No One Talks About the Grief | Ep 64

When insomnia shows up, it can feel like more than lost sleep.

You may grieve the loss of freedom, spontaneity, and the trust you once had.

In this episode, Beth talks about:

• Why grief is a normal part of insomnia 
• The two main ways it can show up
• How it changes over time and becomes a source of wisdom 
• Her own story of loss, healing, and learning to trust life again

If you’ve ever felt sad about how much insomnia has taken from you, this episode will help you feel understood, connected, and hopeful. 

In support, 

Beth

Connect with Beth:

 👉  Instagram 

Work with Beth:

👉   Learn About the Mind. Body. Sleep. Mentorship
👉   Start the Free Insomnia Course Here

Show Notes HERE.


About Beth Kendall MA, FNTP: 

For decades, Beth struggled with the relentless grip of insomnia. After finally understanding insomnia from a mind-body perspective, she changed her relationship with sleep, and completely recovered. Liberated from the constant worry of not sleeping, she’s on a mission to help others recover as well. Her transformative program Mind. Body. Sleep.® has been a beacon of light for hundreds of others seeking solace from sleepless nights.

© 2023 - 2025 Beth Kendall

DISCLAIMER: The podcasts available on this website have been produced for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only. The contents of this podcast do not constitute medical or professional advice. No person listening to and/or viewing any podcast from this website should act or refrain from acting on the basis of the content of a podcast without first seeking appropriate professional advice and/or counseling, nor shall the information be used as a substitute for professional advice and/or counseling. The Mind. Body. Sleep. Podcast expressly disclaims any and all liability relating to any actions taken or not taken based on any or all contents of this site as there are no assurances as to any particular outcome.

Mind. Body. Sleep.® with Beth Kendall is your trusted source for holistic insomnia recovery, blending neuroplasticity, nervous system health, and mind-body coaching to help you finally sleep again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Hello and welcome to Mind Body Sleep, the podcast for anyone out there who wants to understand and recover from insomnia using a holistic perspective. I'm Beth Kendall, your host. Let's get started. Well, hello everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. It is great to be with you today. For those of you that may not be familiar with me yet, my name is Beth. I am a sleep coach for people working through insomnia. And can you believe that this is already episode number 64? I can't believe it, you guys. And I am very excited to be recording on a brand new microphone today. My old mic worked okay, but I had to hold my head really still in one little spot, or the sound would fluctuate a whole lot. So if you know me, then you know that I tend to move around a lot when I'm talking. So, you know, it was just time for an upgrade, but never underestimate what a$56 microphone can do for you. All right, so we got a new microphone, some new energy, and a topic today that is a little deeper because for this episode, I had to go back in time to a chapter of my life that felt heavy. It was a time when I was processing a lot of grief. Grief is such a common yet often overlooked part of insomnia. You rarely hear people talk about it, but it's something that almost everyone experiences in some way. So I wanted to shine a light on that today and share a little of my own perspective in hopes that it helps anyone currently going through some grief feel seen and understood. If you were to look up the definition of grief, it really is just a natural response to loss, right? It's the brain's way of reorganizing around a new reality after something we cared about or relied on has changed or disappeared. And it's not limited to death, right? People grieve all kinds of things. The loss of a relationship, a phase of life, a sense of health, or even an old identity. And for people with insomnia, there's often this quiet background grief around the perceived loss of your own ability to sleep. There are two main ways that I tend to see grief or sadness show up in my work. And of course, there are other ways, but I'll focus on these two for today. The first way I usually see it show up is in the earlier stages of insomnia or right around the time someone begins the recovery process. And this often looks like life before insomnia and life after insomnia. Because for a lot of people, this contrast can feel really stark. And you're not just grieving the loss of sleep and feeling rested. You're grieving a life that used to feel free and easy, right? You're grieving the version of you who could stay out late and make plans and not have to think twice about any of this. You're grieving spontaneity and fun and feeling fully present. And you're grieving a brain that wasn't constantly consumed by sleep. When I think back to my life with insomnia, that is really what stands out the most was how much it seemed to steal my inner freedom. And it's not that I wasn't doing things because I was. There were plenty of amazing moments and accomplishments along the way, but I wasn't fully enjoying them. I wasn't really there for them because I was always trying to plan my life around the status of my sleep. So you might be grieving that too, you know, the way you used to trust your body, the way sleep used to be a non-issue. And maybe you're grieving the sense of safety that gets shaken up when sleep starts to feel so uncertain. And that kind of grief runs deep, right? It's at an identity level because it touches on who you believe yourself to be. It can feel like you've lost this part of yourself and you're not sure if or when it's ever coming back. Now, this is one part of insomnia that I didn't have to work through in the same way that many of my clients do, because insomnia for me started so early in life that it was all I knew. I really didn't have a before. So there wasn't a clear line between life before insomnia and life after. It was just my life. For me, grief showed up more in the shape of envy. I envied that other people could sleep so easily because it's something I couldn't seem to do. I envied that they could live so freely and do fun things without having to feel like you'll be punished for it later. I envied people that could take trips and drink caffeine and be spontaneous and never once have to think about sleep. Those were things that didn't feel safe or easy for me. And I remember wondering why I couldn't have that kind of life. And looking back, now that I'm talking about it, I can see that it wasn't so much envy, it was sadness. It was sadness for that version of me who felt like everything was such a struggle. So those were some really hard times. So that's the kind of grief that usually shows up in the early stages. It's the missing your old life feeling of grief. But there's another kind of grief that can appear later when you're coming out the other side of insomnia. And oftentimes something still feels off. For some people, this stage feels completely smooth, right? They slip right back into life very easily and there's no looking back. But for others, it can feel a little bit more complicated or nuanced. Maybe it's not the relief they imagined it would be, or maybe they don't quite know how to process what they've been through. Or maybe they feel like they should be happy now that they're sleeping, but they're not. And they're wondering what's wrong. Some people feel very alone at this stage because the people around them can't fully understand what they've just lived through. And I can't tell you how deeply I understand that. Because my transition out of illness and insomnia wasn't anything like I thought it would be. I had this vision that I would just snap back into life, everything would be fine, and things would just go back to normal. And honestly, it was anything but that. My situation was a little different. I spent five years on disability with Lyme disease, and for the most part, throughout that time, I was either bedbound or housebound. So I really was very disconnected from life. When I started stepping back into the world, I felt like an alien. I really did. People treated me like I was still the old me, but I wasn't that person anymore. And it was incredibly disorienting. It was like what I would imagine moving to a foreign country where the culture is very, very different from your own would be like. And I remember everyday conversations felt so meaningless to me compared to what I had just lived through, because for so long my everyday life had been about survival. So this was a real integration or reintegration phase for me. And I carried a lot of survivor's guilt because many of the friends I had made during those years were still sick or struggling. And I had a lot of grief and guilt about that. And I specifically remember thinking, God, you know, I've come out of this incredibly difficult thing. I spent everything I had trying to heal, only to be healed by the backyard bee. I finally get my health back, and now I've got to rebuild my life. Are you kidding me? You know, I remember thinking that so many times because there was no reward, there was no recognition, no celebration for what I'd been through. Lyme disease was still so misunderstood at the time that it felt like I had fought this invisible battle that no one knew anything about. And that's kind of how it is with insomnia, too. It's so invisible. So when my students struggle to find their footing after coming out of insomnia, I really get that. And of course, like I said, not everyone experiences this. And my situation definitely had some extra layers to it. It really just depends on your history and how emotionally charged the journey has been for you. What helped me move through that phase of my life was realizing that yes, there was a lot of grief to process, but there were also some really beautiful things that came from it. You've probably heard me talk about the law of polarity. I love this law, because you can't have one end of the spectrum without the same potential on the other end. They're two parts of the same continuum. I've had plenty of grief in my life, but I've also had plenty of love. And honestly, that's the kind of life I've always wanted. It's the kind I've always asked for. I've always wanted the full enchilada, so to speak. So if you're processing some grief right now, just know that it is completely normal. We humans love to judge our emotions, right? We love to tell ourselves we shouldn't be feeling what we're feeling. But if you're experiencing grief, then you're experiencing grief. It just means you're a part of the human race and humans feel things. So give yourself loads of time and grace to move through it. Your nervous system is simply integrating a painful chapter in your life, and integration is healing, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. So give yourself loads of time and grace to move through it. Your nervous system is simply integrating a painful chapter in your life, and integration is healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. In time, my grief started to shift and move. It went from feeling really, really heavy to feeling lighter and easier to carry. And that's when I started looking for an emotional bridge, you know, a way to step into something new or hold my past in a way that felt more doable or just a little more okay. And that part of things was really important to me because the way we hold the past shapes how we create our future. But I had to wait until I was ready. And that wasn't during the deepest parts of my grief. So one teaching that really stayed with me and helped me out of this phase was the idea of letting go of the pain and holding on to the wisdom. I really loved that idea of extracting the wisdom from what I'd been through because wisdom feels empowering, right? It feels meaningful. It's probably the most valuable thing we can carry with us throughout life. Another way I started to see it was that maybe this was the only way I would have experienced true surrender. And to me, surrender is the closest thing to freedom we can know in this life. My suffering was so great during that time of my life that the only thing left for me was surrender. And that moment changed everything for me. It changed my whole life. But would I have gotten there without going that low? I don't know. Knowing myself, probably not. So, in many ways, I'm grateful for that. And the last thing I'll share is that going through all of it gave me a deeper sense of trust in my body. And not just my body, but the divine intelligence within it. It taught me to trust life. And for me, this work has always been about going deeper and deeper into trust. And my past experiences have absolutely made space for that. And with that, I'll wrap up today's episode. If you're enjoying the podcast, I'd love it if you took a moment to leave a rating or review. That helps me reach others who might need this work, and it means a lot to me too. Until next time, I'm Beth Kendall, and you've been listening to the Mind Body Sleep Podcast. Take good care and bye for now. Thanks for being here today. If you love what you heard on today's episode, don't forget to hit the like button and subscribe to the podcast. And if you need more support with your sleep, join me in the Mind Body Sleep Mentorship. This three month one on one program will transform your relationship with sleep so you can get back to living the life that you love free from the fear of not sleeping. Head on over to bethkendle.com for more details. I'll see you next time.