The Break Up Breakdown (Episode 57)

🎧 From heartache to healing - Janice Formicella reveals the truth about breakups that everyone needs to hear! In this powerful episode, dating and breakup coach Janice exposes the science behind why breakups hurt so much and shares game-changing strategies for moving forward.

Through evidence-based insights and hard-won wisdom, Janice breaks down how relationships create actual addiction patterns in our brains and what to do about it.

This eye-opening episode explores:

• The surprising connection between breakups and addiction withdrawal
• Why "meant to be" is a dangerous myth that keeps you stuck
• The critical importance of digital boundaries after a split
• Real strategies for handling mutual friends and social circles
• The journey from obsessing to healing
• How to stop the cycle of reaching out to your ex

Perfect for: Teens going through first heartbreak, students navigating school after a breakup, young people questioning if they should get back together, and the parents, teachers, and counselors supporting youth through relationship transitions. Plus: Essential guidance on managing social media, friend groups, and daily interactions when you can't avoid seeing your ex.

To follow or contact Janice, please visit:

https://janiceformichella.com/

Transcript

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Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome. Today, we have with us Janice Formicella. She's a repeat guest.

She's been on here before. She is out of Denver, Colorado. She is a dating and breakup coach and a podcast producer. So she specializes in today's topic. Today, we're gonna talk about something that most of us have experienced, and that's talking about breakups.

And this happens when we're teens. It happens when we're adults. We think the situations are different, but they're really not. And we're gonna talk about that. So how are you doing today, Janice?

I'm wonderful. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me back. This is such an important topic. Yes.

It is. And and I think it's something that most people can relate to. So let's just dive right into it as I always do. Why are breakups so hard? There are so many reasons.

Obviously, there's losing somebody who you really, really, really care about. One of the reasons that especially adults struggle is that you lose the future that you had invested so much in. And a lot of us become naturally very, attached to what the outcome is going to look like as far as a relationship goes, and that can be really, really earth shattering. Something that affects everybody and perhaps teenagers even more significantly is that perhaps the primary reason breakups are so difficult is that we form addictions and very intense connections and habits with people. And when the person is taken out of our life, it can be extremely painful because, as I will talk about, breakups are very very similar to addictions from harmful substances.

And so your body, your system, your entire, network become is completely jarred and needs to have that person in your life in order to feel better, and it can be really, really difficult to kind of wean off of that. But but but I was so in love with Johnny. I wasn't addicted to him. He was just my everything. I mean, we used to hang out all the time and do everything together, and we talked on the phone all the time, and I just really miss him.

I know I mean, that is that is completely true. But you just said something really interesting that I I especially, like I just said, teens can relate to is talking on the phone all of the time, texting constantly, being in almost, you know, being in ongoing communication and engagement with this person via the cell phone almost every day. And that actually does form an addiction to the the person. And you get so so so used to that dopamine hit that you get every single time that you connect, that when the person is taken away from your life, removed, chooses to exit your life, it can be very, very hard to readjust. And this is why people have also such a hard time not texting, have such a hard time not continuing to engage and have contact with an ex, this is why people find it really, really, really hard to stay away from their ex's social media channels, is because they're so used to that dopamine hit that you receive when you engage with the person.

Even if it's looking at their photos, even if it's painful, you're still going to crave it. That's a very interesting, analogy that you use, the addiction. And I never quite thought of it with the word addiction, but I I think of it as, forming habits. There principle wise, it is the same thing, is what you're saying. You know, we're used to this person.

And so how do we know when the difference between when we're in love with someone and when we're simply addicted to them? Well, either way, if you are in a committed relationship with someone or a any type of relationship with somebody and you are feeling these feelings, you will naturally create, habit forming and addictive, ways of responding to their to their communication. So whether or not it's it's love, you will still get so used to having that person in your life that it will feel like something has been severed when it's taken away. And that's one reason also why some people find themselves in the loop of getting back together over and over again is because even when it is determined that the relationship is not healthy, they still find it so hard to disconnect that they'll stay in the loop. Some people stay in the loops of on and off again for years.

Mhmm. So it's not really a matter of whether or not it's love. It's just it's a matter of what you do as a couple, particularly when it comes to communicating with each other. You said a keyword there, Janice, and, that's that's what I was trying to get at. It's really not just a matter of love.

And in our society, we're taught that love is everything, and we should all have pretty feelings and butterflies coming out of our butts. It's all about love. Mhmm. And and it's true that love exists and love is real and important, but that is a small portion of the equation. Yes.

And that it's really important because a lot of people will experience so much intense pain after a breakup and find it just, like I said, impossible to stop some form of engagement, that they will convince themselves that the reason why they're struggling so much is because it must be meant to be or the love must just have been or is that deep, and that is why it's so hard to move on. When in reality, it is just because this is what naturally happens when you separate from someone who you've been used to having in your life. It's painful for everyone, and you can commit and invest to your healing rather than convincing yourself that everything is going to feel better if you get back with the person. I wanna go a lot back and emphasize on a key key key important thing that you just said. It's meant to be.

Mhmm. Yep. And we really truly believe that because of the garbage that has been fed to us primarily through Hollywood movies. That's where we get a lot of our as Americans anyway, because this is not true in other cultures. But as Americans, we get our our concept or ideas of what love is supposed to be, in in large part, movies.

It's not only movies. What we see at home matters, too. But, you know, the movies, they dictate the culture or media. And mostly for as Americans, it's movies is our major media where we get these kind of ideas from, that dictate where, you know, where what we think of as normal, and healthy and what what a romantic relationship should look like, blah blah blah blah blah. And TV because in in television shows, you have series of, you know, seasons that go on for years where they often will show couples doing the on again off again thing for years.

And so we are we're exposed to this type of dynamic in relationships that very, very rarely works. But it it becomes ingrained in us that if a couple really loves each other and is really meant to be, that they might do this, you know, for years and then eventually end up together. Where in reality, that type of cycle is really dysfunctional and harmful to somebody's ability to, like, move on in life and form actually actual healthy relationships. Just I I wanna emphasize here for the audience because it's related to exactly what she was just saying. Just because something is average doesn't make it normal.

Mhmm. Those are two different things. It could be average to kick a baby down the street, but would any of us call that normal? No. Just because something is average doesn't make it normal.

But going back to it's meant to be, I think very often, and I I I really wanna emphasize this because I I wanna mind shift people out of this thinking that just because you've been with someone for a while and you've grown attached or as Janice says, they're addicted to this person or their personality or being around them or whatever does not necessarily mean that they're good for you, that you're meant to be that your soulmates or whatever verbiage you want to give it. It just means that you've gotten used to and comfortable with that person, period. And this is why. And I know that you'll have something to say about this too, Janice. This is why it is so important that we are mindful of who we get into relationship with in the first place.

Yeah. Because we grow these addictions and these attachments to these people, whether they're right for us or not. You're like, well, it's so hard to find a man. I'm just gonna stick with this one. It's so far hard to find a good woman, and she's she's just right in these certain areas.

So therefore, I'm just gonna stick with her. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they're good for you. Yes. I'll make two points. I'm loving this conversation so far.

First of all, one of my driving philosophies around breakups and coming to the acceptance that it needed to happen is that no relationship wait. Let me start that over. Relationships always, always, always end because they weren't working in some way. If you were meant to be together and if things were that great, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place. I've never been proven wrong with with this concept.

It always ends because there was something about it that was not functional. As good as it seemed at some points, there's eventually, it got to the point where it was not working anymore. Either otherwise, you would stay together. So and that is really, really hard for people to accept. And I work with my clients on this all the time, kinda like play like, having them debate that with me.

And I've never, like I said, never been proven wrong. And that's something important to to remind yourself of. It can be really, really hard to accept that when you miss the person and you're remembering the happy memories. Mhmm. But it it ended because it needed to.

I think it's important to clarify, something on the point you just said. Sometimes it depends on what's not working. Because sometimes if what's not working is something that you both need to work on, doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't be together, for example, communication. If it's if it's something that someone you're not communicating and maybe you just you needed to go through this breakup not even a breakup, but argument or or hassle or stress, whatever it is, you needed to go through this confrontation to recognize you're not effectively communicating, and if you're willing to work on it, that's something that could be worked on. Something that to your point, if you're if you're breaking up and it's not about communication, there's personality differences, maybe you're not right with the right person.

And that so I think sometimes we have to look at not everything in, like, one big blanket, but, you know, that why did you break up? Is was it a communication thing? Is he or she cheating? Because that ain't cute. Well, either then, I mean, a lot of people a different issue.

You know? A lot of people break up just simply because they don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So many reasons, and that's as good of a reason as any. If you don't want to do it, then you shouldn't.

And as far as communication goes, I am all about couples learning to communicate well together. I'm, yeah, very, very passionate about that and consider myself good at it because I've worked so hard. I would say if the issue was communication though that it would have been not both people in the relationship fully committed to learning to communicate together. You you see what I'm saying? So then still there's something that wasn't quite functional about it.

And some people aren't ready to be in relationships because they're just not freaking mature enough yet. And then if you don't want to learn how to communicate, then you shouldn't be in the relationship. You're no. You're you're that's what I mean. If you're not willing to work on the parts that you need to work on to be successful in any relationship, regardless of who the partner is, you're not mature enough for a relationship.

I don't care if you're 13 or 33. It's the same thing. And, sometimes we assume that, when it going back to teenagers, we assume as adults that because teenagers, are young that, well, they're just young and dumb and, you know, that's everything is about that. No. It is not.

Mhmm. They the teenagers go through the exact same emotions that all the rest of us go through. Oh, yes. More intense props. And sometimes it might be the first time they're going through these emotions.

Sometimes it's not. You'd be surprised. Mhmm. I was saying this to Janice earlier, but and I'm talking to the audience right now. Don't assume that your 16 year old is the same 16 year old that you were when you were younger.

This generation is in fact different. They experience major emotions by the time they're 10 year old, 10 years old. And I'm and sorry. Go ahead. Well, and I was just going to say as a parent or, an elder in in this person's life, I would say definitely validated as much as you would validate anybody else's breakup.

I know I think my first breakup when I was a teen, my parents hadn't even wanted me to be dating in the first place. Right. And so I'm keeping it a secret this whole time. And then when the breakup happened, I was shattered. I couldn't eat.

I felt I mean, my first heartbreak, it was very, very, very intense. And going home every day and not being able to talk to my parents about it was, very, very painful and confusing and made everything a lot worse. And I will also say for teenagers, one reason it might be difficult is that they lack the ability or the knowledge around how to ask for support. And I would say, yeah, definitely learn that. And if you're an adult in this person's life, maybe come to the table able to provide that.

Yes. And, just to, just to reiterate what what Janice was just saying, don't when you have a teenager, don't brush them off as young and dumb or overemotional. Mhmm. Their emotions are real. What they're experiencing is really not any different than what we're experiencing as adults.

But, you know, as Janice just said, sometimes they don't know how to deal with them or how to ask for help. But don't but the worst thing you can possibly do is just like, oh, you'll get another one and act like it's nothing. Because when you do that for the adults listening, when you do that, you are now telling them they can't talk to you and they're gonna shut down and not talk to you. And if they're not talking to you, who are they talking to? And that's what you should be concerned about.

It could set a precedent that could last the the rest of your child's life and impact the long term relationship that they have with people I or with you as a parent. I think that it's really easy for adults to sit here and and accept and say yes, like a breakup can be completely earth shattering. But I do think that we can sometimes minimize that when it comes to teens' breakups. Right. And that's another reason why I'm saying take this seriously.

Treat it like a breakup of any friend of yours because this can be earth shattering. These kids have a lot that they're trying to juggle, and this can completely derail you if you don't have if you don't have the support or the tools to heal and move on from it. And I wanna add to that. Our teenagers nowadays, this is 2024, they're under a lot more stress than any of us ever were as kids. And we don't tend to see and understand that because we're not growing up on the same planet they they are.

And the world that they live in is different than the world we grew up in, and they are far more stressed. So imagine all the emotions that you had and then add about 16 pounds of 16 tons of more stress on top of that. So don't dismiss them. Please, adults don't dismiss them. Their feelings are real.

And when you ignore them, sometimes those feelings could snowball into other things that lead to suicide, that lead to cutting, that lead to a substance abuse, that lead to out sex in everyone. Just start naming some of the other ways they manifest. Yeah. Exactly. It needs to be taken very, very seriously, and that's one reason I'm glad we're doing this episode is because there are tools and tricks and ways that you can start to move on and heal from this and maybe even even learn from it.

And teens are just as capable of it as we are. Absolutely. So since we are you you had just mentioned it. So what I wanna talk about next, we spent a lot of time talking about why breakups happen and and the emotions that we go through. And, you know, we did that because it's important before we give you the tips and tools.

Do you understand how you arrived and where you are so that you can better handle it. Neither one of us are gonna sit here and tell any of you that, oh, here's a one, two, three step for breakups, and everything will be easy. No. It's not. It's emotional.

And anything that's emotional is hard and hurts. We get that. But so what are some of the what okay. I'm I just broke up with Johnny, and I'm 16. And Johnny was my everything.

And I I keep trying not to call him and text him, but I send him little messages here and there because I can't help it, and I really want him back. But he doesn't want me anymore. Blah blah blah. We broke up. What do I do?

This is one reason why I think that breakups can be differently challenging for teens is there is the proximity factor. A lot of teens are, you know, like I said, in the same proximity at each as each other, whether it be neighborhood, groups, school, etcetera. And so I will say that needs to be taken into consideration because my biggest tip for adults when it comes to breakups is stopping all contact. And that might be a little more challenging for teens if you have to see the person every day at school Yeah. For instance.

Yeah. So I would customize the no contact rule for teens and urge you if you are a teen who has gone through a breakup or anybody who has gone through a breakup, limit your contact as much as you possibly can with this person. For a teen, the perfect example and probably the main place to start and to focus on is your cell phone. So no texting, no looking at social media, no calls, none of it. Do limit contact or completely cut it out of your life, yeah, as much as you can.

And you might be surprised how much you can, limit engagement with this with this person. And that's where we get into such a painful loop of not being able to heal is when we are constantly texting them, looking at our phone, wanting to kinda stick it to them, going and seeing what they're doing on Facebook or Snapchat. And I would say, yeah, take take steps to eliminate all of that. And I promise you that this will help. It will help.

I wanna add to that also a detail that I think we tend to overlook for teenagers, your friends. Because your friends maybe you have mutual friends, and maybe your friends are gonna keep bringing them up, and they still hang out with Johnny because they're still friends with Johnny. And they have every right to still be friends with Johnny, but it is okay to have that conversation with your friends. Like, please don't keep bringing them up. I'm already trying to get over him.

Just be honest and real. If they're your real friends, they will absolutely adhere to it to the best of their ability. They might accidentally mention something because they're not thinking about it and they're happy about the game they're going to tomorrow night or whatever it is. But you can say something to your friends because that's a key element. I I I see it all the time.

It's a key key element. If your friends keep bringing them around and bringing them up, how the hell are you supposed to get over him when he's always in your face? So you need to remedy that. You need to remedy that. And if you have friends who can't understand that or refuse to care about your well-being, they shouldn't be your friends.

Period. Freaking end. Okay. Period end. They shouldn't be your friends.

So it's important to make sure that your friends doesn't mean that you need to make your friends walk on eggshells. I want to add that too. But it just means that you need to have the the close friends who might bring them up or bring them in front of you have that conversation with them. We're like, I'm I'm already trying, you know, can you just not bring them up? If they really care about you, they really will.

Is they really They must. They will. They really care about you. I would say easy to do that. Look at the people who are in your, like, immediate support network.

We all know who these people are. You know, the handful of people who we rely on day in and day out who we're there for and who are there for us, and maybe look at their interactions with your ex. And you might need to have some conversations around what will most support you Right. During this transition away from the from the relationship. And it, you know, it might mean making some decisions about what events you all go to together or even how much contact I like I was just saying, your best friend has with your ex.

And maybe asking for the time being that, you know, we we, change this a little bit and tweak it while I'm healing. Right. Because the more space that you can create with your ex, the faster you will heal Yes. And the more effectively the healing process will will be. And I wanna add, make sure it's a conversation and not a demand.

People react very and I say that because that happens. Like, well, if you're really my friend, you ain't gonna talk to Johnny anymore. Don't come at people like that. Sure. Because if you came at me like that, I would just be like, okay.

I wanna be your friend then. Mhmm. This is when we utilize our support networks for what they're there for. Yes. Yeah.

This is this is a learning opportunity too to have calm conversations. And, I mean, not add more shit to your plate. You know? Having fights with your friends is, yeah, definitely not what you need. But, you know, having having conversations and making decisions and, yeah, maybe even re making requests of people as far as how, like I said, how they engage with this person.

The adult version of this advice is exactly the same. Mhmm. Because we have some adults who are, you know, over 30 but mentally 13, and they act like it when situations arise. So instead of having a hissy fit, throw in a temper tantrum because you don't like that your friend's talking to Johnny, have a conversation. Because me I I have I personally I'm not I I have been in the middle of people breaking up, and I'm friends with with with both people.

But I'm a mature adult, so I know how to handle it. And there's just certain boundaries that I don't cross because I just know that's not healthy for anyone. But I'm a mature adult, and just because someone's my age doesn't mean that they are mentally mature. So if you're listening regardless of your age, even though we're talking primarily to and about teens, take the advice for yourself regardless of your age because it really does not change. Some of the details may change when you're a teenager, but the principles don't.

Mhmm. What other advice It's true. Thank you. It's a beautiful way to put it. What other advice would you have, for for helping people to move on?

Well, I will say so I really I wanna make sure to reiterate again the social media aspect. Mhmm. Block, block, block. Yes. I agree.

There is no reason in the world why you need to be looking. There's no reason in the world why you have to have things quote pop up on your social media that reminds you of them. This will help you so much. Social media is meant to be fun. It's meant to be ways to enjoy your community.

So let it be fun, and don't let it be another part of the process that tortures you. I was just gonna say self torture. Yes. Yeah. Come I mean, there really is a, you know, a whole thing about, digital self harm, and this would be one of the ways that people digitally self harm is just continuing to go on and expose themselves to things that are that painful.

So I say block, unfriend mutual friends who you didn't even really know that well in the first place, or maybe take it as a opportunity for a little social media cleanse. I know that that's a big step for some people. After one of my last breakups, I was actually in one of the situations where proximity added a lot of complexity to the breakup and my my ability to move on from it. And that was because we had we were from the same social network. And so we had, you know, dozens and dozens of friends in common.

And I just completely deactivated my accounts for a couple months, and I actually really liked it. And it made it a lot, lot, lot easier for me. So if you wanna, you know, consider doing that, definitely erase or block the number on your phone. Or I think something that teams might find kind of fun, if blocking and deleting the number seems too large of a step for you, change the name of your x, in your phone so that if it pops up, it'll be something to remind you about your commitment to the delay process. Good idea.

That's really good. I've done it as an adult several times, and it is really effective, and it's kinda fun. So Name your name rename your ex do not answer. Yeah. I've done that.

Mhmm. Yep. Or in, you know, if you wanna use a name, I'm saying whatever works for you. You know? And maybe even a picture as well.

I think I had, like, a picture of a mouse or something for one of my exes because I'm really scared of mice. So, I mean, again, that might be kind of fun. And, also, in the heat of the moment when you're finding it really hard to not send the text or to not answer the text or the call. This it will remind you immediately, like I said, of your commitment. Excellent advice.

I wanna plant a little thought seed to our audience, and I just thought about putting it this way. When we have an addiction, An addiction is a weakness, no matter what your addiction is, person, drugs, alcohol, food, whatever it is. An addiction is an area of weakness that can very easily overcome you. So if this person is an area of weakness, at least at the moment, after a while, they might not be. But at first, when we break up with someone, yeah, it's an area of weakness, especially if you were really attached to that person.

If you know it's an area of weakness, why would you play with fire and expect to not get burnt? What happens is when you start playing with fire, you get burnt and you're, owie, owie, owie, this hurts. Oh my god, this hurts so much. Of course it does. You're playing with fire.

And when we go back and forth with someone that we're trying to get over and it's difficult, we actually hurt ourselves more, cause so much emotional self harm because now you already had a wound and you just stuck a knife in it. Yeah. Because the back of your away is the best thing that you can do. I mean, life life is too short, and the healing journey, you know, does take some time. And, yes, committing to it and accepting.

I mean, take this episode and, as a start, as a beginning of educating yourself about how real these issues of of addiction are Yeah. And lean lean into it and have a little fun with it and and commit to overcoming this addiction or overcoming, this, the tie that you have to this person, the dysfunctional tie that you have to this person because there is so much waiting for you on the other side. If you can get over a heartbreak, you, you know, you're gonna have the ability to get over a lot of other things in your life. And this is also a chance for self reflection and thinking about what you want maybe in your future relationships, thinking about what you want for yourself, thinking about your great qualities. And then once once you get to the once you get to the end and put your breakup in your rearview mirror, the the future is gonna be just more amazing than you than you can imagine.

I wanna say one last thing to the audience. If you don't get over it, you will remain under it. Mhmm. Segue into don't deny that your feelings are your feelings. Deal with them.

Because sometimes you're like, well, Johnny broke up with me, so in order to deal with our feelings and deal with the hurt, we're just like, well, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm gonna move on, and I'm going on to a dating app, and I'm gonna go out with my friends, and I'm just gonna you're pretending, and it's gonna come crashing down. Don't do that. The pretending does not help you.

It does more harm to you. So admit it, deal with it so that you can climb over it and be done with it. Because if not, you can do it. Grieving is an important part of the process for sure. A vital a vital part.

And you need to give yourself the space to do that. And the only way that you can really grieve that something is over is by accepting that it's over and by training your system to accept that it's over by not having communication with this person anymore. Yeah. It's a whole cycle that that affects your mind and body. Yes.

It and and body. It does affect your body too. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely.

Stress does things to our bodies. Well, Janice, it's been really great talking to you. There's about 25,000 more topics, subtopics on this that we could talk about, but we try to limit limit the episode. So, tell people, how they can find you. Please go and listen to my breakup podcast.

It's called breakups, broken hearts, and moving on. It is this, huge library of resources for people who are just navigating a breakup and healing from it and then deciding what moving on means to them. What is the next chapter of your life going to look like? I've got lots of core resources that your teens will love. I've got affirmation tracks, to help people cope.

I've got an episode on almost any aspect of a breakup, and I'm I'm continuing on. And, please, I would love you to just go over to Instagram and hang out with me there, Janice Formicella. And I will put the links at the bottom of the podcast description. So, again, Janice, thank you for coming on again. This has been a very, I believe, a rich conversation.

I think any listener probably heard themselves somewhere in there. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Thank you for, letting me talk to your audience about this. I I just I know for a fact how painful this can be.

I was in a domestic violence situation that I went back to over and over again, and I also know how freeing and liberating it can be to learn how to tackle, the aftermath of a breakup. And also that once you learn how to do it, your life really can be so rich, and you do have the ability to overcome this. You really, really do. I know that it seems paralyzing, but you're strong and you're capable. It's just a bit of a learning curve, I think.

Well, thank you again for coming on. Thank you. And now for a mind shifting moment. I want you to take a moment right now for some self reflection. Examine the relationships you've been in, whether you're in one right now, whether you've broken up, or you think you're about to go into one.

Take this moment for some self reflection and do the hardest part of that, which is be honest with yourself. I promise you, if you do this, you will go into the next relationship better, or you will enhance the one you're currently in. Just think about it. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast. Please like, and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter.

If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.