Quiet As Kept (Episode 48)

🎧 From rock bottom to mental health hero - Shawnti Refuge's raw story will revolutionize how you think about healing and growth! In this no-filter episode, Shawnti shares her journey through tough times and bad choices to becoming an author and coach who's changing lives.

Through brutally honest storytelling, Shawnti reveals the truth about hitting bottom and rising stronger that every teen needs to hear.

This transformative episode explores:

• The real reasons teens make destructive choices (and how to break the cycle)
• How past mistakes don't have to define your future
• The uncomfortable truth about healing that nobody talks about
• Real strategies for rebuilding your life after major setbacks
• The journey from self-destruction to self-empowerment
• How to use your struggles to help others heal

Perfect for: Teens dealing with regret and shame, students trying to overcome past mistakes, young people ready to start healing, and the counselors, teachers, and parents supporting youth through personal transformation. Plus: Essential wisdom for turning your darkest moments into stepping stones for growth and helping others who are struggling.

To learn more about Shawnti Refuge, please click below.

ShawntiRefuge.com

Transcript

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Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome, everyone. Today, we have with us Shanti Refuge. She is from the Houston, Texas area.

She is a mental health coach and an author. How are you today, Chelsea? I am well. Thank you for having me. Well, thank you for coming on.

I can't wait to have this conversation. Let's dive right into it. I like to dive right into it. So Let's go. You're an author.

Yes. But we're gonna talk about that in a second. You're also a mental health coach. What made you decide to become a mental health coach? It was never my intention to be one.

I became one in 2021, and that is, because I had a nervous breakdown in 2018. So, when I went through that process and learned why I went through that process and, you know, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. And they want to give me antidepressants, and I don't want that. I want to know, you know, why I'm having this nervous breakdown. Why what happened?

What caused it? So, through the holistic approach, I talked to a therapist, and she taught me how to use guided journals. She taught me, everything I needed to know to get myself better, and I used the tools that she suggested. They worked. And I was like, okay.

Well, let me go help somebody else. So that. I love that you decided to take your your your loss and turn it into a win is one way I could word it. Yeah. But you decided to take what you went through and said, you know what?

There's probably other people going through the same thing. Let me see if I can help. Absolutely. Now let's talk about your book. Your book is called Quiet as Kept, which is why we named this episode Quiet as Kept.

Yes. It is about your childhood and adult traumas. Yes. Give us a brief idea of alright. We've all gone through stuff, but maybe your stuff is a little bit different.

Give us a brief idea of what we can gain by reading this book. What can this book do for us? Quiet is Took, what it can do for you is, it's a relatable piece. I went through, childhood child abuse in my childhood. I was a teen mom.

I had my first kid at 14. Oh, wow. And, you know, so just imagine being an eighth grader pregnant. And, I had some made a lot of bad choices. I got arrested when I was 16.

Mhmm. More bad choices, but I did graduate on time. I graduated with a three year old. Oh, wow. And I went on to you know, because of my arrest record, I couldn't get a job for the longest.

And that was very discouraging, so that led me to do, not not good things. Mhmm. But, you know, I had a series of bad relationships, and, they were bad because of me, not the other person. Okay. I was a serial cheater.

And, you know, yes, all of that came back to bite me in my butt. So, that's what you're gonna get out of the book. You're gonna, learn about a nervous breakdown, what exactly it is, and how to overcome it without the use of prescription medication. I was against that, totally against that. And I'm sure there's others out there who are as well.

And, you know, I want people to know that they can overcome these past traumas without medication. They just have to be I absolutely love you even more now. So you were able to overcome a lot Mhmm. Without medication. I really want to hone in and emphasize on that.

And it's not that it's not that medication is completely unnecessary. However, I do truly believe that 90% of medications taken by Americans is not needed. I agree. Because we have a we're this entire country is run by the pharmaceutical industry. The Food and Drug Administration, they own it.

Whether it's legal or not, we can put the word in allegedly, you know, for legal reasons. So, yeah, sure, allegedly. But reality, reality is they own us. And, so we are taught, even in the medical schools to rely on medicine. And it's it's to our detriment, and it really harms us, and there's a lot of people running around thinking that they're quote unquote crazy, that they need to be medicated, when in fact they just need therapy.

Now there's some people who do need medication, but There are there is. But that is definitely true, but I truly believe that 90% of it is bullshit. Yeah. I I concur. I'm gonna repeat that.

90% of it is bullshit. Yeah. Simply put. But I so I just love that. I'm very passionate on that on that particular topic, if you can't tell.

Because I I really see the harm and the damage that it does, and that's why it makes me mad. That's right. I I I've been through some of my own, you know, issues and things in the past. And Mhmm. When medication was tried to shove down my throat, it actually sobered me up.

I was just like, are you nuts? Yep. Exactly. But anyway, so I love the fact that you, were able to overcome things through actual therapy and your own work. Yes.

Heavy on work. Your own work. Yeah. It sounds like you can correct me if I'm wrong, but for the audience's sake, it wasn't just that your therapy gave you some talking points and you just sat on your butt and did nothing. Right?

No. Absolutely not. You have to do the work. You have to acknowledge your the part you played and whatever it is that happened, and you have to own up on your stuff and be honest. You have to be honest in this process.

Yep. Instead of medicating it. Exactly. And yeah. Because most of the time, medication is used as a pacifier instead of Oh, that's the word I use all the time.

Fixing the actual pacifier. Pacifier. Because it's easier to suck on the pacifier than it is. Exactly. Exactly.

But it gets you nowhere. Yeah. So tell me now, we got a brief understanding of what the book is about, and I'm sure it's chock full of stories. Too many to name. You just gave us a brief overview, but too many to name, obviously, on this episode.

Tell us now, why did you decide to write the book? Because a lot of people go through stuff. We all go through stuff. We don't all write books about it. Some of us might even get on stage and talk about it on a radio or a podcast like this, but we don't necessarily take the time to actually write out a book.

What made you decide to write this book? So that I can reach more people. You know, not everybody's on social media. Not everybody listens to podcasts. And, you know, it was suggested that I write a book.

I had no intentions on writing this book either. But people kept asking, do you have a book? You need a book. Somebody needs to read this. You know, somebody needs to have this in their hands.

So and it took me a year to write this book because I did not wanna write it because it kept triggering me. Having to retell all of this stuff, I had to stop and cry and do do the healing work and then come back and start writing. But once I did it, I'm good now. I think it's I think you just brought a a really important point. When we're dealing with our stuff, we are going to be triggered.

Yes. And we need to not be afraid of being triggered. Exactly. Because when we're triggered, it might hurt. It's uncomfortable.

It can it can go deep. It can really open up old wounds, but sometimes that's how we heal too. Yes. We need to deal with our stuff. You have to rip the Band Aid off and get rid of it.

Just yeah. I'm really glad that you did. Now I wanna ask you about this. Mhmm. You said we we had this conversation off air that basically you did some shady stuff when you were younger.

Mhmm. You just told us you were a serial cheater. Yeah. And then you said it came back to bite you in the butt. Yeah.

How tell us the story about tell us about that. So, I was in a relationship with my high school sweetheart. I think we had been together since tenth grade, and I wanna say when I was 23. We got married, and I did not wanna get married. I never did.

I never wanted to marry. I didn't. But I did it because my mom wanted me to. But, you know, the whole time we were together, I was not faithful. And he knew.

You know, I told him, and he was just like, okay. And then we moved to Houston, and that was another mistake. I shoulda left them, you know, in my hometown where we were from. But, I, cheated on the last time I cheated on him was with, my best friend. Oh.

And yeah. And she was living with us at the time. We were helping her out, but Hold on. Let me let me write this down for the next Lifetime movie script. Go ahead.

Because it's starting to sound like one. Go ahead. It is. It's a movie. And, we ended up messing around.

And I think that's when I really, really was like, okay. I'm done playing. And I think that explained why I cheated all the time because I was never satisfied. But when I got with her, I was like, okay. This is it.

I'm a act right now. I'm not gonna cheat. I'm a do right. So when I got with her, I left him for her, and and this is in a book too. I left him for her.

We were together, and I moved her back to my hometown so we could start over. I found a house and, you know, and she cheated on me with a coworker. I lost 50 pounds in three months. That's how heartbroken I was. Wow.

Yeah. So what I'm hearing is that you reap what you sowed. Yeah. Pretty much. But in multiplicity.

Yes. That's how that's how reaping and sowing is. Yes. For those of you who don't know what I mean when I say that, I use the example of an apple seed. If you plant an apple seed today, you don't just get an apple.

You get a whole tree of apples. It works in multiplicity and it works for both good and bad. So, whether you're planting seeds, you know, of giving, and you reap a harvest later of getting an abundance, you know, whether it's money, whether it's stuff, whether it's whatever. That's one way. Another way is when we plant the seeds of of of deception, we reap destruction.

And I say that all the time, and she's just giving you an example. And this is not about putting Shanti down, she already knows that, we already talked about this, but I'm saying this to the audience because many of you are planting seeds right now, and you are you're going to reap the repercussions of those later, and then you wonder why. You know? If we it doesn't mean that everything that happens to us is something that we planted. But if you plant it, you are 100% guaranteed to to get it back.

It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, might be years from now. Right. So you'll get it. It's gonna be the way that's effective for you. And so you were really hurt, and I'm sure that you hurt your ex husband.

Yeah. I did. I think I'm more embarrassed him because he knew Yeah. I told him. I said, I think I'm I think I'm interested in girls.

And he was like, okay. That was his answer to everything. Okay. And that was another turn off for me because, like, I don't wanna be with somebody I I can run over. Girl, me too.

Go ahead. And I was so I ran over him. And, you know, I think it was a issue when he I think he thought he was invited, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah. I get it.

And when he found out he wasn't invited, that's when it became a problem. I got you. I was like, okay. Well, I picked her then. And that's what I did.

So when you, and I'm sure I know that there are other stories that you could tell about, you know, seeds that you sowed and then the destruction that you reap later. But I I just think it's important to point that point out to people because very often, we don't get it. You know? We really ignore that fact and don't pay attention to what we're sowing, and people can just get away with doing everybody wrong around us and then wondering why we get crap later. You know?

My mindset back then was, oh, ain't nothing gonna happen to me. I just knew I was invincible. Nothing was gonna happen to me. And if it did, so what? I can handle it.

Maybe I can handle that. Would you can would you call that sort of thinking arrogant? Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably borderline narcissistic. I don't know if it I don't know if it's necessarily narcissistic, but, but you did say borderline, and maybe it is. But that sort of thinking in general is it is arrogant. It's it's very assumption assumptive. Yeah.

And there are people out there like that. Now when you went through some things as you were younger Mhmm. Do you think any of those things shaped who you became? Everything shaped who I became. Everything.

Mhmm. Can you give us a couple examples? Yes. Like I said, I was abused as a child. Back then, I didn't know that was child abuse.

I thought, okay. You did something wrong. Get your butt whipped. Right? But, you know, that So was it what kind of abuse was it?

Like, getting whipped with, extension cords Okay. Fingers, stuff like that. Okay. That's considered abuse today. But back then, you know, that was like the norm.

So, you know, I passed that on. Mhmm. I was doing it to my kids. Mhmm. And, you know, and then, teen mom, that is definitely a generational something because, one of my daughters I have two daughters.

One of my daughters, she got pregnant at a early age too. One 14, you know, but, you know, it was still before she, you know, was ready. And then, our relationships, period. You know, the way my mom relationship our relationship is, that trickled over to how my relationship was even though, you know, I grew up. When I became grown, I said, man, I'm not gonna be nothing like my mama.

And I found myself being just like her just by saying it. You know? So a lot of things shaped me. And I had to unlearn all of that after I had my nervous breakdown. I had to create a whole new shanty.

I think that's a key thing you just said. You had to create a whole new shanty. Mhmm. And, there are people listening right now that need to create a whole new whatever their name is. Yeah.

And they might be 50. Even though we're talking about teenagers here, they might be 50. Whatever you don't deal with and, Ashanti, you can agree. I know you can agree with this because you've written basically about this in the book. Mhmm.

If you don't deal with the issue, the issue will deal with you. Absolutely. I said that to somebody the other day. Girl, get out of my head. Hold on.

You know, you have to face you can't sweep stuff under the rug for so long. You know, that hill is gonna get high and high, and you're gonna trip over. You know, you have to deal with your issues no matter how ugly they are. You have to deal with them. Yes.

A %. That's something I'm constantly talking about, on this podcast, how important therapy is, and not just therapy, because therapy is one way of dealing with your issues. It's just how did you deal with your issues. Whether that therapy is in an office or somewhere else, just deal with it, face it, confront it, you know, get over it because until you get over it, you're gonna remain under it. It oh.

And Yes. And that's what you're describing. I wanna ask you this this, different kind of question. Okay. Picture the the 14 year old Shanti.

Mhmm. Before you said you were 14 when you got pregnant. Right? Yes. Okay.

So the 14 year old Shanti before she got pregnant. Mhmm. In order for you I want you to relate to the girls that are listening right now. Describe the 14 year old Shanti before she got pregnant. I started having sex when I was 12.

Okay. So between 12 and 14, I thought I was invisible that, oh, that's not gonna happen to me. You know, I could do this and do this with whoever, and nothing was gonna happen. And lo and behold, when I turned 14 I had just turned 14. And, bam, here come a pregnancy, and I thought my life was over.

I said, oh my god. My mom's gonna kill me. Everybody's gonna kill me. My dad's gonna kill me. It was not easy.

It was not fun. And I always say, you know, the, the teen mom show on MTV, I hated that show because I think it glamorized Yeah. Teen You're not the only one. Yeah. And there is nothing like that.

It's nothing like what you see on TV. Nothing at all. And it is very hard to go to school with a baby. Mhmm. You know?

And the Shanti that was little girl Shanti, she was looking for love in all the wrong places. Can you say that again? That's what I was trying to get to. Looking for love. I didn't feel loved at home, so I said, okay.

Well, let me get this person to like me. Let me have sex with them. Mhmm. They I was used. I was handed around.

And I did it to myself because I knew right from wrong. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it, but I did it anyway because I was looking for something. And I guarantee you, I did not find it in any of the people that I was having sex with back then. Unless you ain't even been having sex. Right.

But, you know, I treated it as a rite of passage Mhmm. For whatever dumbass reason. And here's the thing. Well, the dumbass reason is what you just said. You were looking for love in all the wrong places.

Yeah. And then So back then, I didn't know that. You you didn't. And there's so many young girls right now, that very age, some of them are older, some of them are grown women, who are doing the same thing for the same reason. Yeah.

And don't recognize it. Yeah. Now for you in order for you to get to the point where you recognize that, was it before was it at the breakdown, or did you realize that beforehand? No. That was at the at the breakdown.

Okay. The breakdown happened for a reason, and I'm glad it did. Because it allowed me to look within myself. I did not love myself, and I didn't know I didn't love myself. But having that breakdown showed me, Shonta, you didn't love yourself back then.

You I didn't have any self esteem. My self esteem was, like, negative 20. I didn't I didn't care about myself. And you are absolutely gorgeous. And I'm sure as a as a young teenager, you were the hottest, sexiest thing around there.

So I'm sure it wasn't too hard for you to find guys who are totally interested in all that. But even with you being as pretty as you are, that did not fulfill the emptiness that you were trying to fulfill with dick. Pretty much. Real. Right?

It didn't fulfill that because it it it never will. You could try to fill it with young ladies out there, listen, you could fill it with dick. You could fill it with drugs. You could fill it with alcohol. Yeah.

You could fill it with whatever you wanna name it. Yep. It's still not going to fit. No. It's temporary.

That's not real. And it's important that we love ourselves. Yes. I'm so glad that you that you were just honest about that because I think there are so so I know there's so so so many young women out there who are miniature Shontis and they just don't realize it. They are where you were.

And for the young girls that are where you were, what can you say? Let me rephrase it this way. This is different than what I was going the way I was gonna ask it. Talk to the 14 year old Shanti right now. The 14 year old Shanti, I had to tell her that she is loved.

She is smart. She's beautiful. And you could do anything that you put your mind to. I was always the smartest person in the room. Always.

And people didn't like me for that. I believe. So I used to I used to dumb myself down back then so I could fit in. But now I'm telling Shanti 14 year old Shanti, you were made to stand out. Right.

You're not supposed to fit in with these people. Amen. Yes. And love yourself. Honor yourself.

Respect yourself. Because I sure didn't respect myself back then. And there's a actual letter to my 14 year old self in my book. Oh, nice. Yeah.

So people can get your book to read that. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Mhmm. What do you say to the other other current shanties who might be 14, 15, 16, whatever age?

And when you tell them, you are loved, and their response is, yeah. Right. By who? My mama don't care about me. My stepfather's an asshole, or she's got a different, guy in the house.

Everybody nobody cares about me. They all tell me how stupid I am. What do you say to that girl? The devil is a liar. You are loved.

You are smart. You are important. You are beautiful. You are worthy. And it starts from within.

Even at a young age, you have to know that you love you are loved. Love yourself. How do I find that love? Stand your ass in the mirror. Look in the mirror and talk to yourself.

Talk to yourself how you want to be talked to. And then you teach other people how to talk to you and treat you. Thank you. It starts with you because people can read you. People can read you from a mile away.

Mhmm. If they see gullible, young, dumb, they're gonna treat you that way. So you have to stand up, shoulders, back, head high, and respect yourself. But how do I respect myself? Say no to these little boys who wanna get in your pants.

Say no, because that's all they want. All they want is the panties, and then they're gonna go talk about you. I promise you. Oh, that's a % true. They're gonna go and talk about you, and then they friends gonna come wanna try to hit.

Mhmm. Because you let him hit the homeboy hit. No. Don't don't let yourself get passed around like that. Respect your body.

And the thing is is what a lot of a lot of people don't realize is once you do that, every single encounter makes you feel worse and worse Oh my gosh. About yourself. And even though you're you're not necessarily a bad person or any of that stuff, but it doesn't matter. It becomes your reality inside your head. Yeah.

It does. You believe that about yourself, and and you believe that all your worth is some pussy. No. And that is not that's a bonus. But that is not that doesn't define your worth.

It does not. And what happened in your past doesn't define you as a person. Can you say that again? What happened in your past does not define you as a person. It does not.

It it it doesn't unless you allow it to. Unless you allow it to. Unless you allow it to. And I cannot stand it. It really actually angers me when people constantly bring up someone else's past who's trying to get ahead.

How am I gonna go with this book? Like, you know, for example, someone who was an alcoholic and they're really trying hard to, you know, not be an alcoholic anymore. They're trying to get over their addiction and not allow it to be the super weakness it once was. Now, to a certain degree, it's always gonna be there, but, you know, they're trying to get over it and move on and be a sober person for the rest of their life. Right.

I applaud that. It's beautiful. I support you. The last thing I'm gonna do is to savor, remember that time, or you're always gonna be a drunk, or you you did this, you did that. I cannot stand people who do that.

I wanna punch them in the face. Now, mind you, I don't because the cops told me that I can't keep my ass. But, no, I haven't punched anybody in the face. No, but really, I'm I'm not actually violent. But, I I really feel like punching them in the face when they do that because it does it does hold people back.

And so, if you are already a little bit weak in an area, whether it's through alcohol addiction, whether it's drug addiction, sex addiction addiction, whether it's through lying addiction. Whatever issue you had in the past, and you're trying to get over it, the last thing that you need is somebody coming up in your face and reminding you of everything bad you ever did. If you were doing that to somebody, I wanna dropkick you in the face. I'm just saying. You need me dropkick you in the face.

I'm not gonna physically do that. I'm just saying that's what I want. Because so hurtful. Yeah. What the person needs to do, though, when you are gone on your healing journey, you're gonna lose a lot of people.

Yes. Yes. Family included. Mhmm. You are gonna lose a lot of people because they like that old you that they can manipulate and, you know, talk about, and you just do whatever they say.

You're gonna lose all those people because they're not gonna like that because they're not growing. They're not changing. They're not healing. Yes. Somebody is always gonna have try to hold you down, but it's up to you to be strong enough to not let that happen.

It's a choice. Yeah. It is. It might be a hard choice sometimes. But It is very hard.

A choice. Very hard. But you have to make a choice and always choose you. Always choose you. I love what you said about looking in the mirror and starting to talk to yourself the way you want to be talked to.

And I can tell you, audience, it does work if you choose to do it. It feels weird and strange and kinda goofy at first. Like, let's just you just feel real stupid, but you won't feel stupid after a while because you'll begin to believe what is constantly told to your face. All of us do. If you're constantly told that you are great, you are great, you are great, you really truly start to believe that you are great.

If you're constantly told you ain't nothing but shit, you begin to act that way because you believe what we believe what we're told over and over again. It's just human nature. That's why you gotta start talking to yourself nicely. Yes. Yes.

And I love that, you you you gave that advice. So, Shanti, tell us what other, what other services do you offer, and how can people find you? I do a mental and coaching. I do one on one and group. I do I have a set of guided journals that I created that are different topics.

So whatever topic that you wanna work on, self love, self esteem, self awareness, unpacking promotional baggage, I have journals for that. And they're specific with specific prompts in them so the person can focus on whatever issue it is that they're having. And I can be found at go to my website, shantirefuge.com. And I'm on all social media, TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube. I'm Shanti Refuge Jerks.

Alright. And Shanti's information will be in the, in the episode description, so you'll be able to click on her link there and go directly to her website. Well, Shanti, there is 900 more topics I wanted to talk to you about today. Tell me, buddy. Actually, I I was thinking that as we were talking.

I I probably will. I, I thank you for coming on and, I've just enjoyed speaking with you and I really hope that there's at least one young girl out there who can identify with you. That heard this and is able to make some changes. She will. It all starts in her mind.

Exactly. Thank you. Thank you. And now for a mind shifting moment. I actually wanna leave you with two thoughts today that I'm going to put in the form of questions.

Number one. What are you sowing right now? With that, I want you to look at what do you want to reap? What crops do you want to be able to harvest later in your life? What things do you wanna manifest?

What things do you want to see grow? What do you wanna see happen? And then I want you to take a look at those things versus what are you sowing right now? Are you planting the seeds that are going to get you that crap, or are you planting apple seeds expecting expecting to get grapes? I want you to think about that.

The other thought is, what issues are you not dealing with? Because I promise you, they're already dealing with you. She had a nervous breakdown. That's what forced her to confront her issues and finally deal with a lifetime of stuff. Many of you are listening regardless of your age, and you have a lifetime of stuff that you've been burying underneath the ground expecting it to go away.

It's never gone away. It's affecting how you act, behave, and think now. It's affecting your relationships. It's affecting your job. It's affecting every part of you.

What do you need to deal with? Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast. Please like, and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit fatimabay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking.

Tune in for next week.