My Children Were Molested Right Under My Nose (Episode 35)

🎧 For parents who've discovered the unthinkable - your child was sexually abused by someone you trusted. In this raw, unflinching episode, a mother shares her gut-wrenching journey after learning her husband had been molesting their children, offering hope and guidance for parents navigating this devastating reality.

Through honest dialogue, she walks us through her experience from discovery to action, providing crucial insights for parents facing similar trauma.

This essential episode explores:

• The initial shock and how to keep functioning for your children's sake
• Navigating the immediate steps: police, child services, and protecting your kids
• Dealing with family fallout and managing your own trauma while supporting your children
• Working with law enforcement and the justice system
• Finding the right therapeutic support for your children and yourself
• Rebuilding trust and safety in your home
• Long-term healing strategies for the entire family

Perfect for: Parents dealing with child sexual abuse trauma, family members supporting affected loved ones, professionals working with traumatized families, and anyone seeking to understand how families survive and heal from profound betrayal.

Transcript

Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome, everyone. Today's episode, as you saw by the title, is a very serious one. We have today with us Susan m Patterson, and she's the mother who had her children.

I believe it was three children, that were molested by her husband. And we're gonna talk about what it's like to be the parent of the molested. We talk about the molestation victims a lot, but I don't see a lot of conversations talking about the parents' perspective and those who've had to do it, and it was right under their nose, so to speak. So I will go dive right in. And, Susan, tell us tell us your story.

Okay. I met and married a man who seemed to be the perfect guy. And for three years, we had a terrific relationship. He was we had a blended family, and he he just handled all the kids so well. And we all me and my kids, his kids, him, we all got along great.

We did a lot of things together. It was wonderful. And then it changed. He I don't want to give drinking as an excuse, but drinking precipitated the way he became. Mhmm.

He became verbally abusive to me and the kids. And it got so bad that we we all just try to avoid being around him. And then he became physically abusive. He would get angry at things like medical care. The kids, I spent too much money on doctor bills and dental visits, things that go with having kids.

Mhmm. He got so angry that the kids locked themselves in a room one night, and he kicked the door open. So we were all pretty intimidated. And the atmosphere in the home became it was just bad, not good. And things were always out of kilter.

And I thought it was because of his drinking and his anger issues. And a couple of years into that, I got a call at work from a counselor, and she said, you need to come in right now. I have your daughter in my office, and we need to talk. And, you know, when you knows you just know something really bad is about to happen. That's, pardon me, that's how I felt.

So by the time I got into the, parked the car, walked down the sidewalk, walked all the way down the hall and got into the counselor's office, she shut the door, And she just jumped right in and said, your daughter has accused your husband of, molesting her. And I sat down. I didn't know what to say. And I looked at her, my daughter, and I said, what do we do now? And the counselor, her next question was not because she thought I was lying or or my daughter was lying.

And the counselor's next question was not in a way that she thought I was lying or anybody was lying, but it was one of surprise. You believe her? Wow. And later, I came to realize that was because most the vast majority of parents who are called in for that reason just don't believe their kid. Mhmm.

But I my my child wouldn't lie about something like that, and I knew it. And in my mind, which at this point was racing, suddenly, I kinda saw that the the disharmony, the the anger, the way the kids acted at home, they just would hide. I suddenly understood. It wasn't just me who was getting battered. It was it was much worse than that.

And so I I took her. I took We left the school, and the counselor had given me the name of a counselor. And so the counselor did everything she was supposed to do, and, I took my child to a friend's house. And then I went home, and I told him to leave. And he started to get angry and violent, and I told him that I've already called the police.

They're on their way. And you can either stay here and get arrested, or you can leave now. So he that scared him, and he left. And I never let him in the house again after that. That's some it's a pretty heavy day, I would say.

Yeah. What was your next thought? Now he's out of the house. What now? I sat down and made a list of things to do, like call the counselor and Mhmm.

This and that. And by this time, I was just shaking all over. And Yeah. I, I started throwing things against the wall. Mhmm.

And after a while, I, I just kinda sat in the middle of the kitchen and cried for a while. And then I told myself that, I had to get it together for my kids because the counselor had mentioned that if he molested one, he probably molested the others. Right. So, we had a family meeting, and the other kids said, yeah. And so then we had to Can I ask how old were the kids at the time?

At the time, they were 14, 15, and 16, I believe. Okay. And then we had to troop down to the police station, and everybody had to make a statement. And I just remember the walls in the police station were very nauseatingly green. But the the police officers were kind.

They, which I have since learned is not always the case. So Right. Right. We were blessed in that regard. And then we all went home, and we ordered pizza.

And the next day, we stayed home from school and work, and we tried to figure out how to live, how to take the next step. Did you have the did you ask questions? How did the conversation go? Did you initiate the conversation? Were they afraid to talk?

Yeah. They were afraid to talk because he was an incredibly good manipulator. I believe. He was an incredibly he was very good. And for for years, he had been making them the things he would say and do would intimidate them to the point where they literally could not tell me, could not tell anybody.

And, finally, the young one spoke up. And, I have to say, I totally had no idea. I knew things were out of balance, out of whack, but I thought it was because of the drinking and the abusiveness. I didn't think it was it never crossed my mind it could be anything like that. And there it was for years just happening over and over again.

What were you what would you say You said you didn't know. I'm a firm believer that, there's a % of the time, there's red flags. Doesn't mean that we see them. It doesn't mean that we recognize them. Mhmm.

Looking I I would like to interject with that and also say sometimes we don't see the red flags because we have on red glasses. Mhmm. So it all looks the same. Yeah. You mentioned he was already abusive.

Yes. So seeing red flags is harder to do when you're in the midst of an already abusive situation where there's mental manipulation going on and physical abuse. So although I wasn't in your situation, I do know at least that much. But if you in going back, you know, hindsight's 2020, as we say. Going back now, you know, with a different set of glasses, what would you say were the red flags that you just didn't see at the time?

I think that the way the kids avoided him, tried to hide from him, would were always trying to find reasons not to be at home. I think that was way more. Now I know that it was way more than just the way he was towards me. Yeah. And when the oldest, one, told us she was moving out, she made a comment.

She looked directly at, her father, and she said and we all know why. And I thought, I don't know why. What is she talking about? I asked him directly. What does she mean?

What is she talking about? I don't know. When did she move out? Pardon me? When did she move out?

When did she move out? As soon as she graduated high school. Okay. And, and I just think of that statement, and I think, why didn't she tell me? Why didn't she just blurted out right there in the room?

I really I really just had no idea. I'm at and I remember thinking, what is going on? There's something wrong. And then and then he kept the household in such an uproar all the time that we couldn't, there was no way to deal with anything. Yeah.

Do I know that the conversations with the children were difficult, and it was hard to get them to open up, you know, as you as you said, as it is with not just your children, but most. It's a very difficult topic to bring up and and talk about and be real honest, especially when it's right there, where when it happened right there in the household. Do they blame you? They say they don't. What do you believe?

I think part of them probably does a little bit. And before they would talk to me, I will mention that they wanted to know was he ever coming back. And only when I was able to convince them that he would never ever be anywhere near them again would they talk about it. Okay. So they didn't feel safe.

No. I'm gonna also make a comment here. Children who don't feel safe, well, they usually they'll never open up. Yeah. That's true.

You know, whatever, you know, situation you're in for whatever whatever the unsafeness is, if they don't feel safe, they're not gonna open up. Just like we don't feel emotionally safe, we don't open up either. In their case, it was more likely physically safe. But let's talk about you as a parent because very often we hear these stories and we talk about, you know, the victims. Mhmm.

The the children that it happens to, and we should keep talking about that. And that's very important to talk about. But we don't talk about what the parents of the children go through when they find out. Everybody's situation is not the same. Some people damn well knew and didn't do anything about it.

That is absolutely true. Yes. It is. That is not the the truth in your case. So that's that's other people's story.

And I'm saying that more so for the audience than you. We're only talking about your story and your experience. Everybody else's experience, they can come on and talk about it if they want to. But for you, how did you feel as a parent? Well, they, all went to counseling and addressed some of their issues, and, some of the issues got better.

Some haven't. I also went to counseling. And Okay. Good. The counselor was experienced in the area, and she told me that I would have feelings of guilt and so forth.

So we talked about that a lot, and, she helped. I don't think you can get past something like this unless you do talk about it. Absolutely. However, there has never been a day that I haven't felt guilty even though it wasn't technically my fault. Counselors and people can say that all day.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't know. But in my mind, I should have known. In my heart, I should have done something sooner. Let's explore that statement because I think that there are other parents out there listening right now who have been or maybe are where you were.

They've never talked about it. They won't admit it. It's painful. And I know that every single one of them feels guilty. Some of it some some of them should feel guilty, but some of them shouldn't because every situation isn't the same.

How do you get out of that? That feeling of guilt and I wish I had done things different and on and on and on. It never ever goes away. It's like when somebody dies and you have grief in your heart, it doesn't go away, that feeling of loss, but you become more able to cope with it. And I still have nightmares on occasion.

So do my kids. It just becomes a part of your DNA. It it's so invasive and so unacceptable. And so how could how could he? Why?

Mhmm. So the way I found to cope with my struggles was to try and help others. And because I was a teacher, I would became very active in helping having a group at school that helped teen girls. It wasn't I didn't, like, invite them to this group, But we had a group where we would talk about, abusive situations at home is the way we phrased it. Mhmm.

And I would say two thirds easily of my my students had severely abusive situations at home. And, I mean, you can say all day long that, it's not my secret to keep. It's yours, referring to him, but it's not that simple. Yes. You there's no way to get passed over through this kind of thing unless you do talk about it, but it's really hard to talk about.

It is. And for those who are listening right now, and, again, I'm talking to the the parents who are where you were or who who been there, but they still are where you were because they haven't dealt with it. Talking talking about it really helps. Whether it's professionally or with a friend, you gotta you gotta talk about it because until you get over it, you will remain under it. Yes.

It will hover over you. Yes. Do you feel like this has, affected your life in any way? You mentioned that you it it you you turn lemons into lemonade by, starting that girls group because you now understood the need for something like that. But how what other ways has it affected your life?

I have I still have very serious trust issues. I don't let people get I don't let men get close. Okay. I just don't I can't. There's something in me that just won't let me trust.

I'm working on it, but I don't see too much change in the near future. And it's been more than thirty years. Wow. Yeah. Do y'all hear that?

It's been more than thirty years, and she's still getting choked up, and it's still hard to talk about. It's how big of a deal this this subject in this issue is. It's not a minor detail in any way, shape, or form. What would you say to the parents who are listening right now who have children that were abused under their nose, so to speak, whether it was in their house or their friend's house or their brother did it or sister did it, you know, someone they know even if it wasn't in the house because it it really kind of when it comes to this, it's the same thing. I would say first and foremost, get the kid out.

Get the kid safe. Mhmm. And then stand up to the abuser. Stand up to that person and say, you stay away from me. You stay away from my child.

And the abuser will always say, they're lying. I didn't do it. Don't believe them. Trust your gut and get out of the situation. Then find somebody you can that the both the child and the parent.

You both need somebody different to talk to. You I think that's a key thing. Cannot get past or through this without exposing it to air. You just have to to get it out of your head and get it said into words. Write it down.

Keep a journal. Do something to express your feelings and, your anger. Get one of those punching bags and use it. Because if you don't, it will poison your life. Yes.

Yes. It's hard. It it's hard to talk about it. It's hard to move forward. It's you just wanna curl up in a ball and cover yourself up and hide and say no, no, no, no, no.

It didn't happen. But here's what I think. God lets things come into our life and it alters us. And what matters is how you handle it. Yes.

What attitude do you choose to have? Are you gonna be a victim? Are you gonna be sad and angry for the rest of your life? Or do you choose to be the survivor, the victor, the one who is going to help others. What's your purpose in life?

Because when something like this happens, your purpose changes. Your life path changes. And it's totally up to you how that path goes. Yes. Susan, I really, really appreciate you taking the time to come on and talk about this super heavy subject, and be willing to open up so publicly about it, in order to hopefully help other people who are where you are.

Yes. And I hope that this episode really does that for those people that are silently suffering as you have been for all these years. And hopefully, it moves them to do something better for themselves or their children. And, I I think that you are a brave woman, and, you deserve an honor medal. I can give you one virtually.

But, I I really think it's awesome that you came on here, and and, it took some bravery to for you to to to open up like that and put yourself out there like that. And but I know that you did it because you know that other people like you need that. They need to hear this. They need to know that it's not just They do need They need to know that. They're not alone.

And, this this there's too much of this going on. Our society is supposed to be all, evolved. Right. This cannot go on. We need to be join together and end this.

Amen. Well, once again, thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. We'll end it there. And now for a mind shifting moment.

One of the things I said in today's episode is sometimes you can't see the things that are going on around you because you will have on red glasses, so you don't see the red flags. If you're in an abusive situation in your home, you may have on red glasses so you can't see the bigger picture things that are going on. If you really want to get out of that situation and you need help, please go to FatimaBay.com and go to the other help page. At the bottom of that page, if you live anywhere in The US, there are resources around you that are free that can help you. Now to the people that are listening who can identify with Susan, you are that parent.

I don't care if it happened forty, fifty years ago. If you haven't fully dealt with it, it's still there. It's still something you're living under. Maybe it's time to do something about it. It's never too late, and it's never too old.

Just start doing something about it. Start talking to someone. Start letting it out. Because as I said earlier, I promise you, if you have not yet gotten over it, you are still under it. And the longer you stay under it, the more buried it gets, but it's still affecting you.

Get some help. You can't change the past, but you can create a better future by dealing with it today. Start now. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast, please like, and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit fatimabay.com/podcast.

Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.