouble again. So they pull back or they get defensive, and now you're right back in that destructive dynamic that doesn't feel good to either of you. Not because the desire to connect was wrong or bad, but because sometimes the delivery or the interpretation is filtered through that adaptive child. So I'm not gonna get all psychoeducational in this episode. I just wanna give you really simple steps that will help you break that dynamic. So here they are. Step one, name the pattern together. Because if you want that reset from last week to actually stick, you have to start seeing the pattern as the problem and not each other. So instead of feeling or saying things like, you always shut down or you're so critical, we've gotta shift the story or the narrative to, hey, I think we got stuck in a loop where I reach out, it comes out a little bit wrong, and then you pull away and I feel even more alone. We call that the more the more. The more I reach for you imperfectly, the more you pull away, and the more I feel left alone. So now, having named that, that's the pattern we get stuck in. So we've got the pattern instead of the other person as the problem. And this one shift changes everything. Now, here's a little bit of a bonus. I'm from Texas, and I can be a little bit of a firecracker sometimes. My losing strategy is retaliation, which means if you hurt my feelings, I'm going to try to make you feel that pain right back. That's not something I'm generally proud of, but I'm grateful that I'm aware enough of it that I can catch it. And now my husband, who knows all about it, can catch it as well. So oftentimes I don't have to fire back in a painful way. I go, oh, there's that tendency I have. Something that just happened felt hurtful, and I want to retaliate, but I'm gonna choose something different. This pattern that invites my husband into his losing strategy, we now lovingly refer to as Texas tornado. Because again, I'm from Texas and my little Texas tornado is a line from a country song that my husband and I both love. So when that pattern starts to happen, one of us or both of us can quickly go, oop, there's that Texas tornado. And it gives us just enough time to decide in that moment to do something different and break that pattern that we're both fighting against. So that brings us to step two. I gave you the cheat code. Name the pattern something that you both recognize or feel connected to. And as you move into step two, you're slowing it down enough to catch it in the interaction. So when you feel that moment, when the tone starts to shift and the tension creeps in, and you're feeling the need to defend or protect yourself instead of connect to your partner, instead of pushing through, I want you to pause, pause and think, hmm, this feels like a tornado brewing. And you can even say something like, I think I'm doing that thing again, where I get critical when I actually just want to feel close to you. Or wait, I can feel myself starting to shut down. Can we try this again? That's what I call interrupting the pattern in real time. And yes, it'll feel awkward at first, but if you can give it a name that you both recognize, like Texas Tornado, it's usually enough to take a breath and make a choice. Is this how I want to proceed? Or do I want to try something different? And in that moment of pause, step three is to think about or translate the need that's underneath that losing strategy. So remember that every reactive behavior, every knee-jerk reaction, every losing strategy has something softer, more vulnerable underneath. But most couples only respond to the reaction and not the desire. So your job in that moment of pause or during step two is to start thinking about what is my partner actually trying to tell me. So instead of hearing something critical like you're always on your phone, I want you to try and translate that to I miss you. I want to spend some uninterrupted time with you. And I feel like the phone is in the way of that right now. Now, literally, this can go either way. Instead of saying you're always on the phone, try saying I miss you. And I'd really love to spend some uninterrupted time with you. But if your partner is not in a place where they can say it that way, try to duck under their delivery and translate what they're really saying. Another example is you never help around the house. Again, maybe your partner is having a bad day and their delivery was wrong. But if you can slow it down and hear something like, I feel overwhelmed and I would love your support. We're gonna hope that your partner will say it that way next time, but you can choose to hear it that way. So, real quickly to review, those steps are number one, name the pattern together. Use a phrase you both recognize. Step two, slow it down. As soon as you recognize that you're starting down that same road, see if you can't take a breath, take a moment, and make a different choice. And step three, see if you can recognize the need or duck under the delivery, or say it in a way that really gets across what you need instead of what you're mad about. Okay, so if you tried the reset last week and you're still bumping up against the same dynamic that the two of you get stuck in, just remember it could be because that dynamic is really locked into place. And this simple three-step system can help you loosen that just a little bit. Notice the pattern, name it together, slow it down in the moment, and then look for the need underneath. That's how you move from surface level change to real lasting connection. And I want to leave you with this. You're not gonna get it right every time. I don't get it right every time, even though my job is to point this out to couples. I'm really good at seeing it in other people, but it's so much harder to see myself. A lot of times it is my husband that points out that we're in the eye of the Texas tornado. And the fact that we've done this work and he can recognize that is such a gift to me. I want to leave you with this one thought. The way that you build connection is by becoming more aware of your reactions, of the interactions and the effect that you have on each other, and the pattern or dynamic that the two of you get stuck in. When you get more cued in to what's happening inside of you and what's happening between you, and that moment of choice where you have the opportunity to do something different, that's where everything starts to shift. And then you'll start saying things like, ooh, there's that little retaliation again, and you'll know that your partner is dead on. And when my husband points that out to me, I know it's not because he doesn't love me or doesn't care or he's trying to be mean to me. It's because he loves me, he knows me, and he can feel the storm coming on. And that little bit of awareness is a massive game changer because when we catch that pattern before it blows through and causes a lot of destruction, we can stop it dead in its tracks. It's a team effort and it's super worth it. So if this episode resonated with you, send it to your partner or set a time to listen to it together. I try to keep these episodes short and give you really tangible tools and takeaways that you can use right away. I'd love to hear what you've decided to name your pattern. So send me an email or reach out on social. And as always, I'll be here same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriaging.