You Can Be Right Or You Can Hold Hands

In this week's episode, I name the messy middle of a relationship reset and explain why falling into an old fight can be evidence of growth instead of failure. I'm sharing a simple three-step framework to help us respond differently, protect connection, and build a stronger couple identity through repair. 

• reframing “nothing’s changing” as an opportunity to do it differently 
• treating the return of conflict as the work rather than a setback 
• shifting from reacting to taking responsibility without shame or blame 
• using the power question: how do I want to respond differently 
• moving from winning the argument to protecting the connection 
• using the power question: how do I protect us right now 
• focusing on who we are becoming as a couple instead of “is this working” 
• modelling rupture and repair so kids learn healthy relationship skills 
• breaking generational dysfunction and trauma through consistent repair 

Make sure you're sending these episodes to your partner and start having these conversations together. I would love to hear about your experiences with the relationship reset.

Get help by downloading my FREE Get Lucky Guide here --> https://monicatanner.com/getlucky

Transcript

Welcome And Series Context

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and this month we've been doing a series on how to do a relationship reset and then what to do when you're both trying, but it still feels like it's not working. And today I want to talk about how to make changes that actually stick and why this is important. So before we start, I just want to acknowledge that if you've been listening the past couple of weeks, hopefully you've tried to make a few changes in that pattern or dynamic that gets you guys stuck. And maybe you've had a few good moments together and then you found yourself in that same old fight or that same old pattern. And here's what I want you to hear about that. This does not mean that the relationship reset or the work you're doing isn't working. And it definitely doesn't mean that something's wrong with your relationship. What it means is that you're in the middle of changing something. They call this the messy middle. It means you've become aware of something that needs a reset and you're making an effort to do something differently. And here's what I see happen so much of the time. You start trying to make changes, maybe you communicate a little bit better, you've connected for a few days, and things start to feel hopeful. And then boom, one of you gets triggered, that old fight resurfaces, and you feel stuck again in that same pattern that you're trying to get rid of. And here's what couples start to say to themselves see, nothing's changing. We're right back where we started. Maybe there's no hope for us. And that story, those sentences is the thing that actually keeps you stuck. Because once you start to think that, here we are, back where we started, nothing has changed, you stop trying. So here's how I want you to rewrite that familiar narrative. Instead of we're right back where we started, see, nothing has changed, I want you to say, oh, here is an opportunity to do this differently. This is an opportunity to become a different couple, to change the pattern or dynamic that we keep getting stuck in. Because what is happening when you get back into that old fight or that old pattern is not a setback. It's actually the work. So the actual work of becoming a different, stronger, healthier couple is not all of a sudden becoming a couple that's perfect with no conflict. It's learning how to come back together and repair again and again and again. That's the skill, that's the difference. So instead of focusing on never having that problem again, we shift our focus to who do we want to be when this problem shows up? Because it will. And the two of you are going to figure out how to do it differently next time. So, in the spirit of the episodes that have gone before this, I am going to give you a simple three-step framework for how to get through the messy middle. Are you ready? We're going to have to shift some thoughts that are going to come up when you get back into that same old conflict. Shift number one is to go from reacting to taking responsibility without shame or blame. So this is where the good stuff starts. In the moment when you feel triggered back into that same old cycle, the one where you do the thing and your partner does the thing, and you want to blame or shut down or defend yourself. The power question is how do I want to respond differently? This is where we take accountability for our part of the dynamic, not our partners. Our part of the dynamic. I want to be really clear. This is not about recognizing, oh, there's that thing you do. This is about taking ownership of here's that thing that I do. It sounds like, hey, I'm getting reactive right now. I can feel myself shutting down. Or that came out a little more harsh than I meant it. Do you feel the difference? It's not attacking and it's not defending. It's staying connected to yourself so you can stay connected to your partner rather than severing the connection. And that's what's going to change the emotional tone or environment of your relationship. It's taking ownership for your side of the dynamic. And instead of reacting, it's responding. All right, step number two, it's going to be making the shift from winning the argument to protecting the connection. So my mentor, Terry Real, says, you can be right or you can be connected, but not both. Because most of us in that moment of conflict or tension, we want to win. We want to be right. Our strategy is to either win the argument, make the point, or be right. And here's the problem with that. You may win the argument, but you'll lose the connection. So the big power question here is how do I protect us right now? It's not you versus me, but us versus the pattern. It may look like you softening your tone, taking a breath, or reaching for their hand instead of trying to prove your point. Because connection requires safety. And if one of you or both of you is working to protect the connection, it will create safety. And once safety is established, you can move on to the third step, which is where you stop asking, is this working? And you start thinking about who are we becoming as a couple. It's shifting the focus from strategy to identity because this is a long game. If you keep evaluating your relationship on whether or not you're making mistakes, misstepping, having conflict, you'll stay in an emotional roller coaster. So instead, I want you to anchor yourself to the identity. We are a couple that knows how to be on the same side as teammates against the pattern. We know how to repair. We don't stay stuck. Even when it's messy, even when it's imperfect, and even when we have to try again. This is who you're becoming. These are the moments when resilience and intimacy and trust are really strengthened. Not by being perfect, not by being without conflict, but by knowing how to repair or try again when that same conflict comes back. And this matters more than you might think. Because I want you to zoom out for a second. The reason why we're doing this work on the relationship isn't necessarily for us. It is for us and it benefits us. But the greater gift we're giving is to our children. Because so much of what you do in your relationship and how you think about your relationship, every interaction, every rupture, and every repair is modeling something to the little people that are watching you. Your kids will learn from you what a healthy relationship looks like. They'll learn what conflict looks like. And more important than anything else, they'll learn what to do when things get tough. They'll learn what repair looks like. And for most of us, modeling healthy relational skills like repair is something that we did not see growing up. I know that most of us want more connection, more safety, more emotional health than we saw growing up. But that doesn't come from being perfect or not making any mistakes or not ever getting caught in a conflict. It comes from watching two people who love each other mess up over and over and over again, own their mistakes, and then repair. That's what will change what you're handing down to your children. So if it feels hard, if it feels messy, if it feels like you're trying, but you're still not getting it right, good. You're in the thick of it. You're in the messy middle and you're doing the work that most people avoid. And it's the most important gift we can give to ourselves and our kids. And I'm so excited for next week, where I'm going to have my friend Eli Harwood as a guest talking about her new book, How to Deal with Your Stuff So Your Kids Don't Have To. Because this matters more than just the moment we're in. This is how we break generational dysfunction and trauma. I get so passionate about it. I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you for joining me week after week. And if this series on resetting your relationship, learning how to orient yourselves against the pattern has resonated with you, make sure you're sending these episodes to your partner and start having these conversations together. And if you take nothing else from this episode, remember you don't have to do it perfectly. You just have to learn how to repair. All right, I'll be here same time, same place with my friend Eli. And until then, happy marriaging.