Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome. Today in today's episode, we are gonna talk about getting out of a toxic relationship. And today, we have Janiyah on here.
She's a 17 year old young woman from Amsterdam. If you've listened to this podcast, you've heard from her before, and you're definitely gonna hear a lot more from her. I wanted you to know that she is the one that actually approached me about having this conversation, on the air. I did not ask her to come on and and tell her story, but she she really wanted to come out and talk to all of you and tell her story and hope that it can help other young women like herself. And I'm really proud of her for being willing to open up to others like that because that can be a little bit of little bit hard to do, but she she wanted to do this.
And I want you to know that she's really truly coming from her heart, and wants to help people. So how are you doing today, Janiyah? Great. Good. So let's dive right in.
Obviously, you were in a toxic relationship and you got out of it. Tell the listeners, what did the toxic relationship that you were in look like? It was it was very mentally abusive. When I say mentally abusive, he, when it when we got into problems, he didn't it was a lack of communication. He would just always give me, like, the cold shoulder, just push me away.
He'll say, like, very hurtful things like, oh my god. You're so freaking annoying. Go away. I don't care. Shut the up.
Shut up. Shut up. There's a lot of anger. Also, insecurities. When I say insecurities, he will say, no.
You can't wear this. You can't do that. You can't you can't go to that place. You're not allowed to do this. Like, very, very controlling.
Mhmm. And it it's just a lot. Okay. I think it's important to mention those details because I'm pretty sure there's listeners out there right now who are in that situation. And we hear the word toxic all the time, but I think it's overused so much that it has lost its meaning.
So that's why I asked you to be specific about what what is what was toxic about it. And how long were you in this relationship? It was two years. I was in there for two years. And you're 17 now?
Yes. I met I met him when I was 15. Oh, man, I was 15. I'm 17. So it was two years.
Yep. That's a long time, especially at your age. That's like a million years. Right? Yeah.
I know, you know, nine months was a million years when I was, like, a teenager. So I know that two years is two million years. So you were in it. Now I would like you to tell the audience, how did that make you feel? I felt like I felt like crap.
I felt like I was no one. I had very little self esteem because he would tell me things like, no. You're you're dumb. You're wrong. Look at the way how you're thinking.
See, that don't make sense. So it's like, I'm thinking like something's really, really wrong with me. But then right after I, you know, left him and a few months later, it took me to process it, but I also realized, like, there was nothing wrong with me. It was wrong something was something was wrong with the way how he talks to me and and communicates with me, and I realized, like, he was not the one for me. Oh, it's more than just not being for you.
Yeah. That in a moment. Because sometimes people are like, oh, he's the one for me. If he's not treating you like you value like you're valuable Mhmm. He's not the one for you or anybody else.
I did not see my the reason why I stayed with him for a long time because I didn't I didn't have no value. I didn't see my value. That's what I meant. And I didn't know my I didn't know my worth, but then I end up finding it. And yeah.
So you were in it for two years. Tell people, how did you get out of it? So, I was talking to miss Bey about it. I was, you know, was venting to her about all the things that he did and what was going on and how I got treated. So at the end of our conversation, she prayed to God saying she prayed to God hoping any toxic people will, like, get away from me.
Like, just she told God, can you if there's anyone in a toxic household or anything that anyone is bothering her, just plea like, get it away from me. And then two days later, he was gone. Yes. And and to to the audience, to be specific, I ask that for god to remove any person, place, or thing that's in her life that doesn't belong there. I didn't specifically say get that guy out of her life even though I knew that he didn't need to be there.
But me see if I had said it that way, I may have just pushed Janiyah away because you might have been right? Am I right, Janiyah? Yep. You might have been like, you just trying to get me to get rid of my boyfriend. Yeah.
Right? And even though I knew he was no good for you and he needed to be gone, I needed needed it to happen in a way that you were, consenting with it and a part of that and not just me talking at you as an adult. Yes. Because that's very ineffective for people. Yes.
And so what happened? I prayed and then two days later, he was poof, gone. Yeah. And he said, you know what? I'm done with you.
Don't I never ever ever wanna talk to you ever again. So, like, you know, the garbage just took itself out. That's, like, really what happened. I didn't mean to clap so loud, but I just love the way you just said that, but you're right. The I the garbage took itself out.
You're abs this is why I love you. You're absolutely right. The garbage took itself out. Now I prayed for you on a Thursday, and this happened on a Saturday night. And let me tell y'all, I got a text from her Saturday evening.
She's literally said to me, he just broke up with me. Do you think god that was god answering a prayer? I had to laugh for about five minutes before I replied to her because I was like, girl, that's specifically what just happened and then she told me this situation and and he broke up with her over something absolutely silly and ridiculous. But that wasn't really the point. How he broke up with you wasn't the point, but just the fact that he was now out of your life was the answer to the prayer.
How was it after the breakup? Because that's what I really want people to understand, what that how did you what happened between now and then? After, don't get me wrong, like, the way I'm good now, it wasn't then. I was very confused. I was very sad.
I was very heartbroken. I was just I couldn't I I couldn't process. I'm like, damn. He he's really not in my life. I don't know what I'm gonna do, what I'm gonna do without him.
Months later, I'm doing good without him. I'm doing what I need to supposed to be doing. I'm back on track, like, back on track. And, also, when I was with him and after we broke up, I was still, like I couldn't focus because it's like I was so used to being with him. But then, you know, weeks and months, I started to, like, do way, way better.
And all I can really say, you just have to, like, give it time. You're never gonna get over someone that you truly love like this. You have to, like, give it time, and it's okay to still love the love the person. You know? I still love Gigi, but I will never go back with I I will never give back with Gigi because I I chose peace.
I love I love myself way too much to put myself back in that situation. Yes. And it's you don't have no idea how much it warms my heart to hear that those words out of your mouth when months ago, I was concerned about you going back to him because, unfortunately, that's quite common. Yeah. What I wanna point out to the audience and and kinda reiterate, what Janiyah is saying is that when she first got him out of her life, when the garbage took itself out, She wanted to go back part of her wanted to go back to the store.
I did. I did. Like, I was fighting the urge to not text Gigi. I'm like, should I call him? Should I should I try to work this out?
And something just told me, like, no. What? Just keep going. Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it. Don't do it. And then when I got when my mind got used to not talking to him, I was doing I was doing, like, pretty pretty good. And I think that's an important thing to point out because just because you have an emotional attachment to someone, quote, unquote, funny love, doesn't mean that they're good for you or that that that attachment is good. You know?
It's it's kinda like if you were used to sitting in poop all day, you're used to the smell of poop. It's familiar. It's comfortable. Doesn't mean you need to sit in shit all day. Right?
Yes. Yes. And that's what it's like being in a toxic relationship. You're sitting you're sitting in a pile of poop. Yes.
And one of my reason one of this was, like, one of the main reasons why I had a emotional attachment to him was because, you know, he was my he was my first he was my first everything. Was it first everything? It's the first boy kiss. And then the first boy, I had sex with I'm not proud of that, but, you know, I learned from my mistakes. And what I did was bad, but I have to accept that and learn from it.
So it's not about how you start. It's always about how you finish things. You have you have to accept what you did was bad, put it behind you, and make sure you don't make the same mistake and become a better version of your of yourself. And that and to anyone that's watching this, please be careful who you give your body to because it can cause a lot of problems. And having sex losing your virginity, it it it's no rush.
It's it's no rush at all. I'm telling I'm telling you this. You're you're not missing nothing. You're you're literally not missing nothing at all. You wanna give that to someone that would truly love you, truly cherish you, not someone not a fuck boy or a hoe.
You don't wanna you don't wanna give that to someone, someone that's not mature. Mhmm. Now I want y'all to know that, Janiyah, when we had a conversation about doing this episode, I did not plant any of that in her head. She said that to me, and I wanted to reach out and hug her. It it's just like she said that to me, and I think it's important if you're a young woman out there and you've already given yourself to some jerk, somebody who doesn't really care about you.
You can't go back and change that because some of y'all have and you feel bad about it. And I know that there's lots of girls out there listening right now where that's the case. And, you know, don't just take it from my mouth. Take it from, you know, Janaya. She's 17.
She I'm not a teenager. I did it when I was 15. Not I'm not proud of it. I'm pretty sure some some girls did it at 15 or even younger. But, you know, please please save yourself.
Save yourself. Like, it just because when you keep having when you keep having sex with the person, you're gonna get more and more and more attached, and don't do it. And, also, when once when you are very young and once you have sex, it's it's it's very hard for you to stop. Because, you know, us teenagers and young adults, we have we're still growing. We have hormones.
We have hormones that make you wanna do that stuff. So once you got a taste of it, you're like, oh, okay. I like this. I wanna do it again and again and again and again. And some people get so blind of the sex, but get blind of get so blind of the sex, and sometimes they don't even realize that they're in a toxic relationship.
Yes. And that and let me tell you, if you're an adult listening, I know half of y'all just related to what she just said because it's not just true with teenagers. There's some adults dealing with situations like that, right now. What do you think, now you did you got out of that relationship. What do you think it would've looked like had you stayed in that relationship or held on after the breakup?
Because some people break up technically, but then they still keep holding on to the person. So what do you think it would look like if you had held on or stayed in? I woulda still woulda been, like, texting him and calling him and, like, checking up on his page and Mhmm. Everything. I was still I was, like, I would still, like, wonder like, I would still wanna be with him, but what I did was when after it does see, he done really messed up stuff to me.
But what I did was in order for me to truly get over it, I forgive him. I didn't tell him, hey. I forgive you what you did. I, like, said it to myself. I'm like, you know what?
He done this to me. He did this. But you know what? I freak I forgive. I forgive Gigi.
And then after that, it's like a weight just got off my shoulders and Wow. I think that is a critical, critical, critical piece of you having your own peace about it and being able to get over it instead of staying under it. Mhmm. Because what a lot of people do is they'll get out of a toxic relationship, but then they'll stay under it. Yeah.
They hold the grudge and stuff. Over it. Yeah. Yes. And and and, you know, and I I get it.
I get it because I when people hurt people I love, I wanna do things that are illegal. But, you know, but at the end of the day, the you have to if you forgive them, it actually helps you. Right. It doesn't matter if they accept it or not or what they think. And you don't even have to tell them.
You can tell it yourself. You can like, for me, how I express myself, I I, like, I talk to myself. I have a cold converse like, I have I had a whole conversation with myself. I could do it in a room. I could walk outside, have a conversation with myself.
I go to the park. Do like, that's what I that's what I that's what I did. I just talked I just talked to myself. And I'm like, you know what? I forgive Gigi.
You you you guys can do that as well or if you guys wanna write or whatever, but you don't have to rush. You you don't have to rush it. When you're ready to forgive the person, that's when you do it. But my just remind, don't tell them. Yes.
I I completely agree. Sometimes telling them might not be the best thing. It's not. If you can and and it'll be received, then great. But I know that in a lot of situations, that's not that's not reality.
Yes. So I think it's important that you pointed that out. And I'm so glad that you, like you said, you can't even imagine what it would have been like if you stayed. I can't. I'm really glad you didn't.
And, I'm glad that, I'm also glad that, I also wanna point out the fact that Janiyah didn't just do this by herself. I mean, she did it by herself, but she also had had me to somebody to talk to about it. And that's so important. Now she had me, you might not have me. You might have a a friend, a family member, you know, a teacher at school.
Whoever it is for you, it's so important that somebody's got your back in those weak moments, who can encourage you to not step backwards. And you need to have someone in your life that you can open up to. Right, Janae? Yes. And, also, I also wanted to point this out.
Gigi, he will also make me do stuff that I normally don't do. Like, for instance, he'll try to pressure me to smoke and drink and skip school. I did the smoking. I did the, the skip in school and not and, he because the reason why he was getting me to do that stuff because he left that stuff and he don't go to school. And you guys wanna you guys wanna date someone or be around someone that has a plan, that that's that's a good influence because that's a good influencer because if not, they're gonna make you turn into them, and you you don't you don't want that.
You don't want that because with him not going to school, him smoking was rubbing that on me, and I was slowly turning into him. But then one day, I snapped back to who I am, and I don't do that anymore. So if someone says if someone wants to pressure you to pressure you to do something, get away from them. Get away from them as soon as possible. That leads into what I was gonna ask.
What is your advice for, young women who are who are in the same situation you were in, and maybe they wanna get out, or maybe they just got out and they're so tempted to jump back in, you know, with the the same guy. What's your advice to them? My advice to anyone that just left their relationship or is thinking about getting into a relationship, think of it think of it as a book. You're gonna get the same beginning. You're gonna get the same ending.
It's not gonna end good. You wanna get a new book that's gonna have you're gonna a new ending. I mean, a new beginning and a new ending. Because why put yourself through that? It's not it's it's not worth it.
It's not worth it. And the only person you're hurting is yourself. He knows he knows where she he or he or she knows that they're hurting you. They know what they're doing, but you you you can't control on how they treat you or what they do to you. But you can choose how you're gonna deal with it.
If you're gonna stay, then you're hurting yourself. But if you're gonna get out of it, you're gonna get a you're gonna get a you're gonna you're gonna better your you'll be better yourself. A toxic relationship is also like trying to start a new diet. When you eat junk food, you're not you're not gonna get good results. You're gonna get diabetes or high blood pressure, obesity.
But if you start eating good for yourself and start exercising, you're gonna lose weight. You're gonna have a lot of you're gonna have a lot of good stuff. You you're gonna have a lot of good things that's happening to your body, and you don't have won't have to deal with that when you're won't have to deal with that when you're, like, when you're aging. Wow. I'm telling you.
I said this about her in the previous episode. Yeah. I told you, Janiyah is, she's 17, but she's as wise as as an adult. Some of the stuff that I hear coming out of her mouth is stuff that I you know, people don't figure out until they're 40 and 50 sometimes. And a lot of what she just said, again, I didn't put that in her head.
She came at me with this. And, I also wanna point out something that she said earlier, but I think it's important to point out a large part of keeping yourself from going back into the same swamp pit of a relationship that you were in was the fact that you started to recognize your own value. Yes. At first Do you think do you think that not had knowing your own value is why you got into the relationship in the first place? Yes.
Yes. Because, guys, I was 15. I was I was all over the place because that's because, you know, when I was when I was in ninth grade, it was COVID and stuff. But during COVID, you had the option to either stay home or do it in person. So I got I was happy.
I'm like, oh my god. I have a little boyfriend now. Blah blah blah blah. He's like, saying, yeah. Let's do this.
Let's have sex. Let's do all of this. And I'm like, yeah. Okay. I thought that was cool, but it's not it's not cool.
And I didn't know who I was, and I just let someone Mhmm. Just so let's like, I just let someone pressure me into doing something that I didn't wanna do because I was trying to fit in, trying to impress this person that don't truly care about me. Right. Well, there's so much more we could talk about in this conversation, and there's there is more we're going to, talk about in the future. But, Janiyah, I really, really thank you for bringing this up and wanting to come on and have this conversation.
And I'm hoping that it really does help people, who are out there maybe in the same situation to know that it is possible because you were able to do it. Yes. And, again, I really am so proud of you for being willing to be so open. And I know it's not easy to do that, but and your willingness to help other people is amazing. Yes.
Thank you. You're welcome. And now for a mind shifting moment. If you're listening today and you identify with a lot of what Janiah said, you might be in a toxic relationship yourself. And maybe you want to get out.
I hope you do. I hope you know that you have more value than those who don't value you. If you are in a toxic relationship and you want to get out, maybe you need help. And that's okay. Believe it or not, there are people around you who you probably don't realize will help you.
If you are in need of help right now, go to FatimaBay.com. Go to the other help page. At the bottom, you can click on a link, put in your state and city, and see what help there is around you. I hope that you got something out of today's episode and that you tune in next week for more. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast.
Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit fatimabay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.
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