How To Capture Your Daughter’s Heart With Presence And Praise

Your daughter’s distance rarely starts with one big blowup. It usually begins with a slow drift: we get busy, we lead with answers, we focus on behavior, and we miss what she’s really asking. One question cuts through it all: “Dad, do you see me?” From a graduation crowd to everyday life at home, we unpack why being seen and celebrated is not a small thing for a daughter; it’s a core need that shapes trust, confidence, and connection for years to come. 

We get honest about the mistakes many of us make with girls: trying to fix too fast, pushing our opinions before they even ask, or turning fatherhood into a performance review. Then we go deeper into the spiritual root that changes everything: identity. When I learn to receive God’s love as a beloved son, I stop demanding my family prove my worth, and I become free to love my daughters with patience, strength, and steadiness. 

You’ll also hear practical father-daughter relationship tools you can use right away: how to lead with empathy, how to reflect what you hear so she feels understood, and how to ask questions that help her discover wise next steps rather than just obey your advice. If you feel like you missed years or you’ve been shut out, we talk about repair, humility, and why it’s never too late to re-enter her story. If this helps you, subscribe, share it with a dad who needs it, and leave a review so more families can find the show.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:02

What kind of father do you want to be? What kind of man do you want to become for your family and for yourself? If you've ever wondered how to step into the fullness of your role as a father, husband, and man of God, then you're in the right place. Here at the Father Difference, our mission is to inspire and equip men to be the best fathers they can be. It's a powerful mission. And today, we're going to explore exactly how you can take steps toward that calling. Whether you're a father, a son, a husband, grandfather, single dad, stepfather, or just looking to grow, I believe God has something powerful for you in today's message. Whether you're tuning in live or watching this later, we are so excited to have you here. If this is what you're looking for, then subscribe so you can tune in each week to the Father Difference Live. You can sign up below. And now your host, a husband, father, grandfather, author, and former NFL player, Pastor Ed McLasson.

Why Daughters Need To Be Seen

Graduation Moment That Changed Everything

Stop Making Fathering About You

Identity As A Beloved Son

Jesus Models Secure Sonship

The Trinity’s Love Sets The Measure

Three Truths About God’s Love

Empathy Over Fixing

Ask Questions That Unlock Her Heart

Repairing The Relationship Isn’t Too Late

Being In Her Story

Prayer And Upcoming Shows

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Hey, welcome. Good to have you here. We're live at the thefatherdifference.com. Well, I'm excited about Sharon today because we're going to talk about those illustrious, amazing creatures called daughters. And how do you reach your daughter in a way where you can capture her heart? And how many of you know what it feels like to not reach your daughter and not have her heart? Then you got a lot of problems, don't you? Well, we're going to talk about some of the things that I've learned about my daughters. And by the way, it's truly one of those miracles from God for yours truly, ex-NFL football player and man's man, to connect with the daughters in your story. And which also opened doors for me to connect even more with my wife. Interested? We're going to get right into it today and learn about how to connect in with your daughter. Now, before we get started, how many of you guys have made mistakes dealing with your daughters? You know the ones to where she kind of gives you the whatever face or hand, kind of cuts you out, sort of emotionally distance herself from you, and you wonder what the heck just happened. You liked me when I went to work. Now you don't like me. What's going on? So we're going to talk a little bit about some of the things that you can do as a dad that will really capture the heart of your daughter and how you do that. So we're going to get right into it. I'm going to start with a story that happened. This is a crowd. This is the UCLA, my daughter's graduation. And the first thing I'm going to say to you is that one of the most powerful ways to reach the girls in your life is that they want to be seen and adored by you. They want to be celebrated. And I don't know about you, it's much easier for me as a guy to think about projects and things that I'm doing, studio things, than the prospect of sitting down and capturing the heart of my daughter that might be a little sideways with me and really not know what to do. It's like I was, I think, raised by a dad who, a stepdad, who basically didn't want to be in trouble with the girls in his life. More than he wanted to understand and really learn to unlock them. Because when they're on your team, boy, that's an amazing day. But when they're not on your team and they're working against you, not only do you have your wife if you're married against you, you got your daughter. And in my case, I'd had I would have three in my house all the time. Now I have 10 granddaughters with a whole new set of challenges that I have, but they're all very similar in a couple of things that I'm going to share with you tonight. And so part of that is this. And when my daughter, she's on her cell phone at the UCLA graduation. You see this, these uh hands here? You can see her in this image almost, in that almost the entire crowd in the math and science area is outside the country. There's a lot of you know, Asian Americans there. There's a there's Mexican Americans, Spanish, a lot of travelers here in the in the pre-med uh school, in the nursing school. And right in the in the very front, third row, you see those white arms all raised up. Well, my daughter Jessica is right there with this hat that she made, so that I would see her better. And I want to tell you, it was just one of those things that you don't ever you ever forget when you go do a graduation. And with all the parents there, every time their children were mentioned or called to the stage, there was these shouts of praise. And I mean to tell you, the kids would look back and they'd see mom and dad and point to them. And and it was it was a it was a huge message for me, and even in my own life, and the things I was learning is there's nothing more powerful for your daughters or the girls in your life than when they get that you see them, that you care about them, and you want to be you want to bring your masculine thing towards them in a way where they can get something from their dad. And see, they're basically saying, Daddy, do you see me? And I remember when she called me on her cell phone, Dad, Daddy, do you see me? Well, there's 2,000 students there. And when I heard that question, that question is what every daughter asked. And of course, Jill and I responded, jumped up and down like crazy people. And when my daughter saw us cheering, she started laughing. And the look on her face was something I'll never forget. It's the same look, now get this, that our heavenly father has when he sees our faces, and when he and we see his face and realize he sees us and he's cheering us on. Here's another image. This is me walking Jessica down the aisle, what a day, in a kilt. Can you imagine that? In a kilt, and here I'm at Mary's wedding, here my two daughters' weddings, at kind of the daddy-daughter dance. What a moment. And if you've been a dad and you've you've gone through that, it's a it's a powerful, uh, powerful thing indeed. And and so the the question comes so why do we struggle so much with girls in our lives? Well, I learned one thing. When I made fathering about me, I was really good at hurting my daughters. How many would say amen to that? When I was trying to prove myself as a father, there's another slippery slope. I was really good. Uh I was, it seemed like I was always in trouble with my with my daughters because I was trying to father them in ways where I thought I knew the best for them, and I thought that's what they wanted from me, and but I never asked the question to discover what they really needed. And so I something happened to me. I with all my children, when I learned to receive the love of the Father and His blessing, it started transforming my the core of my identity from instead of being about how to be a good father guard your children, it it started to change. Let me say it this way, because this slide doesn't really point to this, but how many of you have made fathering about you? Or if you're a mom here watching, you make mothering about you. See, when when that happens, and you're not making about your children, they know the difference. So I spend the majority of my time before was with my kids, thinking about learning from God as my father, of how to be the best dad I could be to my kids. See, in the beginning, with being a dad, I didn't know that God wanted to father me. I thought I had to kind of live out my story with the loss of my dad, who was killed in action. And and with my stepdad, who some days he struggled being a good father, like I struggle being a good father, like we all struggled being a good father. And what we need is, you know, what I needed in my own life is I needed to be connected to a source that could help me discover who God had made me to be. Because much of what men struggle with is identity. Who am I? Girls struggle with those things as well. But men especially, they're constantly measuring themselves by the other men they have around them. They are constantly pushing themselves to try to establish a sense of persona, a sense of this is who I am. And when you're loving your children, or if you're a grandpa now, the whole secret of doing it well is having that core identity and who you really are intact, so that you can handle the rejection when your kids are like doing this, and they don't want from even grandpas. I don't want this from you. And so, you know, I got to spend the last three weeks with uh both of my daughters and their kids, and you title that, you know, total up the grannies, that's seven between them, and then Edward, who's just right around the corner, so it's 10. And so boy, you get you get pushed to the gills. But part of what I was doing is I I was trying to learn how to, you know, hear from the father to be a better dad to my grandpa to my grandchildren, especially when they are not behaving. Now, maybe it's just my family, but maybe that's your family too. Because we all got to deal with that. And so, kind of the the secret that I've learned is that when we learn to receive our true identity as a beloved son of a father, we'll learn how to love our daughters the way they need to be loved. Because when you're loving somebody because you're looking or trying to get something from them, like marriages that struggle happen many times because people get married thinking that other person's gonna heal the ache or the hurt, or girls marry guys that they think they're gonna be the safe place for them now. The problem is they're gonna wake up one day and see the flaws and be disappointed, and so we got to have something that's so much bigger than putting our security in another human being, and the one thing that Jesus came to bring you and me is that sense of completed identity, of being a beloved son or being a beloved daughter. It's powerful stuff, and so where's that lead us? Well, you know, we we have this picture in scripture that we've read this before, but you know, Jesus was coming out of the uh water being baptized by John the Baptist, and the audible voice of the Father speaks, saying, This is my son chosen, marked by my love, the light of my life. Imagine having your dad in a place where you said that over it said that over you. Imagine you as a dad saying that to your daughters or to your sons, and really meaning it, not being something you say, but because this this genuine love that God has poured into you because of his love toward you enables you to be that kind of father to your children. Well, that was the core of the persona and the personhood of Jesus. Jesus was first and last, he was the savior of the world, he was the king of kings and lord of lords, but at the core of his identity, he was first and last a son who's loved by his father. That was the model of Jesus' ministry to earth. No one had ever seen a son like that, who who connected to his father in a way that led him and equipped him in everything he did. That was the picture of the Christian life. It was the personification of the love of the father into Christ, and he not only received it for himself, he taught you and I to do the same thing. And and I just love the picture of that in scripture. And and so Tim Keller, he describes you know this perfect love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit when he writes, and he calls it the dance of love. I love that, don't you? Before the earth was created throughout all history and into eternity, without end, there has been a waltz of love within the trinity, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. So at the core of the Trinity is the unconditional love of God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit towards one another. So when God says he loves us, everyone goes, Well, I know that God loves us. The context of the way the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit love each other for kind of shape what he means when he said he loves us. That's what Jesus meant when he prayed, Father, I want those that you have given me to be where I am and to see my glory. And he describes the glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. The glory on Jesus that separated him from every other prophet and leader who's ever lived was the the picture and the the glory of the love of the unconditional love of his father towards him. So when people saw him, Thomas at one point cries out, show us the Father, that will be enough for us. Because they saw something different about Jesus, they saw the way he did his life. What if you could live in the rhythm of that yourself as a son? Or if you're a daughter slipping into our podcast tonight, what would that mean for you to live as a beloved son, truly of a beloved son of God the Father, no matter what kind of dad you had, you had a good dad, God as your father too is the ultimate bonus. But if you had no dad, God the Father is really the core identity that you can have in your life, even though your dad never gave it to you. I meet guys all the time who are still waiting for their fathers to honor them, bless them, speak to them. And many times they wait a whole life and they never get it. Well, the truth of the matter is that we have been made to be loved by God that way. And when we are, it equips us to love our children, especially our daughters' dads. So there's three powerful things about God's love that will change the way you father your daughters. Number one, first is love is eternal. It didn't start when you were born and or when you did something good, right? To earn it, and said the father has always loved you. And I would I would say that, you know, probably for most dads that I've met, they have this incredible love of their children when they're born. Sometimes they have been so brutally raised by their own fathers, they don't know how to. See, the second thing is love would do is that he has designed you perfectly for what he's called you to do, or people will say you're destiny, and and he's designed you that way. That's why we're shaped the way we are, that's why we have the gifts the way we have, and there are just so many things about us that we will understand as we get older. Now, me being an older man just turned 69. Can you believe it? Do I look 69? Probably. See, because he created you in love, you you can't be a mistake. I meet guys all the time and and gals all the time who they they measure how who they are by how much their dads loved them or didn't. And they struggle in their life. They're waiting for their dad to turn around. Well, that might take a lifetime of you loving someone who doesn't love you back. But God's answer is that you can know that now just the way Jesus did. He's created you in his love, you can't be a mistake. Your design became your it came before your parents had you, right? You were perfectly made by God. Your ethnic background, all the different, you know, if you go on to ancestry.com or genetic sites, you'll find out your your lineage, where it comes from. Mine's from France and Scandinavia. And it's like, boy, we're just all over the place. It's like we're all Neapolitan. You know, I'm sure there's some pure races that have no, you know, crossing in it. But I I mean, I'm just amazed at my German background, my Bavarian kind of, you know, big big guys, and my French background, and all those kind of things have all been perfectly designed by God, by a mom and dad coming together with different genetic traits to produce me, produce you in such a profound way. And the other thing is that the the year in your history you were born, all of this has been on the mind of God from the moment of your first breath. God's love has been pursuing you. You know, when when you if when you finally said yes to Jesus, I've had this happen to me, where I knew that He brought me through the season of something I'm learning, and it's always been his plan. Now it might not be easy to go through those things, but then God shows up and it's like, oh, that's just so good. Thank you, Lord. Here's the third thing the intensity of God's love towards us is measured by the way the Trinity loves one another, not by your definitions of a little misspelling there. The Bible says the Father loves the Son extravagantly. He turned everything over to him so that he could give it away, a lavish distribution of gifts. I just love that picture. It's the way God loves you, the same way he loved his son Jesus. The difference between us and him is that Jesus from the beginning learned that his core identity was to be a son. We're raised and we look at our core identity as being somewhere where we can make a difference. But the biggest difference you will ever make, my friend, is to learn how to be a son. And that's powerful. So here's a big question. What would be different? Would you be a different dad right now if you allowed yourself to be loved by God like that? Would it change the way you are with your daughter? The way you treat her? Or are you looking and measuring love by the way she's respecting you or not respecting you? And I mean, I I learned I've learned a lot of things from my daughters that actually helped me really learn to love my wife more because I found out she's a girl too. And she was somebody's daughter. And I've learned a couple of things I wanted to kind of close with. And and number one, I learned that you know, part of what my daughters are after with me is if do I see them, do I really understand what they're going through? And so when Mary's here or Jessica's with me, she wants to know that I get it. She doesn't necessarily want an answer from me. What she wants is she wants to know that I feel what's going on, that I I empathize with her. I gotta tell you, that's probably my hardest thing to deal with as a dad towards girls or as a husband, is my wife will tell you, I'm not very empathetic. I I remember when I was a kid and my stepdad, I you know, I hurt my ankle, and he said, Well, stick it in a toilet and give it a whirlpool. I mean, he was just a military guy. I know he loved me, he was trying to toughen me up, but it didn't help me with girls. How about you? I was struggling because I never knew struggling with him because I never knew if I was winning the game or not. Because it performance to him was everything. Just doing it right, doing it the navy way, or coming up to a certain level of performance. And but boy, that's an elusive thing, isn't it? And I had to I I remember many many a football game. I might even have been named the most valuable player of the game, which I I I did more than my fair share. It's hard to do as an offensive center on a football team. But but he he didn't know how to say, Man, I love this about you. Boy, what what a great gift you have? He focused in on those places where I was messing up. And it was like you could be better than us. And so that's okay if there's a lot of accolade or celebration of the wins you have, but how good was your dad letting you know that you're you're in because he just loves you and loves being with you. That's one of those incredible superpowers of every dad, with a daughter, with a son, of when they begin to believe my dad just loves hanging out with me. It's a powerful thing. I mean, one of the you know, one of the great honors that I get in my life as a dad is to have my kids call me all the time and want to just talk. Not necessarily looking for me to fix them, though I always err, probably in that category, just to understand, celebrate them, help them help celebrate their wins in their life. And powerful relationship builders, especially with my daughters. So the first thing with your daughters that they they want to know that you get them, you you feel what they're doing, they want to know that you hear them. And so repeating back, boy, what you're saying then, is you really going through this and this is really hard. Yeah, dad. And then when they say to you, the third thing that I I learned, you know, how you learn things all over again, is when they have a problem, they say, What do you think I should do? And you back up a little bit and go, Well, what do you think God wants you to do? And you ask him enough questions so they discover it. And then they go, Boy. Thanks, Dad. And you realize all you do is ask questions. Because part of what your daughters want, they want to be seen, they want to be known, they want to be celebrated. Are you doing that with your girls? Because if you are, you're gonna capture their heart more than not. And if you're not, is it ever too late? No. And here's a question for those of you going, boy, I wish I would have done that more with my daughters, is you know, to ask them, you know, write them a letter, connect to them, and and say, you know, I need some help from you. Uh what, dad? You know, I I know there's some places maybe I wasn't a very good father to you. Could you help me understand how to be a better dad? Oh my goodness. If you say that to a daughter, they're gonna go, okay, dad. Really? You serious? And I mean, my daughters that they've been amazing in my life. And my wife has too, when I dare to ask that question of my wife. And so part of you know, those things that you do as a dad that are really powerful, that's what I got for you tonight, just to think about. And also next week we we have, you know, oh Brian, uh good to see you. How do you become a a top dad? Well, a part of being a top dad is you know being present enough with your children to where they they're you're you're able to measure what's going on with your children because they're coming to you with their biggest questions. And when they're not coming to you with their biggest questions, it might be the way you're trying to answer them or trying to lead them. And one of the big mistakes I I made, Brian, is that what I did all too often was I gave them the answer to their question before they actually asked, they asked me the question. Like I was like, if you know, if you do this, you'll be successful in this. That's not what they want. They at the at the core of your kid's life, they want to know does my dad want to be a part of my story? There it is, right there. No matter if it's ugly, no matter if it's great, does he want to be a part of my story? And for daughters, sometimes they feel ugly, they feel like you know they're they're too emotional, and they want to know, does my dad still want to be a part of my life when I'm messy? And when you press in and say, God, give me grace to to be there, to love my daughters, to love my wife when she's struggling, boy, they're gonna turn into your number one fans in your life. Because when your daughter starts celebrating you, then you are in, and you are a top dad. But when they're not celebrating you and they're they're hiding from you, you got some work to do, but you can do it. Hope that helps you, Brian. So let's pray before we get off tonight. Any other questions? Love to answer those from the crew out there. So grateful that uh you are watching and you're with us every week, some of you. And I'm so grateful for that. We have some shows coming up. The next, I think I don't have the see if I can find the banner for the next show that we're gonna do. Let's see here. Yeah, I think I think, oh yeah, this Thursday is July 31st at 12 o'clock. We're doing finding joy in this empty nest season as a mom. Boy, it looks like this mom was mothering for a long time before her kids left the house. Anyway, and the difference my mother makes, we're gonna talk about finding joy, you know, when when your kids are growing up, and even how do you transition and mother them in ways that are different than when they were younger? Because that's crucial for you know, being a mom and raising your your kids. And a lot of moms sort of err on the side of trying to mother their kids all the way through their life and never let them out of their grip. And when you do that without meaning to, mom, you're basically communicating. I don't think you can handle this next season in your life without me. And dads do this too, by the way, where you become a helicopter dad or helicopter mom. You want to make sure they don't make mistakes. Well, listen, making mistakes is the secret of building great kids. Letting them know that they're gonna make mistakes, but they got God with them. And you're gonna be with them, you're gonna be in their story. So that's coming up. And so if you need prayer, if you want to send me a prayer request, we will pray. If not, we're gonna tie up the show tonight a little shorter tonight. I'm actually on vacation, but I did not want to miss our time tonight. And though we're only across town in Newport Beach, I wanted to be with you because I think it's such an important thing for you, dads, to really be in a place to keep the heart of your daughters and lead them. Because ultimately, dad, when you do, guess what happens? They choose great guys just like you. Now projects. And because girls, they love projects, they have a great faith muzzle on projects. And so, anyway, thanks for being with us here at the Father Difference, and I would love to pray with you. And then we have a short outro and and appreciate so much your support every week and everything you do, and all that to say, Jesus. I pray for my friends, I pray for their family, I pray for their relationships, I pray for these dads connecting to their daughters in ways where their daughters would trust them and let them in their story. I pray, Lord, you would heal those relationships with daughters that are are far away. Maybe even you've been doxxed and you were your children don't want to talk to you. I pray, Lord, you would you would bring them back together and break the power of the enemy's plan to break up families. So I should have blessed my brothers and those moms that are watching too, that you would uh bless them and fill them and use them in the matchless name of Jesus. And all God's people said, Amen. Thanks for being with us. I'm so grateful for you. And remember, it is never too late for God to do a miracle in our lives and in our families. God bless you.

SPEAKER_00 38:12

Dear friends, imagine a world where every father feels equipped to lead with faith, love, and purpose. A world where families thrive and communities grow stronger because of devoted, Christ-centered fathers.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

You know, beloved, that is the vision that God's put in my heart for every single family. You know, he is on the move, I believe. He promises in Malachi that before the great and coming day of the Lord, he's gonna do something profound. He's gonna turn the hearts of fathers back towards their children. So the hearts of their children will turn back to their father. That's what God is doing. I meet dads daily who want to learn to be better fathers. Yet many have never been shown how. Too many families are being fractured to bitterness and with parents and grandparents even being canceled. That's why we're launching an online community to quit and to be the fathers that God is called to be. It's more than a program, it's a part of a a movement that God is already doing to reshape fatherhood. It's a sacred calling rooted in the teachings of Christ. And we're calling this the Fatherhood Academy, where men will embark on a journey of healing and spiritual restoration that helps them transform their family relationship. And to make this vision a reality, would you consider partnering with us financially as we continue to reach and disciple every man, dad, and grandpa that comes our way? Your donation will help create a ripple across the neighborhoods, communities, you know, an ultimately our nation, and create each topic of vision in the unwavering love and guidance of a devoted dad.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

Will you partner with us? Your gift, whether a one-time donation or ongoing monthly support, will help to transform lives. Together, we can equip fathers and grandfathers to lead with faith and create a brighter, hopefully future for generations to come. Click the link to donate today. Thank you for believing in this mission and joining us on this transformative journey.